To not want to see his family?

[boredandboring]

AIBU to be desperate to get out of a weekend with DH's family? (Or - what can I do to cheer myself up about it?)

Hi everyone - just looking for some advice on whether I'm being crazy here or if other people are feeling the same way after the pandemic, it's hard to tell. We have a weekend away with my DH's family planned for August that has been planned since the start of the year. We missed a lot of family events last year due to the pandemic and he has quite a big immediate family who we usually see all-together 3-4 times a year, so decided to book a big weekend away in a big holiday house where we could catch-up and be together. I was so looking forward to it when we booked it, and now I couldn't be dreading it more.

I want to preface this by saying that I have always LOVED DH's family, and they love me. We all get on really well together - more like best mates than a sibling/in-law relationship. However - since the pandemic there have been a lot of changes in all of their lives and I'm now absolutely dreading meeting up. My BIL and his partner are expecting a baby and are buying a house, my SIL and her boyfriend have both had massive and exciting career changes, my other SIL has had a big birthday and is embarking on a new post-graduate course.

Judging by the zoom calls and family whatsapp group over the last few months, I know the chat is going to be entirely about the baby (I'm excited for BIL but I don't do baby chat, I think it's so boring) and the career changes etc., and I just cba.

It's also impossible not to feel like shit that everyone else has had big things happen to them over the last year, and we haven't done anything. I feel like I have literally nothing to contribute to the conversation anymore. When we visited DH's parents last months and they asked what was going on with us I literally just said "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

We've actually been really happy over the pandemic - I've loved being hunkered down with DH and our relationship is fantastic, so it's not like I'm unhappy in my life, I just feel like now things are returning to normal and we're looking at seeing people I know I have nothing to contribute to the conversation about what's going on with everyone. It's making me feel so anxious and down, I basically don't want to meet up with anyone until I feel like I can talk about something.

I even said to DH the other day that I thought we should try and get out of it by saying we've been contacted by track and trace or something. He found that really upsetting. I don't want to alienate him from his family but I honestly know that if we go I'll feel like shit the whole time and be miserable, so I don't know what the solution is. I don't think it's an option for him to go and not me - he would be really upset about that and the whole family would find it really weird, they're very much of the thought that once you're in the family you are family, so it would be strange for me not to go. I also don't want to permanently ruin my relationship with these people who up until now I've always loved, just because I feel insecure.

I guess I'm asking - do I have to go?? Would you just suck it up??? Shall I make up some extravagant lies to make my life more exciting?

I think you’re being a bit unfair. It would be one thing if they were horrible arseholes, but it sounds like they’re nice people who love you, and the only issue is they’ve had more exciting news recently than you. For the sake of your husband’s relationship with a loving family I think you have to suck it up.

I also think you’ll probably have a nice time! zoom calls can be so artificial, it’s not like spending proper time together. And his family don’t love you because you have big exciting news to share - they love you for who you are as a person, and they will be just as excited to see you regardless of babies and promotions etc. I expect that once you’re there and all having a nice time together you’ll actually really enjoy yourself. It’s just hard to feel like things will be normal post-pandemic, but they will start to get back to the way they used to be in time. This sounds like a great first step towards that.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to - you're a fully grown adult so if you really don't want to go, don't go.

However, life isn't as simple as that and refusing to go to things involving family (especially in-laws) can create all kinds of hassles and drama. So in that sense, you might kinda have to go.

I wouldn't lie about what you've been up to. When asked what's going on for you, I would repeat what you've said in your OP - that the last year has been wonderfully calm, that you've enjoyed hunkering down and doing sod all with your DP, you've loved spending time at home, getting back into reading, cooking some nice food, bingeing Netflix.

These activities re in no way invalid or second-rate just because other people have been doing 'bigger' things.

Err, so the only reason why you don't want to go is that your in-laws have had good news and you don't want to celebrate it?
Is there some missing back story?
Look, good news comes and goes in our lives and thinking back there were probably events when you were celebrating and their lives were ticking over. Go and enjoy and congratulate them all. Otherwise you run the risk of people thinking you are a complete diva who has her nose out of joint because you aren't centre of attention.
Apologies for being blunt, but I can see why your DH was put out

Ok, now you've written it down and felt the feeling, get a grip. You can't cancel seeing perfectly lovely family because you're jealous. They don't care that you haven't got exciting news, they just want to see you both.

YABVU OP. If you want to tell them about the exciting things you have done, then do some before the weekend away.

@Teacupsandtoast

Ok, now you've written it down and felt the feeling, get a grip. You can't cancel seeing perfectly lovely family because you're jealous. They don't care that you haven't got exciting news, they just want to see you both.

The OP didn't say she was jealous.

She said she'd feel like shit because others had more 'exciting' news to share and that she CBA with all the baby talk.

Sounds like jealousy too me. I don't feel like shit when people discuss stuff I am not involved in. Bored maybe, but not feeling like a worse person.

I think this is a bigger problem, are you struggling at all with your mental health?

It sounds like some social insecurity is getting the better of you and developing into some anxiety.

Unfortunately the only way to tackle anxiety is to ‘walk through the fire’ so to speak and do the things that make you anxious, if you do, you eventually look back and say ‘that wasnt so bad’

I would ask DH to support you emotionally while you are there (more than usual) and hoick up your knickers and go

You may find that they are all jealous of your quiet zen life and are all stressed to the gills with new baby and new jobs…the grass is always greener…

Can’t your husband just tell them the truth? “Sorry mum/brother/sister etc, XXX is feeling a bit down at the minute and struggling with socialising in groups, she sends her love and would love to see you all when she’s feeling better, so I’ll be coming on my own.” I don’t see how anyone rational would have a problem with that.

But, it is a you problem. It does sound like you’re jealous. These people haven’t done anything wrong, and while it’s natural to sometimes feel resentful and jealous of others’ successes and happiness it’s not healthy to have it eat you up so much you refuse to see people you actually like. If they were a bunch of dickheads it would be a different story, but in this case I do think you need to get over it.

You may find that they are all jealous of your quiet zen life and are all stressed to the gills with new baby and new jobs…the grass is always greener…

I thought this too

I told a friend the other day that during lockdown I'd basically been reading and had gotten into card-making. Meanwhile she'd started a new very impressive job and had quite a big of exciting family stuff going on. She was envious as hell of my quiet life with zero drama

If you flip it round, can you see how this sounds? So your SIL (for example) saying "bored has such an exciting life with so much going on and we don't, I don't really want to hear her talking about her wonderful life"?

I cannot imagine not taking pleasure in the achievements of people I care about... but nor can I imagine thinking that the people I care about are bored by me for not having major life changes all the time. You don't need to lie, you don't need to be exciting, you don't have to join in all the baby talk all the time (a bit of the time you do!) - just be you...

You sound quite anxious about this OP, I think if you go you'll have a lovely time.

Yes I'm sure there will be chat about new jobs and new baby but once that's out of the way I reckon you'll relax and enjoy yourself.

I don't think this is really about the gathering, I think maybe the pandemic and not seeing anyone for ages is making you feel out of sorts with doing social things again.

I'd chat to your DP. I'm not surprised he feels miffed. But I think they'd more to this than you being bored or feeling boring in comparison.

YABVVVU. You can't ruin your DP's time with his family just because you feel you haven't done anything with the last year. Don't worry about it - most of us haven't. But super mean to not want to hear about their news. You might get bored but if you were pregnant/moving/got a promotion you'd want them to talk to you about it. It's a bit selfish and so unkind to your partner.

C'mon. You can do better. Play the game. You'll be okay. x

@Onceihadaname

Sounds like jealousy too me. I don't feel like shit when people discuss stuff I am not involved in. Bored maybe, but not feeling like a worse person.

It doesn't sound like jealousy at all. I suspect the people who throw accusations of jealousy around are the jealous ones.

I trust what OP says. OP says she has had a great time having a low-key, partner-focussed lockdown and that she's enjoyed. So have I to a large extent.

I also share OPs "fears". I have no great desire to meet up with old friends right now because I have so little to say. I could talk about the youtube channels I've been getting into (seriously boring for me let alone anyone else). I can talk about my favourite football team (many of my friends dislike football, and none give a shit about my team). I can talk about my hobbies (of little interest to my friends), or I could go off on a political rant or talk about how I have become GC over lockdown. I am far from sure any of my friends wanna hear any of this, and to be honest other than knowing they're OK I'm not sure I give a shit what my friends have to say on their topics of interest!

I have long thought that it is far to easy to get caught up in spending time with others, when all you really need for a happy life is four walls, a partner you love, some simple tasty fresh food and a couple of hobbies. I'm increasingly coming to the view that doing other things is a waste of time that could be spent on the important things in life.

To what extent lock-down will be a permanant change in me or others I don't know.

OP - you are not being evern 1% unreasonable. Good luck making a decision which is best for you (which, as you know, is about long term relationships, not just the weekend concerned)/

If I were you I'd be seeing if you could go for 24 hours and make a hobby related excuse as to why you can't do the whole weekend. If they love you like they say then surely they want you to be happy? If they can't comprehend that happiness might not be spending every possible second with them then that's not a great sign for their sanity or modesty!

Ahh very insightful comments - thanks to everyone!

I do think there is some jealousy - less of the specific life things but more in general at big positive changes happening. I've always been a bit prone to this but thought I'd grown out of it, although apparently not. I'm an only child so I'm not used to any ebbs and flows of attention with my own family, which my DH says is part of the problem!

I'm a super competitive person and really bad for comparing myself to others and this has just tipped me over the edge, I never want anyone to feel sorry for me or that they're doing so much better, but DH always says no one else is doing that. Maybe he's right....

@LordEmsworth

If you flip it round, can you see how this sounds? So your SIL (for example) saying "bored has such an exciting life with so much going on and we don't, I don't really want to hear her talking about her wonderful life"?

I cannot imagine not taking pleasure in the achievements of people I care about... but nor can I imagine thinking that the people I care about are bored by me for not having major life changes all the time. You don't need to lie, you don't need to be exciting, you don't have to join in all the baby talk all the time (a bit of the time you do!) - just be you...

OP has probably already taken pleasure in the achievements of people she cares about - she just doesn't want or need to hear it again or in greater detail!

You simply cannot comprehend that OP really does feel she has nothing to say. I can. I can imagine being in OPs position and being sorely tempted to say "look, I'm not joking, I have ZERO to say. I've had a wonderful time hanging out with DP and doing fuck all. That's it, I really have got nothing else, sue me!"

@JediGnot - I think a lot of what you say about topics of conversation is so true! I feel like beyond the big stuff (which I don't have any of) the other stuff actually becomes quite boring quite quickly. As you said, I don't particularly feel the need to discuss the books about American history I've been really enjoying recently which won't interest anyone, but also feel quite tired at the prospect of listening to BIL talk about cycling! I think the pandemic has really impacted on my small talk ability, I'm worried about going back to the office with regards to this too!

I can imagine being in OPs position and being sorely tempted to say "look, I'm not joking, I have ZERO to say. I've had a wonderful time hanging out with DP and doing fuck all. That's it, I really have got nothing else, sue me!"

I think that's actually what I'm going to say! It will go down in good humour I know, and will hopefully get it out of the way early!

Bring the American history and settle down in a deckchair. And tell the brother-in-law that you have zero interest in cycling - it's time he learned.

I’m sorry but your post makes you sound really selfish and weird.

“I know the chat is going to be entirely about the baby (I'm excited for BIL but I don't do baby chat, I think it's so boring) and the career changes etc., and I just cba.”

You can’t be arsed? Maybe if you didn’t like these people, but you’ve said that they are lovely and you get on well. Most normal people would be happy to celebrate and chat about new life achievements (jobs, babies, house moves etc). They are not the most interesting topics in the world, but you do it because you are happy for the person you care about. I’m sure DHs family would be chatty and interested in any new life developments you have.

I’m not surprised your DH was really upset at the suggestion that you should skip it. It’s quite shocking really.

Also I don’t think it makes any difference that you have no news to share. In six months time if you have something exciting to celebrate/chat to friends/family about, how would you feel if one of them thought “I can’t be arsed to go and hear about bored’s new job/dog/extension, because nothing has happened recently in my life. If I’ve got no topics to bring the attention back round to me, there’s no point going”?

You're worried you won't have much to say, so just ask lots of questions about what they've been up to! They'll enjoy talking about it I'm sure. If people ask what you've been doing be honest and say you've really enjoyed the downtime and got really into reading American history.

They want to see you because they enjoy your company and love you, not because they expect you to regale them with fantastical tales of all of the exciting things you've been up to.

And it's okay to find baby talk dull, but make the effort and ask a few questions. That's what we do when people are excited about something, even if it's not our cup of tea.

I think if you really like these people then you should be happy for them, not bitter because you don’t have any equivalent news.

I suspect if you go, you will enjoy it.

And, if you don't go, you'll want to go even less the next time.

The baby talk is unlikely to last all weekend, more likely just a bit on the first evening. And I'm sure you'll find something to talk about. Even if you've just been pottering at home over the last year you must have something to talk about - no home changes? garden improvements? grand decluttering stories? Netflix series you rate? This is not "unexciting" - it's 90% of what people talk about!

Why not talk about what you hope to achieve over the next year - something to aim for if you're competitive!