The last unacknowledged domestic violence

[MangoSeason]

You are a 15 year old girl coming home from school. A 17 year old boy is following you. He shoved you into a wall at school today. He called you a cunt. He knocked your books out of your hand. The teachers just told him to stop being a pest and then walked away.

At your garden gate he suddenly is upon you and slams you into the ground. You get gravel rash. Your neighbour rolls her eyes and goes inside. You get to the front door and get inside. Not safe of course. Your parents are not home and he follows you in because he is your brother and he lives there.

You rush to the laundry and lock yourself in. You stay there until your mum comes home. She’s cross of course. She has been working all day and comes home to this. She says you two are old enough to sort it out yourselves. You must have provoked him. You are too sensitive.

You once tried telling your head of year. He laughed and said all siblings fight and you will be best friends in a few years. You tried again and told the school safe-guarding lead. They took it a bit more seriously and spoke to your parents. Your parents were furious at you. You are called a drama queen, trying to get your brother into trouble over normal sibling rough and tumble. Get over yourself! Your whole extended family is unhappy with you. Fancy speaking to the school about your own brother. What an untrustworthy wuss you are.

There was a school assembly with the local police about domestic violence. You learn what you should do if your parents hurt you. What you should do if your parents hurt each other. There was nothing mentioned about what to do your brother hurts you. You think about speaking to the police officer afterwards but what is the point? No-one cares. It will only upset your parents. It seems it is perfectly acceptable for a nearly fully grown boy to physically assault you if he is your brother.

Sibling violence is an under researched area of domestic violence. Most people don’t understand what it is. They think it is sibling rivalry. The risk factors for sibling violence are having authoritarian parents, siblings close in age and siblings being latch-key kids. The perpetrator is usually the oldest and strongest sibling. Most common is older brothers targeting younger sisters, followed by older brothers targeting younger brothers. Less common, but still frequent is older sisters targeting younger sisters. Older sisters targeting younger brothers is the least common, as the brother will become physically stronger than the sister at puberty. Sibling violence is characterised by the persistent targeting of one or more siblings by a stronger sibling. There is little back and forth. One is the perpetrator and one is the victim almost all the time.

Society doesn’t know how to handle it. Schools and police bat the issue back to parents who are the least able to act properly, as they love all their children and bury their heads in the sand.

Just want to out this out there. If you work with children and they complain that their sibling is hurting them, please take it seriously.

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

How can people read the OP about a little known, little talked about area of domestic violence and then make some of these comments?
Who cares whether there is research to back up these heart felt claims? Who cares if there wasn't an explicit AIBU? 'Over dramatic' - WTF.
There are some truly awful people on MN.

OP, I was lucky to have a fabulous brother and cannot imagine being badly treated by him. I hope posts like yours help people take it more seriously. Whether a young child confiding in a family member/friend/ teacher or an older person needing to talk about memories that haunt them .

[Pewpew]

I can relate

[BeardyButton]

Thanks for starting this OP. Brilliant thread.

[LizzieW1969]

How can people read the OP about a little known, little talked about area of domestic violence and then make some of these comments?
Who cares whether there is research to back up these heart felt claims? Who cares if there wasn't an explicit AIBU? 'Over dramatic' - WTF.
There are some truly awful people on MN.

^I agree, sadly. I also don’t get why they find it hard to believe that sibling abuse is widespread? Bullying in the playground is widespread, so why is it hard to believe that it’s widespread in the home as well??

[SummerBreeze1980]

@MangoSeason - I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing and raising awareness as this really wasn't on my radar.

[SummerBreeze1980]

@RockingMyFiftiesNot - I agree. Those comments were in very poor taste.

[SandwichTray]

I’m saddened at the posts on here who say

“it’s uncommon” - but every person on here is one too many
“It’s more known about now” - many of us still have to live with their trauma, it’s not history to me
“misery memoir” - I rarely talk about it, it’s too shameful, don’t shame me for talking about it anonymously here. Also I don’t have any links for help because I never used any services. Don’t ask the victim to be the saviour, if I knew how I wouldn’t have been in the situation. I was only a child.

[liveinthesticks]

Reading with interest. My son is autistic and has the tendency to try and bully our youngest - I have said to my husband this is abuse. I live my life with needing eyes in the back of my head.

[ChloeCrocodile]

Thanks for writing this OP. My DM and her siblings had some very unhealthy relationships as children. As adults they all get on pretty well, but some of the damage has certainly been lasting. DM and her brother both have serious self esteem issues from relentless bullying.

As a PP said, peer-on-peer abuse is getting the recognition is deserves in safeguarding, so times are changing. It is just so frustratingly slow as the attitudes are so deeply ingrained.

[Woodswoman]

@EishetChayil

If this wasn't written like a misery memoir, and instead used some actual links and charities to support, it might gain more traction.

Why don’t you post some links and places for support, instead of being fucking rude, then?

[Stompythedinosaur]

With the safeguarding procedures, how does this work if the parents refuse to co-operate? Can an abusive child be removed from their home against the wishes of the parents?

In my experience, if abuse has got to the point of children needing to be removed from the home, then it would likely be both children, as the parents would be failing to protect the victim and the aggressor would be "outside parental control".

But there is a very high bar for removing children from their family. Too high, I sometimes think.

[Lucifersladylove]

I relate so much. My brother battered me when we were children/teens. He broke bones more than once.
Everyone just seemed to decide it was fighting between siblings even though I didn’t go near him if I had the choice and certainly never provoked him, he’s 7 inches taller and probably outweighed my 6 stone at the time. Even now we are in our 40s I’m scared of him and refuse to let him around my children.

[BeardyButton]

As a researcher in the area of childhood, with experience researching the link between misogyny and vaw, I can say with certainty this is an under researched area. That doesn’t mean there is NOTHING out there in the issue. It does mean that compared to other forms of violence there is a lot less research and researchers engaged with this issue. This is true of violence against children more generally too.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

@Woodswoman - well said!

[Lachimolala]

Me too @NothingIcando I’m the younger abused by the older sister. I was terrified of her growing up, she made my time in our shared bedroom hell on earth. No one believed me them or now, she was very much the golden child and me the scapegoat.

[KOKOagainandagain]

I think that what happens in secret is also relevant - not least because this is unreported. Sometimes because parents don't want to admit they left their children alone. Any time my parents were out of the house but also whilst they had gone to bed was an opportunity for my brother to abuse me. I don't use the term lightly. He made me in fear of my life - he pinned me to an arm chair and repeatedly stabbed just behind me with a knife, he smothered me with a pillow until I lost consciousness. He sexually abused me. He would do this weird shit where he pretended to be a dog that would die unless... and then laugh because I was so gullible.

This is not sibling rivalry.

[cateycloggs]

So many horrible stories here. It's no surprise that as a child I fantasised about boarding school or being fostered or going to a children's home.. Of course little did I know about the abuse that happened in boarding shools, foster homes or in 'care'. Though many of the neighbour children who bullied me outside periodically disappeared into 'care' from their violent homes and never seemed any better for it when they came out.

Again I did not know they were almost certainly being forcibly made part of one of the biggest care home child abuse scandals that was subsequently revealed. Several I know committed suicide. So we couldn't win. I made up my mind to leave home as soon as possible, not go back and not have kids myself.

To those who think too much is being made of this, how can never feeling safe or loved in your own home not be the worst case scenario?