Ex partners new girlfriend

[Stepmumissues]

Name change for this as very very outing.

So not to drip feed, I split with my ex partner 12 years ago, we had 4 children together. We split when the youngest was 2. He was lazy, abusive and controlling, best decision I have ever made.
Ex never paid full CM as he could never afford it, apparently and would only ever see the children every 6 weeks for one night, this then went to every 3 months.
Since Dec 2019 he has only seen the youngest 2 for 4 hours, the eldest 2 washes their hands of him years ago.
Yesterday was his birthday and he had arranged to see the youngest 2 (twins) and take them out to a restaurant.
His new girlfriend was there, and made little digs throughout the meal to the twins about me, saving that your dad gives your mum maintenance money every month, and that I should not get any money as she didn't and I was a bitch for demanding the money, which is £200 less than he should be paying per month. That I took the family home off him, he was paid out back in 2011 and that I should be giving him half the equity from the house, which he left me in over 50k of debt that I did not know about.
New girlfriend then started calling me a c&nt and that when the twins grow up she will tell them the truth and that they should open their eyes and that I am evil. The twins then answered back saying that don't talk about my mum like that and left the restaurant asking for their dad to take them home.
Girlfriend follows the twins out and starts calling them names and threatens to punch their teeth in and call them rude little c£nts and ugly bitches. Telling them to grow up and flicks the bird at them.
Twins come home, where their dad has been crying in the car, saying that he will be homeless if he splits up with her and that they should not tell me anything about what happened. He is emotionally abusing the twins to get his own way.
I have no contact with him anymore as I received death threats off him and that I should watch my back, and he will be out to get me.
Do I contact him? Do I stop the very limited contact that he has with the twins who are old enough to arrange to see him.
Am I unreasonable to ban the girlfriend from seeing the twins.

[Speakuptomakeyourselfheard]

I think the question is, do the twins still want to see him after what he allowed his girlfriend to say to them? I'd have a conversation with them to see how they feel about the fact that he allowed her to say this stuff without checking her, and point out that him telling them not to say anything to you about what happened is totally out of order. I would also suggest that in future, if they do want to continue seeing him, that they arrange to meet somewhere that they can travel to, and get back from under their own steam, as if they go somewhere in a car with him, he could have arranged to meet this awful woman, and then they could be stuck.

[fantastaballs]

I think the priority here is to get your twins some form of counselling or therapy so that they can come to terms with their fuckwit of a father and his total lack of affection, regular contact etc and also to address their self esteem issues. I spent 18 from my teen years until my 30th birthday trying to understand why my dad didn't care about me . It vastly affected me and pushed me towards some very risky behaviours where I was abused by older men. I spent time having intensive therapy and I realised that my dad did care, just not like the vast majority of dads so. He was seriously flawed as a person. I learned how to increase my own feeling of self worth without it being dependent on him and it was life changing for me. If I had been able to get that sort of therapeutic engagement at 14-15 years old my life would be HUGELY different now ( in the best way).

In short, give your girl the tools now to build themselves up, so when he crawls back they are resilient enough to tell him where to go and it's not negatively affect their self worth.

[Stepmumissues]

@Lagomtransplant

Isn't it obvious? He's pulling the wool across your eyes about his girlfriend, pulling the wool across his girlfriend's eyes about you (not that it justifes her behaviour in any way, but she has likely been sold porkies) and then feeling all woe-is-me when the chicken come home to roost.

Your eldest two have, rightly, seen through him and it is time your twins follow suit. Forget about CM, it's not worth the anguish. If you push for it, he'll come under more pressure from his girlfriend regarding all the lies he spun and be all the more likely to behave like a dangerous wounded animal.

Time for you and your dc to put self care first.

He may have been pulling the wool over her eyes until about 2 years ago when he tried to come after half the equity in the house, when I was in a position to finally remove his name from the mortgage and he lies were laid bare. That he had a pay off and had not contributed to my house in over 10 years.
I think that it is jealousy to be honest, my now partner and I are moving into a bigger house and I have bettered myself by studying and I am in a finically better position than they are in.

[nimbuscloud]

Counselling for your twins is a good idea.

[Stepmumissues]

@fantastaballs

I think the priority here is to get your twins some form of counselling or therapy so that they can come to terms with their fuckwit of a father and his total lack of affection, regular contact etc and also to address their self esteem issues. I spent 18 from my teen years until my 30th birthday trying to understand why my dad didn't care about me . It vastly affected me and pushed me towards some very risky behaviours where I was abused by older men. I spent time having intensive therapy and I realised that my dad did care, just not like the vast majority of dads so. He was seriously flawed as a person. I learned how to increase my own feeling of self worth without it being dependent on him and it was life changing for me. If I had been able to get that sort of therapeutic engagement at 14-15 years old my life would be HUGELY different now ( in the best way).

In short, give your girl the tools now to build themselves up, so when he crawls back they are resilient enough to tell him where to go and it's not negatively affect their self worth.

I am so sorry that happened to you.
I have explored counselling for them this morning, as I want them to be in a position that they will be able to process their relationship with their Dad.
I only want to protect them so they don't get hurt by him even more.

[CookieClub]

I would literally be tearing her a new one for speaking to my kids like that!!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable for the nasty bitch to never see the kids again and also your ex needs telling to grow a pair, if he thinks it's acceptable that she speak to his children like that, then WOW.

Although...sounds to me like he's met a worse abuser. She sounds like the abusive one, the fact he cried is very telling...he is trapped.

She sounds like a piece of work.

It's never too late to build bridges. Personally I would be having a mature conversation with him about it, maybe invite him for a coffee? Explain that it is unreasonable for ANY adult to tell the kids to keep secrets - especially when it involves abuse or threats - and that he is totally wrong to expect them not to say anything when they would clearly be upset and need support/de-briefing.

[Bridezillamaybe]

Oh my god your poor children. I know the temptation would be to stop contact but I think they will get there themselves anyway and would be less traumatic for them.

However, pursue CMS through the courts and do not allow them ever to see that awful woman again. Imagine telling children their mother is evil and calling them ugly. She is a vile person.

Reassure them they did the right thing talking to you and there won't be any fallout from it. Explain to them that their father was wrong to tell them to keep quiet.

I'm really sorry this sounds awful but it's not forever. Well done you getting away from this man.

[Stepmumissues]

@DeathStare

Twins you say?

Yep, honestly 15 years ago I had the biggest shock of my life when I went for a scan.

[LittleOwl153]

Could your older 2 kids help support the twins? Perhaps one of them could accompany them the next time they visit him - if they bother. Whether they go I think has to be their choice.

I'd contact CMS though and get his full payment- why should the kids miss out on cash they could use. £200 for 4 years is a years worth of uni top up for the 2 of them..

[WhenPushComesToShove]

I would never encourage any child of mine to have contact with an abusive manipulator such as this. Allowing contact is tantamount to child abuse on your part. You know what you should do to protect your children, so do it

[LoopTheLoops]

It's never too late to build bridges. Personally I would be having a mature conversation with him about it, maybe invite him for a coffee? Explain that it is unreasonable for ANY adult to tell the kids to keep secrets - especially when it involves abuse or threats - and that he is totally wrong to expect them not to say anything when they would clearly be upset and need support/de-briefing.

You think the op should build bridges with someone who made death threads about her ?

[stackemhigh]

He may have been pulling the wool over her eyes until about 2 years ago when he tried to come after half the equity in the house, when I was in a position to finally remove his name from the mortgage and he lies were laid bare. That he had a pay off and had not contributed to my house in over 10 years.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about this? Have you been paying the mortgage for all these years with ex's name on it? What was the term of the mortgage, amd did you have to renew after a few years and did you do this with ex's name on the mortgage?

[Stepmumissues]

@WhenPushComesToShove

I would never encourage any child of mine to have contact with an abusive manipulator such as this. Allowing contact is tantamount to child abuse on your part. You know what you should do to protect your children, so do it

Thanks for your message until now, his and his partners behaviour has not impacted the children directly, his abuse is usually aimed at me.
Child abuse on my part, is laughable as I have done everything to protect the twins.

[Stepmumissues]

@stackemhigh

He may have been pulling the wool over her eyes until about 2 years ago when he tried to come after half the equity in the house, when I was in a position to finally remove his name from the mortgage and he lies were laid bare. That he had a pay off and had not contributed to my house in over 10 years.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about this? Have you been paying the mortgage for all these years with ex's name on it? What was the term of the mortgage, amd did you have to renew after a few years and did you do this with ex's name on the mortgage?

It went to court, and he lost and had to pay my legal fees.

[netstaller]

Cms for maintanence, supervised joint visits only without his abusive partner. No middle ground.

[User52739]

You very obviously need to report this to the police ffs.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

No one rides harder for a deadbeat dad than the new girlfriend/supply. God these women are so stupid.

Report to the police, get it logged.
CMS for maintenance
Stop all contact. The onus is on him to pursue through the courts but at 14 he wont get it.
Get them counselling - can be arranged through Women's Aid/Victims First via the police.

[quizqueen]

Why do women describe their Exs as lazy, controlling and abusive but go on to have 4 children with them. I just don't understand the mentality behind it!

[SticksAndStoned]

@quizqueen

Why do women describe their Exs as lazy, controlling and abusive but go on to have 4 children with them. I just don't understand the mentality behind it!

I described mine as a waste of space, and had two children with him.

He wasn't a waste of space when we got together. Somewhere between having children and me leaving him, his attitude (to work, to me, to parenting) changed. He got friendly with an utter twat, and got sucked into conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory, started ranting about 'the man' (as in 'working for the man') whatever that means and lost all respect for people (like me) that were working to keep food on the table.

So yeah, things change.

[LoopTheLoops]

To be fair, when I read the OP my thought process also involved bridges...

Why do you think the op should “build bridges” with a man that sent her death threats?

[StoneColdBitch]

@LoopTheLoops

To be fair, when I read the OP my thought process also involved bridges...

Why do you think the op should “build bridges” with a man that sent her death threats?

You may have misunderstood what I meant...