He basically called me fat and ugly

[Fiftypounds]

Partner and I have both gained a little bit of weight during lock down ive gone from a size 10 to a 10-12 so I’m not huge or anything but a few of my dresses now don’t fit. I mentioned this to my partner saying I was annoyed I couldn’t wear this dress I have and love. He said don’t worry we have both got fatter and uglier over lockdown. I said did you just call me fat and ugly he backtracked tried to dig his way out and apologised. I have a bit of anxiety and worry a lot and now I’m worried he actually thinks that of me. Since then I’ve mentioned it but I think he thinks I’m joking and not upset by it aibu to be upset still and have a word with him or has the boat sailed for that

Thanks everyone I won’t take it further I’ve just had one of those weeks my illness has been so bad I’ve cried every night in pain barely made it through work felt rubbish in myself had a few friends bail on me so this comment just tipped me over the edge

Sounds to me like he is a bit insecure about the changes in his own body and tried to cover it with a joke which unfortunately backfired.

Maybe use it as an opportunity to discuss how you can both get back onto a healthier track?

@notacooldad

Actually to add to my earlier comment it was a common saying about someone in a lighthearted way even if they were t fat or ugly. ' say if someone wanted something found a common retort is ' your fat and ugly enough to do it yer self!!' Its a pretty common saying where I live. It was something that was said to me, my siblings, my friends. We all say it to our kids. Thankfully everyone knows its a daft joke.

DM used to say ‘you are old enough and ugly enough to do it yourself’

Op it was just lighthearted and he said “we” so included himself in that. He did not call you fat and ugly.

It was a joke also aimed at himself too, you took it too personally

@Fiftypounds, sorry you've had a dreadful week. I hope you're feeling better soon. Take care.

@Backtoreality1 I’ve only gained a stone due to being ill I’ve always been this size but last year lost a stone due to stress I eat a pretty healthy diet except my Diet Coke addiction

I really wouldn't take it personally, 'fat and ugly' is a normal phrase for lots of people so I doubt he thought much of it himself especially if he said it was both of you

He was joking.

You’re overreacting.

Putting your insecurities onto other people is not acceptable. So whilst it’s reasonable to say “hey I’m a bit insecure about my looks and I don’t always take jokes as well as I should so can we be mindful about those types of jokes whilst I work on my confidence” it’s not ok to issue blanket orders that no reference to appearance or looks or jokes can ever be made and if he does slip up he will be punished via an argument.

Honestly it’s totally normal to say things like “oh god we’ve been right pigs” when you’ve both scoffed a takeaway or “look at the state of us” when you’ve had a slobby weekend and not bothered to wash your hair or get dressed etc. It’s totally normal and you can’t project your insecurities onto others and create an environment where the other person has to tiptoe around your insecurities.

It’s hard but you should try to work on them.

All this said - if there’s ever any concern that your partner is praying on your insecurities or is looking to make them worse or actually criticise your appearance then of course that’s not normal and you should drop people like that out of your life without a thought

Have you seen what Diet coke does to paint?

DM used to say ‘you are old enough and ugly enough to do it yourself’
grin
Yeah , that was another variation we got called!! Its a wonder I don't have a complex!!
I've said it to my lads as well and they seem perfectly ok!!
Op! Your retort clearly should have been " speak for yourself!!! I am clearly beautiful, a bit wobbly maybe but beautiful!!" That's the kind of thing that normally gets thrown back in these conversations ( or dare I use the hated mn word, banter!)
Does no one ever communicate or just spend their lives being hurt?
🤷‍♀️

Ah OP sounds like you’ve had a hard week. Don’t beat yourself up about feeling over emotional or sensitive to his comments.

Hope you feel better soon

I too think you’re over reacting

I say this kind of thing to DH all the time, and he says it back! I guess it's all about tone but this sounds more pal-ly than anything. I wouldn't worry about it (and I wouldn't worry about your weight either!)

Of course it was a joke, he called himself fat and ugly too. Grow up.

Sounds like exactly the kind of thing me and DH would say, only it would be "older and greyer". And it would be true, even if a joke, and it might be me saying it or him. YABU.

I’m size 22 could be a 20 but my hips are big I’m happier today but even I can see he meant both of you.

My dad asked my mom if she wanted to go on a diet once she said I could lose 10 stone of ugly fat by getting a divorce....he never suggested a diet again

I would have laughed.

Joke op, don't worry about it.

He didn't call you fat or ugly. He made a joke, and it was a very poorly received, clumsy joke, but it was definitely not serious.

From your title I was prepared to say he was being an arsehole but having read the context I’d say it wasn’t meant that way. It’s understandable that you’re upset by it, but he was clearly just joking and didn’t actually think you’re either of those things. His “don’t worry” comment shows that even if you have put on some weight he doesn’t think negatively about it.

It was a clumsy joke. Don’t turn it into an issue.

There's a lot of this, "Look what the pandemic did to us" talk in the office - fatter, grayer, unkept, snappier.

It was a figure of speech. Don't be so sensitive.

I wouldn't care about the fatter remark because that was obviously just the truth but the ugly remark was unnecessary.