Hitting back

[Hullabaloo9]

I am a bit conflicted about how I feel on this one. My ds(4) was involved in a minor alteration at school today. He and a good friend were arguing about something silly. Friend squeezed sons arm and dug in his nails, breaking the skin. Son said he would tell the teacher so friend restrained him to prevent this. Son hit friend. They were both told off by the teacher and are still best of friends. Its just one of those things that happens with kids this age. Six of one and half a dozen of the other. I'm happy with how it was dealt with.

However, it got me thinking, I'm not sure if I really should further reprimand my son for hitting in this instance. Obviously its not ideal and I have always drummed into him that if someone hurts him he should tell the teacher... but if that option is not possible?

I am tempted to tell him (probably when he's a bit older to be honest) that he must first shout out loudly "stop it, you are hurting me" at least 3 times and if no help is available that he can defend himself. In these circumstances he can hit as hard as he can but only once, and then go and find a teacher as soon as possible.

To avoid drip feeding, he is my third child. My older two I definitely followed the school line of no hitting under any circumstances, no retaliation, always just tell a teacher. My middle son suffered some prolonged bullying in upper primary and although being considerably bigger than his bullies he would never ever hit back. Maybe I wish he would have.

Please share honestly how you advise your kids on this issue. I honestly don't know what's the right approach.

@FATEdestiny

So some poor kids will get bullied for years potentially, poked here, shoved there, kicked under the table, punched in the arm

As per my post above. The only reason bullying is on going is when it is not reported.

That is really interesting. I can appreciate that self regulation isn't taught in school and how beneficial it would be if it was.

It's a shame it is not taught widely across school. But we have courses that our inclusion manager runs for specific pupils, and we make it compulsory to allow them back into school after fixed term exclusion (as part of a risk assessment).

The Only reason bullying is going is when it is not reported

I was with your admirable first post but you're embarrassingly and almost offensively naive to the point you can't be real.

So all bullying stops after it's first reported? You either represent a perfect school or you're in the clouds. Unbelievable.

I always taught my children to not hit back and tell a teacher. With my dd he was once cornered against a fence by a number of other children that were picking on him
About being colour blind, he lashed out to get away and he was the one that got into trouble with school.
Also he was once at a skatepark minding his own business and a bit beat him up. He just took it until a mother came over to help him. This fact i had always told him to not hit back did him no favours. He got to big school and other boys would still try and pick a fight with him, push him around. Until one day a boy had been saying horrific things to my son about his sister and pushing him around it got too much and he hit him back. That boy hasn't said boo to my son since. It's such a tricky situation. But I wish I'd told him to hit back but only if he was hit first.

I teach my child to never hit first, but hit back harder if someone hits him. And I won't ever change my stance on that. I was bullied for years, the school were shit and did nothing to stop it, despite many people witnessing the bully try to set me on fire and saying so. I will completely stand by my child smacking a bully if it comes down to it.

@FATEdestiny

Zero tolerance on violence means zero tolerance on violence.

You teach him the skills to de-esculate. In this situation, he could have just walked away and told a teacher at a quiet time later. He didn't need to inflame the situation immediately. The skills of calming down and de-esculating.

I sit on the discipline panel at a secondary school dealing with fixed term exclusions. I must see 3-5 children involved in physical alterations per week, every week, all excluded. No distinction is made between "he started it". Bith/all pupils using physical violence will face the most serious consequences.

You teach him how to de-esculate.

That absolutely should be changed. Children, infact everyone should be allowed to defend themselves when being attacked. I think it's disgusting to punish someone for defending themselves.

OPS child was just to ignore what happened to him, sink quietly into a corner and allow someone to treat him that way? Ridiculous.

@anon12345678901

I teach my child to never hit first, but hit back harder if someone hits him. And I won't ever change my stance on that. I was bullied for years, the school were shit and did nothing to stop it, despite many people witnessing the bully try to set me on fire and saying so. I will completely stand by my child smacking a bully if it comes down to it.

I completely agree, also as someone who was bullied through school. Unfortunately my second ds is extremely shy and hasn't done that until recently. Probably when he realised the school are fucking shit and they're not going to protect him, because they have allowed other children to push him around for 3 years, even after me flagging it up several times.

I think your son responded appropriately.

The other child restrained him so all bets were off.

What if the teacher isn't nearby to hear him call?

Obviously hitting first is not on but he is not wrong to defend himself.

I wouldn't want him to be seen as a victim/ target within his class.

I would keep and eye on things.

Breaking his skin with his nails is vicious and I certainly wouldn't be happy.

That would have hurt him.
Not acceptable.

I wouldn't be giving out to him.

The OP's situation wasn't bullying though. It was (normally) friends having an argument.

As per my post above. The only reason bullying is on going is when it is not reported.

Naive minimising bullshit.

I think it depends on the child sometimes, my DD is 6 and I think she’ll need to be told it’s ok to hit back as it’s just not in her nature to defend herself. Her toddler brother on the other hand is looking like he’ll be a very different kettle of fish!