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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I really so completely out of order?

83 replies

lardylegs123 · 19/06/2021 19:39

I have 4 children, 3 teenage daughters and an older son.
I sometimes have slight issues with my 14 year old daughter, as she can be moody and incredibly sensitive. I'm generally very supportive toward her, and she knows I'm always there to chat to, etc.
Something happened today and I'd really appreciate some outside perspective.
I was out on a rare lunch with a good friend in the city centre today, and on the way home we passed the shops. We bumped into my 14 year old and her friend, and we had a quick chat asking them what they'd bought, etc. Daughter told me what she'd bought as a Father's Day gift.
She explained that she had bought her dad some mouthwash, deodorant and body wash. Friend and I had a little chuckle over this, and joked that she must be trying to tell him something!
We weren't being mean - just a bit giggly - and I thought nothing of it.
By the time I got home, daughter had told her siblings what had happened and they all had a go at me for being mean. I had apparently really embarrassed my daughter in front of her friend, and she had been tempted to return all the gifts to the shop Confused
I grew up in a family where pisstaking was the norm, but I wouldn't say I'm like that. I'm a kind and nurturing mum. But I do think my daughter was being a bit precious.
I feel like I'm often on eggshells around her, yet still manage to put my big foot in it occasionally Sad
I feel a bit rubbish about it, and a bit 'ganged up on', if I'm honest. I have apologised to my daughter for hurting her feelings.
But really, was I so very unreasonable?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
lardylegs123 · 19/06/2021 20:28

To be fair to ex husband, he has a good sense of humour and will probably make a gentle joke about it himself Grin He certainly won't be offended! A bit bemused maybe.

OP posts:
Mummadeze · 19/06/2021 20:32

My partner would love those gifts. I know you didn’t mean any harm but I can also see why she was a bit embarrassed that you laughed at her gift choices. I would tell her you were trying to be funny but missed the mark and make sure she knows you are sorry just to smooth things over.

QueenBee52 · 19/06/2021 20:36

I wouldn't have tolerated being ganged up upon for an actual funny/bang on comment.

No WAY...

JackieQueen · 19/06/2021 20:40

I would have probably said the same opBlush. I don't think you were unreasonable, I sometimes put my foot in it too! Smile

SalmonEile · 19/06/2021 20:42

I would’ve felt bad as your daughter , my mother constantly “poked fun” especially when her friends were about, I remember one time she bought me this perfectly ordinary winter hat , put it on my head and then guffawed loudly about how “funny” it looked on me ,
I said I’m not wearing this , then she got angry .
It was bizarre.
I understand you didn’t mean anything by it but from her POV she’s chosen what she thinks is a thoughtful and useful gift for her dad , you and your friend made her feel bad about it
Another angle is her friends may have picked up on it and said “oh your dad must really stink then “ or maybe that’s what she thinks you and your friend think?
At that age I was very protective of my dad too.

As an adult of course , I’d look back at 14 year old me and go wow that was a whole over reaction
I mean , if you’d said this to your friend about a gift she’d chosen you would just have a laugh together about it but at 14 these things feel so much worse than they are - especially in public !
So I guess chalk it up to experience - she won’t be this age forever.

sadperson16 · 19/06/2021 20:47

We have to protect a grown man from some slightly dodgy gifts and pander to a 14 year old?
No,I dont think so

cheugy · 19/06/2021 20:58

I don't think you should have said this in front of her. She probably struggled to think of something to get that he will use and with limited teenage budget and resources. You basically just told her it wasn't a good gift, even though you know she didn't mean it that way, and in front of another adult. It's also pretty mean to say it if you know she is sensitive when you could have just as easily used the situation to praise her for buying him something useful.

Would you have said the same if your friend wasn't there? Or just kept quiet and knew she meant well? This difference in behaviour could have made you seem more mean.

Frauhubert · 19/06/2021 20:59

She needs to develop a sense of humour

PerciphonePuma · 19/06/2021 21:03

Unfortunately, a lot of teens have witnessed society becoming permanently offended by everything and have taken it to mean that's how they should behave. I've seen it so so many times these last couple of years. It's worrying if I'm being honest. I have a 6yr old who is becoming quite overly sensitive and I'm trying my hardest to 'encourage' her to have a thicker hide.
I was raised to respect other's opinions. That I didn't have to agree with them, but had to respect that others have a right to those opinions, as do I, and that I should respect theirs, as should they. This seems to be a vanishingly rare thing which is taught to children these days. I think it's quite important 🤷🏼‍♀️

Iwonder08 · 19/06/2021 21:21

If you know she is sensitive like most 14yo girls, why did you laugh with your friend in front of her friend? Yes, I think you are out of order. Completely insensitive

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 19/06/2021 21:23

The joke was normal.

Also, at 14 your daughter is old enough to learn that giving a gift like that sends a message that maybe wasn't what she intended. Better to learn it on a gift for her dad than on a gift for a sensitive friend.

Original poster
lardylegs123 · 19/06/2021 21:23

It was a completely spur of the moment reaction, and not at all what I expected her to say. No malice or belittlement intended.

OP posts:
Purpleweeks · 19/06/2021 21:31

Most teenage girls are sensitive when it comes to being teased in front of their friends. I think your children have a point.

QueenBee52 · 19/06/2021 23:07

Every Christmas Fathers Day Birthdays my Dad thought he smelled because all his gifts were Smellies 😂🤣

Its a Joke

Travis1 · 19/06/2021 23:27

Fucksake. Are we going to be allowed to joke about anything in the next few years?! The smellies joke must be one of the oldest in the book 🙄

lljkk · 19/06/2021 23:34

They are nice gifts -- the DD is overthinking it.

They get so much worse from peers at school but can over-react when adults have same sense of humour. Teens are weird.

billy1966 · 20/06/2021 00:00

OP teens can be sensitive for sure but it was a very instinctive reaction to a gift.

You have apologised for any offence which is great.

I think you need to reflect on the feeling of walking on eggshells....not good.

She needs to develop resilience and get a grip.

Life and relationship will be very very tricky if she doesn't.

You have owned your "bad"....🙄..now think about having a chat about her sensitivity.

You have a long way to go, she will need to get a grip and develop a sense of humour.

It IS worth a conversation.

Birminghambloke · 20/06/2021 00:09

14 is old enough to handle reactions. She shared it with you, so needs to accept the reaction you give. Regardless of intention, it is a gift that could seem offensive. She actually set you up to laugh about it. Likely laughed about it with friends before seeing you. DD needs to grow up. To then go home and bad mouth you is out of order.

EKGEMS · 20/06/2021 00:32

She should've spent the time wasted complaining to her siblings about grievances picking out a decent gift for her Dad instead

AndeanMountainCat · 20/06/2021 00:46

Ah bless her! I think it’s a thoughtful gift, just very practical. Nowt wrong with that.

When she showed the stuff to you she was probably expecting you to say “ooh he’ll like that” instead of (what she perceived to be) you laughing at her.

14 is a tender age. Her hormones will be all over the shop. Give the girl a hug and some cake.

As instructed by my mum, I used to get my dad a crap aftershave, such as old spice or DENIM. He loved it and used it every day.

StardewMelons · 20/06/2021 01:14

Your DD needs to get a grip, saying sorry for a very harmless joke and pandering to a 14 year old isn't really going to help her in the long run.... On a side note I would love my DD to buy her dad mouthwash (I don't like him very much Grin)

EmeraldShamrock · 20/06/2021 01:29

She is being overly sensitive and making a drama out of it.
I probably would have been the same, I was an over sensitive touchy moody teenager with DM too.
She'll laugh about it one day. in about 10 years Grin

Billandben444 · 20/06/2021 02:04

A moody hormonal 14-yr old girl is probably embarrassed sometimes just being seen in the company of her mother let alone thr same cracking a joke at her expense. She sounds as though she's uber sensitive at the moment but you've done the right thing and apologised so I'd forget about it. I still remember my father doing similar to me in front of his friends and I was mortified - he said it was to toughen me up as I was too sensitive but it had the opposite effect.

WhySoSensitive · 20/06/2021 02:49

It’s a classic joke! We did it all the time when you would get 4/5 smelliest gifts sets fit Christmas etc.

I’d be more worried about what she said/how she portrayed the situation to her siblings.
Speaking from experience of a family member, if she has this flare for the dramatic reaction already it will only get worse. (Said in the nicest possible way!)
We genuinely can’t cope with SILa behaviour these days, and that’s exactly the reaction she used to have years ago.

Hope your DD sees the funny side soon OP!

1forAll74 · 20/06/2021 02:58

They were all nice gifts for a Dad, from a teenager. I would have said that, better than a pair of socks. ! Teenagers can sometimes get huffy about what people say to them.

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