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AIBU?

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Original poster

She said she would abandon her kids to punish her husband.

61 replies

Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:03

A family member has just been through a divorce resulting in the mother leaving her children to husband and saying she wants a new life.

We were talking about this with my auntie who said she did good. I would do the same to punish my husband as then he will have to take care of kids and work. This really really infuriated me! We ended up arguing as I called her out on choosing to actually punish her own kids just to teach her husband a lesson. Said much worse and then she accused me of mum shaming saying I cannot judge her parenting.

I'm so so annoyed that someone can think life that. For a small backstory she is always quite cold and sometimes rude to her children. Doesn't have a good relationship with her husband and seems to take out her anger on her kids.

Am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed with her statement?

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 19/06/2021 20:50

And aunt said she would do the same and leave her kids with her husband to teach him a lesson - the lesson being that should he want to divorce her then he will have a tough time with the kids and his work

Sounds like they would have a better time if she left. Probably be quite happy to see her go.
Of course she would still have to pay child maintenance in her new life.

Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:50

@Bibidy

Yes I think you're being unreasonable to be so infuriated, given that she hasn't actually done anything at all and was merely passing comment. Who's to say what she would actually do in that scenario?

I actually don't even think it's that uncommon for a mother to make a comment like that, basically just saying she'd like to see how he'd cope if she walked out and left him with the kids. She's not actually doing it.

Also if she was saying she'd do the same as the other person then she's not actually abandoned them anyway, they just live mainly with their dad?

Yes, I agree the comment is something women might say in between a joke. I think in this situation because I know my aunt and I know she is distant and is always putting her children down for me her saying it made it more believable that she could actually do that.
OP posts:
NameyNameyNameChangey · 19/06/2021 20:52

I know someone who divorced, and due to her work, the children were better off with the father. I don't know why women are judged so harshly for this!

Namechangedlady · 19/06/2021 20:53

My parents call this the push of love. It is a running joke in our family about who would be lumbered looking after me. They still say it now and I'm 32.

People used to have a sense of humour.

Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:57

@NameyNameyNameChangey

I know someone who divorced, and due to her work, the children were better off with the father. I don't know why women are judged so harshly for this!
Yes but I am assuming she saw her children on the weekends or once every two weeks.

The point of this post isn't about women or men. Its also not about divorcing and one side having full maintenance with other side occasionally seeing their children. The post is about someone who says that they will abandon their child (NEVER see the child again) to punish their other half.

Whether a man says this or a women I would be infuriated the same. I could never be able to not see my child again simply to punish an ex husband and make him struggle. The idea is bizarre to me - the poor child will be the one hurt most from this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:58

@Namechangedlady

My parents call this the push of love. It is a running joke in our family about who would be lumbered looking after me. They still say it now and I'm 32.

People used to have a sense of humour.

Yes, thats funny. My dad used to always joke about this too, he would always say to my mum you keep the kids and life will be a holiday to me - the same man who doted on us. I know a joke when I see one. Aunt in question wasn't joking.

I guess because I know her and also know the way she said it, I see the situation different.

OP posts:
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 19/06/2021 21:17

How is it a punishment?
My father ended up with with the kids, he never thought it was a punishment. I think the person that ends up with the kids is the lucky one, but maybe I feel differently about raising my children then others do.

Original poster
Lora918 · 19/06/2021 21:21

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

How is it a punishment? My father ended up with with the kids, he never thought it was a punishment. I think the person that ends up with the kids is the lucky one, but maybe I feel differently about raising my children then others do.
Yes, DS is a reward and has never been a 'burden'
OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 19/06/2021 21:29

So you arent bothered by the mother leaving the children and never seeing them again? A real situation that has happened

But you are upset by your aunt saying she would do the same thing to punish her husband? Even though she isn't leaving him? And it hasn't happened.

Cloverglens · 19/06/2021 21:31

I get what you are saying....... Doesn't sit right with me either.
How can any mum or dad completely walk out of their children's life. Sad circumstances for the children it did happen to 😞

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 19/06/2021 21:32

I don't know about "punishing", but I would be sorely tempted to leave my DC with my DH if we separated and he was an arse about maintenance and helping with childcare etc. I wouldn't, of course, because I would miss my DC too much and because they are used to me being the primary carer.

It sounds like the issue here is "weaponising" the kids (i.e. doing it just to punish your ex). But there is an argument that leaving the children with the higher earner could be better for them in the long-run, at least materially. Research has shown fathers are much more willing to spend money to secure their children's welfare when they are living with them. I guess "out of sight, out of mind" really is a thing. Also, the higher earner caring for the children would give the lower earner the freedom to build up their earning potential without having to deal with childcare.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 19/06/2021 21:39

So many dads do this why shouldn't she in a hypothetical world.

Kiki275 · 19/06/2021 21:47

@DeflatedGinDrinker

So many dads do this why shouldn't she in a hypothetical world.
Do many dads do it to "punish" the mother though, or do they do it because they're lazy & selfish arses? Neither is good but OP is specifically talking about punishment.
goose1964 · 19/06/2021 21:49

A late friend of mine was left with the kids when his wife left. They were a really close family afterwards because he was the better parent.

Tsubasa1 · 19/06/2021 21:53

Yabu

QueenBee52 · 19/06/2021 22:00

YABVU

Bythemillpond · 19/06/2021 22:34

From what you have said it sounds like she is punishing them all by staying,

Petitefiloute · 19/06/2021 22:43

Using children to score points against another adult is never ok.

Funnylittlefloozie · 19/06/2021 22:45

Of course its not bloody ok or 'acceptable ' for men to walk away from their children. Just because lots of shit men do it, doesn't make it ok, and its not ok for a woman to do it either. Any parent who voluntarily walks away from their children is a piece of ahit.

Zerrin13 · 19/06/2021 22:57

If more mothers were prepared to do this then maybe there wouldn't be such an abundance, the world over, of men having affairs and dumping wives and children without a thought, or thinking its ok to do the absolute minimum of parenting, leaving it all to the Mother. Men know that most women will never leave their children thats why they get to behave like assholes.

Looubylou · 20/06/2021 06:58

A different city, sounds lame, as a reason not to try to help those children in your family who have actually been abandoned. I would put my energies into seeing what I could do for them, rather than fuming about a hypothetical situation.

GarlicMonkey · 20/06/2021 08:36

I think you've got some astounding internalised misogyny there. Do you 'help out' & have kids over from the lone mothers in your family? Or is it just lone father's who you think need/deserve help?

40yearoldmerging · 20/06/2021 08:42

@upthekyber

Is it abandoning them if they are left with a parent? I have often noticed that men "don't see their children" but women "abandon" it's a interesting uses of language.
This Hmm
Dozer · 20/06/2021 08:43

Your aunt’s comment was odd: not a mainstream view! Sounds like before the conversation you already disliked aspects of your aunt’s parenting, from what you’ve observed and what she’s said, and some of her views/personality traits. Presume you have chosen whatever level/kind of contact you have with her, and can adjust this if you now like her even less!

Arguing with your aunt about her unpleasant views seems pointless.

The situation with your family member and his ex sounds really sad. Awful for any parent to abandon DC. Damaging for DC.

Dozer · 20/06/2021 08:45

OP has already stated that she holds the same views about fathers who abandon their DC.