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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can't take to my stepdaughter

65 replies

pearlsandpetals · 13/06/2021 18:30

Hi everyone.
I have been with my partner for 5+ years and he has a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I get on well with her and treat her with kindness and respect but I find it so hard to warm to her even after 5 years. I probably sound like a horrible person but I do try my best by suggesting nice places to visit and engaging her in activities like baking and I am never mean or unkind. However, one of the things I find difficult is that she asks a lot of questions regarding our personal lives and finances which I feel are to feed back to her mother. Her mother has always been very nosy and keen to know what's going on in our lives and me and my partner both agree that we think she fills her daughter's head with questions to ask us when she visits. We believe this to be the case because a lot of the questions are things a 13 year old would not be interested in and are asked in a very particular way. I don't blame her for this if her mother is asking her to find out information but I don't like the slyness behind it. I also don't like that she shows my partner little respect as a father whilst her mother is clearly worshipped. She is ungrateful when he does nice things for her, never tells him she loves him (she does her mother all the time), never responds to calls or texts when she's at home (meanwhile is constantly on the phone to mum when she visits) and has even made up lies about him in the past such as he is emotionally abusive (he isn't, he's a doting father). She also has very poor hygiene (doesn't wash properly or flush toilet after her) and is lazy. There are more things but I'll leave it here as I think the main things have been mentioned. I do feel bad for not being able to take to my stepdaughter and perhaps I am a completely awful person for posting this but any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Sargass0 · 13/06/2021 18:33

You feel how you feel so not sure what's gonna change that. SD isn't going anywhere so you'll have to get used to feeling like this I suppose

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2021 18:33

If he's such a great dad, how come his dd has poor hygiene and bad manners? Why does he not step up?

Please, please, please dont marry this man or have a child with him. You are not an awful person not to like this girl but it is an excellent reason for you to stay on the periphery of her life, if you must be I it at all.

socalledfriend · 13/06/2021 18:34

When she asks you really personal things just say "Did your mum tell you to ask me that?"

Every Time. She will be embarrassed but should soon stop it.

It sounds like you do a lot of 1:1 stuff with her. Where is her dad when all this is going on?

Original poster

pearlsandpetals · 13/06/2021 18:35

@BarbarianMum regarding the hygiene issue, trust me my partner has tried so much but it is a constant battle.

OP posts:

InnaBun · 13/06/2021 18:35

Call it out every time she asks you an uncomfortable question. "That's an odd thing for you to ask about" etc. Don't answer the questions.

Lots of people I knoenare closer to their mums than their dads.

Original poster

pearlsandpetals · 13/06/2021 18:36

@socalledfriend thanks for your advice. My partner does join in, it's not just 1-1 all the time! He's very much involved as a parent.

OP posts:

InnaBun · 13/06/2021 18:37

And their dad is in charge of trying to sort their hygiene bit it does seem to be a thing for some children! He'll just have to keep trying if it bugs him. In a few years you won't be able to get into the bathroom as she gets ready for nights out.

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 18:37

Stop responding to personal/financial questions... that really is very inappropriate that she is asking..

You don't sound awful at all OP .. you sound caught up in a situation not of your making. 🌸

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 13/06/2021 18:38

I think start by deflecting the questions. Tell her these are not things she needs to be concerned with. Or that they aren't appropriate to discuss with children.
Remember that she is a conflicted little girl - you don't know what her mum is saying to her. It's hard to be the child of divorced parents, being pulled in both directions.
If you can reframe the situation in your mind, to understand that this may be hard for her then you might feel more warmly.
Also, you don't need to do so much with her. Let her dad do all the activities - it will help them to bond. He also needs to teach her about hygiene. Maybe step back a little?

Strikethrough · 13/06/2021 18:38

She's 13, i.e. a child. Her personal hygiene and laziness are the responsibility of her parents to sort out (though, as I'm sure you're aware, they're fairly typical teenage behaviour and she will probably grow out of them).

Either you don't blame her for the questions or you think she's sly, which is it? Because it can't really be both. Do you and her father have an agreed way of responding to the prying questions? "Sarah, our finances are none of your business. Please don't ask about that again. Would you like to watch a movie tonight or play board games?"

Mellonsprite · 13/06/2021 18:39

Personal hygiene is her fathers problem to sort out, although from experience it’s quiteunusual for a 13 year old girl to be like this?
Bat back any questions you suspect are emanating from her mother by saying ‘that’s private’ or similar.
Other than that, not really sure what you can do, she’s his daughter and here you stay.

ElderMillennial · 13/06/2021 18:40

It's not unusual to feel that way in my experience. She's not your child and if you spend a reasonable amount of time with her it's kind of unnatural (in that you are only spending time together because of your relationship with your partner) and its understandable you will notice the things that are annoying or negative.

If her mother doesn't enforce the hygiene then it can be difficult but she is old enough to flush the toilet so your partner needs to raise this with her.

3scape · 13/06/2021 18:42

She's been asking about finances for five years?

CandyLeBonBon · 13/06/2021 18:44

A lot of the behaviour you describe is typical of a child who spends more time and feels more comfortable with one parent compared to the other. My daughter struggles eith her dad because she is most familiar and comfortable at home, and his parenting style differs to mine which mattered less when they were little but is proving problematic as they get older.

The hygiene thing is not uncommon. My dd has to be reminded (12.5) to shower, wash hair, as did my two boys at the same age.

Do you have dc of your own, @pearlsandpetals?

All the points you mention are annoying teenage traits from my experience

ElderMillennial · 13/06/2021 18:46

And as for the questions about finances, don't tell her! Say it's grown up business or question why she is asking!

My SS used to do this and it was v obvious it was coming from his mother eg a child under ten asking "Dad, how much did you earn last year?"

Merryoldgoat · 13/06/2021 18:49

What’s with all of these teens with terrible hygiene? That just wouldn’t have been tolerated when I was young, but I also wouldn’t have wanted to be dirty. So strange.

RedHelenB · 13/06/2021 18:51

Maybe her mother is more open about finances etc rather than asking your sd to "snoop" and those questions don't seem unusual to her

CandyLeBonBon · 13/06/2021 18:51

@Merryoldgoat

What’s with all of these teens with terrible hygiene? That just wouldn’t have been tolerated when I was young, but I also wouldn’t have wanted to be dirty. So strange.

Asd, adhd and potential Tourette's in my case. For my eldest (now 19) and my dd. And sometimes me too, because deiresdion and exhaustion sometimes have that effect. But nice value judgement there! 👏🏻

CandyLeBonBon · 13/06/2021 18:51

Depression.

toocold54 · 13/06/2021 18:55

Stop responding to personal/financial questions... that really is very inappropriate that she is asking..

This.
Kids often ask inappropriate questions and you are allowed to say that’s inappropriate in a nice way.
My DD asks how much I get paid all of the time but I don’t tell her because she thinks £100 is loads of money so she’d think we were rich so I just say in a jokey way not enough or never you mind type thing.
Have some responses ready for when she asks these questions.

Sometimeswinning · 13/06/2021 18:58

Another one who thinks your dh needs to step up. You do seem to pile on all the issues you have with her. I will bet her indifference towards your dh is what annoys you the most. She was 7/8 when you met her, so all the recent stuff shouldn't contribute to you not 'warming to her' I think you're pretty mean to be honest (From what you've written).

Wishitsnows · 13/06/2021 19:00

Sounds like the issue is her dad isn't great and he's trying to blame any issues on her mum. Not sure you've got a great catch there.

ElderMillennial · 13/06/2021 19:03

Why is OP mean?

Because she doesn't think her SD is fantastic?

Grimacingfrog · 13/06/2021 19:16

Ignore the comments from people who are clearly projecting their own issues OP. I agree the hygiene issue is pretty common with teens and you can take turns reminding her but it is unlikely to make a massive amount of difference.

It sounds like her mum has some bitterness towards your DH and it's coming out via the daughter or at least she's talking about him disrespectfully. Did she not want the split, or have things not worked out as well for her? If you think that it's not her behaving like that but the mother influencing her, it might help you to manage your feelings a bit better as you'll see her as being caught in the middle.

It sounds like you're doing your absolute best OP and remember that teens can be difficult at times whatever the family situation but if you hang on in there they eventually become decent human beings. Carry on as you are but don't feel you have to try too hard to make things right.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/06/2021 19:19

I don't think there is a law that says one must love or even like their SC. You say you are kind to her, treat her respectfully, think up things to do, etc. If you're being fair, pasting a smile on your face, and being involved I think you're meeting your end of the bargain.

As far as her questions, are you and DH actually answering her? Why would you? I'd say a simple "It isn't polite to ask people about their finances/personal questions so I am not going to answer that question. Please don't ask us about things like that again" and keep repeating it. If her mum is putting her up to it she'll stop when she realizes it's a dead end. I don't think I'd say "Did your mum tell you to ask that?" simply because it may open a big can of worms with the ex and who needs that?

The hygiene does seem to be a 'thing' with pre-/early teens. I'd continue to let her dad lead on the 'hygiene at home' bit, but if we were going somewhere I'd certainly feel free to say "We aren't going until you've showered and changed" and then refused to go if she put up a fuss.

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