to be upset about DH going out tonight

[scarecrow22]

DH mentioned he was trying to fix up some canoeing/paddle-boarding with a friend, who is a woman.

In the past he had been spending a lot of time with her, sometimes coming home in the early hours of the morning, a couple of times misleading me about their plans, and more upsettingly/worryingly, texting/ messaging him constantly, including when we were spending time with a family. We now have DC 10 and 8yo. Eventually I talked to him about it, and their friendship eased off.

He always denied there was an affair, only that she was one of the few people he could talk to = basically about the fact I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in 2016 and it took me a few years to recover.

This evening he has for the second time in a few weeks fumbled about with arranging a trip paddle-boarding /canoeing with her, which despite me being keen and enthusiastic about going with one or both kids in the day, ended up being to meet a 20min cycle ride away at 6pm - which is too late for children who need to be in bed about 8, and have had a full on day. Though I didn't refuse - and I think he was at best subconsciously waiting for me to refuse to go - he said he thought I was right (!) that it was too late for the kids. So at 6pm he cycled off to a pub by the river and left me to cook, clean up, settle two over hot and tired children, tidy up and ... well, now come and try and sort out my emotions about all this.

Our marriage is not great. It's complicated by having so little money, by tiredness (aren't we all!), difficulties adjusting to me losing my career because it has taken me so long to recover from the breakdown... life. DH also had an affair about 15yo and then secretly went to visit her in Germany a few years ago under the aegis of a non-essential work trip. I have still not recovered from that last incident. Especially as he reached out to her while I was in hospital.

DH works very hard, but today he has also spent time at his garage, and watched to Wales v Switzerland match, and tomorrow he wants to go for a bike ride. So I get that he needs time out, and I don't mind him socialising without me.

I guess I'm on here because when my daughter asked me this eve why I was being grumpy, I blurted out "because your father is out on the river having a cold beer (with money he keeps telling me we don't have) with another woman". Whatever the truth, this was awful to say to the children. But what is the truth?

AIBU?

Thank you for reading this.

I don't think he will actually want the DC EOW seeing as though he acts that clearing up after dinner is a huge deal and he needs all this time out with other women to recover from the stress of working!!

He sounds like a really selfish man.

No wonder your MH was poor.

You need to put your children first here. Even with the completely unacceptable comment to your daughter aside, this is fucking them up. The example of a relationship that they are getting is awful. Is this what you want for them to repeat in later life?

I’m not by any means downplaying how rubbish it will be to learn to split your time with your children, but it’s the best for them to not grow up in this absolutely toxic environment.

I couldn't and wouldn't tolerate this, especially as he has form for it.

I think you need to have a very honest conversation about the future of your marriage with him.

You know what’s going on

Doesn’t even make much of a difference if it’s a sexual affair or an emotional one

You are a bit in denial, but him organising this during kids bedtime was no accident...

I'm not sure I'd be hanging out with the father of 2 kids in a pub at the kids bed time, I'd be encouraging him to be home

Are you ignoring the fact he is still having an affair for ease of life? That’s how it seems, it’s very obvious he’s having an affair you you seem to breeze over the situation like it’s normal.

Please leave. You’ll be happier.

I really think you're getting a very raw deal here, he sounds really selfish.

I can feel your dislike for him rolling off your posts (justified!)

I wonder if he feels the same about you and that's why he's enjoying a cold, relaxing beer with his lady friend instead of you.

OP, this is no way to live. It really isn't.

Wow. You put up with a LOT. He secretly went to see the woman he already had an affair with in Germany?!! At what point is it enough for you to end it? He has no respect for you.

@MsDogLady I am v touched you have taken the time to reply to me twice on this - and have troubled to make the link. What you write is wise and I will pay it attention. The financial stuff improved in November when he began to pay for the mortgage, bills and food. Nothing for me personally, but I get ESA. He complains a lot - including about my part in this - yet he wants me to sah with the kids!

I think you need to accept that your dh is having an affair, is neglecting you and your kids, and is being extremely selfish. Uncertainty is bad for your MH, op. It’s time to face up to reality and carve yourself a good life without dh. Good luck, op.

He WENT OUT AGAIN ON SUNDAY EVE FOR A PADDLE IN HIS CANOE FROM 7-9.

I love putting DC to bed but I’d not stopped for a moment all day and my medication and a low thyroid leave me with chronic tiredness bordering on narcolepsy, só support helps.

My support worker has offered to maybe arrange mgc. I will take heed of all these messages and make it clear we need ro rescue our relationship.

Many if not all the PP have wondered why I stay.

The truth is firstly I feel guilty for all DH has gone through with my MH problems, even if I’m unrecognisably better now: theloss of energy, patience and enthusiasm, occasionally raging temper, foi g to bed because I can’t cope.... worst of all I took an OD and he found me by chance. He and the children (awful) watched while I slipped into a coma and was periodically revived by paramedics. Ive never written this down before, but the guilt is an endless well. So that, and guilt about what he’s put up with for most of our relationship - referred to by him too - mean I always rationalise and defend his behaviour.

And I’m not “staying for the kids” for their sake, as I mistakenly implied. It’s for my sake : for the difficulty I’d have with split weekend custody. I do also believe they’d be happier if I could reconcile myself and make it work.

Thank you ALL for your replies, for taking the trouble to read and think about my post, and then write back. You are thoughtful, honest and generous-spirited.

And I will never burden DC with it again!

Just to be clear, I know it was a terrible thing to say. I immediately apologised and made a joke about the fact that he deserved a drink with a friend, it just showed how spoiled I've become by him clearing up supper every night!

Jesus Christ OP, how much internalised misogyny do you carry with you if you think you’re spoilt because he cleans up after the meal you cooked?! What the fuck? Women do not exist to skivvy for men, we’re not their service bots. Please stop teaching your daughter this crap.

Also, if you really can’t imagine being away from your children for a few hours every other weekend, then I think you’ve truly lost yourself. It’s not healthy to cling onto them so much, you need to care for yourself too, have your own interests and passions. You need this for your own mental health. Please start taking care of yourself, if your self worth increases, your dickhead husband will become an easier problem to solve.

And I’m not “staying for the kids” for their sake, as I mistakenly implied. It’s for my sake : for the difficulty I’d have with split weekend custody. I do also believe they’d be happier if I could reconcile myself and make it work.

That's even worse, really. This could mess up their idea of relationships for life.

I do also believe they’d be happier if I could reconcile myself and make it work.

It doesn't sound at all like there's anything you could do to make this work. It doesn't seem like it's something that can still be rescued. You're both staying because it's easier for you individually right now. That'll end for one of you, at some point.

So that, and guilt about what he’s put up with for most of our relationship - referred to by him too - mean I always rationalise and defend his behaviour.

I don't want to downplay what your family went through - I've experienced similar - but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. He can't now hold that over you forever as justification for his very visible affairs, neglect and general twattishness.

Where do you honestly see this going? I'm genuinely concerned that you're clinging on to this for dear life, and you're going to be completely blindsided when it falls apart. And if, by some miracle, it doesn't - then when your children decide that they don't want to be around this.

Can you at least start to take some steps towards friends, hobbies, interests of your own that aren't at all dependent on him or your children; so you've got somewhere to start? Once you've found some independence, it might be easier to deal with your husband.

She was living in the UK, but later returned to live in Germany. What upset me most about him seeing her again was I was a bit suspicious/neurotic and so asked him before he went, while he was in G and when he came back, and every time he categorically denied he was seeing her while there - and he was so fluent and plausible and I couldn't see the lie. I only found out some time later when DD was playing with his phone.

You're doing yourself a disservice here. You could see the lie, otherwise why did you ask him about it multiple times? It sounds like you need to have more faith in your instincts. You're instincts were right then and they're most likely right now. He's not someone you should trust!