I know DD is in the wrong, but should children have to put up with this?

[ObviousNameChage]

DD got in trouble at school. I have no issues with the consequences she got and we had a very stern chat at home. For background she's never in trouble and described as a shy,quiet ,polite child so this is not the norm for her.


What happened was that some of her classmates were laughing and making comment that their teacher smells really bad, has sweat stains,you get the gist. DD said "I know , it makes me feel sick". Teacher overheard this and obviously all of the girls are in trouble, got a bollocking from her and also the head . They have to write apology letters and will miss play next week. We also had a talk at home about making comments,hurting people's feelings ,what's acceptable and what isn't etc.

The issue is, the teacher does actually smell quite bad, especially now in the heat, so many bodies in a sunny classroom etc. It is slightly noticeable at pick up and I'm not even that close. DD really doesn't like it and the smell (smells do in general she even recoils from me and her dad if we're smelly) does bother her. I do believe she made an honest statement , but still hurtful and as such she needs to deal with the consequences.She can't avoid it as there's group work,reading ,having chats, teacher coming over for help and so on.

It's such an awkward and difficult situation and the poor teacher must be mortified. However, at some level I also feel for the kids that have to put up with is for several hours a day and have no choice or option to "escape" from it.

If I say anything to the school I'll sound like a dick myself, the teacher will probably feel even worse and I don't think anyone can really do anything about it. At the same time I don't think it's ok for the children to just shut up and put up with it.

[PomegranateQueen]

Whether the teacher smells or not is irrelevant

It is relevant, given the children have to sit in a room with her for hours at a time to the point of feeling sick. How else are 9 year olds supposed to process this situation given most adults would probably talk about a smelly colleague behind thier back rather than tell them how it is.

[Theunamedcat]

I've had to be that child the one chosen to have a word with a teacher and tell him that he smelt of garlic....badly he ate raw cloves of it every single night and the stench was appalling he thought a good wash was good enough it sincerely was not, for the rest of my school year he ate it Fridays and Saturdays only and the world smelt sweeter my issue is NONE of the adults were prepared to discuss this with him he had been a teacher for 20+ years and I was the first person to say I'm sorry sir I like garlic but by the afternoon your classroom is antisocial which is why we were scrambling for the window seats this wasn't new behaviour he had been like it for years he was discussed behind his back for years it was outright nasty behaviour towards an excellent teacher and if its that noticeable you can bet other adults have noticed and chose not to deal with it

Not excusing what your child did its quite right they should apologise and learn tact from this but the school will be aware and should deal with it appropriately

[Livelovebehappy]

I think that particular ship has sailed, where you could raise the issue with the Head. It would now come across that you are defending what your child did, and be interpreted as some petty tit for tat complaint. It’s not pleasant to be in close proximity to someone who has a hygiene problem, but I guess on the plus side, there is only a month left before the school hols, and your dd will presumably then be in a different class with a different teacher in the Autumn term.

[KatherineOfGaunt]

I have been the person with terrible BO and had to be spoken to by a manager (retail). As a result, I am now hyper-sensitive about it and know how to keep myself smelling fresh over the day. I would be mortified if the children and other staff in my class had to endure it. I would hope that someone would tell me.

OP, I think an email to the head (NOT anonymous - I doubt the head would tell the teacher who had emailed and it just looks cowardly) would be the best thing. Yes, it hurts to be told, but it's so much better to know that people aren't talking about you about it behind your back.

As for your DD, she's old enough to learn now how to react in an appropriate way when there's an issue. Recoiling from people isn't going to help her in the long run.

[TatianaBis]

I don’t think they were being rude they were just stating a fact - their teacher smells. Not realising the teacher was nearby.

Are they supposed to never mention it even to each other. How would the problem ever get solved?

Generally there is a discussion about the smelly person in the office before said smelly person is tactfully tackled on the subject.

[Kokeshi123]

I feel like if I was required to be in the company of a smelly person day after day, I might well comment on it with my friends. Was she "nasty"? Most of us would say something among ourselves if a colleague stank.

[Nohomemadecandles]

You were OK with shut up & put up before she got in trouble!

It's not for kids to be hinting about deodorant to teachers. Get real. One of the staff should have had the guts to say something to her.

[TatianaBis]

@PomegranateQueen

Whether the teacher smells or not is irrelevant

It is relevant, given the children have to sit in a room with her for hours at a time to the point of feeling sick. How else are 9 year olds supposed to process this situation given most adults would probably talk about a smelly colleague behind thier back rather than tell them how it is.

Quite.

[Branleuse]

Id just let the school deal with it. I dont think you need to do anything further, except remind dd that its unfortunate if you have to be close to someone that you think smells bad, but youll pretty much always get in trouble if you are about it

[ObviousNameChage]

@Nohomemadecandles

You were OK with shut up & put up before she got in trouble!

It's not for kids to be hinting about deodorant to teachers. Get real. One of the staff should have had the guts to say something to her.

I did admit I fucked up. Now this happened of course I'm reevaluating my decision and mentality.


As for the suggesting deodorant, a PP asked me what I would do. I never said that it would be a good idea for DD to do it.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

There is nothing to do here. The teacher has been told by the children.
Making personal comments is really unacceptable at any age whether that at true or not. The children need to learn some respect and manners.

[scaredsadandstuck]

I feel like your DD is getting a hard time here.
As I understand it, she was having what she thought was a 'private' conversation at playtime with friends, unaware she was in earshot of any teachers about a genuine problem impacting her and her classmates. Her classmates truthfully say the teacher smells bad and DD says she agrees and truthfully says it makes her feel sick. She wasn't sniggering in class knowingly in earshot of the teacher concerned making bitchy comments or writing unkind notes or pulling faces behind her back or anything like that.

Of course kids should be taught to be careful of other's feelings and not be deliberately cruel, but to use words like bullying about this is ridiculous. A group of 9 year old girls speaking the truth about an adult between themselves isn't bullying. I wonder what lesson they will take from this?

That said in your position I would also be supporting the punishment given by school, but also emailing the head to say your daughter and her friends were speaking the truth. You understand it's hurtful that the teacher overheard them and your daughter is sorry for that, but you hope the head will also be raising the hygiene issue with the teacher as it must be unpleasant for the kids to deal with that for 6 hours a day.

[Kokeshi123]

They didn't make a personal comment to the teacher, though. They were talking among themselves. Are you seriously saying that if you had a coworker who smelt really bad, you would never ever say anything about this to another mutual coworker?

[BungleandGeorge]

I had a teacher with a year round perspiration problem, it was very unpleasant. I would let your daughter write the letter of apology for hurting the feelings of the teacher but I’d also speak to the head. It’s totally unacceptable for the classroom to smell every day and there are prescription treatments. Sweat also only smells when it gets stale, so suggests hygiene could be upped even if that means staff member has to wash/ change at lunchtime. If I was working with someone a bit stinky I’d move/ open the window or at the worst has a word with my manager. None of the options are open to a 9 year old so it’s a bit of an unfair comparison, we shouldn’t expect them to just put up with it as it’s really quite unpleasant

[SueSaid]

We had the odd whiffy teacher if they ever stood directly next to you it may be noticeable but not to the extent the whole class was traumatised and nauseated.

Your dd was caught out mocking someone, it is reassuring that the school have acted swiftly. Hopefully she'll think twice before joining in with crap behaviour like this in the future.

[Kokeshi123]

(that was to the PP "yikesanotherbooboo")

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

@cupsofcoffee

Why haven't you taught her it's unacceptable to 'recoil' from you when you smell?

Is it? Why?

[3WildOnes]

Sometimes you can’t help smelling. I don’t have this problem anymore as have luckily grown out of it but when I was younger I did have really stinky BO I had to wash numerous times a day and use a special deodorant that I was prescribed from the doctor that stopped me sweating completely but it really sting and left me very itchy.

If you were going to raise it it should have been before your daughter got in trouble for being unkind not after.
Some people are overweight it doesn’t make it OK to make personal comments about that no matter how true it is and it is the same for this.

[3WildOnes]

And it is not true that sweat only smells once stale. Despite scrubbing my arm pits numerous times a day and using deodorant I would still smell. Prescription deodorant was the only thing that helped but as I said it did have unpleasant side effects.

[BertramLacey]

Why haven't you taught her it's unacceptable to 'recoil' from you when you smell?

Recoiling is an instinctive reaction in some situations. If someone smelling that badly was near me I'd show some reaction. I don't think it's a good idea to teach children to dampen down reactions which might be useful to them. Smells are invasive. Essentially you'd just be teaching her to put up with something invading her personal space without reacting to it. That's not healthy. Of course she needs to be sensitive to the needs of others but not to the detriment of her own needs.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@cupsofcoffee

Why haven't you taught her it's unacceptable to 'recoil' from you when you smell?

you prefer she made her daughter sit closely feeling sick and unable to do anything about it?

[Kokeshi123]

Thing is, most people-if they had overheard people saying that they smell-would be completely mortified and would do and say nothing other than rushing off to get a bunch of deodorant and upping their hygiene procedures.

They most certainly would not go running to their manager and announcing the fact that "a bunch of people say that I have BO." I mean, I literally cannot imagine anything more embarassing that going to your boss and telling them that people were saying this about me.

The fact that the teacher apparently reported what happened to other people at the school suggests to me that the teacher is "nose blind" and genuinely does not believe that she has a BO issue, and instead interpreted the children's remarks as being a sort of generalized insult---ie. she believes that the kids were saying that she "smells" just as a generally horrid thing to say. The fact that the school has decided to discipline the kids suggests that they lack the guts to say anything to the teacher about this.

[BadNomad]

Your daughter is in for a shock when her and her nasty mates hit puberty.

[ObviousNameChage]

@BertramLacey

Why haven't you taught her it's unacceptable to 'recoil' from you when you smell?

Recoiling is an instinctive reaction in some situations. If someone smelling that badly was near me I'd show some reaction. I don't think it's a good idea to teach children to dampen down reactions which might be useful to them. Smells are invasive. Essentially you'd just be teaching her to put up with something invading her personal space without reacting to it. That's not healthy. Of course she needs to be sensitive to the needs of others but not to the detriment of her own needs.

This . Plus I consider us and the home her safe space where she can express herself/her feelings and confidently say no /react to things that are unpleasant or make her uncomfortable.

[TatianaBis]

Your dd was caught out mocking someone

No, she simply stated a fact. The teacher smells: she said it ‘made her feel sick’.

There’s a lot of huffing and puffing based on personal insecurities rather than dealing with the facts at hand.

If people work with someone who is so smelly as to be unpleasant, it is a problem. They will discuss it. That is not unkind, it is not mocking, it is not bullying. The issue needs to be addressed at some point.

The best thing to do is to pay attention to personal hygiene and ensure that person is not you.