Page 4 | My mother never offers to babysit

30yearoldvirgin · 2021-06-15T14:56:08+00:00

AIBU? My husband and I have two children. 1 teen, 1 seven year old. Our daily lives are pretty stressful as our 7 year old has ASD. We are desperate for a break. Dreaming of a night away at a spa.... the problem is my mother never offers to babysit and when I ask her I’m left feeling as though I’m burdening her. Anyone have similar circumstances? Any advice? Thanks

LittlePearl · 15/06/2021 18:28

@osbertthesyrianhamster

I'm always staggered by how many people say it's unreasonable to hope that grandparents will help with their grandchildren.

I'm always staggered by how many people have all this family help. That they're able to afford to live near enough the grandparents, the grandparents are able to do it not dead, ill, disabled or working all hours.

With housing being so expensive in the future many won't be able to live in some parts of the country so will be far from grandparents to rely on for childcare.

We didn't have 'all this family help' we just had parents who did what they could, when they could. And I want to do the same for my children now they are adults.

Obviously if we were dead disabled or working all hours then we wouldn't be able to but the OP hasn't suggested that's the case. Neither has she said she 'relies' on her mother for childcare, just that she would like the odd evening off. I don't think that is unreasonable.

Notaroadrunner · 15/06/2021 18:29

@blublub that’s harsh, your mum cared for you so it’s right that you care for her if she needs it

Wha a ridiculous statement. Parents choose to have kids knowing that they are expected to care for them for many years. It does not mean that those children then have to care for their parents in later years. It's all very well if they want to do it, but it should not be an expectation.

@30yearoldvirgin it's a shame your mum doesn't offer and that she's not overly enthusiastic when you ask for help. My mum was great but we stopped asking mil after a couple of knock backs. I'd suggest sourcing a babysitter and getting them over to the house while you are there so that they can spend time getting to know your dc. If you did this a few times your dc may bond with them and you could take small trips out to start with, building up to a night out when dc is comfortable with them.

Colourcones · 15/06/2021 18:32

I'd start by asking her if she would sit for a couple of hours. You mention a night away . That's a pretty big ask if your children are not particularly easy.

Ellpellwood · 15/06/2021 18:37

the grandparents are able to do it not dead, ill, disabled or working all hours.

It's not that unusual as a mum in your mid 30s to have retired parents in their early 60s. My dad is 66, runs on the treadmill every day and plays golf 4 times a week. My 3 closest mum friends have at least one set of local retired parents who help out where they can because they like spending time with their grandchildren. Reading mumsnet you'd think these people are like hen's teeth.

3scape · 15/06/2021 18:38

My mum has never babysat. My dad has once when it was a funeral on my husband's site where they were no kids.

I'm honestly not comfortable with non professionals babysitting. My parents generation weren't exactly winning any awards for caring responsibilities. My mother still bangs on about being put upon etc.

partyatthepalace · 15/06/2021 18:41

Well you can’t control your mum’s feelings OP. If she’s willing to do it that’s the main thing - I’d just ask her, acknowledge it’s a pain, and get some nice wine in.

Ckzoaa · 15/06/2021 19:08

As a mum to two SEND DCs I totally understand and I also agree with you sometimes it would be nice if others saw you struggling and offered as I know I would.

Snog · 15/06/2021 19:14

I would hope that parents would help their adult children if they are struggling. Often it's not the case. YANBU OP.

ArgyleIsle · 15/06/2021 19:24

My parents never did either and if I pushed it, it was always far too much of an issue. I can remember my DM saying 'ohhh but what can I feed them' and saying 'burgers, sausage...' and thinking OMG it can't be that hard.

When my marriage broke down, my mum reflected on it and said 'perhaps we could have helped you more and given you more time' and then once I was a single parent, promptly moved to Spain!

Can't write it can you?

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/06/2021 20:30

@30yearoldvirgin

Crikey. This was my first post. Probably shouldn’t have bothered. But thanks to those that showed a little understanding. A babysitter is not an option, as my son would not be comfortable with anyone other than immediate family due to his autism. I didn’t say my mother was obliged to babysit, it would just be nice to be shown some compassion. Surely if we see loved ones struggling the right thing is to offer support?

Sounds time to start using a regular babysitter then. Same person so your ds gets used to them

99victoria · 15/06/2021 21:05

Both my parents and my in-laws lived 2+ hours drive away so babysitting/childcare was never an option when my 3 kids were young. If my husband and I wanted a night out we asked a friend to babysit (and then returned the favour at a later date) or paid someone.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 15/06/2021 21:12

I'm always staggered by how many people say it's unreasonable to hope that grandparents will help with their grandchildren

but why is it unreasonable? I have one child, by choice, If he has four kids I don't want to look after them, and definitely if one of them were to have additional needs.

The odd babysitting would ok, but the OP admits her 7 year old has additional needs. In that case, no, unless they were needs I could cope with. It's not showing a lack of compassion, I wonder why the OP assumes her mother can cope with her younger child's additional needs. I hope she won't assume her teen can, either.

saraclara · 15/06/2021 21:14

My parents generation weren't exactly winning any awards for caring responsibilities.

WTAF @3scape ?

You're writing off a whole generation (likely to be mine) as rubbish at caring, and not to be trusted with today's babies and children? Seriously?

fairycakes1234 · 16/06/2021 13:24

@30yearoldvirgin

Crikey. This was my first post. Probably shouldn’t have bothered. But thanks to those that showed a little understanding. A babysitter is not an option, as my son would not be comfortable with anyone other than immediate family due to his autism. I didn’t say my mother was obliged to babysit, it would just be nice to be shown some compassion. Surely if we see loved ones struggling the right thing is to offer support?

ha you should get used to it, no matter what the post is, you will always have the die hards telling you tough shit, just get on with it, I'd hate to meet a few of them irl but thankfully I havent come across them. Hope you get sorted and get a night away , it must be hard for you, I cant imagine because I always had supoort but even if i didnt I would still symathise with you. A lot of people on this site seem to have severe anger issues :)