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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She said she would abandon her kids to punish her husband.

61 replies

Lora918 · 19/06/2021 20:03

A family member has just been through a divorce resulting in the mother leaving her children to husband and saying she wants a new life.

We were talking about this with my auntie who said she did good. I would do the same to punish my husband as then he will have to take care of kids and work. This really really infuriated me! We ended up arguing as I called her out on choosing to actually punish her own kids just to teach her husband a lesson. Said much worse and then she accused me of mum shaming saying I cannot judge her parenting.

I'm so so annoyed that someone can think life that. For a small backstory she is always quite cold and sometimes rude to her children. Doesn't have a good relationship with her husband and seems to take out her anger on her kids.

Am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed with her statement?

OP posts:
Nononsense2 · 20/06/2021 09:01

I think it's terrible when people use their kids to inflict pain on someone else. The poor children caught up in the middle of all that Sad. If only they could realise that they've got a problem and seek help, it would prevent the extreme cases where they even take their children's lives.

whiteroseredrose · 20/06/2021 09:28

I've often thought this though, when I read MN threads about men who leave their wives for younger OW. The poor mums struggle and super Disney dads see their children for a day at the weekend.

How long would the OW last if the mum said OK I'm moving to a shiny new flat. You and OW move in here and I'll see the DC at weekends for treats.

3scape · 20/06/2021 09:34

A lot of people aren't good at the continuous effort that is parenting and find it hard. I guess they think everyone feels the same and that they want a life with no baggage. Some of them are women too.

Unfortunately not everyone goes into parenting knowing themselves well enough to realise they will suck at it.

CatsArePeople · 20/06/2021 09:51

maybe she didn't want family/children in the first place, but was pushed or misguided into having them against her will?

Original poster
Lora918 · 20/06/2021 10:01

@GarlicMonkey

I think you've got some astounding internalised misogyny there. Do you 'help out' & have kids over from the lone mothers in your family? Or is it just lone father's who you think need/deserve help?
You're assuming too much. We don't have any other single parents in our family.
OP posts:
joolzfromyork · 20/06/2021 10:02

Gosh, this is almost my life experience (and some of the comments are disappointing.)

1958 - I was less than a year old, brother was 5 going on 6, sister was 3 going on 4

(you are doing sums in your head now aren't you Grin)

Mother had a new boyfriend and left
Father felt earning a living was more important than day to day care

Kids end up in children's home and stay there for 5 years
(apart from when we were fostered out with a policeman and his wife ... placement ended when elder brother was assaulted by policeman (brother would have been 8) ).

Fucking disaster all round.

(Guess we could call it an 'Equal Opportunities Abandonment)

Original poster
Lora918 · 20/06/2021 10:03

@Looubylou

A different city, sounds lame, as a reason not to try to help those children in your family who have actually been abandoned. I would put my energies into seeing what I could do for them, rather than fuming about a hypothetical situation.
Yes but this post isn't about me mentioning all the amazing things I have planned on doing to help the family. I can outline a few if you're interested though.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lora918 · 20/06/2021 10:06

@joolzfromyork

Gosh, this is almost my life experience (and some of the comments are disappointing.)

1958 - I was less than a year old, brother was 5 going on 6, sister was 3 going on 4

(you are doing sums in your head now aren't you Grin)

Mother had a new boyfriend and left
Father felt earning a living was more important than day to day care

Kids end up in children's home and stay there for 5 years
(apart from when we were fostered out with a policeman and his wife ... placement ended when elder brother was assaulted by policeman (brother would have been 8) ).

Fucking disaster all round.

(Guess we could call it an 'Equal Opportunities Abandonment)

How terrible 😔 I hope you and your siblings managed to build a life for yourselves in-between the chaos.

I can never understand how a parent would choose to cut their child off - esp if the reason is to punish or make their ex struggle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lora918 · 20/06/2021 10:08

@CatsArePeople

maybe she didn't want family/children in the first place, but was pushed or misguided into having them against her will?
Actually she really wanted both children. But things got bad when her older DD hated the new baby. Now they are much older and are still constantly fighting. She always picks on them and belittles them Infront of others. I think if the two children had a better relationship aunt may have been happier and not so angry all the time
OP posts:
Original poster
Lora918 · 20/06/2021 10:08

@Dozer

OP has already stated that she holds the same views about fathers who abandon their DC.
Exactly. So many people trying to make out this is a sexist post when nothing in what I've written would suggest that 🙄
OP posts:
PhillipPhillop · 20/06/2021 10:10

But would you have felt it was worth starting a thread about it?

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