To want to cry every night about my kids bedtimes?

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

I'm about to lose it. Single mum, DC with me 5 to 6 nights a week. DD is 11, DS is 6...both suspected ADHD/ADD. They NEVER STOP. Unless it's screens, then they don't listen to anything or anyone.

DD is up and down stairs all fucking evening, getting snacks, doing this, doing that... finally sleeps around 11pm. She's wonderful and so clever and can be do thoughtful and kind, but fuck me she just doesn't switch off. I get constant lip from her because she's tired, I can't give her any attention because of her brother..I've tried to get her to sort her pets out tonight and tidy her room, but kept having to ask and chivvy and remind and her brother just wanted constant attention so it didn't get done.

DS demands I stay with him, in his bed, until he falls asleep. Every night. It's nearly 10 and he's wailing now because I won't let him basically lie on top of me. He has to be in physical contact. I'm so hot, I'm so fed up...if I leave him he screams, wails, shouts mummmymummymummy at the top of his voice. Been doing bath and bed since 7.30pm.

I'm a teacher, I've not had the energy to work in the evening for months, I need to, to keep on top of work. I sit here doing emails on my phone waiting for him to sleep.

I'm at the end of my tether, I've got piles of washing everywhere, clean but not put away because I never get a bloody minute in the evenings. House is a tip, cat needs feeding and as a result is also now in here wailing at me, other pets to sort, lunches to make.. I've got easily an hour, maybe two of stuff to do for the morning and despite doing loads since I've been home I know I won't get to even switch my laptop on untill 11 at least and then might not sleep until 1am..I do get a day off a week but it's spent just running around playing catch-up. 4 days a week I'm up at 6 and weekends DS is up at 7 or earlier, plus during the night, last night he was calling out several times in the night, waking me. DD at least now sleeps through, neither of them did until about age 4, not one night. Neither ever slept during the day, not longer than 20 mins.

They've always been this way, nothing works. I think I've tried everything. I'm speaking to the child health service once a week to get advice from a counsellor as his behaviour is terrible too, tantrums, screaming, ignoring... but they suggested a timer when he knew I'd go after 15 mins of staying with him and he just screams.

When he's with his dad he does this, he has to call me or play a recorded story by me to help him sleep, or he sits with him too. He didn't bother keeping up the timer thing either so it's pointless as there's no consistent approach.

The heat isn't helping either.

I'm just at the end of my tether. If I'm honest the issues with both kids split up my relationship as ex didnt help at all and I had to beg him to take over most nights so I could work. I took a cut in hours as I was so exhausted, now I'm on my own I'm still exhausted but skint too.

I'm just on the edge of tears every night with this. I've got a wonderful boyfriend who is sympathetic but doesn't have his own kids, we see each other once a week and I prioritise sleep then and get a break from the relentless bedtimes, but he really wanted to chat tonight about something that happened today and I still haven't been able to call him. He's really patient but he's no idea really what it can be like.

I just feel so overwhelmed by it all. Sorry for the sweary rant. I just don't know what to do. I really like living on my own, I'm much happier without my ex and he wasn't much help either, on the spectrum too so used to just need telling directly constantly what I needed him to do and it was exhausting...then used to just create more mess and get sulky with me when I'd spend all evening cleaning or working or doing everything for the next day. Used to get himself up in the morning without helping and just sort himself out, trot off to work and leave me to sort the kids.. Most days are easily better without that but it's so lonely lying here night after night.

I know it'll get better, probably in 5 or 6 years time if DD is anything to go by, but I'll just have an 11 year old that can sort of put himself to bed but is still bloody awake and an 17 year old who will most likely be out causing me other worries 😂 oh and I'll be nearly 50 so menopausal too, happy days 😭

Thank you all for the advice, I've woken up this morning after about 5 hrs broken sleep as I had my vaccine yesterday, feel like I've been run over by a bus 😭 not sure I can reply to everyone directly but I'm taking it all in.

Private referral...I don't even have £100 left with 10 days to go till payday so I can't see me getting that amount to do it, but I'll look into it at least. I've got CC bills and I make it through the month, just about, but just don't have it spare.

As regards secondary school, I have spoken to the senco who was lovely, she said she didn't mind if there wasn't a diagnosis, just to let her know what works for DD, which was great.

Neither of them can regulate emotions... everything is a meltdown. DD bursts into tears at the drop of a hat, and the rages, over the smallest things. I'm really concerned that her behaviour could deteriorate if she can't manage.

I'm free next weekend, so a declutter could be done then, it's well overdue.

Issue with routines is they go to my mum's every night after school, I then fetch them, some nights they go to their dads, it's all over the place. I can look at it and see what could change.

I did try a weighted blanket, but DS just kept kicking it off, it's too hot for it now anyway...maybe I can try again. He does pile up huge teddies around him every night, I can barely fit in the bed..

Screens do absolutely keep them occupied they'd be on them all day if they could. Does buy me time but then I think it contributes to the issues too. DD is obsessed with her phone.

Ok I'm going to start my day now DS is up and I think I'll call the school and GP today for advice.

I have seen melatonin to buy online, I wonder if it might be worth trying it and then going to the GP for prescription if it has an effect, it must be s lower dosage though?

Another melatonin vote here! Game changer.

Agree with all the melatonin advise, absolute game changer. I would also suggest a calming sensory activity before bedtime, playing with water beads is something my asd son finds quite relaxing, and no screens for an hour before bedtime.

Portable air con in your ds's room, it will keep you cool and the white noise helps me sleep.

Don't try to be perfect, if the floor needs a hoover, it can be done tomorrow.

You said you were working 4 days, do you have an office or somewhere quiet at work? If you do and won't get distracted by colleagues then go into work on your day off and do marking / admin there.

Will the kids eat school dinners? That's one less job if they will, if they won't then get them making the lunches, I know 6 is young and it will be a faff to start with but your teenager should be able to supervise / help.

Oh and give yourself a break. A bar of chocolate, a long bath, a glass of wine, just a little bit of 'me time'

This sounds harsh and is only a suggestion, but could you rehome your pets if they are just adding to your stress. Would your ex or your mum take them? We always had rabbits when I was growing up but now I just don't have the mental space left to have yet another living thing to take care of. My oldest has ASD and it is fucking relentless.

One thing that does help my DS to settle at night, and he worked this out himself, was those colour changing light strips. We put one strip at the top of the wall opposite his bed and there is a remote so he can control what colour it is on or if it cycles through them. And they’re dimmable too.

Pic if it’s any use to you

I realise this advice is against the grain & not recommended but can they go up to bed earlier and watch a movie/programme to give you time to tidy/work? Then by the time you go up to settle them you know everything is done and you can go to bed after? If they're already staying up so late I cant see what harm it would do, and you can always move the time they go up to bed earlier gradually. I think if screens are what motivates them, you need to use that to your advantage & make your life a bit easier until you find a routine that works for everyone.

Thanks all, I'll look at doing those things..

Unfortunately I don't have an office and the petrol is an added cost I can't really afford, I do go in my day off if I need to. Work have annoyingly just emailed with a task that has to be done tomorrow, on my busiest teaching day...great. but hopefully I can get it done tonight.

DD has pet rats, they really help her, plus a cat who is special needs in her own way, it is extra work, but the benefits to us all are massive, she loves them. She has a list broken into tasks for cleaning them out, plus they go with her to her dad's, which helps. Last resort would be rehoming them if she doesn't start to take more responsibility, she knows that. She said today she tried a stress squish toy in class and it helped her concentration, so just going to try a few more things for her. Just acknowledging that her brain works differently is a help to her I think.

We've got the lights for DD, they help. They're at their dads tonight and I've spent all day working on the garden, it was making me feel overwhelmed just looking at the weeds and the meadow height grass, my lovely neighbour helped me, feels good to have that done, plus the food shop and the house is sort of straightened out...time to relax!

Funnily enough DSs teacher spoke to me today, they've noticed certain behaviour that they want to talk to me about...as they were talking to me, DS was racing up and down the playground...I said I assume it's that 😂 and that I've been wondering about screening for ADHD...seems it's noticeable there too. So that's a positive step. I'm ordering melatonin tonight too.

This had all really helped, thanks so much. I got a bit down earlier about the prospect that I have two non NT kids, but they're just themselves, nothings changed, I just might get some help now to understand them better.

I'm ordering melatonin tonight too.

Life is about to get a lot better.

You’re doing great Op. look at what you’ve already managed to sort since last night? You’ve decided to try melatonin and youve raised the possibility of ADHD screening with your sons teacher. Those are both great progress.

Well done OP a nice garden is something you can glance at during the day for a 10 sec 'pick me up'

Also I agree with UhtredRagnarson well done.

Have you spoken to anyone at work? Both for yourself and for your children?

I was a supply teacher so I didn't normally have my own class but for a number of weeks I 'took over' another class for registration because that member of staff had to be home for her child's medical treatment.

Another place I worked a member of staff had an understanding that she could be late without penalty because her son had SEN and she couldn't always get him up and dressed and in school.

I don't know your workplace, but if it is supportive you can ask,

Also talk to the SENCO at your school for ideas to try with your children. They may have some ideas or even things like stress toys they can lend out.

I had a student who needed to 'fiddle', she always needed something in her hands - I gave her a padlock with push buttons and she spent the lesson pressing buttons and paying attention.

Always ask for help on here, there are few, if any, problems the MN hive mind cannot make better. Yes we are a nest of vipers but we look after each other as we would our viper offspring.

Thankyou all, his teacher has agreed with everything I've noticed, plus the obsessive behaviour, like touching a door three times, counting etc...she's going to do a pediatrician referral, so that's progress. Feeling a lot brighter today.
I will talk to work I think, it's very stressful at the moment but they are very good at support for working parents.

IME it’s better to ask wherever/whoever you can think of for help rather than assume there won’t be help available. Not everyone will be able to help but some will and those that won’t might be able to direct you into other sources of support and help. Speak to your work and see if they can do anything to make things easier for you. I’m sure they’ll want to do whatever they can to hold onto a good staff member.

I have an 8 year old boy with ADHD who is the same, I lie with him in bed till about 10 every night otherwise he would not stay in his bed. I'm going to try gradually reducing the help he needs.

One thing that does help us to some extent is putting on podcast stories such as Story Shed and Story Time on Spotify.

He's now on meds in the day. I am also going to try melatonin for him in the eve.

Im also in a position where I don't feel able to work full time due to how full on my 8 year old is.

What helps me is reading whilst I lie with my son (Kindle or phone) so that at least I am getting some relaxation too!

Hope things improve soon xx

Huge sympathy from me . I'm a working lone parent who has a tween DD who had a 8 year sleep problem that has now turned into off the scale challenging behaviour and it has dominated me and her older brothers lives.

Didn't mean to give you a bear tired. Meant .

Thanks again all. Better evening tonight, I managed to leave work early to collect the kids from school, DD had s friend over which always helps as she's occupied, managed to get her to clean her rat cage out, which involves a lot of constant printing but it got done at least, cleaned up, DS helped, got obsessed with hoovering and mopping, which was great..it's finally cooled down too so hopefully we will all sleep better. Ordered melatonin and Fish oil, all on the credit card but hey..
I got him some LED strip lights, which he laid and looked at whilst I sat with him, really seemed to do the trick, was asleep in about 30 mins, which is very good for a night after being at his dad's, he's usually worse after.. DD even crashed earlyish. Was so nice to have time to clean and dirt stuff out and I won't even be in bed that late tonight.
Was just nice I guess to have his teacher agree that they've noticed the behaviour too. Feels like steps in the right direction.

@megletthesecond I call DD eleventeen....she's so stroppy, everything is answered with 'yes' in a rude stroppy way..I had to practice deep breathing every time, I did snap at her once and explained that when she uses that tone it really upsets me...I do worry about how much her telling her brother to shut up and stop it constantly actually makes it all worse..
She can be so lovely but my god, she can be a total cow too.
I'm really trying to understand them both but it's so hard.

I share your pain. I tried with my GP for my youngest two ASD children for melatonin and was point blank refused. So I buy online. It's changed bedtimes for us and made it more bearable - not perfect but bearable.

Ahhh so nice to hear this OP. You’re definitely heading in the right direction. And don’t worry if it’s back to “normal” tomorrow night. That’s just the way it goes. Take each night as it comes, each day is a new day, and each night is a new night.

Op I don’t have answers but two kids in a similar boat with neurodivergence. You are NOT alone and sending you

@LoopTheLoops

Melatonin can only be prescribed by a paediatrician I’ve heard? Is that right?

You can buy Melatonin online. I've often used it, have to say it was a waste of time and has never had any effect on me but everyone is different.

OP I think you're amazing.

I wouldn't have stayed in bed with either of my kids just to get them to sleep - would if they'd been ill. I'd rather they stayed up doing what they want until they're really tired.

What both your children must realise, especially your eldest, is that you are tired and need a bit of quiet.

I hope things improve.

I was a single mum and I'm afraid I would not have tolerated that behaviour. I worked full time and needed my own space after 8pm.
My son knew better than to break my rules.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky good luck trying that with most sn kids