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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can't take to my stepdaughter

65 replies

pearlsandpetals · 13/06/2021 18:30

Hi everyone.
I have been with my partner for 5+ years and he has a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I get on well with her and treat her with kindness and respect but I find it so hard to warm to her even after 5 years. I probably sound like a horrible person but I do try my best by suggesting nice places to visit and engaging her in activities like baking and I am never mean or unkind. However, one of the things I find difficult is that she asks a lot of questions regarding our personal lives and finances which I feel are to feed back to her mother. Her mother has always been very nosy and keen to know what's going on in our lives and me and my partner both agree that we think she fills her daughter's head with questions to ask us when she visits. We believe this to be the case because a lot of the questions are things a 13 year old would not be interested in and are asked in a very particular way. I don't blame her for this if her mother is asking her to find out information but I don't like the slyness behind it. I also don't like that she shows my partner little respect as a father whilst her mother is clearly worshipped. She is ungrateful when he does nice things for her, never tells him she loves him (she does her mother all the time), never responds to calls or texts when she's at home (meanwhile is constantly on the phone to mum when she visits) and has even made up lies about him in the past such as he is emotionally abusive (he isn't, he's a doting father). She also has very poor hygiene (doesn't wash properly or flush toilet after her) and is lazy. There are more things but I'll leave it here as I think the main things have been mentioned. I do feel bad for not being able to take to my stepdaughter and perhaps I am a completely awful person for posting this but any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

OP posts:

saraclara · 13/06/2021 19:22

@Wishitsnows

Sounds like the issue is her dad isn't great and he's trying to blame any issues on her mum. Not sure you've got a great catch there.

Where do you get that from?

user1471462428 · 13/06/2021 19:49

Everytime she fails to flush the toilet her dad needs to call her back to do it. Although it’s not very grown up I’d tempted to tell wild lies when she asks about money. You are leaving all your money to a donkey sanctuary (my aunt once told me this when I was being a nosy ten year old). I believed her for years!

StillWaters77 · 13/06/2021 19:59

Hmmm...I still remember my DSS giving my address to his mum when his dad had brought him over to visit me. We only realised when a piece of mail came to my house addressed to him and I asked OH why he'd given my address for correspondence. He said he hadn't so that left one other option. It turned out exw had instructed DSS to find some post and send her my address. He was a child and was doing as his mum asked, I was fucking furious though. Made me hyper aware what I discussed or left lying around my home after that. Thankfully he's turned into a wise young man who thinks for himself and makes his own judgements.

Ickythefirebobby · 13/06/2021 20:11

Unfortunately she’s not going anywhere. I had a very difficult relationship with my step daughter. She was two when we got together and it was very difficult until she was in her twenties.

If you can’t get your head around it, it might be time to call it a day. Also she’s not your step daughter unless you’re married.

Ohhyeahright · 13/06/2021 20:23

Sounds like she hasn’t taken to you either. I wonder why.

BlueButtercups · 13/06/2021 20:47

@Ohhyeahright

Sounds like she hasn’t taken to you either. I wonder why.

Nice attempt at the Blame Game there...

do you share you all financials with your 13 year old?

cabingirl · 13/06/2021 20:54

Some children are just closer to one parent than the other - my DD is emotionally closer to me than DH. Also a 13-year-old girl is going through puberty and all sorts of new feelings and experiences - and will almost definitely feel more comfortable talking to her Mum about those things.

Calling her 'lazy' sounds very judgemental. Also you must have known her since she was 8 - I'm sure there have been many changes in her, and her relationship with you all over the years.

Maggiesfarm · 13/06/2021 21:00

You don't have to answer the girl's questions, you could just change the subject or say something like, "Goodness, you are inquisitive today". If she has no answers to take back to mum, she'll soon stop asking.

I would find poor personal hygiene in a thirteen year old girl very difficult to cope with. All you can do is tell her to bathe/shower every day, saying that 'that's what we do here'. She may change naturally quite soon though and develop her own sense of personal hygiene - I do hope so.

LakieLady · 13/06/2021 21:00

I had a long relationship with a man with a challenging teen daughter some years ago. What worked for me was being relentlessly nice and cheerful when she was around, including her in stuff and so on. I suppose it was a "fake it till you make it" kind of thing, but she eventually accepted me, we got on quite well and she was really disappointed when I split up with her DF.

With the questions about money etc, I'd just explain that such things are personal, it's impolite to ask and just stonewall her. I love the idea of making up ridiculous things for her to tell her mum, though I fear it could backfire if she finds you've made a fool of her.

Hankunamatata · 13/06/2021 21:20

You don't have to answer questions about finances.

Lots of 13 year olds have awful hygiene have to be nagged.

Cant remember the last time my 13 year old told me he loved me

I do insist of please and thank you

lazylump72 · 13/06/2021 21:23

Hi OP I had similar a long time ago,All I could do was in this instance is embrace her more. On the personal hygene front I made her a basket in her room at our house and it was full of lovely things for her to use as her mother supplied her with nothing not even deoderant, It ended up where she had a bag to take home and use daily and her box to keep to use at our house,I taught her as it was sadly lacking at home and we bacame quite close just by leadin gby example and taking the time,letting her choose her own things when we went shopping etc,It was non confrontational and nothing was said to address the issue until I took it in my own hands to help her. As for the endless questions just say I am so sorry my darling things like that are dealt with by me and daddy and you hae no need to worry about anything so we wont discuss these things. Patience and understanding of which you seem to have in abundance will help in the long run if you are consistant,

EmeraldShamrock · 13/06/2021 21:27

Her hygiene should sort itself soon, lots of preteens go through a soap dodging phase.
The questions may not be from her DM unfortunately we take on our parents traits.
If DM is nosy there is a high chance DD is nosy herself.
Another reason I find people ask a lot of questions when they feel they're not interesting as a person.
She sounds pleasant.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/06/2021 21:29

I made her a basket in her room at our house and it was full of lovely things for her to use as her mother supplied her with nothing not even deoderant,
What about her father?

partyatthepalace · 13/06/2021 21:30

You can’t warm to everyone. But a lot of the issues with this girl sound like they stem from her mother, and also father to a degree. There is some poor parenting.

At 13 she should be told, gently but firmly, that her questions are too personal. Don’t answer them, and pull her up every time. DO NOT (as a PP idiotically suggested) ask her if her Mum told her to ask X. You already know the answer to that, and this girl doesn’t need to be used more as a political football than she already is.

Hygiene can be hard with some teens and this may be partly her asserting this is her home. I wouldn’t die on this hill because she will get better, but I would try a bit of bribery. If she loves takeaway pizza on a Sat night, make that dependant on a shower and clean hair. Take her to buy a set of shower stuff if she only has odds and ends. Remind her quietly to flush the loo - every time. Ditto with please and thank yous. Keep saying in front of her when DP does something nice. When it’s his B’day etc, take her to get card and present, he should do the same for you. She is clearly learning appalling manners from her mother,

Also it sounds like you are having to do a bit too much - can you reduce it to one family thing with all 3 of you eg movie night, and one 1 on 1 eg baking, and DP do 2 1 on 1s eg swimming and lunch out.

I have step kids, it is not easy. I love mine but not everyone can - the main thing is to do a good job step parenting which you are. Do get your DP to step up a bit.

3LittleDucksQuack · 13/06/2021 21:36

My 8yr old step child asks questions that clearly from her mum.
Finances.
How long we've been together
How much was a recent renovation.

Does my eldest dad pay me maintenance!

Her mum is very unpleasant. And likes to nit pick.

I often say. That doesn't matter your a bit young for that. Other times I have said the answer but bent the truth.. To get her mum thinking as she hates not knowing about us. Opens up fake. SM accounts to spy etc.
Occasionally Dsd has slipped up and said
I. E. Mummy said How much was daddy's new car? So I doubled what we paid.
The next time she said mummy said how can daddy afford it if you don't work. Because daddy works really hard.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/06/2021 21:42

Don’t answer questions about money. We had this from DSS in particular when he was a bit younger. Constantly asked how much stuff in the house was and we always just said we couldn’t remember.

Hygiene her dad needs to be on top of, for her sake. No one wants to be bullied for being smelly or having dirty hair etc. Flushing the loo - every time she uses it her dad needs to check it, if you find she hasn’t flushed tell dad and he can do it or get her to. This is his problem to sort and he needs to keep on it. We had this for a bit too though much much younger than 13 and DH was on it like a hawk. He doesn’t want to find loo mess anymore than I do.

Remember you don’t have to love her, like her or devote your life to her. You only know each other because of your relationships with your partner/her dad. If you don’t want to bake with her you don’t have to. You have to treat her kindly and make her welcome in your home but she’s there to spend time with her dad so if she’s annoying you then leave them to quality dad daughter time and do something for yourself.

Are you pressuring yourself to behave in a way that doesn’t feel natural? There can be a lot of pressure to step mum in a particular way and you can free yourself of that and he happier if you take the pressure off.

caringcarer · 13/06/2021 21:51

When she asks about finances again, smile and simply say don't you worry your head about us sweety. Concentrate on enjoying time with your Dad. Tell DH to say the same.

billy1966 · 13/06/2021 21:52

OP,
She is there to spend time with her father so I would step back.

Answer nosey questions with aseveral stock answers,

why?
Why do you want to know?
But why do you want to know?
That is a very personal question, people don't usually answer nosey personal questions.
Are you asking that for your mum?

Hand over her hygiene to her father.

He needs to call her to flush every time.
He needs to correct her manners.

Be busy when she comes, give them space.

Think really hard and long before you commit to a child with him.

Sometimeswinning · 13/06/2021 21:59

^ElderMillennial
Why is OP mean?
Because she doesn't think her SD is fantastic^

No. Calm down.

Why would she have to think her SD was fantastic? She already thinks her DH is. He's not, he's struggling with his 13 year old dd (which is perfectly normal) But they both blame mum/ex.

Hence her dislike.

caringcarer · 13/06/2021 21:59

I would just leave her nice shower gel in her room and hair products. You could offer to give her an updo once she has washed her hair or offer to curl it for her. Possibly offer her a makeover with make up and hair do/pedicure once a month always after a shower.

toocold54 · 13/06/2021 22:00

If you’ve been together for 5 years how long has this been going on?
Is she just starting to turn into a typical teenager?

SuperCaliFragalistic · 13/06/2021 22:02

@Merryoldgoat

What’s with all of these teens with terrible hygiene? That just wouldn’t have been tolerated when I was young, but I also wouldn’t have wanted to be dirty. So strange.

I dont think the obsession with showering exhibited by some older teens is necessarily a healthy habit for younger children. 13 is about the age where she will naturally start to be more self conscious about smells and bodily functions soon so there's no need to get particularly worked up about it at this age.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/06/2021 22:24

@3LittleDucksQuack

My 8yr old step child asks questions that clearly from her mum. Finances. How long we've been together How much was a recent renovation.

Does my eldest dad pay me maintenance!

Her mum is very unpleasant. And likes to nit pick.

That's a pretty manipulative way to use a child

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2021 22:29

Is there a reason you haven't told her to shut her nosy mouth when she asks inappropriate questions? It sounds like her father is pretty useless.

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2021 22:31

@Aquamarine1029 perhaps because the OP isnt an utter bitch?

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