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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He basically called me fat and ugly

87 replies

Fiftypounds · 17/06/2021 15:22

Partner and I have both gained a little bit of weight during lock down ive gone from a size 10 to a 10-12 so I’m not huge or anything but a few of my dresses now don’t fit. I mentioned this to my partner saying I was annoyed I couldn’t wear this dress I have and love. He said don’t worry we have both got fatter and uglier over lockdown. I said did you just call me fat and ugly he backtracked tried to dig his way out and apologised. I have a bit of anxiety and worry a lot and now I’m worried he actually thinks that of me. Since then I’ve mentioned it but I think he thinks I’m joking and not upset by it aibu to be upset still and have a word with him or has the boat sailed for that

OP posts:
seashells11 · 17/06/2021 16:39

I'd let it go. Stupid careless remark, he won't mean it I'm sure.

MegaClutterSlut · 17/06/2021 16:40

I think you massively over reacted tbh. It was clearly a joke. It may just be where you're having a crappy time atm so you took it personally when maybe before you would've laughed it off?

DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping · 17/06/2021 16:45

Good grief. This is why any sensible bloke will never, ever respond to any of these fishing type questions, or indeed any comment at all about appearance. They really can’t win!

YellowFish12 · 17/06/2021 16:47

Sounds like he was trying to be nice with the "we've both" comment.

You sound hard work fishing for compliment's like that anyway.

usernamealreadytaken · 17/06/2021 16:47

It sounds like he just made a clumsy joke, rather than a nasty comment. I always tell my husband he's old enough and ugly enough to... I don't in any way thing he's ugly (we're both old though!) and it's just a joke between us x

vegas888 · 17/06/2021 16:48

We are going to end up in a society where literally everyone is going to be offended by something. Seems nothing can be said in jest anymore.

ddl1 · 17/06/2021 16:51

Well, he called himself fat and ugly by the same token! It wasn't a personal insult to you; just a jokey comment about lockdown.

MarmaladeToastAndAMarmaladeCat · 17/06/2021 16:52

It sounds a bit thoughtless but he was trying to make you feel better albeit in quite a clumsy way. It doesnt sound like there was any malice behind it.

LittleTiger007 · 17/06/2021 16:52

@KrisAkabusi

He was making a joke. A clumsy one, but as it was also at his own expense, I doubt there was any malice in it. Let it go.
Exactly this. Grow up .
bringincrazyback · 17/06/2021 16:52

It was tactless and I'd have been annoyed too, but he was probably just joking about. It sounds like some of the tactless things my DH has said that I know have just been in jest. And no way is 10-12 fat anyway.

gurglebelly · 17/06/2021 16:53

Weight gain, inability to get hair/beauty treatments done, nowhere to go so no need to get dressed up/put make up on so living in loungewear and hair up - I'd say that most people I know have got a little 'uglier' during lockdown for the reasons above, not because they are in any way ugly.

I think you are possibly being a bit over sensitive

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 17/06/2021 16:54

It was a joke. Please don’t hold this against him for the next 40+ years everytime and bring it up you fall out

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 17/06/2021 16:55

Don’t know where the “everytime” came from!

Ellie56 · 17/06/2021 16:57

He did not call you fat and ugly. He said you'd both got fatter and uglier during lockdown.

It was a joke. Hmm

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 17/06/2021 16:59

Not one I’d worry about.

And I really am fat and ugly…

bringincrazyback · 17/06/2021 16:59

Hmm, although the OP's DH probably didn't mean it in a nasty way, the same definitely can't be said for some of the posters on this thread. Hope you're proud of yourselves now the OP has said how bad she was feeling already. Sheesh, this place sometimes.

SamMil · 17/06/2021 17:00

It sounds like he was trying to reassure you by making a joke, but he just didn't think before speaking.

This is exactly the type of thing that I can imagine my husband saying without thinking. It would upset me too so I can relate, but actually wasn't meant to be hurtful or actually mean that you're fat or ugly.

Melitza · 17/06/2021 17:04

You’ll wreck your teeth with Diet Coke.

FuckyouCovid21 · 17/06/2021 17:06

@Ohpulltheotherone

He was joking.

You’re overreacting.

Putting your insecurities onto other people is not acceptable. So whilst it’s reasonable to say “hey I’m a bit insecure about my looks and I don’t always take jokes as well as I should so can we be mindful about those types of jokes whilst I work on my confidence” it’s not ok to issue blanket orders that no reference to appearance or looks or jokes can ever be made and if he does slip up he will be punished via an argument.

Honestly it’s totally normal to say things like “oh god we’ve been right pigs” when you’ve both scoffed a takeaway or “look at the state of us” when you’ve had a slobby weekend and not bothered to wash your hair or get dressed etc. It’s totally normal and you can’t project your insecurities onto others and create an environment where the other person has to tiptoe around your insecurities.

It’s hard but you should try to work on them.

All this said - if there’s ever any concern that your partner is praying on your insecurities or is looking to make them worse or actually criticise your appearance then of course that’s not normal and you should drop people like that out of your life without a thought

OK, no need to lay it on so thick, OP has explained she's had a rough time lately and posts like this aren't going to help
velvethaze · 17/06/2021 17:06

Oh lighten up!

LittleTiger007 · 17/06/2021 17:07

I feel rather sad for your man to be honest. He can’t win.

And seriously look at the ingredients of Diet Coke if you have health issues. It contains rat poison. I used to drink 2 litres a day. I am so much healthier now I don’t touch the stuff.

Ookkaayy · 17/06/2021 17:11

As most people have said I think he's obviously joking. Me and my DH always joke around about our weight and even comment on old pictures of each other (where we looked a lot better and blatantly thinner. Lol)
I'm sure if you explained how you're feeling he would put your mind at ease.

Somuddled · 17/06/2021 17:13

Your very first sentence states that you have both gained weight. Why is it ok for you to say but not him?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 17/06/2021 17:17

No one on here is being terribly nasty or laying it on thick.

The OP herself said that she has had a bit of a week and has been tipped over the edge a bit.

The posts saying ‘there was nothing in it’ are right. A wee nudge in the right direction is helpful to see perspective.

Does it sound a wee bit like hard work? To me it does. It clearly has to others.

Life is going to be very hard of you read offence in everything. That isn’t a way to be and better to be nudged out of that I feel.

ThursdayWeld · 17/06/2021 17:20

@Fiftypounds

Thanks everyone I won’t take it further I’ve just had one of those weeks my illness has been so bad I’ve cried every night in pain barely made it through work felt rubbish in myself had a few friends bail on me so this comment just tipped me over the edge
Sorry you're feeling down, OP. Take comfort that your DP was trying to be nice to you!