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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

13th birthday day out and money

63 replies

CauliflowerBalti · 13/06/2021 14:19

My son was invited to a 13th birthday party at an expensive theme park yesterday. The birthday boy’s parents paid his entrance - which was very generous.

I didn’t expect them to pay for food so loaded money on his GoHenry card for food and drinks. None of the other parents did this though - including the birthday boy’s. They were in the park on their own all day, and my son had to pay for everything, for everyone. Three lunches, all drinks - they were even taking money from him for the fairground type games. Which all accept card now. Who knew? I say he ‘had’ to - of course he didn’t. But he said it wasn’t fair to get himself food and drinks if they couldn’t. I’m annoyed he let them hassle him into paying for their games though.

One of the kids was being dropped off at the end of the day at a pub where his mum was. My son messaged to say they were going there - I assumed for tea. But no. The boy’s father stayed at the pub for a couple of pints, and dropped my son home at 10.55pm, having had no dinner and no money left to buy his own because he’d bought everything for everyone else. I asked why on earth he didn’t message me when he was hungry - I’m 5 minutes away, I can collect him - but he said that the dad kept saying they were going in a minute. They got there at just before 8pm. That’s ages to wait to come home.

I am absolutely flabbergasted by it. I don’t feel great about 12 and 13-year olds left to fend for themselves all day somewhere so busy, none of them had enough to drink on such a hot day because they didn’t have enough money (though my son did wisely buy a water bottle in a shop so he could refill it in the toilets - which is fairly canny I guess but cost him £7.50…). That’s my first AIBU - is it ok for kids that age to be somewhere that is safely fenced off, on their own? Am I being overly protective?

Second - AIBU to think you either bring kids home in reasonable time for food, or feed them? I wish I’d messaged to clarify what was happening when my son said they were going to the pub - but it’s a food pub. One of those where if people say they’re going there - it’s for food. It’s not a drinkers pub. Didn’t enter my head the kids wouldn’t be fed. Again - I don’t expect them to pay for him. I do expect them to be aware that kids need feeding, though.

It may be material info that only the dad went. Mum had no involvement that I know of.

OP posts:

LadyCatStark · 13/06/2021 14:24

I think it’s fine for them to go off on their own, but absolutely not fine for them to not have any money or food and drinks or to have to sit on the pub for hours.

Soupforoneplease · 13/06/2021 14:26

Did the other parents send them off with a packed lunch which the other kids then decided was not as good as the theme park food?
Pub bit is wrong but then as a 14 year old I was regularly skipping meals anyway.

InFiveMins · 13/06/2021 14:31

I'd be annoyed by this too OP. In fact I'd be livid. Next time I would put just enough for him on his card and tell him he needs to ring or text you if he needs more money so you can decide if it's appropriate. They've totally taken the piss and will probably try to do it again next time they are out with him.

Northofsomewhere · 13/06/2021 14:31

I think on the first point of being unsupervised at 12/13 in a theme park YABU. My end of year trip in secondary school was either Flamingo Land or Lightwater Valley, although there were teachers there (and plenty of other schools) we were left to our own devices and just told what time to be back at the coach. They were very hands off and some would be 11. The other kids should definitely have had some money or brought in food and drink though.

I don't think you were unreasonable to expect the child to be asked about what they were doing for tea though or if they'd eaten already. However at 12/13 I'd also expect any child to mention it themselves or make their own arrangements such as buying their own or going home. It was partly his fault that he'd wasted a lot of his money on games etc, he could've easily bought a pop in a bottle for less than £7:50 a refilled that.

I think it's probably a lesson learned for him that he can't be responsible for others and to say no sometimes, even to friends as well as making your own arrangements sometimes.

blubberyboo · 13/06/2021 14:33

They should all have had access to money for drinks at least.
You should send a message to each parent explaining that your son used his own money and could they each send him some money to cover the cost of their drinks , the water bottles and the games as it is his “ pocket money”

Mintjulia · 13/06/2021 14:35

Was the dad drinking for three hours and then drove the dcs home? If so, that would be the last time my child went anywhere with them.
I would tell my dc to text me discreetly in future and I'd go and collect him. Sounds like a thoughtless man thing to me.

Melitza · 13/06/2021 14:36

Lesson learned.
In future just enough money for your ds to get his own food and drinks.
Even if he ends up sharing.

What parent does this?
I'd never expect my dc to go for a day without food or drink.

Mammyloveswine · 13/06/2021 14:40

@Mintjulia

Was the dad drinking for three hours and then drove the dcs home? If so, that would be the last time my child went anywhere with them. I would tell my dc to text me discreetly in future and I'd go and collect him. Sounds like a thoughtless man thing to me.

This!!

UserAtRandom · 13/06/2021 14:42

It sounds like there wasn't any communication about who was paying for food and drink. Or whether they were expected to take their own. So lesson learned. And I agree with PP - it seems very odd that even the birthday boy's parents didn't provide him with food/drink so possibly sounds like a case of they had packed lunches but chose not to eat them.

Whyhello · 13/06/2021 14:43

Crikey, this really takes the piss. If your DS didn’t have his card, what on Earth would they all have done? In hot weather like this, they easily could have passed out without food or drink for hours. Poor kids, piss poor parenting from the birthday boy’s parent.

Igmum · 13/06/2021 14:47

That's ridiculous OP and your son is lovely. I took DD and a friend to a theme park for her birthday a couple of years ago but they were definitely fed and watered. It's part of the day out surely

Sparkletastic · 13/06/2021 14:51

Get involved - message the other parents and get the money back. The pub thing is weird - I would have just gone and collected my child.

accentdusoleil · 13/06/2021 14:51

Your son sounds like a lovely caring lad

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 13/06/2021 14:52

What have the parents all said? I assume you've sent out a message saying exactly what you have said here.

And what did the parents have to say about not getting the kids any dinner, keeping them until 11pm and driving them home after drinking?

You must have said something to all of them. I cant believe you havent.

AutistGoth · 13/06/2021 14:53

YANBU at all. Growing teenagers are well known for needing to be fed regularly. Even someone as utterly clueless as me understands this!

To be honest, the thing that really doesn't sit right with me is the father in charge of a group of young teenagers drinking several pints. Then, presumably driving them all home. Your poor DS. Being left hungry, having to use his pocket money to provide provisions for everyone and being in the care of someone who had had at least two pints of beer before driving.

Can you ask around the other parents if the boys, or even the birthday boy's mum, and explain the situation? I'm sure that they would feel just as unhappy about the situation as you. And some parents might feel mortified about their DSes "sponging*" off yours.

*I say that as lightly as I can. I don't like to call young, penniless teens with no other option to pay for expensive provisions and fares as spongers, but I can understand why you and your DS would feel hard done by in this situation.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 13/06/2021 14:56

Seriously OP. Message the birthday boy's mum with everything you've said here, and then ask her how she would like to repay the money for the other children's food and drink, because if they didnt tell all the parents to send money or pack a lunch, then her husband should have provided it.
And mention the lack of dinner and the drink driving.

traumatisednoodle · 13/06/2021 14:58

Something doesn't quite ring true here. One child without any money/food or drink I can believe but not all of them. Is your son generally quite trusting or naive ? Could it be that they did have money but didn't want to spend it ? Or as others have said packed lunches which weren't touched. Yes at 13 I'd let them go round a theme park alone.

AnneElliott · 13/06/2021 14:59

That's awful - I blame the other parents though. Who sends their kids off on a day out with no cash to pay for drinks or a lunch? I'd be messaging them and asking for repayment.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 13/06/2021 15:01

@traumatisednoodle

Honestly, it sounds as though the other parents all expected food to he provided. The OP doesnt mention being told to send money or a pack lunch, she just did it incase. So the parents of the birthday child didnt say anything to anyone, and they were hosting. All parents assumed food would be included. And since only the dad went, it sounds like he just didnt think about sorting out money for them or food for them. I'm betting that if birthday mum finds out, she'll be embarrassed and angry with her husband. This is thoughtless, useless man syndrome.

Divineswirls · 13/06/2021 15:02

I would contact the Birthday boys DM explain the situation and ask for the other DC parents details so you can explain to them that your DS had to pay for all of them as you thought they ought to know.

Hopefully they will all offer to chip in. I wouldn't ask them to contribute but I would very much expect them to offer and I would graciously accept.

Original poster

CauliflowerBalti · 13/06/2021 15:03

I haven’t sent a message out because I’m weak and feeble… ;-) I am going to find out about the packed lunch scenario though - am out now, son is home watching the match. I know they didn’t have rucksacks with them so it feels unlikely they had access to pack up that they didn’t fancy - but I don’t know for sure.

This is the third time he’s been to this place for a party this year - it’s the ‘thing’ to do. Last two times parents made it very clear that they were only paying entrance - and fair enough. Because that didn’t happen this time, I did assume they’d feed him but didn’t want to send him empty pocketed just in case. But I do understand why the other boy’s parents did - based on how it’s worked thus far, we’ve been told where the line is.

I asked if the dad was drunk and my son said he only has two pints. So over the limit but probably not reeling. Honestly there is so much that is weird about this. I am definitely far less strict and together than this family, I always had them down as being absolutely A1, on their game, model parents. They have screen time rules and NEVER budge, ffs. It’s all so strange.

OP posts:

AutistGoth · 13/06/2021 15:04

Sorry, OP. I've just re read what you said about the others hassling your DS to pay for the fairground type games and rides. That certainly isn't on.

If you can speak to the other attendees parents or the birthday boy's mum, I would.

rookiemere · 13/06/2021 15:06

How much did it cost you OP ?

Less than £100 and I'd write it off as one of those things, more than that and I'd think about what I'd do next. Thing is teenage friendships are fragile things and whilst what happened was rubbish your DS was kind to his friends and one hopes they would return the favour if required.
Birthday Dad sounds crap as in the day was meant to be about his DS not drinking beer slowly and then driving them home, but again not sure how you'd even broach the topic.

copperpotsalot · 13/06/2021 15:08

This happens all the time with my dd. Not theme parks but trips to town etc. Friends don't have money for food so she ends up buying as doesn't want to sit there with food when they dont have any. I can't understand it... so they think their kids just aren't going to eat????

Floralnomad · 13/06/2021 15:08

I think it’s a case of lesson learned and in future just send him with enough cash for the day for himself and an emergency £10 on the card . I wouldn’t follow up with any of the parents for yesterday because it may then end up being an issue for your son ( it shouldn’t but some teens are horrible ) . As for the pub bit I think like you say your son should have just messaged you to collect him .

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