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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset about DH going out tonight

65 replies

scarecrow22 · 12/06/2021 21:50

DH mentioned he was trying to fix up some canoeing/paddle-boarding with a friend, who is a woman.

In the past he had been spending a lot of time with her, sometimes coming home in the early hours of the morning, a couple of times misleading me about their plans, and more upsettingly/worryingly, texting/ messaging him constantly, including when we were spending time with a family. We now have DC 10 and 8yo. Eventually I talked to him about it, and their friendship eased off.

He always denied there was an affair, only that she was one of the few people he could talk to = basically about the fact I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in 2016 and it took me a few years to recover.

This evening he has for the second time in a few weeks fumbled about with arranging a trip paddle-boarding /canoeing with her, which despite me being keen and enthusiastic about going with one or both kids in the day, ended up being to meet a 20min cycle ride away at 6pm - which is too late for children who need to be in bed about 8, and have had a full on day. Though I didn't refuse - and I think he was at best subconsciously waiting for me to refuse to go - he said he thought I was right (!) that it was too late for the kids. So at 6pm he cycled off to a pub by the river and left me to cook, clean up, settle two over hot and tired children, tidy up and ... well, now come and try and sort out my emotions about all this.

Our marriage is not great. It's complicated by having so little money, by tiredness (aren't we all!), difficulties adjusting to me losing my career because it has taken me so long to recover from the breakdown... life. DH also had an affair about 15yo and then secretly went to visit her in Germany a few years ago under the aegis of a non-essential work trip. I have still not recovered from that last incident. Especially as he reached out to her while I was in hospital.

DH works very hard, but today he has also spent time at his garage, and watched to Wales v Switzerland match, and tomorrow he wants to go for a bike ride. So I get that he needs time out, and I don't mind him socialising without me.

I guess I'm on here because when my daughter asked me this eve why I was being grumpy, I blurted out "because your father is out on the river having a cold beer (with money he keeps telling me we don't have) with another woman". Whatever the truth, this was awful to say to the children. But what is the truth?

AIBU?

Thank you for reading this.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 12/06/2021 21:53

You need to speak to your husband and sort this out. You can’t say things like that to your DD - it’s not fair on her.

You need to tell him he needs to pull his weight. When do you get your time out?

FierceBarrie · 12/06/2021 21:54

Well, clearly you are not being unreasonable.

I do wonder if your mental health would markedly improve if this man wasn’t in your life any more (as anything other than the father of your children).

Singlenotsingle · 12/06/2021 22:04

He sounds very self centered. Where's your "me time"? Where's your support? Where's the caring and sharing? What does he add to your life?

Cherrysoup · 12/06/2021 22:08

He’s having-at least-an emotional affair if not a full blown one. You’re very far down on his priority list.

Briarshollow · 12/06/2021 22:10

I really think, with his past, he’s either having an affair or about to have one. What a selfish, selfish twat of a man he is.

Original poster

scarecrow22 · 12/06/2021 22:11

I'm not complaining about lack of me time, I was only trying to make the point that he has other ways of chilling out from an intense job - not just the odd river pub trip. Bu thank you for the concern!

If I'm honest, I can't BEAR to think about him having the kids for every second weekend. I really could not bear it. Maybe I just let him drift off so I get to be with the kids (who are mostly great :) ) but not have to worry too much about him...... It's lonely, but anything is better than losing the DC for half of all weekends.

OP posts:

lotstolose1 · 12/06/2021 22:16

YABU by saying that to your child, not a nice thing to say at all. But I understand, why you were frustrated and blurted it out.

YANBU about the woman-friend. I would absolutely hate this, and had my DH previously been a cheater I wouldn't be able to put up with it.

WinterSunglasses · 12/06/2021 22:18

You say that, but you seem very distressed,and understandably so, about his behaviour. If you separated, you might lose some weekend time with the kids - though you never know, he might feel that outings and bike rides take priority. But you'd have a calmer, happier time with them. And you wouldn't be stuck with someone who treats you with such disregard. You deserve better.

Nofruitta · 12/06/2021 22:22

It would t matter to me if he was having affair in this occasion.
He is being a selfish and rubbish father, let alone husband.
For that is pack his bags. YANBU

Wolfiefan · 12/06/2021 22:23

That was a bloody awful thing to say.
End your marriage if you need to but don’t stick your kids in the middle of your resentment.
Better they only see you half the time than be stuck with you being toxic 24/7.

MaybeCrazy2 · 12/06/2021 22:30

Didn’t have the balls to say it to your husband though did you!
It’s not fair you talk to a child like that.

When he first cheated years ago you should have dumped him. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

You can do so much better.

Original poster

scarecrow22 · 12/06/2021 22:35

Just to be clear, I know it was a terrible thing to say. I immediately apologised and made a joke about the fact that he deserved a drink with a friend, it just showed how spoiled I've become by him clearing up supper every night! But I am posting because I was appalled by my own action.

Usually I am careful to be loyal - both for their emotional health, and the practical reason that they would not blink before they tried to exploit any perceived divisions!!

OP posts:

youOKhunn · 12/06/2021 22:40

Wow I can't believe you're putting up with this guy however I know it's hard to think about not having your dc every weekend. But in reality the kids will pick up on the toxic environment at home and it really won't do them any good.

Did you say in your original post that he cheated on you with a 15 year old from Germany? Or have I misunderstood

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2021 22:41

Your husband is cheating on you and quite blatantly, and he's cheated before. Why are you tolerating this?

me4real · 12/06/2021 22:43

YANBU, he already had an affair in the past. And now he's doing this stuff.

@scarecrow22 Your health has to be your top priority, do whatever you need to do for your wellbeing.

I don't think he's good for you. x

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/06/2021 22:49

You think you've become spoiled because he clears up after dinner every night? Why would you think that. As a pp said, I wonder if your mental health would improve without this man and his shit in your life.

Original poster

scarecrow22 · 12/06/2021 22:53

@youOKhunn

Did you say in your original post that he cheated on you with a 15 year old from Germany? Or have I misunderstood

Cripes, even I would not have tolerated that.

No, he had an affair with somebody 15y ago.

She was living in the UK, but later returned to live in Germany. What upset me most about him seeing her again was I was a bit suspicious/neurotic and so asked him before he went, while he was in G and when he came back, and every time he categorically denied he was seeing her while there - and he was so fluent and plausible and I couldn't see the lie. I only found out some time later when DD was playing with his phone.

OP posts:

Original poster

scarecrow22 · 12/06/2021 22:59

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

He acts the martyr, though I plan, shop, prep, cook the food, then take the kids up and bath/teeth/hair, read to them when there is time, and sing to them after a cuddle and a chat. So at another level I know I'm not spoiled. Except that in the flutter of time before they leave home, I will be so, so glad that I was the one that got to be with them in those precious hours. I always offer DH the chance to 'swap', but he always wants to do the clearing up. Then he comes upstairs and makes it sound like he's cleaned up a slum, which upsets me every time.

Sorry, I'm being v whiney about all this. I am trying to get it straight by writing it down and seeing what comes out. YWNBU to skip to the next AIBU!

OP posts:

BlueButtercups · 12/06/2021 23:13

I's have kicked this man out long ago... sorry

MsDogLady · 13/06/2021 06:52

Scarecrow, your H has history for cheating and then being deceitful about continuing the affair. I think he is continuing that pattern. He has been and still is cheating with this OW.

I commented on your December thread where you discussed H’s first affair. You were thinking of smashing the toy which that OW had given to DD. You forgave that infidelity, but then H kept plotting to see OW, “using greater and greater subterfuge.” He felt entitled to repeatedly lie about his 2-day visit with her and her son years later. Posters wondered if he is the father of her son. He has denied that, but you’ve always had a niggle.

You also wrote that his emotional mistreatment of you played a part in your hospitalization and, in addition, it sounded like he is financially abusive.

Back to the situation at hand, H is acting like a single man with the current OW. They have clearly been having an emotional or physical affair:

*Staying out until early hours with her.
*Misleading you about their plans.
*Messaging constantly, even during family time.
*Confiding in her about your medical history.

He may have dialed it down, but they likely went underground like he did during his previous infidelity. He is now engineering alone time with OW, which tells you that the affair is continuing. You previously lamented being too passive in your marriage. It’s time to direct your anger at H and take action.

You and your children deserve better than this faithless, practiced liar who diminishes you and harms your emotional health. DD and DS are learning a toxic relationship model.

Please get legal advice to investigate your options. And if you aren’t currently in therapy, consider seeking individual counseling to focus your thoughts, strengthen your boundaries, and determine your dealbreakers.

An0n0n0n · 13/06/2021 07:18

"Anything is better than losing kids half the weekend"- for YOU. Not for them. For them that would be better than the remark you made. If those remarks are leaking out then you need to address it with your husband.

If you want my honest opinion, yes hes having an affair. Yes, its shit. Im sorry for you. But ypu need to make some hard choices. Leave him and manage custody or stay woth him and turn a blind eye. But if you choose to do that then you need to really find a way to shield your kids from it. Not let on that you know and hes awful and hope they sympathise with ypu and cast him as a bad guy and hate him for what hes doing to their mum and family.

An0n0n0n · 13/06/2021 07:22

Plus if he leaves you for her je can still go for shared custody so turning a blind eye really isnt a good strategy.

TeddingtonTrashbag · 13/06/2021 07:30

Cold beer by the river on a Saturday night after fun stuff with this woman while you do the domestic stuff -no. Especially after his previous.

WouldBeGood · 13/06/2021 07:36

Tbh I think you should have let him take the children.

But not put up with cheating.

sambaa · 13/06/2021 07:38

I’m really sorry OP. It sounds like he is having an affair under your very nose and doesn’t even respect you enough to st least try and hide it.

Just because a man clears up after dinner while you out the children to bed does not make you “spoilt.”

How dare he confide in this woman about your mental health. That’s already a betrayal, right there. Please wake up and don’t tolerate this a day longer.

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