To want to cry every night about my kids bedtimes?

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

I'm about to lose it. Single mum, DC with me 5 to 6 nights a week. DD is 11, DS is 6...both suspected ADHD/ADD. They NEVER STOP. Unless it's screens, then they don't listen to anything or anyone.

DD is up and down stairs all fucking evening, getting snacks, doing this, doing that... finally sleeps around 11pm. She's wonderful and so clever and can be do thoughtful and kind, but fuck me she just doesn't switch off. I get constant lip from her because she's tired, I can't give her any attention because of her brother..I've tried to get her to sort her pets out tonight and tidy her room, but kept having to ask and chivvy and remind and her brother just wanted constant attention so it didn't get done.

DS demands I stay with him, in his bed, until he falls asleep. Every night. It's nearly 10 and he's wailing now because I won't let him basically lie on top of me. He has to be in physical contact. I'm so hot, I'm so fed up...if I leave him he screams, wails, shouts mummmymummymummy at the top of his voice. Been doing bath and bed since 7.30pm.

I'm a teacher, I've not had the energy to work in the evening for months, I need to, to keep on top of work. I sit here doing emails on my phone waiting for him to sleep.

I'm at the end of my tether, I've got piles of washing everywhere, clean but not put away because I never get a bloody minute in the evenings. House is a tip, cat needs feeding and as a result is also now in here wailing at me, other pets to sort, lunches to make.. I've got easily an hour, maybe two of stuff to do for the morning and despite doing loads since I've been home I know I won't get to even switch my laptop on untill 11 at least and then might not sleep until 1am..I do get a day off a week but it's spent just running around playing catch-up. 4 days a week I'm up at 6 and weekends DS is up at 7 or earlier, plus during the night, last night he was calling out several times in the night, waking me. DD at least now sleeps through, neither of them did until about age 4, not one night. Neither ever slept during the day, not longer than 20 mins.

They've always been this way, nothing works. I think I've tried everything. I'm speaking to the child health service once a week to get advice from a counsellor as his behaviour is terrible too, tantrums, screaming, ignoring... but they suggested a timer when he knew I'd go after 15 mins of staying with him and he just screams.

When he's with his dad he does this, he has to call me or play a recorded story by me to help him sleep, or he sits with him too. He didn't bother keeping up the timer thing either so it's pointless as there's no consistent approach.

The heat isn't helping either.

I'm just at the end of my tether. If I'm honest the issues with both kids split up my relationship as ex didnt help at all and I had to beg him to take over most nights so I could work. I took a cut in hours as I was so exhausted, now I'm on my own I'm still exhausted but skint too.

I'm just on the edge of tears every night with this. I've got a wonderful boyfriend who is sympathetic but doesn't have his own kids, we see each other once a week and I prioritise sleep then and get a break from the relentless bedtimes, but he really wanted to chat tonight about something that happened today and I still haven't been able to call him. He's really patient but he's no idea really what it can be like.

I just feel so overwhelmed by it all. Sorry for the sweary rant. I just don't know what to do. I really like living on my own, I'm much happier without my ex and he wasn't much help either, on the spectrum too so used to just need telling directly constantly what I needed him to do and it was exhausting...then used to just create more mess and get sulky with me when I'd spend all evening cleaning or working or doing everything for the next day. Used to get himself up in the morning without helping and just sort himself out, trot off to work and leave me to sort the kids.. Most days are easily better without that but it's so lonely lying here night after night.

I know it'll get better, probably in 5 or 6 years time if DD is anything to go by, but I'll just have an 11 year old that can sort of put himself to bed but is still bloody awake and an 17 year old who will most likely be out causing me other worries 😂 oh and I'll be nearly 50 so menopausal too, happy days 😭

And yes, sod work..going to bed! Once I've made lunches, hung out the washing, etc etc...

Have you thought about going to bed with your DS at 8pm and then getting up early (at 4-5am) to work? Either put a double bed in his room if it will fit or let him sleep in your room.

Your DD is less likely to faff about at bedtimes if the lights are off downstairs and there's nothing exciting happening since you're upstairs going to sleep.

It's fairly miserable having no evening but at least this way you will be able to work having had some sleep. Might be a short-term fix until you can see if melatonin is appropriate.

3 adhders here. Drugs drugs and more drugs - ok I'm half joking. I wouldn't survive the day without kids being on their adhd meds plus melatonin at night. I also give them fish oils. GP lists can be long, if you cam afford it go private. Our youngest was assessed and diagnosed within two months and started medication (big bothers were diagnosed via nhs).
Lots and lots of exercise. We literally do sports clubs every night and weekends.

Weighted blanket and audio book at bedtime. Rewards work well so mine get iPad in morning once fed, teeth brush and dressed. If they don't stay on bed no ipad

One of mine even goes to sleep in my bed (I'm not there - he just likes the smell supposedly). Then I move him.

Iv started HRT which has been brilliant for my ability to cope.

And def no tidying during the week. They have chore chart for a Saturday and Sunday. Every chore they get done is pocket money which is paid Sunday night. Again it wouldn't get done without meds tbh

This thread has been eye opening. I have two boys and suspect all of us and their dad have undiagnosed adhd.

Bedtimes have been hellish for so long I thought it was normal. I have a nine year old who never stops, parkour everywhere, full of beans, bless him, super smart so no hope of getting any support from school.

He is super clingy at night and likes me to lie with him until he falls asleep. Which is quite quickly to be fair. He wets the bed most nights which I find very hard to deal with.

His older brother is 11 and not as physically hyper, but at bedtime it will be non stop talking, laughing, getting up for drinks, food, chats and it drives me mad.

I think tonight they went over about 11. They share a room and were chatting and laughing. I find it all so mentally draining and exhausting.

Now I am sitting in a very messy house, like a laundry explosion and I will stay up late because I need my quiet time.

Definitely will look into melatonin and fish oils.

That all sounds good...thing is, I'm just rubbish at keeping on it with those things, plus I'm such a night owl, although I'm shattered I don't know if I could sleep. Maybe I'll try one or two nights a week. DD has scouts till 9pm one night, ds has beavers, they both love it, but the nights they do it bedtimes are so much later and worse...I'm up at 6 anyway and out the house at 7...I just don't think I could concentrate at that time, but maybe if I was in bed by 9.30 or something. There just aren't enough hours in the day, plus nights at their dads and the 24 hrs they are there at the weekend just mess it up..I need to work on routine.

@Rebuildingconfidence yes, totally my life. I need quiet, just for an hour or so, I can't switch off without it.
DH was definitely ASD. No emotion, no empathy, it was exhausting.
School aren't interested as they're both bright as buttons. DD had the highest reading score in the year, going to grammar, but she's not able to work in a classroom or finish anything. Tests though, off the charts. Highest 11+ scores you can get, no tutoring. So they just say there's no issues.

@hankunamatata Iif I didn't do a little every night the house would be worse, definitely...it's already bad and I cleaned Sunday. Stuff everywhere but I don't know where to start. Just getting DD to keep her room clean is a nightmare, she's just doesn't care, she'd live in filth.

If you have white noise machine for your son maybe try ocean noise ...it really does work.X💐

I was also a night owl. I think getting to bed earlier and waking up earlier would be better for you. Just having all the lights off and TV off and stuff will help your kids realise there is nothing fun to stay up for.

I have a checklist for morning and evening. Sorting out pets, laundry and dishes are every day tasks. Just picking up a few things where you can here and there also helps.

Be kind to yourself though. you are working hard and doing your best, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Be kind to yourself though. you are working hard and doing your best, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Yup. Make this your mantra. Repeat it to yourself as many times a day as you need to. There are enough assholes out there making life hard for us, we don’t need to beat ourselves up too. We really are just battling on as best we can. It’s tough, it’s shit? But we’re bloody doing it.

I couldn't not reply to this as it is all so familiar.

First thing, sack off CAMHS utterly useless. Go private. ADHD assessment private is around £850. Its done with in about a month and if as long as you use a clinic that operates to the NICE stsndard guidelines their findings and recommendations have to be adhered to.

Sleep. Basically your lives are chaos. Messy house, mile long to-do lists and constant go go go right until you're demanding them to immediately stop and sleep.

2 or 3 days. Assign those days to COMPLETELY declutter the house. If it doesnt bring joy or isn't absolutely necessary throw it out. Be RUTHLESS. Do each room methodically. Their bedrooms need to just be a bed, dull, plain bed sheets and curtains with a few books and one or two sentimental items. No toys. Tech. Screens. Or stimulus. Each day their room is tidied, landry put away and beds made.

Pets. I accepted that managing ADHD and single parenting meant that animals were beyond our remit and were rehomed with close family so the children still see them. All the animals did was either detract from attention the kids needed or get neglected whilst adding to the chaos and never ending to do list.

Rountine. Stick to one and do not waiver. Do at least 30 minutes of activity an evening after school, snack around 4 and dinner later. Around 6. Once they go upstairs for showers they don't come back down. All forms of tech and screens off an hour before bed. Moshi monsters or mindful monsters to practise some breathing and relaxation techniques. Read a book and lights off.

Clingy 6 year old has his reasons for needing you that he wont be able to articulate. Sit him diwb, get him drawing or using play dough and gently lead the conversation to bed time. Ask what hes feeling when he thinks about being in bed alone. Listen to his answers and help him find a way around the worries. For my son its that I help him manage his panic attacks better than he does alone and so he wants me to always be present. So we came up with a method he can practise alone that works.

Diet. Diet is so important. Try to reduce wheat and diary and give them omega 3 fish oil supplements. If your daughter is snacking into the evening she is either eating dinner too warlt6, it isn't giving her what she needs or she has an oral fixation you can satisfy with a chewy gem or similar.

So the short version. Deal with the chaos. Form a strict and fixed routine and give them room to discuss what keeps them awake.

The adhd brain is constantly processing and whirring along.. If their environment is chaotic it just constantly overstimulates them.

Good luck

I think you need to lower your expectations. My eldest is ASD and he was so much more challenging than his NT younger brother and sister. We had to accept that we would never be able to parent him in the same way and that he would never behave in the same way as an NT child.

So while he might tidy his room it will be under direct supervision. He can't look at a room and know where to start. Instead I direct him to pick up his dirty clothes. Or to make his bed. It's so much easier to work together than directing him to tidy his room and have him just not do it.

Do screens keep them occupied? If they do let them have them. You could do dinner and then they get a couple of hours screen time while you work. Then start the bedtime routine later. You know it's going to be crap, but doing the bedtime routine knowing you still have a ton of work to do must be awful.

We didn't find melatonin that useful but I know for some it's life changing. Don't think you have to do everything else first. In many countries you can buy melatonin tablets over the counter at a pharmacy. If you can get it and it works that's great.

Have you talked to work about what you are dealing with? It might help to get support from them. I know I can access counselling if I need it through HR and you may have similar help available.

I can buy it here (usa) over the Counter.. 25 mgs upward too... bizarre

good luck OP, you sound at the end of your tether. 🌸

@Theghostofchristmasarse, my situation is similar with regard to bedtimes/chaos/getting up exhausted at 10.30 pm or so to get on top of the chaos so that mornings aren't even more chaotic, and trying to claw back some semblance of control. It feels so bloody relentless. I am single parent to 3 dc, 2 of whom share a room and egg each other on at bedtime. My mantra when I am feeling like a crappy parent who is drowning is "You weren't supposed to do this on your own". It helps remind me to be kind to myself in the face of such an overwhelming situation. You have my every sympathy x

In terms of your DC having to touch you to go to sleep I had this problem and solved it by buying DD a big body pillow, the long ones used during pregnancy. As soon as she got one she started to sleep on her own.

Melatonin.

Poor you. Sounds horrendous.
You also have to get done procedures in place, say get ds to help you feed the cat as soon as you all get home, so the pressure is not on you later. Get ds to put piles of washing away. Time him, ask him to do it as fast as he can?

Make all your sandwiches together, straight after dinner. Trick dd into helping, make it fun, in a silly way. And ds. Then that'll be done. To stop the pressure later.

You could move this over to SN section to get good advice aswell.

Just echoing what everyone has said here about melatonin. For the kids who really need it, it's a lifesaver. DS is on Circadin every night, and without it gets more and more anxious because he's exhausted but his body won't stop moving. Very distressing for him, and the only other alternative is to lie in spoon position with him for 2-3 hours a night as physical pressure helps.

OP, I feel your pain. You may find things change for DD at secondary. My eldest who is 18 was considered G&T at primary and got 6 in SATS. But because of her natural brightness and creativity, I don't think she ever learnt to learn/ study. She went off to secondary school with very high predicted grades and by year 8 was starting to slip. Her teachers decided she was naughty as she did not concentrate and was caught chatting a lot. She got caught shoplifting but said it was fun( adrenalin rush) and then took an overdose ( saw CAHMS who felt it was spontaneous and she was not a risk to herself as not unhappy) but none of these things were taken as signs of ASD. The biggest sign for me was her lack of emotional regulation which had always been an issue and DH and myself are both very calm and non confrontational so we found that very hard to manage. I asked school to investigate but they were not interested and she did not want a label until we got lockdown with her in middle of A levels and she was having daily meltdowns. One of her teachers just emailed more and more work with no zoom lessons. She did none of it. She was/ is up until early hours of every morning. She agreed to assessment but was by then Gillick competent and nearly 18 so everything went directly through her and with her lack of organisation it was delayed more and more. Finally she has an assessment booked for next month but too late to salvage A levels sadly. Maybe when your DD starts grammar it would be worth speaking to them about your suspicions and asking them to keep a close eye on the situation. I left it to late, although am discovering most' girls' with ADD are diagnosed in their 30's and 40's. I think now, having read up about it, that I have inattentive ADD. My husband is highly likely Asperger's.
I wonder if it would be better to accept that with sleeping such an issue that bedtime should start later with some kind of relaxation beforehand, story/ bath/ music and natural sleeping remedies. Have you tried rewards for him managing to self settle. Sounds really tough and doing it on your own too. Hang in there .

@loopyapp

I couldn't not reply to this as it is all so familiar.

First thing, sack off CAMHS utterly useless. Go private. ADHD assessment private is around £850. Its done with in about a month and if as long as you use a clinic that operates to the NICE stsndard guidelines their findings and recommendations have to be adhered to.

Sleep. Basically your lives are chaos. Messy house, mile long to-do lists and constant go go go right until you're demanding them to immediately stop and sleep.

2 or 3 days. Assign those days to COMPLETELY declutter the house. If it doesnt bring joy or isn't absolutely necessary throw it out. Be RUTHLESS. Do each room methodically. Their bedrooms need to just be a bed, dull, plain bed sheets and curtains with a few books and one or two sentimental items. No toys. Tech. Screens. Or stimulus. Each day their room is tidied, landry put away and beds made.

Pets. I accepted that managing ADHD and single parenting meant that animals were beyond our remit and were rehomed with close family so the children still see them. All the animals did was either detract from attention the kids needed or get neglected whilst adding to the chaos and never ending to do list.

Rountine. Stick to one and do not waiver. Do at least 30 minutes of activity an evening after school, snack around 4 and dinner later. Around 6. Once they go upstairs for showers they don't come back down. All forms of tech and screens off an hour before bed. Moshi monsters or mindful monsters to practise some breathing and relaxation techniques. Read a book and lights off.

Clingy 6 year old has his reasons for needing you that he wont be able to articulate. Sit him diwb, get him drawing or using play dough and gently lead the conversation to bed time. Ask what hes feeling when he thinks about being in bed alone. Listen to his answers and help him find a way around the worries. For my son its that I help him manage his panic attacks better than he does alone and so he wants me to always be present. So we came up with a method he can practise alone that works.

Diet. Diet is so important. Try to reduce wheat and diary and give them omega 3 fish oil supplements. If your daughter is snacking into the evening she is either eating dinner too warlt6, it isn't giving her what she needs or she has an oral fixation you can satisfy with a chewy gem or similar.

So the short version. Deal with the chaos. Form a strict and fixed routine and give them room to discuss what keeps them awake.

The adhd brain is constantly processing and whirring along.. If their environment is chaotic it just constantly overstimulates them.

Good luck

This is really good advice imo

"suspected ADHD/ADD." How near diagnosis?
Where abouts are you in yet 'system'? GP refered to Paed? Long wait time?

I got nowhere on NHS, but then paid once to see Pead privately who also did NHS, asked to be refered back into NHS and then all of a sudden his 'private' views were taken much more seriously.

@Theghostofchristmasarse make an appointment with your gp but they might not be able to precribe. In my area they have to refer you on but my gp did prescribe 7 tablets whilst we were waiting.

I was really clear about the impact on my life. So i would say your job is at risk from tiredness and your sanity. I would also be clear that you have a good bedtime routine as they bang on about sleep hygiene as i suppose for some famies they never thought of having a bedtime routine. Good luck