To not want to see his family?

[boredandboring]

AIBU to be desperate to get out of a weekend with DH's family? (Or - what can I do to cheer myself up about it?)

Hi everyone - just looking for some advice on whether I'm being crazy here or if other people are feeling the same way after the pandemic, it's hard to tell. We have a weekend away with my DH's family planned for August that has been planned since the start of the year. We missed a lot of family events last year due to the pandemic and he has quite a big immediate family who we usually see all-together 3-4 times a year, so decided to book a big weekend away in a big holiday house where we could catch-up and be together. I was so looking forward to it when we booked it, and now I couldn't be dreading it more.

I want to preface this by saying that I have always LOVED DH's family, and they love me. We all get on really well together - more like best mates than a sibling/in-law relationship. However - since the pandemic there have been a lot of changes in all of their lives and I'm now absolutely dreading meeting up. My BIL and his partner are expecting a baby and are buying a house, my SIL and her boyfriend have both had massive and exciting career changes, my other SIL has had a big birthday and is embarking on a new post-graduate course.

Judging by the zoom calls and family whatsapp group over the last few months, I know the chat is going to be entirely about the baby (I'm excited for BIL but I don't do baby chat, I think it's so boring) and the career changes etc., and I just cba.

It's also impossible not to feel like shit that everyone else has had big things happen to them over the last year, and we haven't done anything. I feel like I have literally nothing to contribute to the conversation anymore. When we visited DH's parents last months and they asked what was going on with us I literally just said "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

We've actually been really happy over the pandemic - I've loved being hunkered down with DH and our relationship is fantastic, so it's not like I'm unhappy in my life, I just feel like now things are returning to normal and we're looking at seeing people I know I have nothing to contribute to the conversation about what's going on with everyone. It's making me feel so anxious and down, I basically don't want to meet up with anyone until I feel like I can talk about something.

I even said to DH the other day that I thought we should try and get out of it by saying we've been contacted by track and trace or something. He found that really upsetting. I don't want to alienate him from his family but I honestly know that if we go I'll feel like shit the whole time and be miserable, so I don't know what the solution is. I don't think it's an option for him to go and not me - he would be really upset about that and the whole family would find it really weird, they're very much of the thought that once you're in the family you are family, so it would be strange for me not to go. I also don't want to permanently ruin my relationship with these people who up until now I've always loved, just because I feel insecure.

I guess I'm asking - do I have to go?? Would you just suck it up??? Shall I make up some extravagant lies to make my life more exciting?

Frankly any talk about life updates is quickly done and dusted when people meet up in real life, and you can then move on to discussing politics (no!), the view, the weather, who is cooking dinner, whether the last series of Line of Duty was a let down, etc etc etc.

These people do not sound awful, and you don’t want to fall out with your dp, so one weekend is a small price to pay for everyone continuing to think you’re a good egg rather than a misery.

I find your rationale for not wanting to go very odd.
You say you like these people & they're kind to you & have always included you in their family events. Yet you literally can't be arsed to go because you'll have to listen to baby chat & a new job & now you've added bils cycling . Because you don't have anything to top trump them with?
You don't sound v nice to be honest & I bet your dps family would be interested & celebrate whenever you do have good news to share....

You can't be arsed to engage in conversation with people you actually like and get on with?

How hard is it to ask a few questions about how a pregnancy is going or a new job during the course of a weekend!

Surely they're not going to judge you if you haven't got any big news to report like you've just conquered Everest?

You've hit the nail on the head by saying you've lost your social-chit-chat skills and I think that's what's making you apprehensive. Whether the family bang on about their achievements or talk about everyday pandemic/lockdown stuff, you're not sure you will be able to contribute. They sound a super family of in laws and as long as you squeak or hmmm in all the right places they'll be delighted to see you. If you feel put on the spot by questions about your life, I'd come up with some useful phrases to bat them away - 'we've hunkered down at home and had an amazing time!' etc. Please support your husband in this by being upbeat about it as they do really sound very fond of you.

Why would the conversation burden be on you? Just sit there quietly listening with a cup of tea /wine. That's what I'll do when seeing all my In-laws. Up to my other half to make chat more than me.

I'd also take an early night and long lie in in morning if possible.

It's something we do for our other halves. I even read the daily Mail when there as it's their paper of choice and it passes an hour.

@boredandboring

Ahh very insightful comments - thanks to everyone!

I do think there is some jealousy - less of the specific life things but more in general at big positive changes happening. I've always been a bit prone to this but thought I'd grown out of it, although apparently not. I'm an only child so I'm not used to any ebbs and flows of attention with my own family, which my DH says is part of the problem!

I'm a super competitive person and really bad for comparing myself to others and this has just tipped me over the edge, I never want anyone to feel sorry for me or that they're doing so much better, but DH always says no one else is doing that. Maybe he's right....

Kudos to you for admitting to jealousy and taking the comments in a reflective way. It is very refreshing seeing someone do that and not doubling down with anger.

I get the out of practice with small talk bit. I say just go, play nice & joke about getting used to conversation again! Take a good book for some downtime so you are not constantly performing. Sure they will all understand

OP there is always someone doing better than you, having better luck, a better job, a bigger house, nicer holidays etc. That’s just life. What’s the point in comparing yourself to them and becoming resentful? That won’t make your life any better. Do you feel like you have to be the best all the time or have a need to outdo people? If so, it sounds like insecurity - if you enjoy your life as it is, that’s all that matters! If you feel like this frequently and it stops you doing things have you thought about counselling to explore why you have this discomfort in yourself?

I think you're assuming what you do isn't that interesting.
I'd say it's just as interesting as others. It's enough to add in a few topics over an entire weekend. No more will be expected from you. Don't know if you've read how to win friends and influence people but it's full of principles on social lubricants.

Plus you've got time before August.
Why not try some new recipes that you can share and talk about or if you garden you can discuss that.
That would give you plenty to discuss right there.

I really appreciate people reminding me I'll probably have a good time if I go, which I hopefully will if I just grit my teeth and get through the first bit, and also that it's unfair to jepordise good existing relationships because I feel weird. I have an unkind streak that I mostly keep buried but I think it's coming out here with my insecurity, and you're all right that it isn't fair on my lovely husband.

I'm genuinely so grateful to you all for giving my head a wobble - I'll try and spend the next few weeks before we go focussing on getting exciting, planning nice outfits etc. and getting into a better headspace for it. And if all else fails there's always cocktails!!!

I am meeting some friends for the first time in ages and I was thinking I've literally been doing nothing and will have nothing to talk about BUT I can still chat shit about what I’ve watched on Netflix or Harry and Megan or Covid. There are also a few AIBU threads I could chat about if I’m stuck for something to say 😄 . You’ll be fine.

I'm glad you decided to go.

I was just about to say that of course you dont have to do anything but as someone whose partner is reluctant to participate, It kinda sucks when he is not up for it. Especially if it's something that I was looking forward to. However, It is better to stay at home if you can't fake it. Also, no elaborate lies. Just say you are not up for it, but encourage your husband to go alone.

However, that is a moot point now. You dont have to worry about there not being news. As for babytalk. Participate for an hour and then go read a book. It will all be fine.

Being on the other side of this - with in laws who I previously really got on with..but now have settled very happily into the covid way of life and love not socialising ever again/ever asking after us/never making plans/not going out/pretending going above and beyond government covid rules is ‘normal’ ...it’s tiring. Some relationships don’t ever come back and maybe yours with them won’t?

Either way - you’re being unreasonable and let him see his family even if you want to be a bore and miss out

Ha! When the baby arrives, its parents are going to be envying you your freedom and relaxed life!
As someone else said, life ebbs and flows within family members' good, bad and indifferent fortunes. Sometimes you're the one with the promotion, the lovely holiday, sometimes they are. And sometimes you or they are the ones that need picking up after bad health or misfortune.

It's not even that you've had something terrible happen while they've had good stuff. So you really are overdoing the poor me thing.

But you do seem to be wise enough to reflect on this. So bearing in mind all the awful in-law stuff that gets posted here, be glad that your in-laws are such lovely people, that they love you, and they're excited to spend time with you. Share in their good news, and they'll be there to share your future good fortune, or heaven forbid, be there for you when you need them.

I get where you're coming from OP. But whenever I think something like that (not necessarily about visiting my in-laws, might be someone else) I realise it's not about them, it's me. Not in a bad way - it just gives me a bit of a kick of reevaluate how I'm feeling: am I bored, do I need a new project or focus, is my job getting me down etc?

On the other hand maybe you really do have nothing to talk about and actually maybe that's a really good thing, and maybe that's just what you needed at this point in time.

YABU. Yes you have to go, yes you have to suck it up.

You might find baby talk boring but I can bet your arse they’ll find a lot of what you talk about boring too, but you do it because they’re family and you show interest.

Stop being selfish and get over yourself.

You are utterly miserable and do not even care about it!

@IAmDaveTheSerialShagger I mean, clearly I do, or I wouldn't have posted looking for some perspective!

Very happy to receive constructive criticism (that's why I posted!) but this is just useless.

We're due to meet up for the first time in almost two years with friends, there are people with children and grandchildren, people with dogs and people who are petrol heads yet we enjoy each others company and will have a great time, hopefully. catching up with our lives.
Sadly we can't always be the centre of attention!

I actually think you sound absolutely decent OP - you’ve had a bit of a wobble, but you’re completely self-reflective and able to see your faults. That makes you nicer and more reasonable than 90% of OPs on MN

YWBVU not to go with your DH. You admitted to being jealous and I don't understand why you can't be happy for people who are having a baby, or have a new job, house etc.

It doesnt sound great that you cant be happy for loved ones that have good news...

When I get that feeling with my friends - that they’re lives are all taking off, while my stagnates - I remind myself that lives are like rollercoasters. But all on different tracks.

So sometimes your own life is wallowing in a dip while everyone else seems to be zooming up the ramps. And other times, you’re creasing the heights gloriously while they’re somewhere near the bottom.

It all evens out.

Be happy and delighted for them while they’re on their “up” ramps, and they’ll (hopefully) be the same for you.

It all evens out. Honest. Trust me - I’m old. I know all. 😆

Omg those typos. Like I said, I’m old!

Thanks @User52739, I appreciate that!

I think I knew I was being unreasonable but needed some people outside the situation to remind me! I did have this conversation with my own DM last night but I find whenever she criticises me I automatically assume she's wrong!

@Crankley / @FilthyforFirth - I don't disagree, as I said, it's a character flaw I've mostly got a grip of but has reared its head during the last few months.

Also I just want to say - I always do show interest and appear very happy and supportive. BIL + his partner have actually said DH and I have been the most supportive and excited about the baby news and we've done loads of gifts and helping out so far. I am still allowed private thoughts!

I know I have nothing to contribute to the conversation

The vast majority of people much prefer to talk about themselves. If you are prepared to listen and ask the odd question, you will be a very sought after conversation partner.

Have an answer ready for anyone who asks you what is going on in your life. A smile at your DH and a 'we have just loved having this time together' then ask them how they are.

For added entertainment, you can track just how long you can get each of them to talk about themselves. Just have a few questions up your sleeve anytime you feel they realise it's really their turn to ask you to talk and you will be away.

Enjoy and be glad when you can get back hone.