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Original poster

Or should I just go to the wedding?

54 replies

Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 20:00

My friend who I love is getting married abroad in summer 2022. She has invited me along with my dh and 2 kids who will be 4 and 6 by then. Of course I want to see her get married but...

The wedding is the day after dd's 6th birthday and is in another country. It will cost probably £300-400 to go, maybe more, once you factor in flights, hotel, taxis etc. We can afford this but the money could be spent on many other things we are trying to save for.

I didn't want to take dc because I think they will be bored. The wedding is at 4pm and there isn't much else around there during the day. Also a 2.5 hour flight each way... It would be fine but not loving the idea. However, I am not willing to not be with dd on her birthday. We could fly out early on the day of the wedding possibly, providing that leaves enough time to get to the ceremony by 4pm. Then fly back early the next day. My parents will have dc for us but think 2 nights might be pushing it as they are 75 years old.

Or we could just take the dc and stay 2 nights. But then that means travelling on dd's birthday and doubles the cost.

On balance, I just think its too difficult to go, as much as it pains me to miss out on the day. But then how do I tell her...? She will be really upset with me if I don't go....

OP posts:
Playdoughcaterpillar · 12/06/2021 20:03

If you want to go either make a little holiday out of it and do something nice on DD birthday or travel early on the day just you and DH. If you don't want to go, don't. It's an invite not a summons as they say!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/06/2021 20:04

You can celebrate your daughter’s birthday early or late. If it was a school day birthday you’d not be able to do all that much with her.

The wedding is a PITA. Whether you go depends on how much of a PITA you can tolerate for a good friend. At the very least I think you should look at the logistics of flying that morning.

Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 20:07

I did want to go on holiday next year. Maybe I should look at combing the 2. I probably am being a bit precious about the birthday.... Pfb and all that 😂

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 12/06/2021 20:09

Your dd will not remember a standard birthday at home for her 6th birthday. However she will if it’s part of a wedding. Ultimately how much do you value the friendship

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2021 20:10

She will be really upset with me if I don't go....

Oh well. She just might have to be upset then, won't she. You have a family and her wedding is a massive pain in the ass, both of which she should have considered.

SewVeryLazy · 12/06/2021 20:12

In my opinion, if you plan your wedding abroad then you should be prepared for guests declining, however only you can judge if your friend thinks like that

SwimBaby · 12/06/2021 20:13

I’d think about making a little holiday of it, I’d definitely not fly out on the morning of the wedding, too stressful.

An0n0n0n · 12/06/2021 20:14

You dont have to go but why not go on your own?

Lotsachocolateplease · 12/06/2021 20:16

If it’s in the school holidays then could you go a few days earlier and stay somewhere kid friendly/ holiday park type place then travel to the wedding on the day? Then back to finish off your holiday?

JadeSeahorse · 12/06/2021 20:18

Personally I would decline!

I would explain the logistics of trying to attend her overseas wedding with a 6 and 4 yr old is just not doable and you strongly suspect they could spoil her day. (I totally get the possibility of boredom/tiredness setting in which could easily make them very grumpy.). Explain leaving them for 2 nights with your parents could prove problematic as could trying to fly out the day of the ceremony. What if there is a big flight delay?? Just not worth it IMO.

Instead I would offer to do something really nice with the newlyweds shortly following their return.

Sorry but anyone who chooses to marry overseas must accept that some people - for whatever reason - just wont be able to make it.

MrsMiddleMother · 12/06/2021 20:21

If you can afford to, I'd definitely make a holiday out of it. Would be lovely for your dd birthday and just make sure you have things to entertain them at the wedding
I.e colouring, magazines etc it'll be great

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/06/2021 20:24

I don’t see how she has any right to be upset if she chooses to have a wedding abroad and isn’t paying the costs for guests to attend.

I’d not pay that much nor give up annual leave for a wedding of a friend.

cluecu · 12/06/2021 20:25

You've already said you could afford to fly out on the morning of the wedding so I'd just do that? Of course the money could be spent on other things but that logic could apply to all money in all situations.

It doesn't sound like you particularly want to go, which is also fine, just be honest about it.

blubberyboo · 12/06/2021 20:27

Children love exciting trips especially at age 6. A 6th Birthday is not that especially important and shouldn’t trump your friends weddings. She is more likely to remember a birthday trip to a wedding abroad than a standard birthday at home.
Just go and take them and make it into a great family trip

DeathStare · 12/06/2021 20:27

My dd has been on a plane on her birthday three times. She's now a teenager and counts these as her best birthdays. Everyone made a huge fuss of her through the airport and on the plane.

Notaroadrunner · 12/06/2021 20:28

Make it your holiday if kids are going to be off school at the time. Personally my child's birthday wouldn't even be a consideration in deciding what to do. She can have her party the week before or after if you're hoping to have one.

murbblurb · 12/06/2021 20:28

If you want to go, fine. If not, miss frilly frock will have to act like an adult. Holding a party abroad does mean that some guests won't be able to come. Wedding does not change that.

Bellsandwhistle · 12/06/2021 20:29

If she’s a close friend I’d be there with kids and stay about 4/5 nights so kids had a memorable time and you get to the wedding too. I really don’t see the problem here - she’s invited kids and you can afford it so why not?!

Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 20:30

@An0n0n0n

You dont have to go but why not go on your own?
That is another option, yes. Initially thought it would be nice to make it into a little mini break for us but tbh it's just a lot of rushing around. Also would prefer him there, I only know a handful of people going and all are taking partners.
OP posts:
shouldistop · 12/06/2021 20:31

People who get married abroad don't get to be upset if people don't come.

Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 20:32

@Lotsachocolateplease

If it’s in the school holidays then could you go a few days earlier and stay somewhere kid friendly/ holiday park type place then travel to the wedding on the day? Then back to finish off your holiday?
It is in August and yes, this could be an option. Looking at nearby family friendly resorts now. Not much coming up but could be because of Covid I guess...
OP posts:
Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 20:33

@DeathStare

My dd has been on a plane on her birthday three times. She's now a teenager and counts these as her best birthdays. Everyone made a huge fuss of her through the airport and on the plane.
Oh really?? That's very cute.
OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 12/06/2021 20:34

It's nice they invited your kids. For that reason alone I'd probably go!

My DD6 would love to attend a wedding but never invited since everyone goes child free these days.

If it's somewhere nice and you could make a nice short break out of it £300-£400 isn't OTT extravagant. It might be a nice trip / memory for you all.

But if it seems like too much, declining is fine too.

Terrazzo · 12/06/2021 20:35

Oh definitely go!!! 2.5 hour flight is nothing with 6 and 4 year olds, and you’ll be somewhere lovely for bday and you’ll get to go to the wedding. Lovely!

RampantIvy · 12/06/2021 20:36

@murbblurb

If you want to go, fine. If not, miss frilly frock will have to act like an adult. Holding a party abroad does mean that some guests won't be able to come. Wedding does not change that.
I agree.

She chose to get married somewhere that is very expensive and inconvenient for guests to get to. She must therefore accept that if the venue is more important than her guests that they may not be able or want to travel to her wedding.