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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset about DH going out tonight

65 replies

scarecrow22 · 12/06/2021 21:50

DH mentioned he was trying to fix up some canoeing/paddle-boarding with a friend, who is a woman.

In the past he had been spending a lot of time with her, sometimes coming home in the early hours of the morning, a couple of times misleading me about their plans, and more upsettingly/worryingly, texting/ messaging him constantly, including when we were spending time with a family. We now have DC 10 and 8yo. Eventually I talked to him about it, and their friendship eased off.

He always denied there was an affair, only that she was one of the few people he could talk to = basically about the fact I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in 2016 and it took me a few years to recover.

This evening he has for the second time in a few weeks fumbled about with arranging a trip paddle-boarding /canoeing with her, which despite me being keen and enthusiastic about going with one or both kids in the day, ended up being to meet a 20min cycle ride away at 6pm - which is too late for children who need to be in bed about 8, and have had a full on day. Though I didn't refuse - and I think he was at best subconsciously waiting for me to refuse to go - he said he thought I was right (!) that it was too late for the kids. So at 6pm he cycled off to a pub by the river and left me to cook, clean up, settle two over hot and tired children, tidy up and ... well, now come and try and sort out my emotions about all this.

Our marriage is not great. It's complicated by having so little money, by tiredness (aren't we all!), difficulties adjusting to me losing my career because it has taken me so long to recover from the breakdown... life. DH also had an affair about 15yo and then secretly went to visit her in Germany a few years ago under the aegis of a non-essential work trip. I have still not recovered from that last incident. Especially as he reached out to her while I was in hospital.

DH works very hard, but today he has also spent time at his garage, and watched to Wales v Switzerland match, and tomorrow he wants to go for a bike ride. So I get that he needs time out, and I don't mind him socialising without me.

I guess I'm on here because when my daughter asked me this eve why I was being grumpy, I blurted out "because your father is out on the river having a cold beer (with money he keeps telling me we don't have) with another woman". Whatever the truth, this was awful to say to the children. But what is the truth?

AIBU?

Thank you for reading this.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/06/2021 07:46

Your children are clearly picking up on the bad vibes in the household. Do you think your relationship is a good example to be setting to them?

I'd be looking at leaving. He's had an affair already, he's having an emotional one now. Sounds like he's checked out of family life.

HollowTalk · 13/06/2021 07:52

Think of it as you having one day off at the weekend when you can either work, relax, take up a hobby or catch up with housework. If a family member offered to have them at the weekend you wouldn't feel so bad.

This man is an absolute bastard and is seriously affecting your mental health. You know he will leave eventually. I would end it now as you will feel much better if you are the one making the decision.

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2021 07:53

@scarecrow22

I'm not complaining about lack of me time, I was only trying to make the point that he has other ways of chilling out from an intense job - not just the odd river pub trip. Bu thank you for the concern!

If I'm honest, I can't BEAR to think about him having the kids for every second weekend. I really could not bear it. Maybe I just let him drift off so I get to be with the kids (who are mostly great :) ) but not have to worry too much about him...... It's lonely, but anything is better than losing the DC for half of all weekends.

Honestly, that's no way to be thinking. Unless there is far more wrong than you've mentioned here it would be far better for the children for the children not to be caught in the middle of this unhappiness and for you to feel less angry and resentful (not blaming you for feeling this way by any means). Teaching your children that this is what marriage should look like is doing them a grave disservice.
CutieBear · 13/06/2021 08:34

Your DC can already sense that their parents are not getting on. You should not have said that to your DD. You probably really scared and upset her.

He cheated on you 15 years ago and 6 years ago he was in an emotional affair whilst you were in a psychiatric hospital… you should’ve left years and years ago. Your DC will probably be happier if their parents separated. At least then your very young DD won’t become your relationship confidant.

PotteringAlong · 13/06/2021 08:39

That was a truly awful thing to say to your daughter and if you keep saying things like that you will completely lose any moral high ground. Parental alienation is a thing - don’t do it.

So leave. Before all of your lives - you, your husband and you children’s, are wrecked.

PegasusReturns · 13/06/2021 08:42

He’s cheated on you on the past.

He’s cheating on you now.

Your mental health is poor and inevitably exacerbated by his behaviour.

The children are now in the firing line.

You need to leave

JustWonderingIfYou · 13/06/2021 08:48

Yabu.

About him going out with s firend for a drink. One night of having to clean up and do bedtime for school age children is not the enormous effort you make it out to be. People are allowed fridns of the opposite sex. Suggesting he takes the kids to meet a friend changing the whole thing from grown up chat to kids day out. It is hard being with someone with long terms chronic mental health issues, he will need support too.

He is unreasonable about the secret money and previous affair. Although if you forgave him you need to get over it. You can't stay with him and then let the resentment eat you up.

Definitely yabu to your daughter. Children do not need that attitude about any parent even if they are crap. Get over yourself, she is not there as your therapist.

Sparklfairy · 13/06/2021 08:59

If I'm honest, I can't BEAR to think about him having the kids for every second weekend. I really could not bear it

If he is the one who decides to leave, you may not have a choice.

I hate to say it but you're being really selfish to your children. This sort of toxic environment can mess them up for years, if not for life. They were also learn that this is how relationships 'should be' and you would be resigning your DD to the same in her future relationships.

I mean this kindly but its time for you to think about the bigger picture. Long term, you and your children will be much happier. You will get lots of support here, I've seen it time and time again.

Hairyfairy01 · 13/06/2021 09:00

Are you concerned that if you split up you may lose custody of the children due to your prior mental health issues?

Whyhello · 13/06/2021 09:05

The marriage should have ended after his first affair. You chose to stay but then he betrayed your trust by going to meet her again a few years ago as well as contacting her when you were in hospital. Please get rid of him. He’s obviously capable of cheating and is most likely doing it again now. He doesn’t sound invested in your family either, he spends far too much time away from you all.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 13/06/2021 09:11

Having your children go to their dad EOW isn't the end of the world (although it feels like it to start with). It gives you time to actually have a break and to find the 'old you' a bit you can have hobbies and go out in the evening, with friends or just for a walk. It means that your DH would actually have to parent them, plan activities, clear up after them and that your children get uninterrupted Dad time.

In our arrangement we should do EOW but that didn't work out with Ex work schedule and DD didn't like staying so we tend to have one weekend day each (with flexibility for changes in his schedule, birthday parties, sleepovers and holidays etc) and this works out great. For me it's like DD spending the day with a friend or similar not that I'm losing her.

Providing your DH isn't abusive to the children it could be a great way of doing things and your MH may well start to get better without him being around.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/06/2021 09:21

Like other posters I think this relationship is damaging your MH. You must be in a state of high alert - it’s mentally draining.

He is not a partner.

Redwinestillfine · 13/06/2021 09:40

You are not being winey at all. He needs to agree not to see her again. It's not on. You are perfectly reasonable to feel hurt.

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/06/2021 09:51

He appears to make you believe he’s the bees knees! Why are you accepting so little from him?

OhWhyNot · 13/06/2021 09:55

Sorry op but I think he checked out of your relationship

Regardless if he is having an affair or not emotionally he isn’t there for you

I think you need to have a very honest discussion but are you ready for that ?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 13/06/2021 09:56

He will be telling her he stays with you as your mh couldn't take him leaving you. He is actually using your illness to cheat on you..
You aren't teaching your dc anything positive about relationships here...

Zari29 · 13/06/2021 09:57

Op its clear he is having an affair and has checked out a very, very long time ago. Seem like he will do anything to not spend time with you. I really think for your own sanity you need to leave. It's absolutely toxic and now you are passing this on to your kids with comments like that. That is so damaging even if you made a joke of it. Both of you are damaging your kids by staying in this toxic marriage. Don't put this on your kids and justify it as staying for them. This is so sad op, please be kind to yourself and leave.

KittyKattyKate · 13/06/2021 09:59

If he doesn’t want to ‘do’ the kids now, he won’t want them every second weekend. Get rid for your own mental health.

jobsagudden · 13/06/2021 10:07

For what it's worth @scarecrow22 I don't think it was an absolutely horrendous thing to say to your daughter like PP have made out, it doesn't sound like you do it all the time and you were at the end of your tether. It's healthy for children to understand that their parents have real emotions too. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Your husband sounds like he is being extremely selfish. Have you tried marriage counselling to see if you can get this to work?

FeatheredHope · 13/06/2021 10:16

OP you are obviously desperately unhappy and your DH is a selfish prick and even if he’s not shagging this woman, he obviously values time with her above your mental health.
Stop accepting so little. None of this is healthy for you or the children.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/06/2021 10:16

Sounds like he doesn’t do much with DC anyway, so not sure whether he would do EOW.

SleepyPartyTime · 13/06/2021 10:19

You are very much not unreasonable. With the history of the affair this is all the worse. I do think you sound like you're a bit afraid of a breakup and have decided to put up with anything to avoid it. DH sounds like he's more than happy with this and taking advantage.

Outbutnotoutout · 13/06/2021 10:26

I think if you kicked him out, your mental health would improve immensely.

He doesn't respect you at all.

He had an affair, is probably having another and you want him to stay.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers., send him on his way. Sounds like he is too into himself to care about having the kids at all.

littlefireseverywhere · 13/06/2021 10:28

I think you need to split for everyone’s sake. No one is happy & you need to be able to be.

MintyMabel · 13/06/2021 10:52

It's lonely, but anything is better than losing the DC for half of all weekends.

Not for the children. They are in an unhappy situation too and you and your DH owe it to them to fix that.