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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I really so completely out of order?

83 replies

lardylegs123 · 19/06/2021 19:39

I have 4 children, 3 teenage daughters and an older son.
I sometimes have slight issues with my 14 year old daughter, as she can be moody and incredibly sensitive. I'm generally very supportive toward her, and she knows I'm always there to chat to, etc.
Something happened today and I'd really appreciate some outside perspective.
I was out on a rare lunch with a good friend in the city centre today, and on the way home we passed the shops. We bumped into my 14 year old and her friend, and we had a quick chat asking them what they'd bought, etc. Daughter told me what she'd bought as a Father's Day gift.
She explained that she had bought her dad some mouthwash, deodorant and body wash. Friend and I had a little chuckle over this, and joked that she must be trying to tell him something!
We weren't being mean - just a bit giggly - and I thought nothing of it.
By the time I got home, daughter had told her siblings what had happened and they all had a go at me for being mean. I had apparently really embarrassed my daughter in front of her friend, and she had been tempted to return all the gifts to the shop Confused
I grew up in a family where pisstaking was the norm, but I wouldn't say I'm like that. I'm a kind and nurturing mum. But I do think my daughter was being a bit precious.
I feel like I'm often on eggshells around her, yet still manage to put my big foot in it occasionally Sad
I feel a bit rubbish about it, and a bit 'ganged up on', if I'm honest. I have apologised to my daughter for hurting her feelings.
But really, was I so very unreasonable?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 20/06/2021 03:32

I think it's the 'gang up on Mum' at home when she arrived home, which is the biggest concern here...

Who do they think they are doing this to you, on arrival home.

THIS is not acceptable EVER.

zoemum2006 · 20/06/2021 06:35

Oh bless her heart and yours!

You made a joke because it was the classic set-up but it's understandable your daughter would be upset if she felt you were laughing at her in front on her friend. (She might also be disappointed in herself if she felt she failed to buy the right gifts for her dad... my 14 year old DD is a bit of a perfectionist and would upset by this).

I'd say to her the gifts were brilliant and you weren't laughing at her but rather making the obvious joke (in a kind of "ba dum tis" kind of way).

She will grow up and learn to laugh at herself but 14 year olds aren't brilliant at it yet.

TheoMeo · 20/06/2021 07:08

It was possibly more about the relationship with her friend.
Maybe they'd both bought what they decided were great gifts but you laughed at hers........ in front of her friend!!

ShowGirlCoaching · 20/06/2021 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gremlinsateit · 20/06/2021 07:16

Oh no OP, you spoke to your teenager in public! In front of her friends no less! The mortification! It wouldn’t have mattered what you said.

Bluntness100 · 20/06/2021 07:21

Oh cmon op. You know what this is, you embarassed her and she now thinks her gift isn’t good enough hence why she wants to return them. That’s all. She’s just being sensitive.

Aprilx · 20/06/2021 07:28

I don’t know where to start with that. I don’t get why your daughter can buy such an insulting present and then get upset when somebody makes a joke about it.

Did you not think to tell her that this is not an appropriate gift? I don’t mean right then in front of her friends, but how come she doesn’t know how awful this is.

Grimacingfrog · 20/06/2021 07:28

Maybe you tease a bit more than you realise OP. If all your children thought you were being mean, there might be something in it. I remember the family ribbing when I was a teen, and it didn't build up resilience, in fact the opposite.

If the 'joke' is always one way, it's really not so funny. Also, she was trying to do a nice thing for her dad, who's really difficult to buy for and you ridiculed that in front of both your friend and hers. That's not funny, it's unkind. And as for posters expecting her to grow up at 14, that's just laughable. It's trying to teach her to ignore it when someone hurts her feelings. It's a terrible lesson.

OP I'd apologise to her for embarrassing her and hurting her feelings. Acknowledge that your ex is hard to buy for and she'd done a nice thing. There's plenty of time for her to learn to deal with ill thought out 'humour'.

You're the adult, and you're the one who should be able to deal with your feelings, not expect her to prioritise yours all the time.

Ozanj · 20/06/2021 07:56

Your daughter bought a really thoughtless gift and then got pissed off when you called her out on it. In your position after getting ‘ganged up’ on at home I would have ripped it to shreds. A 14 yo should be more socially aware than to give shit like this.

TheoMeo · 20/06/2021 08:59

Your daughter bought a really thoughtless gift

Really ? buying presents for men is impossible ime - they've already got what they want unless you can afford cashmere hoodies or something.

Blueskytoday06 · 20/06/2021 09:12

If I'd said that to my dad who is 14 she'd have laughed and not thought anything else

FlyNow · 21/06/2021 03:53

I see it both ways as well. You sound like a great mum OP and it's obvious you didn't mean anything by it. But I can also imagine being the dd, being out having a nice day with a friend, when my mum (who I perceive as often making fun of me) comes along to laugh at me. I'd feel pretty deflated.

You say you walk on eggshells around her, but do you really, because this seems like an obvious one. The hard ones are when you really have to say something, eg, when issues arise around school, hygiene, chores or relationships. This one you could have just said "looks great girls" or "it's great you thought of him".

StardewMelons · 21/06/2021 04:04

@FlyNow Come on though.. Mouthwash is probably one of the most insulting gifts to give someone..Now I know OPs dd is 14, but Id rather learn then, than later! OP might have embarrassed her by laughing, but it was probably an on the spot harmless joke, another thing the DD at 14 needs to learn to deal with.

Hydrate · 21/06/2021 04:30

Anybody would think the items were a joke gift.

Mothership4two · 21/06/2021 04:46

@StoneofDestiny

Sounds like a normal joke to me.

^^ this

Like when someone gives you soap for Christmas.

You got a total overreaction (teenage hormones or not)

FlyNow · 21/06/2021 05:34

[quote StardewMelons]@FlyNow Come on though.. Mouthwash is probably one of the most insulting gifts to give someone..Now I know OPs dd is 14, but Id rather learn then, than later! OP might have embarrassed her by laughing, but it was probably an on the spot harmless joke, another thing the DD at 14 needs to learn to deal with.[/quote]
Well hang on, are we saying the joke was intended to tell the dd that the gift was shit, or that it was just a harmless joke. If you need to convey a serious message, I don't think a joke/laughing at them is the right format. However OP herself has said it was the latter, and that the dad wouldn't mind the gift.

Skengman · 21/06/2021 06:20

So dd learnt a life lesson. Siblings got to be the hero and OP got to play the villain.

Just take it on the chin OP, you sound like you've got a really great family and that's down to you in a big way. There's nothing wrong with being the bad guy once in a while.

Youarestillintherunning · 21/06/2021 06:30

I am in the minority, but I do actually think you are being unreasonable. She's so young, and at that age going out and selecting gifts can be really hard. She might have already felt conscious that maybe he wouldn't like the gift. Then you took the piss out of her in front of her in front of her friend, which to teenagers is a big thing. Even if you think she is being precious, she's told you that it upset her and it feels like you aren't validating her feelings. She can feel upset, and it's great that she was able to express this rather than just sulking/being moody. In your position, I would explain that I was joking but apologise as your intention wasn't to upset her.

Brooklyn999999 · 21/06/2021 06:44

If you think it's a bad choice of gift and you wanted her to know that, what you did was OK.

If you think it's a reasonable choice of gift in the circumstances, why did you have a go and make fun of her gift? Did you follow up (in front of the friend) and say actually, its a good gift for her dad as he has everything he wants already?

If you know your daughter is sensitive, why make jokes you know will hurt her?

Quirrelsotherface · 21/06/2021 06:47

Nothing wrong with what you said but 14 year old girls are not reasonable people!

Roselilly36 · 21/06/2021 07:18

Aww your poor DD, she is doing her best, and brought a useful gift that she hopes her dad, would like. I am sure he won’t take any offence, and accept it with good grace. Perhaps next Fathers Day, you could give her some ideas, rather than critique on her choices. If you know your DD is sensitive as her mum, should have known it would upset her talking about her choices of gifts in front of her friend. If I had hurt my child’s feelings I would have apologised.

vivainsomnia · 21/06/2021 08:23

As a child of divorced parents, these kind of comments about the other parent is very upsetting. Would you have made that sane comment if it was your partner?

There was no need for it. She did something nice for her dad and you had to belittle it. I'm with your kids on this one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2021 08:53

It sounds as if your dcs are trying to tell you that you can be inappropriate at times with the piss taking. There is a time and a place.

And remember a joke is only funny if the person is laughing. Your dd wasn’t. I’m surprised at some of the answers from some posters tbh. This is something often said on this site.

Minezatea · 21/06/2021 08:53

I agree with @Youarestillintherunning I think you were insensitive to her. Not the end of the world but she does have the right to feel things which are different to what you feel. If I were her I'd not want to tell you about things she buys in the future and I don't think you'd want that. You need to focus on the fact you've hurt her feelings more than whether a bunch of people on an internet forum think the 'joke' was reasonable. I don't think your children 'ganged up on you' by the way. I think they just saw things the same way as your DD and were feeling sorry for her as she obviously was upset.

Peachee · 21/06/2021 09:33

I think I would maybe acknowledge she felt embarrassed in front of her friend and reacted and be a bit more diplomatic next time. Hormones are raging at this age but you definitely need to move on from it all now and not make it into more of a big deal than it already seems to be. Maybe apologise casually in passing.

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