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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mother never offers to babysit

89 replies

30yearoldvirgin · 15/06/2021 15:56

AIBU? My husband and I have two children. 1 teen, 1 seven year old. Our daily lives are pretty stressful as our 7 year old has ASD. We are desperate for a break. Dreaming of a night away at a spa.... the problem is my mother never offers to babysit and when I ask her I’m left feeling as though I’m burdening her. Anyone have similar circumstances? Any advice? Thanks

OP posts:
Zari29 · 15/06/2021 16:58

Yanbu I feel for you but maybe she feels out of her depth with your DC with asd?

arethereanyleftatall · 15/06/2021 16:59

@KarensGobbyChops

I think too many posters are assuming there is a 'grandfather'. There may not be.
When you've been on mumsnet a while and EVERY SINGLE 'parents don't help out' post, is never 'parents' but 'my mum' then it wears a little thin.
beela · 15/06/2021 16:59

Op you've had some harsh responses here.

We're in a similar situation, my mum never offers to babysit. She occasionally will if we ask her, but it's always a hassle so we don't very often! All other GPs sadly no longer with us, and our siblings are not close enough to be able to help out. We're kind of used to it now but it does make me sad when friends' parents are begging them to be able to take the grandchildren on holiday. It's just the way it is and I can't change it 🤷🏼‍♀️ but I do get where you are coming from.

WimpoleHat · 15/06/2021 17:00

My in laws are like this. I’ve reconciled myself to it over the years. Now I think in terms of “they’re my kids, not yours”, but also “it’s your appointment at the hospital, not mine/it’s you who wants a new TV, not me” etc etc. And I’m a lot less willing to put myself out for them as a result.

KarensGobbyChops · 15/06/2021 17:00

I've been on MN quite a while, don't fret.

MilduraS · 15/06/2021 17:03

One night away is very different to expecting free childcare every week. I don't think you're being unreasonable to wish she would offer to help every once in a while.

InnaBun · 15/06/2021 17:03

Maybe they struggle to look after your kids and feel a bit nervous about it?

crimsonlake · 15/06/2021 17:04

There has been a surprisingly large amount of threads recently about 'family not helping with childcare' When did this become a thing?
I am sure there are plenty of us on here who got on with bringing up 'our' children and never 'expected' family support with childcare.
You simply hire a babysitter or go out separately.

gamerchick · 15/06/2021 17:04

[quote Mymapuddlington]@blublub that’s harsh, your mum cared for you so it’s right that you care for her if she needs it.
My mum wouldn’t babysit my son, at the time it hurt but speaking her as he got older I understood that he was just too much for her to handle, she was scared of getting things wrong, scared he might hurt himself in her care, couldn’t cope with his autism. That’s fair enough, it was my choice to have a baby, not hers.[/quote]
That's not how it works, nobody asks to be born and nobody is obliged to care for a parent just because they gave birth to them. No way am I caring for elderly mothers. They reap what they have sown.

Sorry OP, how old is your teen?

FunMcCool · 15/06/2021 17:04

Ask her?

Or pay for a babysitter

Popcornbetty · 15/06/2021 17:06

@WimpoleHat i agree with that and I'm similar with my parents. They have both opted to live their life with the statement 'ive had my kids and done my time already.' This attitude is fine but it has meant no support at all and due to this I'm too tired to help them with their admin and appointments etc. It works both ways.

Gilly12345 · 15/06/2021 17:07

Is your Mum independent and still working, does she drive?

Not all Grandparents want to help, my Parents were great but I asked for favours but not too often, however my MIL wasn’t interested in helping, in fact she told us once when the twins were young that there was no one to help her when hers were young! No I’m sorry but her Parents had died before she became a Mum! After that I hardly asked for any favours and unfortunately the twins are not very close to her at all and they are very close to my Parents as they have spent so much time with them.

Gilly12345 · 15/06/2021 17:08

I would remember your Mum’s lack of support to you in the future when she may need your help.

Caselgarcia · 15/06/2021 17:13

I sympathise with you. I thought my parents would like to babysit once in a while, they never offered. On the one occasion I asked Mum if they 'could look after the kids for a couple of hours a week next friday', my Mum replied 'oh, I'm not sure, I'll have to speak to your father'. Neither of them work or have any commitments. I was really surprised as I was always staying overnight with my grandparents when I was young. I've learnt that they just don't want to, which is fine but it works both ways......we frequently have family holidays with DP's family who were always happy to babysit. We don't with mine.

Snoken · 15/06/2021 17:38

It’s frustrating that this always has to fall on mother’s shoulders. Surely there are other relatives around too, if it can’t be a babysitter who looks after them. Maybe even males ones like grandfathers, uncles etc.

gobbynorthernbird · 15/06/2021 17:42

OP, it isn't clear whether or not your mum will babysit when asked. Has she ever babysat for you?

TwoAndAnOnion · 15/06/2021 17:43

YNBU, in functional relationships, the family helps each other.

Holly60 · 15/06/2021 17:44

I take it you have now in-laws who could do it??

Frezia · 15/06/2021 17:51

I feel for you OP. MN tends to push these transactional relationships between parents and adult children (all about who owes what to whom) but I don't think that many people in the real world are like that or approve it. A mother who can look at her child of any age having a hard time and not feel the need to offer help - that's not right IMO. Same goes in the other direction.

user1471538283 · 15/06/2021 17:55

My DM never once babysit or spent any time with my DS at all. I was upset that she didnt want to.

TheTruthAndNothingButTheTruth · 15/06/2021 17:56

How often have you asked? I do get annoyed with friends who moan their parents don’t offer to babysit. I mean who does?! But if you’re asked that’s different. My MIL, who lives locally, adored having dc over but she never offered, she just said yes if we asked (and it was convenient). I think you should ask your Mum if you could plan in a weekend which suited her so she doesn’t feel burdened. Sounds like a bit of martyrdom on both side but if you don’t make a firm arrangement you’ll never get away. If she says an outright no then you’ll know you need to employ a professional - as someone said, maybe someone
Ds knows from school eg a TA who might be willing to look after him and he would be comfortable with.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/06/2021 17:57

I really hope the next generation ditches this paradigm of family help being automatic and factors that in their decisions to have kids. It's a nice bonus to have family help, but it's far from a given for a lot of people. We have a son with ASD and have never had a 'break' together. Such is life. My family is abroad and his mother has been in poor health for years.

And no, I don't expect my kids to help me later, they won't be able to, DS has ASD and DD plans to emigrate.

I wouldn't expect anyone but paid professionals to be able to handle my DS. He's really hard work.

Sorry but YABU.

Crazycrazylady · 15/06/2021 18:06

Op
My mom does it when I'm very stuck but she doesn't offer. I think that's fair enough really as she'll do it but she doesn't jump for joy around it.
As a result I don't ask her all that often abs she's not resentful either. Works for us.

LittlePearl · 15/06/2021 18:17

I'm always staggered by how many people say it's unreasonable to hope that grandparents will help with their grandchildren.

My parents helped us and I help my children. We've now got little grandchildren and it's wonderful to be involved in their lives. I love my children, why earth would I not want to support and help them?

We have full lives and would not want to do full-time child-care but we help whenever we can and our lives are richer for it.

So no OP, as far as I'm concerned YANBU.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/06/2021 18:19

I'm always staggered by how many people say it's unreasonable to hope that grandparents will help with their grandchildren.

I'm always staggered by how many people have all this family help. That they're able to afford to live near enough the grandparents, the grandparents are able to do it not dead, ill, disabled or working all hours.

With housing being so expensive in the future many won't be able to live in some parts of the country so will be far from grandparents to rely on for childcare.