AIBU To feel this scarred me - *Content warning: concerns child abuse*

[baroqueandblue]

A thread about tapping a child because the child hit another child has brought something up for me which I’ve always wondered about. I’m male, early 50s, so this was in the early/mid 70s.

Friends of my parents came to visit with their children one weekend. I was 5, my brother was 4, and we didn’t get on. When he was born I was neglected (from what I’ve been told) and my father (an addict) was violent towards me but not my brother, which further destabilised me. This day we were playing with the visiting couple’s children, all primary age but older than us. I threw a book across the bedroom and it hit my brother on the nose, causing a bleed. I don’t remember if I meant to hit him with it, but it’s possible. What I remember next is a discussion between my parents and their friends about who should beat me as a punishment. I sat on the sofa waiting for the verdict, and it was decided that the visiting father should have the honour. He took me into the bedroom and thrashed me. I have an image of him removing his belt but that could be a false memory. What I do recall is feeling fear, shame and humiliation.

This episode is the tip of the iceberg in terms of abuse and bullying I suffered growing up, but it gives a flavour of what I went through. I’ve had significant problems as an adult making relationships and holding down jobs, although I’m fairly bright academically and have some long-standing close friends. But whereas both my siblings have successful marriages and steady jobs and their own homes, I’ve struggled to survive in the world of work, always rented and had short-lived relationships that ended unhappily in one way or another. I’m gay and, growing up when I did, suffered from ignorance and rejection within my family and among school friends which I think went quite deep.

But I suppose what I’m interested to discover is if the example of the beating I was given surprises many people, or if it was fairly common back then.

YABU – this was acceptable then and fairly common, get over it

YANBU – this wasn’t widespread and was abusive, no wonder you’ve struggled

I have been very moved by your narrative, and by the accounts of others too.

I am pleased that you have taken to heart the assurances that what you experienced was in no way “normal”.

I am a woman. Similar age to you. It may be that beating one’s children was more common when we were young. But I was never beaten, or even slapped. And for added background, my parents, who were born on the 1940s, were never beaten or hit either.

Smacking is, in my view, wrong. But I acknowledge was once commonplace. What you describe is a world away even from that. You were abused and it’s no wonder such treatment has affected you. The discussion of who should beat you was particularly abusive emotionally, and would have been so even had a beating not then ensued.

Human beings have great capacity to react and adjust emotionally and psychologically. Whilst this has huge advantage for our development individually and as a species, it also carries the attendant risk that we will adjust psychologically to stress and abuse and, as already mentioned, the consequences can be far reaching; attachment disorder, depression, chronic illness.

I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that, despite all you have endured, you present as emotionally attuned, sensitive, empathetic and that despite your struggles in life, you have displayed resilience. That is something of which you should be proud. Whilst you have been severely impacted by your lived experience, you have not been diminished by it.

That sounds a particularly abusive thing to do in your case, how dreadful. I can never forgive my parents for the hitting and beating they doled out. It was so unnecessary. But yes, all the neighbours also beat their DC at the time. Some would make a show of it in front of others. This would be early seventies. When I started primary school they had just about stopped caning people. I do think it's part of the reason many people my age have stress related health conditions. I remember one particular boy when I was at primary who had dreadful parents. I think back and there was nobody to help in those times. Nobody would have intervened. I don't have a good relationship with my parents as a result. I couldn't touch them. It repulses me. All the good things they did are overshadowed by it. My own DC are affectionate towards us as teens. I've never hit or "tapped" them and never would. You have done so well to cope with what sounds like an extremely difficult childhood.

Smacking was common in the 80's, beating with a belt was in the 70's apparently (that was abuse), but what you went through wasn't common, that was serious abuse, physical and mental.

I think a smack on the hand or back of the leg was normal back then, and I wouldn't consider that abuse, although people do now. For me, there's a difference between a smack and beating. Anything else, like a slap round the head or a punch/kick/shove etc is abuse. I wouldn't smack my kids though, if I have them because it doesn't achieve anything, not because of the perceived years of therapy needed because of a smack 🙄 some kids could do with a few good smacks. Just look at the decline of smacking and discipline vs the state of kids behaviour today.

Anyway, I'm sorry your parents were abusive op 💐

I think much more common than it should ever have been, but none the less despicable for it.

My step father used to make a massive deal about explaining exactly how and why he was going to dole out a punishment,so that description of sitting on the sofa waiting to hear your fate has really hit me hard.

You never deserved any of that treatment, and the fact that it's clearly caused you significant trauma is your parents' fault, not yours.

some kids could do with a few good smacks.

No child deserves a smack. Ever!

I really don’t understand smacking children. If you did it to an adult, it would be assault, yet the very people who are supposed to protect and teach children are the ones who often smack them.

In my experience, working in schools, and latterly a PRU, the children with the worst behaviour are the ones whose parents are more likely to lash out, or ignore their kids. Children who feel secure and loved, and who are treated with kindness, tend to mirror that treatment.