To not want to see his family?

[boredandboring]

AIBU to be desperate to get out of a weekend with DH's family? (Or - what can I do to cheer myself up about it?)

Hi everyone - just looking for some advice on whether I'm being crazy here or if other people are feeling the same way after the pandemic, it's hard to tell. We have a weekend away with my DH's family planned for August that has been planned since the start of the year. We missed a lot of family events last year due to the pandemic and he has quite a big immediate family who we usually see all-together 3-4 times a year, so decided to book a big weekend away in a big holiday house where we could catch-up and be together. I was so looking forward to it when we booked it, and now I couldn't be dreading it more.

I want to preface this by saying that I have always LOVED DH's family, and they love me. We all get on really well together - more like best mates than a sibling/in-law relationship. However - since the pandemic there have been a lot of changes in all of their lives and I'm now absolutely dreading meeting up. My BIL and his partner are expecting a baby and are buying a house, my SIL and her boyfriend have both had massive and exciting career changes, my other SIL has had a big birthday and is embarking on a new post-graduate course.

Judging by the zoom calls and family whatsapp group over the last few months, I know the chat is going to be entirely about the baby (I'm excited for BIL but I don't do baby chat, I think it's so boring) and the career changes etc., and I just cba.

It's also impossible not to feel like shit that everyone else has had big things happen to them over the last year, and we haven't done anything. I feel like I have literally nothing to contribute to the conversation anymore. When we visited DH's parents last months and they asked what was going on with us I literally just said "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

We've actually been really happy over the pandemic - I've loved being hunkered down with DH and our relationship is fantastic, so it's not like I'm unhappy in my life, I just feel like now things are returning to normal and we're looking at seeing people I know I have nothing to contribute to the conversation about what's going on with everyone. It's making me feel so anxious and down, I basically don't want to meet up with anyone until I feel like I can talk about something.

I even said to DH the other day that I thought we should try and get out of it by saying we've been contacted by track and trace or something. He found that really upsetting. I don't want to alienate him from his family but I honestly know that if we go I'll feel like shit the whole time and be miserable, so I don't know what the solution is. I don't think it's an option for him to go and not me - he would be really upset about that and the whole family would find it really weird, they're very much of the thought that once you're in the family you are family, so it would be strange for me not to go. I also don't want to permanently ruin my relationship with these people who up until now I've always loved, just because I feel insecure.

I guess I'm asking - do I have to go?? Would you just suck it up??? Shall I make up some extravagant lies to make my life more exciting?

And a gentle reminder to your DH that you are doing this because you love him and that he kinda 'owes' you wouldn't go amiss either. 😆

Glad to read this OP - you'll be fine....and enjoy a big fat cocktail. Good luck x

Op, relations with our in laws are broken really I'd love in laws like yours even if we had nothing to say, get dh to answer questions initially until natural chat takes over..

In the nicest possible way YABU. They want to see YOU and enjoy your company, they don’t care a fig what you’ve been doing (or not) I would recommend a few glasses of wine on the first night - that always helps break the ice. After that you’ll be grand

Kudos to being self reflective and honest.

You really do need to put your feelings aside and get on with it imo.

They sound like decent people.

OP - are you happy with your life the way it is?

I have to agree with you that I find baby chat uninteresting and if you don't have the remotest interest in ever having them it must be even more uninteresting. What about your job? Would you like to do a postgraduate degree? If you're feeling a bit angsty because others are doing these things would you like to have a similar opportunity? Turn your feelings of envy to something positive - a bit of competition can be healthy if it galvanises you to fulfil an ambition - but not if it's leading you to indulge in negative feeling.

As for character flaws, we all have those, and it takes strength of character to look at ourselves honestly and fess up to them. You are both introspective and insightful; those are good things to be.

On a related point I think a PP is onto something when they say a decreased desire to do our old activities or communicate with people face to face has probably been affected by these long lockdowns. Humans can get used to pretty much anything, and we've probably all got too used to being anti-social. I know for me going out and doing 'normal' felt like one hell of an effort for a while, unless a gave myself a massive kick up the bum.

Hope you manage to enjoy yourself after all

Ok so basically you realise you won’t be the centre of attention it will be all about them and not you at any stage and you’re jealous to the extent that you’d rather not go and don’t want to see them till you have got something that will make you the centre of attention.

I’ve got to be honest, that’s one of the most self centred things I’ve ever read. I think uou need to force yourself to go.

As someone who had never even met my daughter's dad's side of the family (she still hasn't met them) and made to feel inadequate, I would have been very happy if they had wanted to spend time with me.

You should appreciate they want you to be part of their lives, as it isn't always the case.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up for your other half with family.

I spent hours in lockdown listening to my MiL (who I actually love dearly) whitter on about how the war made people pull together, and young people today.. and what a funny thing Margie had said about her cat. On Sat dh will listen to my demented father tell him about how Leonardo di Vinci invented the bicycle for perhaps the thousandth time (he tell this story about 3 times per hour). We do this predominently because we are important to each other.

Yabu, sorry...totally get where you're coming from with having nothing to talk about because I have had similar experience to you in the panic but when I've met people it's totally fine. The thought of it is worse than actually doing it, you will still enjoy yourself. And don't worry about having nothing to talk about, when other people have lots to talk about they just want to do all all talking anyway lol.

Hi

I’m an introvert and I have LOVED lockdown, no stress from seeing other people (not that they’ve done anything wrong, I just find pretty much everything stressful). Having to venture out again hasn’t been great, it has magnified my stress and reluctance unfortunately. I also feel less tolerance, probably because the memory of no stress is too recent 😂. You mention you are possibly jealous, which is another form or self doubt, and you haven’t had to face it and now you’re looking at a whole weekend of feeling crappy, no wonder you’re not looking forward to it.

I have some advice if you want it! Firstly, have a glass of wine or similar if you drink, don’t go overboard but perhaps it will make you unclench a bit. Secondly, tell your DH that you’re feeling a bit anxious about the whole thing and if you get overwhelmed when you’re there you might make an excuse and disappear for half an hour (read a book, put headphones on, just relax). If you know that you have that bolt hole and that your DH will cover for you you might even enjoy yourself.

Good luck x

I have found that I am exhausted after socialising, even lunch for an hour.
Even seeing my parents after lockdown, I nearly fell asleep mid afternoon and we all went off to bed at 9. (And our socialising included watching lots of tv and movies)

We just have to build up our tolerance to it again.