The last unacknowledged domestic violence

[MangoSeason]

You are a 15 year old girl coming home from school. A 17 year old boy is following you. He shoved you into a wall at school today. He called you a cunt. He knocked your books out of your hand. The teachers just told him to stop being a pest and then walked away.

At your garden gate he suddenly is upon you and slams you into the ground. You get gravel rash. Your neighbour rolls her eyes and goes inside. You get to the front door and get inside. Not safe of course. Your parents are not home and he follows you in because he is your brother and he lives there.

You rush to the laundry and lock yourself in. You stay there until your mum comes home. She’s cross of course. She has been working all day and comes home to this. She says you two are old enough to sort it out yourselves. You must have provoked him. You are too sensitive.

You once tried telling your head of year. He laughed and said all siblings fight and you will be best friends in a few years. You tried again and told the school safe-guarding lead. They took it a bit more seriously and spoke to your parents. Your parents were furious at you. You are called a drama queen, trying to get your brother into trouble over normal sibling rough and tumble. Get over yourself! Your whole extended family is unhappy with you. Fancy speaking to the school about your own brother. What an untrustworthy wuss you are.

There was a school assembly with the local police about domestic violence. You learn what you should do if your parents hurt you. What you should do if your parents hurt each other. There was nothing mentioned about what to do your brother hurts you. You think about speaking to the police officer afterwards but what is the point? No-one cares. It will only upset your parents. It seems it is perfectly acceptable for a nearly fully grown boy to physically assault you if he is your brother.

Sibling violence is an under researched area of domestic violence. Most people don’t understand what it is. They think it is sibling rivalry. The risk factors for sibling violence are having authoritarian parents, siblings close in age and siblings being latch-key kids. The perpetrator is usually the oldest and strongest sibling. Most common is older brothers targeting younger sisters, followed by older brothers targeting younger brothers. Less common, but still frequent is older sisters targeting younger sisters. Older sisters targeting younger brothers is the least common, as the brother will become physically stronger than the sister at puberty. Sibling violence is characterised by the persistent targeting of one or more siblings by a stronger sibling. There is little back and forth. One is the perpetrator and one is the victim almost all the time.

Society doesn’t know how to handle it. Schools and police bat the issue back to parents who are the least able to act properly, as they love all their children and bury their heads in the sand.

Just want to out this out there. If you work with children and they complain that their sibling is hurting them, please take it seriously.

I think it can be really difficult to manage. My DM tried to protect me from my sister's incredible jealousy, but especially as we got older it was hard for her to always be there. When I was little wider family simply didn't see it, everything was me whining and DM over-reacting. I remember a few particular moments; my grandmother's shock coming into a room unexpectedly and seeing my sister kicking me rolled into a ball on the floor (I felt oddly pleased she'd finally seen it and she believed me and mum after that), the fear when she threw milk at my head that exploded over the wall, feeling humiliated when a friend witnessed her banging my head off a doorknob, dad's shock when she stole all my money. Eventually she got to 16 and DM helped her move out; she hasn't forgiven DM for that despite being given so much money to help, but what else could DM do to protect me? My sister has complex needs, she's tried counselling and it helped a bit but she always wants to be the centre of attention still. She wants to be loved as a sibling, but as much as I try she can only ever be tolerated. Our other sibling is much more honest with her and wider family than I am, and will only agree to be polite. Sometimes I feel it's so long ago it should be forgotten, other times I wonder if I should explain to her all the things she did, just so she knows. The only reason that I don't is that I honestly believe she is more fragile than me, she lacked strength to manage her emotions then but also now in a different way. She might have done better if she'd had psychological support as a child, but it wasn't done so much back then as now. Anyway thanks OP, you're right that it should be talked about more.

OP, I really feel for you. My elder DB was not physically abusive but emotionally so. The most difficult thing is getting someone, a parent, to recognise that it is not just your regular sibling rivalry. It affects you mentally because you internalise people’s accusations of sensitivity and you lose a lot of self-confidence. Fortunately my mum did and stuck up for me when she could but he was quite covert about it.

I remember three times in my life when my brother acknowledged his targeted bullying of me. Once, my parents were going away and I was scared of being left with him. He said he was going to make me feel so bad about myself that when my parents returned I will have committed suicide! So he knew the psychologically manipulative aspect of it. I often think of that when people come out with their “boys are more physical. Girls are more manipulative” bullshit about school bullies.

When I grew up I got the courage to ask him why he’d been such a bully and his response was “It was fun because it was so easy. It was your own fault for buying into the bullshit I dished out”. I suppose at least I should be happy that he acknowledged it. I get so sad when I see happy brothers and sisters. I wish I’d had that because I adored him in spite of it.

As mine was just emotional I can’t imagine the trauma you went through OP so thanks for writing your post.

@KingdomScrolls

This isn't unknown and cases are managed by marac the same as any other domestic abuse. It's high on the radar with children's services and youth offending teams. I'm sorry for your experience.

How effective are those interventions?

Also there is a phrase by Antonia Fraser in one of her books that I always remember:

“Never underestimate the early feminism of a girl with an older brother close in age”

There was a girl at our school who’s brother was incredibly violent towards her. We were once at her house when he kicked off and he ripped a door off its hinges to get to her - terrifying. I never went back round again after that.

My husband’s younger sister was violent in the home - she never physically assaulted him (I expect because she correctly assessed that he would defend himself and she would come off worst) but she would torment him with verbal abuse and disruptive behaviour. On the night of his first GSCEs she blasted music and banged on the wall all night long to keep him awake. He ended up moving out to live with an aunt to get through his A-levels because he was worried she’d do the same again. All of his mum’s attempts to get help with her behaviour went nowhere.

I was bullied by my brother growing up and it has continued into adulthood. He’s just not a nice person. I feel like I’ve never experienced the joys of having a sibling like my friends and cousins have.

I would like to know this too, @Elisandra. @KingdomScrolls , what can actually be done, if the parents are blind to it and minimising it? Does the abusive bully get removed from the home against the parents’ wishes? Are the parents forced to give up work so they can prevent the majority of the abuse? What actually happens! Counselling for the abuser? My brother would have loved that! Hearing how much hurt and upset he caused me. Well, all his Christmases would have come at once. I am genuinely interested in knowing how this is dealt with.

Bloody hell. You're so right. I had this from my 2 brothers. Older bro was a horrific bully and hit me every day. Nobody did anything. "Boys will be boys" is a fucking outrageous statement. It should be BOYS WILL BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.

I'm NC with my entire birth family now.

@princessandthedragon

I was bullied by my brother growing up and it has continued into adulthood. He’s just not a nice person. I feel like I’ve never experienced the joys of having a sibling like my friends and cousins have.

I feel this too. In between the sheer relief of my children actually caring for each other, I feel immense sadness. I always had my brother’s back. I can’t understand why he was so abusive to me. My brother is not a nice person either.

I think the problem is one of blaming the victim. People always expect there to be sibling rivalry and so put it down to that.

In Scotland, the legal and police definition of domestic abuse only refers to partners/ex-partners, so abuse by parents/siblings/children doesn't count (although illegal). I always feel that this means support sometimes isn't as readily available.

"Boys will be boys" is a fucking outrageous statement.

It really is. And it’s set against a background of “well she must have provoked him” along with the idea that girls are annoying manipulative creatures. Anything to stop the responsibility being placed where it needs to be.

@KingdomScrolls, hopefully not family therapy. Adult victims of DV are always advised not to go into therapy with their abuser. I can picture a teenage girl facing off with her abusive brother and her parents in therapy. All three of them have the same aim- make her shut up. Then she has to go home and have dinner with them. I hope this is not what happens.

I have had various degrees of this from my sister (younger). There were times when I had to lock myself in the bathroom and wait for the rage to die down. I once had to tell her to leave my home or I would call the police. Even now, as grown adults, I get hours of abuse by Facebook messenger when she's unhappy. It's very draining.

If this wasn't written like a misery memoir, and instead used some actual links and charities to support, it might gain more traction.

You are SO not BU.

I can see how it happens. Parents are oblivious to this sort of thing even if it happens right under their eyes.

I know a local family where the older brother has been physically and mentally abusive to his younger sister since she was a young toddler.

Naice mc family, too. However, the mum always complaining about what their precious boy was doing but never pulling HIM up on anything, it was all handled softly softly. When he was really annoying to my dd who is his sister's friend and they retaliated by teasing him when they were about 5 years old (he was 10) the mum told the girls off and said oh leave [boy's name] alone. At that moment, I lost all respect for her.

@LetMeSewYouToASheet

what’s your AIBU…

@LetMeSewYouToASheet Wow are you usually so unfeeling? That would be a fair comment if the op was posting about ‘shall I wear a pink lipstick’ but she’s talking about domestic abuse for gods sake!

@EishetChayil

If this wasn't written like a misery memoir, and instead used some actual links and charities to support, it might gain more traction.

Misery Memoir. That’s actually quite clever!

This isn't going to go down well, especially with all the horribly sad stories here.

I was the abuser. My brother is six years younger than me. I was born with a disfigurement and was keenly aware that my mother resented me not being perfect. When my brother was born, I was sent away to an aunt for almost a month. I hated him. I used to use that darling trusting little boy as a punchbag until he was about 10 and he fought back.

Two things stick out - "She wants to be loved as a sibling, but as much as I try she can only ever be tolerated." Since having my own children, I've had extensive therapy and I'm so sorry that I hurt him, but he'll never accept my apologies. He treats me like a stranger, egged on by my mother who seems to enjoy making sure that I am isolated.

Secondly- "Children learn abuse from parents." That I did. As mentioned, I was born less than perfect. I was hidden away, denied therapy and made to feel as if I were one big problem. I was hit for being anxious when people out and about stared. I was hit when my mother was upset. One of ny earliest memories is my dad coming home to find my mother pummelling me into the sofa and me screaming. I can't remember what I did. I also suspect she drips poison into my brother's ear about me. Not that she needs to, the damage is long done.

My mother still takes her anger and aggression out on me. She threatened to 'bash' me in a shop just last year because I was in her way and called her out on her bullying. It transpires that my brother had been caught committing a road traffic offence and she was angry.

I was so sad, that due to me being a bully my brother didn't come to us for help. We could have. My mother need never have known. I found out about the incident and made the date connection to when she threatened me due to a phone call where he did ask for help. A grown man said to a 40 year old woman. "I know you hate me, but, please." My heart's broken that I did that to him. I am so so sorry and no one will accept me. I've got my punishment for being a bully and I live with it. I don't speak to my parents anymore.

I am the youngest of 3 girls. There is 10 years between myself and the oldest, 7 between mysel fand the middle one. My oldest sister left home when she was 16/17 so I didn't really remember her much. My middle sister, now there's a very different story.
My middle sister regularly used me as a punching bag from when I was around 6 until I was big enough as a teenager to start hitting her back. She gave me multiple black eyes, I had bruises everywhere, scrathces on my face. She even pushed me downstairs, dislocating my elbow and I have a scar on my side where she tried to stab me with a kitchen knife.
This was in the 70's/80's and was minimised at the time as "sibling rivalry". I have very little to do with her today, she is just someone I had to live with when I was a child and had no choice.

to anyone affected by this. Thanks for raising the subject, OP. A subject that could perhaps use more awareness.

@GiveTheGirlAGun

This isn't going to go down well, especially with all the horribly sad stories here.

I was the abuser. My brother is six years younger than me. I was born with a disfigurement and was keenly aware that my mother resented me not being perfect. When my brother was born, I was sent away to an aunt for almost a month. I hated him. I used to use that darling trusting little boy as a punchbag until he was about 10 and he fought back.

Two things stick out - "She wants to be loved as a sibling, but as much as I try she can only ever be tolerated." Since having my own children, I've had extensive therapy and I'm so sorry that I hurt him, but he'll never accept my apologies. He treats me like a stranger, egged on by my mother who seems to enjoy making sure that I am isolated.

Secondly- "Children learn abuse from parents." That I did. As mentioned, I was born less than perfect. I was hidden away, denied therapy and made to feel as if I were one big problem. I was hit for being anxious when people out and about stared. I was hit when my mother was upset. One of ny earliest memories is my dad coming home to find my mother pummelling me into the sofa and me screaming. I can't remember what I did. I also suspect she drips poison into my brother's ear about me. Not that she needs to, the damage is long done.

My mother still takes her anger and aggression out on me. She threatened to 'bash' me in a shop just last year because I was in her way and called her out on her bullying. It transpires that my brother had been caught committing a road traffic offence and she was angry.

I was so sad, that due to me being a bully my brother didn't come to us for help. We could have. My mother need never have known. I found out about the incident and made the date connection to when she threatened me due to a phone call where he did ask for help. A grown man said to a 40 year old woman. "I know you hate me, but, please." My heart's broken that I did that to him. I am so so sorry and no one will accept me. I've got my punishment for being a bully and I live with it. I don't speak to my parents anymore.

Thank-you. It sounds like you grew up with an abusive mother and enabling father. No child deserves that and I am sorry. Well done for acknowledging your mistreatment of your brother and trying to better yourself. It sounds like you have had some success and you should be proud.

@GiveTheGirlAGun - I'm sorry if those words hurt you. Every circumstance is different and it sounds like you had a very difficult childhood. If your brother isn't keen on a relationship now then it's a shame, but it's important to surround yourself with good friends who care. (And please stay away from your toxic mother, she sounds awful.)

You’re right OP it’s an important issue which is often overlooked.

Some parents often want an easy life and so just minimise things and want appearances to look good rather than deal with real difficult issues.

I’ve learnt there’s no point in going to my parents now or in the past with any issue with my sibling as they will just brush it aside or get annoyed at me for bringing an issue to light.

What is it about sibling relationships which makes being unkind/ hitting 'ok'?

My own DC have never hit another child, even as toddlers, but will be unkind and physical with eachother at times.

I don't accept any violence or unkind words being exchanged between them, ever.

This was not the case for me growing up. Seeing DH and his brothers being kind, loving and supportive of their younger sister when we got together at 19, blew my mind. Still does some days