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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU

53 replies

Bobby51 · 16/06/2021 21:07

My brother has recently got married. My SIL is a lovely person and gets on with everyone great. My 16 year old DD has got on with her new Aunty well too. So what is the issue? I hear you ask!

I have noticed every time my brother & his wife visit us, my SIL goes to DD room and they stay there for a very long time. They say they play games and talk while rest of the family is downstairs. DD is very shy person and hardly talks to people so it was very good to see her bonding. But they hold hands all the time, whisper into each other ears, give each other lots of kisses on cheeks, speak to each other in some secret language only they are to know and I cant ask. DD body language changes from being comfortable to submissive.

Please dont think I am being jealous because I am not. Something does not feel right to me! My mum instincts are going crazy. I have tried to ask DD what do they talk about and she went quite.
They went to town the other day and I was driving them, they were holding hands like interlocking into each other's. Does anybody else find this bizarre? My SIL is in her late 20s so more than 11 years between her & DD.
My brother in law and his wife are very happy together so no issues there.

What do I do?

OP posts:
HPmagic · 16/06/2021 21:12

I would out my phone sneakily in the room next time on record to hear what is going on. Sorry nothing more to contribute but hopefully others will be along

Original poster
Bobby51 · 16/06/2021 21:24

Good idea, thank you for your reply thats a great help in its own way.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 16/06/2021 21:26

That is really weird.

Haven’t other people in the family noticed and found it odd?

NerrSnerr · 16/06/2021 21:29

Have you spoken to your SIL? Asked her what she's doing?

Original poster
Bobby51 · 16/06/2021 21:30

DH has no idea and when I pointed out, he joked about me being a typical SIL! Other kids are too young to notice anything and as they dont do it so much around my brother, he is probably oblivious too.

OP posts:
ScottishNewbie · 16/06/2021 21:30

I think most younger girls go a bit submissive with older friends. I did, and the age gap was only 3 years between me and my best friend growing up.

She probably went quiet when you asked her because she didn't want to tell you and didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so.

If SIL is otherwise a lovely person with no red flags and your DD isn't acting out or having behavioural changes then I would probably take it at face value of her seeing your DD as shy and them genuinely getting on and bonding.
Holding hands is so common amongst friends. My mum and sister hold hands all the time. Other cultures are much more affectionate than here in the UK also.

But, in saying all that, a mother's instinct shouldn't be ignored

Wolfiefan · 16/06/2021 21:30

Don’t have them to the house? Meet as a group elsewhere?

nimbuscloud · 16/06/2021 21:30

Are they having sex?

ScottishNewbie · 16/06/2021 21:31

*tell you what they talk about.

Bluntness100 · 16/06/2021 21:32

Is your daughter confiding in her?

sadmummy12345 · 16/06/2021 21:33

F

Bluntness100 · 16/06/2021 21:35

Does your daughter have friends and a social,life op?

I wonder if your sil is trying to support her, taking her out, that’s rhe hand holding , giving her comfort, and your daughter is confiding in her and she’s supporting your daughter.

Billybagpuss · 16/06/2021 21:37

@HPmagic

I would out my phone sneakily in the room next time on record to hear what is going on. Sorry nothing more to contribute but hopefully others will be along
I can understand the appeal of this, but if dd finds it your trust is blown and you’re in for a very challenging time.
CoRhona · 16/06/2021 21:41

@HPmagic

I would out my phone sneakily in the room next time on record to hear what is going on. Sorry nothing more to contribute but hopefully others will be along
Not much point if they're talking in a language you don't understand...
topwings · 16/06/2021 21:42

I would find that behaviour really strange.

I honestly don't know what I would do though. I probably would try to record them alone but also be terrified of repercussions for relationship with DD if she found out.

Good luck OP.

copperpotsalot · 16/06/2021 21:45

This is really really weird. How well do you know SIL? Her background etc.?

Original poster
Bobby51 · 16/06/2021 21:48

Thank you ladies,
I agree it could be just a friendship and an age thing but something inside me is saying against it. No I will not put any camera in the room as much tempted as I am!
Yes other cultures show more effection and I belong to one of them but even its bit too much for my culture.
I do not think they are involved in any sexual activities but this touchy feely love is enough to creep me out!
I do like the idea of meeting more in public. I am more worried for DD as this covid and lockdowns have effected her social life a lot. She has friends and sees them regularly as she is off school now. But the this age gap and only knowing her for few months, do not sit well with me.

OP posts:
AngelDelightUk · 16/06/2021 21:53

That’s really weird, I’m not sure I’d let her go up to DD bedroom in future

Gymhairdontcare · 16/06/2021 21:58

I had to re read that as I thought your daughter was toddler age, at 16 I find that extremely weird.

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 16/06/2021 22:08

Don't ignore your gut feeling... if you had a sister nor a brother and this was her husband, would it be inappropriate? If so, that's a real red flag.

Bumzoo · 16/06/2021 22:08

Sounds weird. When did they make up a secret language? Who has the time for that? I'd speak to your DD and ask what's occurring.

Still1nLove · 16/06/2021 22:57

If this was your bil everyone would be up in arms, why not because it’s your sil?
I would be worried too

romdowa · 16/06/2021 23:15

This gave me the serious ick🤢🤢 first I would stop the bedroom visits and stop any alone time between them. Next would be a quite word with your sil about what exactly is going on. If my uncles wife was kissing me on the cheek and interlocking fingers with me at 16 or any age I would be seriously uncomfortable. Do they communicate on social media or anything like that?

PinkCast · 16/06/2021 23:21

Your daughter won't tell you, so ask your SIL.
She's an adult & should not have any problems with telling you what they talk about. All sounds very strange to me, to be honest.

NcagainNC · 16/06/2021 23:28

This made for uncomfortable reading

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