13th birthday day out and money

[CauliflowerBalti]

My son was invited to a 13th birthday party at an expensive theme park yesterday. The birthday boy’s parents paid his entrance - which was very generous.

I didn’t expect them to pay for food so loaded money on his GoHenry card for food and drinks. None of the other parents did this though - including the birthday boy’s. They were in the park on their own all day, and my son had to pay for everything, for everyone. Three lunches, all drinks - they were even taking money from him for the fairground type games. Which all accept card now. Who knew? I say he ‘had’ to - of course he didn’t. But he said it wasn’t fair to get himself food and drinks if they couldn’t. I’m annoyed he let them hassle him into paying for their games though.

One of the kids was being dropped off at the end of the day at a pub where his mum was. My son messaged to say they were going there - I assumed for tea. But no. The boy’s father stayed at the pub for a couple of pints, and dropped my son home at 10.55pm, having had no dinner and no money left to buy his own because he’d bought everything for everyone else. I asked why on earth he didn’t message me when he was hungry - I’m 5 minutes away, I can collect him - but he said that the dad kept saying they were going in a minute. They got there at just before 8pm. That’s ages to wait to come home.

I am absolutely flabbergasted by it. I don’t feel great about 12 and 13-year olds left to fend for themselves all day somewhere so busy, none of them had enough to drink on such a hot day because they didn’t have enough money (though my son did wisely buy a water bottle in a shop so he could refill it in the toilets - which is fairly canny I guess but cost him £7.50…). That’s my first AIBU - is it ok for kids that age to be somewhere that is safely fenced off, on their own? Am I being overly protective?

Second - AIBU to think you either bring kids home in reasonable time for food, or feed them? I wish I’d messaged to clarify what was happening when my son said they were going to the pub - but it’s a food pub. One of those where if people say they’re going there - it’s for food. It’s not a drinkers pub. Didn’t enter my head the kids wouldn’t be fed. Again - I don’t expect them to pay for him. I do expect them to be aware that kids need feeding, though.

It may be material info that only the dad went. Mum had no involvement that I know of.

I really wonder what the birthday boy would have to say about all this. Because if OP's DS's account is accurate he had no food or drink or money either. Was he meant to get in touch with his dad at lunch time and he couldn't be bothered because OP's DS offered to pay for everyone? Did he have money but didn't bother to spend it because OP's DS offered to pay? Why didn't he point out to his dad in the pub that they were all starving?

Unfortunately 13 is an age where they are likely to be experiencing a bit of freedom for the almost the first time (and they've just had a year under very stringent restrictions). I do think OP made a mistake in giving her DS quite so much money and I think it may have gone to his head rather.

I think she should ask her DC to get in touch with his friends and say they owe him £x for food and drink. If that yields nothing, I'd go for contacting parents directly as it sounds like OP knows them.

@traumatisednoodle

So there are 3 possibilties here: 1) OP's DS is lying he has spent his money on theme park tat for himself 2) There was provision (either from birthday boy's family or the boys' parents) for lunch but DS was conned 3) DS's version is accurate no one else had anyway of feeding themselves.

If it was 1 or 2 I'd want to know.

And if it was 3 what on earth was every other parent thinking of! Even if you think your child is going on a paid day out, you surely give them some money for emergencies or to buy some tat in the gift shop.

I wouldn’t send any messages, chalk it up as experience.

Could the dad have given birthday boy money and birthday boy kept it for himself since your ds was paying ?
I’d get to the bottom of this , either by texting the dad or the mum

@Lulola

If you are worried about asking the other parents could you act like you are checking if your son really did buy them food or is fibbing because he wasted it all on the amusement type games? I would put: Hi, I sent DC with £50 yesterday for his lunch and an emergency. Apparently he had to spend it buying everyone lunch but I’m not sure I believe him because I know there is amusements there - did your DC spend as much or did they take a packed lunch?

Oh that is stone cold genius. Thank you!

@HotChocolateLover

I couldn’t imagine sending my son on a party like that without checking the food situation first. He’d have had a packed lunch and £20 probably.

I figured if a packed lunch was needed they’d have said, if they were buying lunch he wouldn’t need his money, and if it was like the other two parties he’d need the lunch money. But there are definitely lessons to be learned here around communication. I was definitely too slack, in hindsight. I think it’s cos it’s the third trip to the damn place. I’ve got ‘packing a bum bag with theme park supplies’ down to a fine art now: mask, sanitiser, sunscreen, sunglasses, loaded GoHenry card, one paracetamol tablet, carrier bag for rubbish or purchases. I thought I had this NAILED.

@UserAtRandom

I really wonder what the birthday boy would have to say about all this. Because if OP's DS's account is accurate he had no food or drink or money either. Was he meant to get in touch with his dad at lunch time and he couldn't be bothered because OP's DS offered to pay for everyone? Did he have money but didn't bother to spend it because OP's DS offered to pay? Why didn't he point out to his dad in the pub that they were all starving?

Unfortunately 13 is an age where they are likely to be experiencing a bit of freedom for the almost the first time (and they've just had a year under very stringent restrictions). I do think OP made a mistake in giving her DS quite so much money and I think it may have gone to his head rather.

I think she should ask her DC to get in touch with his friends and say they owe him £x for food and drink. If that yields nothing, I'd go for contacting parents directly as it sounds like OP knows them.

Some sharp insight here, actually. Birthday boy is entirely the type not to contact his Dad because there’s something better on offer - not because he’s mean or taking advantage or anything, he’s a lovely lad, but he IS super impulsive.

I’ve forgotten the other part. I transferred £30 to my son’s card the night before. He ended up buying everyone’s snacks the night before (they had a sleepover): £18. So then I transferred another £30. He had £42 from me and £7 of his own money.

I’m now thinking either my son is naively generous with no sense of the value of money, or his best friends are taking him for a total ride, or both. And that makes me sad.

When I was a very young child (must have been 8 or 9) my mums friend took me to worthing for a mini holiday to visit her parents with her husband and daughters. They were horrible to me, didn't let me call my mum when I was upset because I missed her, made me pay towards my own drinks etc (my mum had already given them money to cover me for the trip) I saw a TY shop and bought a very small beanie toy and was told that I couldn't have an ice cream with the rest of them becuase I had wasted my money. Some people are just horrid to other people's children.

If I took a group of kids to a theme park, I would make sure they had food and drink, even if I had to pack a pic nic and meet them at lunch time. And if my ds went one a trip, I equally would ensure he had enough money to get his own just in case.

Sorry that was to @CauliflowerBalti

Arghhh sorry! I it was to @Nothingyet

I wouldn't say anything to the other DPs, but I would have a very serious chat with your DS about the difference between being kind and sharing, and being a bit of a mug.

Unfortunately with the update about the snacks the night before the dye was cast. The other boys may not have done it maliciously- at that age they're still working through their own boundaries and moral code. I suspect they had their own tenners and Go Henry cards sitting in their pockets- as you say very few DPs would let their 12/13 year old go out without making sure they had lunch money.

I'd tell your DS that next time you will only give him enough money for himself. If he needs more he needs to contact you and let you know why - or perhaps his mates could return the financial favours he has done them before. But I wouldn't make a huge deal of it with the other DPs unless you know them very well.

@Invisimamma

I'd send a message to the other parents something along the lines of 'ds had a great day out yesterday, thanks for the invite! I'm. Not sure if you realised he paid for all the boys food and drinks all day as he was the only one with money and he didn't want to see any of his mates go hungry. I'd appreciate it if you could pay him back, it works out at £xx each. His account details are xxxx'

Exactly this ^

I’ve forgotten the other part. I transferred £30 to my son’s card the night before. He ended up buying everyone’s snacks the night before (they had a sleepover): £18. So then I transferred another £30. He had £42 from me and £7 of his own money.

the whole theme park fiasco aside, I think you need a chat with your DS about money. It sounds neither you or he haven't quite made the jump from child to teenager. I'd say it's unusual for a 13 year old to still have a GoHenry card rather than a normal debit card, for example. Plus packing his bumbag with "what he needs for a theme park" is how you'd treat a younger child. Time out with friends without parents is going to be the norm from now on (it would have probably happened already if not for Covid) and you need to decide how to finance it. Either he gets a monthly allowance and you agree what it has to cover (and when it's gone; it's gone) or you agree to provide money as it's needed for things like days out. But you do need to budget appropriately. So for something like a theme park it would be enough money to cover a burger and chips type meal and a drink. Maybe £15 (check actual prices in advance)? And send him with a refillable bottle (most theme parks will have places you can refill). It sounds like your DS has not got into the habit of budgeting yet so he will basically just spend what he's given and you're not helping him to learn by constantly topping it up. I would probably suggest the allowance system might work best, perhaps giving extra for special one offs.

Your latest update does suggest that the other children's parents are not quite so generous in the amount of money they give, so the children have got used to your DS paying! Whereas it's actually perfectly fine and normal for teens to be mostly skint and just buying food/drink to share between them.