I can't take to my stepdaughter

[pearlsandpetals]

Hi everyone.
I have been with my partner for 5+ years and he has a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I get on well with her and treat her with kindness and respect but I find it so hard to warm to her even after 5 years. I probably sound like a horrible person but I do try my best by suggesting nice places to visit and engaging her in activities like baking and I am never mean or unkind. However, one of the things I find difficult is that she asks a lot of questions regarding our personal lives and finances which I feel are to feed back to her mother. Her mother has always been very nosy and keen to know what's going on in our lives and me and my partner both agree that we think she fills her daughter's head with questions to ask us when she visits. We believe this to be the case because a lot of the questions are things a 13 year old would not be interested in and are asked in a very particular way. I don't blame her for this if her mother is asking her to find out information but I don't like the slyness behind it. I also don't like that she shows my partner little respect as a father whilst her mother is clearly worshipped. She is ungrateful when he does nice things for her, never tells him she loves him (she does her mother all the time), never responds to calls or texts when she's at home (meanwhile is constantly on the phone to mum when she visits) and has even made up lies about him in the past such as he is emotionally abusive (he isn't, he's a doting father). She also has very poor hygiene (doesn't wash properly or flush toilet after her) and is lazy. There are more things but I'll leave it here as I think the main things have been mentioned. I do feel bad for not being able to take to my stepdaughter and perhaps I am a completely awful person for posting this but any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

@Aquamarine1029

Is there a reason you haven't told her to shut her nosy mouth when she asks inappropriate questions? It sounds like her father is pretty useless.

It's the mum who is trying to use her kid as a spy.

perhaps because the OP isnt an utter bitch?

Telling a child to mind their manners and to stop asking inappropriate questions is not being a bitch. It's called parenting.

@caringcarer

I would just leave her nice shower gel in her room and hair products. You could offer to give her an updo once she has washed her hair or offer to curl it for her. Possibly offer her a makeover with make up and hair do/pedicure once a month always after a shower.

Her dad can do these things.

Telling a child to mind their manners and to stop asking inappropriate questions is not being a bitch. It's called parenting.

I just read your comment. You most certainly did not say that.

Telling a child to "shut her nosey mouth" is a bitchy thing to say. Doubly so when that child is being used as a pawn by her mum. God help any children who you deal with if you think that's an ok way to speak to them.

I don't want to be typical Mumsnet, but do you think she might be Autistic? Sometimes the questions that can be asked are very direct and adult like with Autistic children , plus could explain the lack of hygiene, if she finds washing or towels or something to do with it uncomfortable ? Girls often aren't diagnosed until later on as they mask it better?

@CandyLeBonBon

It is a judgement - I have two children with ASD and they are bathed/expected to bathe or shower every night.

Missing the odd bath or shower is no big deal but getting the the point where ‘bad hygiene’ is the norm just isn’t acceptable.

I'd just answer with something generic to financial questions. If my DC asked Id say we earn enough for our needs. But saying "that's personal" or "that's not an appropriate question," and deflect would be fine. One of my DC ask questions about things like how much was your house/car, completely inappropriate and embarassing when he does this. He's Autistic and obsessed with numbers. I tell him that's not an appropriate question to ask. You can do it kindly, put in place a firm boundary, repeat the same answer, don't react and don't engage. Make it boring for her to ask.

The hygiene issues, maybe her DM struggles with those too. The closer to her DM might reflect them being more similar in personality or more time spent with her DM or what went on when her parents relationship broke down. All our DS are closer to me. I spend more time with them and I'm also more demonstrative in terms of showing how much I love them. I've spent years building back their relationship with their DF after he damaged it. I want them to have a good relationship with them. I'm sure if we divorce he'll blame me for these things, but the reason my relationship with our DS is stronger is because of the way he's behaved with them, not anything I've done.

You’re brave. Mums net is notorious for being hard on step mums.

[quote Merryoldgoat]@CandyLeBonBon

It is a judgement - I have two children with ASD and they are bathed/expected to bathe or shower every night.

Missing the odd bath or shower is no big deal but getting the the point where ‘bad hygiene’ is the norm just isn’t acceptable.[/quote]
So you have 2 Autistic DC and think that allows you to judge other parents with Autistic DC. The saying springs to mind, "if you know one Autistic person, you know ONE Autistic person." You have no idea what other Autistic children might struggle with or what their parents have been through. We don't have hygiene issues.
I wouldn't sit in judgement on someone because their teen, Autistic or NT refuses to shower. Sensory issues, PDA, ODD can make it impossible to get a child to carry out certain tasks and you can't physically force a teen. I wouldn't chose physical force, but moot point as it's now impossible with my taller than average 6 & 8 year olds.

I don't think there is a law that says one must love or even like their SC.

@AcrossthePond55, c'mon. You've been here long enough to know that there is an MN rule that step mothers are wicked witches if they don't lay down their lives for their SDCs!

Nobody's come out with the classic 'you got together with a man who has children, of course they come first' yet, in fact people have been remarkably sympathetic to the OP. It may not last, sadly.

Agree with others OP - just shut her down nicely, and don't tell her anything. At the moment she's her mother's puppet, but she'll grow up and learn to think for herself (I hope).

@Feedingthebirds1

You're right, I should know better. I shall sit on the naughty step for 5 minutes for my breach of MN rule 2033534.34302 subsection 2, bullet point 5.

TBH, this is a perfect example of why I decided early on never to marry a man with children. Being a step-parent is a tough enough row to hoe without the eleventy-billion opinions on what a SP should or should not do.

I'd give up on the going to nice places and baking. I can't imagine many teenagers wanting to give up their free time to do things with parents anyway.

Don't feel guilty about not taking to her, you can't take to everyone and were it not for her dad, you'd probably have never even met her.

The personal hygiene issue does need to be addressed. Other than that just let her do her own thing.

I think people are very brave to get involved with someone who has kids.

Her Dad needs to step up and parent regarding any hygiene issues.
As for the finance questions, perhaps your sd has noticed her mum is struggling moneywise - child support via CMS is the bare legal minimum and doesn't go anywhere near covering half the cost of actually raising a child. Could she have noticed the difference between her life in the two households and feel it's unfair?

I don’t think that you are being unreasonable but I do think it’s complicated.

The hygiene stuff, tackle as a team - yes provide toiletries but also point out house rules to flush the toilet.

Some of the other stuff may boil down to how she feels about her parents being separated. It’s not uncommon for children to feel angry with the dad. I don’t know what happened with DD’s mum and DH but she’s probably unhappy with the outcome. Teens don’t process that healthily and her rudeness to her dad might be her trying to push him away to make him prove his love for her.

And yes the mum could be asking her to snoop or she might be seeing her mum financially struggling and asking questions about it. You have two choices, either sit her down and ask why she wants to know. You can explain it comes up a lot and as it’s not really appropriate for her to ask, then you just wanted to check if there’s anything she’s worried about? Or you can just shut it down and say “that’s for me to know etc”.

It’s not unreasonable not to take to your step daughter but she is a child and you are a significant adult in her life so you need to make an effort. Lots of teenagers are hard work though so you aren’t the wicked witch.