Was I really so completely out of order?

[lardylegs123]

I have 4 children, 3 teenage daughters and an older son.
I sometimes have slight issues with my 14 year old daughter, as she can be moody and incredibly sensitive. I'm generally very supportive toward her, and she knows I'm always there to chat to, etc.
Something happened today and I'd really appreciate some outside perspective.
I was out on a rare lunch with a good friend in the city centre today, and on the way home we passed the shops. We bumped into my 14 year old and her friend, and we had a quick chat asking them what they'd bought, etc. Daughter told me what she'd bought as a Father's Day gift.
She explained that she had bought her dad some mouthwash, deodorant and body wash. Friend and I had a little chuckle over this, and joked that she must be trying to tell him something!
We weren't being mean - just a bit giggly - and I thought nothing of it.
By the time I got home, daughter had told her siblings what had happened and they all had a go at me for being mean. I had apparently really embarrassed my daughter in front of her friend, and she had been tempted to return all the gifts to the shop
I grew up in a family where pisstaking was the norm, but I wouldn't say I'm like that. I'm a kind and nurturing mum. But I do think my daughter was being a bit precious.
I feel like I'm often on eggshells around her, yet still manage to put my big foot in it occasionally
I feel a bit rubbish about it, and a bit 'ganged up on', if I'm honest. I have apologised to my daughter for hurting her feelings.
But really, was I so very unreasonable?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

@FlyNow

I see it both ways as well. You sound like a great mum OP and it's obvious you didn't mean anything by it. But I can also imagine being the dd, being out having a nice day with a friend, when my mum (who I perceive as often making fun of me) comes along to laugh at me. I'd feel pretty deflated.

You say you walk on eggshells around her, but do you really, because this seems like an obvious one. The hard ones are when you really have to say something, eg, when issues arise around school, hygiene, chores or relationships. This one you could have just said "looks great girls" or "it's great you thought of him".

I agree with all of this. My parents used to “joke” with us too and they absolutely never meant to be unkind. But there was a little bit of not thinking our feelings were valid. I have a DD who is “sensitive” and yes it’s tiresome at times. But recently I watched an old video of when she was about 3. I’m videoing her playing and she asked me several times to stop. I ignore her and when she gets annoyed and stamps her foot we all laugh. Then she gets really angry and then do do I! I still can’t believe that was me in the video or that I had so little respect for her. Was a bit of an eye opener.

Knowing she was sensitive I would not have made silly comments like that but possibly a glass of wine at lunch had made it seen funny.
She bought what she thought was useful and I do feel her hurt.

But you know that your daughter isn't trying to tell her dad anything so you made deliberately fun of her, you & your friend chuckling together about what she had bought!

I think the present is fine- in Boots the standard gift set for a man is body wash & deodorant so that’s inoffensive, and the mouthwash was a thoughtful extra based on him being fanatical about oral health.
Without her friend there, or yours, she may not have been bothered by your comment or joked along but you and your friend taking the piss even in a gentle way made her feel embarrassed and small in front of her friend. There’s private pisstaking and public and I do think there’s a difference.
The fact that her siblings agree snd she wanted to return the gift does sound like it made her feel shitty.
Sounds like you’re a lovely mum, and she sounds like a lovely daughter buying thoughtful presents for her dad whilst out with a friend, but it is an age when we are so self conscious, and yes sensitive, because we are trying to navigate all this without any of the experience and wisdom of age, so we’re constantly terrified of doing things ‘wrong’ and our lack of awareness of the world being exposed. Which I suppose is what she felt happened in that encounter.
You’ve apologised, don’t worry any further now.

She bought practical gifts on a limited budget. You mocked her choices, in front of your friend and hers. I can see why she was upset

As an adult I wouldnt be bothered by that at all. But teenagers are a little more sensitive. I've been the 14 year old whose mum and friend were laughing at me and it was innocent but it does feel humiliating. There's a power imbalance, it changes things, even though sometimes it feels like they have the power advantage.

I think she may have felt that she had 'missed the mark' with the present, and that the adults were in the know and she had been silly. If she'd spent a while trying to get the present right, she probably feels a bit rubbish about it now. It's sometimes hard to buy a gift that looks like you've made an effort, especially if you're less well off than the recipient.

thank goodness the Day has now passed 🙄