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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother never offers to babysit

89 replies

30yearoldvirgin · 15/06/2021 15:56

AIBU? My husband and I have two children. 1 teen, 1 seven year old. Our daily lives are pretty stressful as our 7 year old has ASD. We are desperate for a break. Dreaming of a night away at a spa.... the problem is my mother never offers to babysit and when I ask her I’m left feeling as though I’m burdening her. Anyone have similar circumstances? Any advice? Thanks

OP posts:
KarensGobbyChops · 15/06/2021 16:38

@30yearoldvirgin

AIBU? My husband and I have two children. 1 teen, 1 seven year old. Our daily lives are pretty stressful as our 7 year old has ASD. We are desperate for a break. Dreaming of a night away at a spa.... the problem is my mother never offers to babysit and when I ask her I’m left feeling as though I’m burdening her. Anyone have similar circumstances? Any advice? Thanks
Judging by this thread I must me a total anomaly !

But MN has that effect sometimes.

My DC have yet to get to that stage of life but I'm almost eager for it. I'll be the volunteering MIL - probably to the extent DILs/SILs will be getting pissed off & complaining on here Wink.

klangers · 15/06/2021 16:38

Don't expect her to babysit then you won't be disappointed.

I speak as a parent whose
own parents have never babysat - my child is a teen.

You can't change her, so just adjust your expectations.

blublub · 15/06/2021 16:39

But you didn’t choose to be born so why should you provide care? using that logic @Mymapuddlington.

I think it’s about families pulling together and her daughter clearly could use some help, but she doesn’t want to. As a mum I don’t get it, I will always help my kids if I can. Even when they’re adults because I care about them and love them.

Original poster
30yearoldvirgin · 15/06/2021 16:40

Crikey. This was my first post. Probably shouldn’t have bothered. But thanks to those that showed a little understanding.
A babysitter is not an option, as my son would not be comfortable with anyone other than immediate family due to his autism.
I didn’t say my mother was obliged to babysit, it would just be nice to be shown some compassion. Surely if we see loved ones struggling the right thing is to offer support?

OP posts:
SchrodingersMat · 15/06/2021 16:42

YANBU OP it’s disappointing but not much you can do. I also found it hard to understand that my DH’s side of the family offered absolutely no support at all, despite having the time and capability. Unfortunately they missed out on forming a relationship with their lovely grandchildren.

To me, I am a parent for life and I will support my children and help them with their children as long as I am physically able.

KarensGobbyChops · 15/06/2021 16:42

Don't let it put you off OP - AIBU is notoriously harsh for a first post and I understand your POV, so will many people reading.

blublub · 15/06/2021 16:44

Yes it is @30yearoldvirgin and don’t be shamed into thinking otherwise. We have grown very selfish as a society imo.

Becles · 15/06/2021 16:46

Does your dad ever offer to help?

Tea3 · 15/06/2021 16:47

Yanbu, maybe try get a babysitter but let them get to know your son first build up trust so he's used to them.

cupsofcoffee · 15/06/2021 16:47

@30yearoldvirgin

Crikey. This was my first post. Probably shouldn’t have bothered. But thanks to those that showed a little understanding. A babysitter is not an option, as my son would not be comfortable with anyone other than immediate family due to his autism. I didn’t say my mother was obliged to babysit, it would just be nice to be shown some compassion. Surely if we see loved ones struggling the right thing is to offer support?
Is there an ex-nursery worker or something that he knows, that could be persuaded to do some extra weekend work?

I know it's quite common for nursery workers to do babysitting in the evenings or at weekends for extra cash.

cookiecreampie · 15/06/2021 16:48

My mum doesn't babysit for me very often. On the rare occasions I've asked her she will do it for me, but she doesn't offer a lot. I would rather just not go out than pay someone I don't know to mind my kids. I don't agree with relying on grandparents for childcare as a regular thing and taking it for granted that they will, but I do think it would be nice now and again, as it offers love and support. They are their grand children after all, not random kids.

the80sweregreat · 15/06/2021 16:49

My mum and in laws had the attitude' you want kids , you look after them'!

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2021 16:49

Is your mother single? Is your father not around? And you’ve no inlaws? Just curious why it’s her who needs to do it?

Conchitastrawberry · 15/06/2021 16:50

It’s hard. We have an adult child with severe autism. By the time he was about 3 I knew I could never leave him with anyone. We also have 3 other children. We haven’t been out, as a couple or away in over 18 years. Is there anyone else you could leave them with?

cheeseismydownfall · 15/06/2021 16:50

OP, MN is totally weird about grandparents and expectations of childcare.

Of course it would be unreasonable to demand that one's parents give up their own lives to provide free fulltime childcare. But jesus christ, we are talking about babysitting for a night a couple of times a year so that an adult daughter with some caring responsibilities can get a very-much-needed break.

Assuming that your mother is healthy and physically capable of looking after them, I think it is pretty poor form not to offer a bit of support.

Do you know why she hasn't offered? Is she genuinely worried about being able to cope, or can she just not be bothered? If the latter, then YANBU IMO.

thedevilinablackdress · 15/06/2021 16:50

Have you actually asked her?

thedevilinablackdress · 15/06/2021 16:52

... Sometimes people aren't good at picking up the cues you expect them to. Just tell her what you need and see what she says.

lastcall · 15/06/2021 16:52

I'm sorry you're disappointed your mother can't/won't babysit, but the reality is she may just not be up to being in charge of an autistic 7 year old who can't even be left alone with his own teenage sibling. That's quite telling, imo, that it won't be an easy job.

Perhaps introduce an older teen to your child and pay them to come round and 'help' while you're home a few times so he gets used to him/her. Yes, you'll have to pay the teen, but perhaps after a few visits the teen will be able to babysit once in a while as teen will be familiar to your child.

Popcornbetty · 15/06/2021 16:53

I'm o jealous of people who have really hands on grandparents (not the ones who are put on mind) but the in great health ones who actually really want to do it! You can't expect your parents to babysit as they can live their life which ever way they choose and have had their children and maybe just want the good parts now not the childcare to go with it!

Popcornbetty · 15/06/2021 16:54

so*

Ellpellwood · 15/06/2021 16:54

We don't know your mum though, OP. How annoyed I would be depends if she's thinking "Ugh, I can't be bothered with the hassle," or is feeling the responsibility would be too much.

WorraLiberty · 15/06/2021 16:54

I have a lot of friends who claim their parents/inlaws never offer to babysit but then it transpires they mean overnight.

I don't have grandchildren but I do look after my nieces from time to time. However, I'd be very reluctant to do it overnight if asked.

SirenSays · 15/06/2021 16:54

YABU. She doesn't want to, don't force her. Strange how it's always women who get roped into babysitting. My sister always asks me or my mum, never my partner or my father.

You can do trials with your babysitter and give you child a chance to get used to them first.

KarensGobbyChops · 15/06/2021 16:56

I think too many posters are assuming there is a 'grandfather'. There may not be.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/06/2021 16:57

How is your husband getting on with asking his dad?