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AIBU?

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Original poster

Or should I just go to the wedding?

54 replies

Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 20:00

My friend who I love is getting married abroad in summer 2022. She has invited me along with my dh and 2 kids who will be 4 and 6 by then. Of course I want to see her get married but...

The wedding is the day after dd's 6th birthday and is in another country. It will cost probably £300-400 to go, maybe more, once you factor in flights, hotel, taxis etc. We can afford this but the money could be spent on many other things we are trying to save for.

I didn't want to take dc because I think they will be bored. The wedding is at 4pm and there isn't much else around there during the day. Also a 2.5 hour flight each way... It would be fine but not loving the idea. However, I am not willing to not be with dd on her birthday. We could fly out early on the day of the wedding possibly, providing that leaves enough time to get to the ceremony by 4pm. Then fly back early the next day. My parents will have dc for us but think 2 nights might be pushing it as they are 75 years old.

Or we could just take the dc and stay 2 nights. But then that means travelling on dd's birthday and doubles the cost.

On balance, I just think its too difficult to go, as much as it pains me to miss out on the day. But then how do I tell her...? She will be really upset with me if I don't go....

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 20:37

Those saying she has no right to be upset, of course you're right but you know what it's like irl - you don't want to hurt people. It's important to her.

The more I think about it the more I think we should do the holiday idea. Dd LOVES weddings (thanks Disney) and has never been to one. We can afford it and could really do with a holiday. If I'm honest, I think it just comes down to being a little nervous about travelling abroad - in general but 10 times more with kids.

But obviously I also know it would be fine...

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StoneofDestiny · 12/06/2021 20:38

Make it into a holiday - it's still a birthday if it's celebrated abroad.
Or don't go.

Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 20:38

@cluecu

You've already said you could afford to fly out on the morning of the wedding so I'd just do that? Of course the money could be spent on other things but that logic could apply to all money in all situations.

It doesn't sound like you particularly want to go, which is also fine, just be honest about it.

😂😂 This is so true. (about money).
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Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 20:42

@BrilliantBetty

It's nice they invited your kids. For that reason alone I'd probably go!

My DD6 would love to attend a wedding but never invited since everyone goes child free these days.

If it's somewhere nice and you could make a nice short break out of it £300-£400 isn't OTT extravagant. It might be a nice trip / memory for you all.

But if it seems like too much, declining is fine too.

Aww I know!! She loves my kids.
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MargosKaftan · 12/06/2021 20:50

I definitely would make a holiday out of it. Your dd can have a birthday abroad, how exciting! If you stay somewhere family friendly nearby you can just pop over to the hotel for the wedding in the late afternoon (having had the morning in the pool/on the beach), and continue your holiday the next day.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/06/2021 20:55

Go on your own. You’re an adult. Why are you making a 2.5 hour flight sound like a trek across the Hindu Kush?

BrimfulOfBaba · 12/06/2021 21:02

I know I'm going against the grain here a bit but if she is a friend who means a lot to you surely a bit of faff to support her is just part of being a friend? There are solutions as you and others have mentioned. How much faff is enough to honour the friendship?

Also if you were in her shoes and she were in yours, would you be hurt if she didn't come?

Unsubscribed · 12/06/2021 21:09

If you want to go and can find a way to afford it I would go. DD's birthday you can work around, that wouldn't stop me . I agree with PP its refreshing to see a wedding thread where DC are invited, worth making the effort

miltonj · 12/06/2021 21:14

Definitely go! You could make it such a brilliant birthday adventure for your daughter. Life's short... if you can afford it go, on the holiday, celebrate with your friend! Especially as there's been no opportunity for that for a long time.

Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 21:45

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Go on your own. You’re an adult. Why are you making a 2.5 hour flight sound like a trek across the Hindu Kush?
I could go alone, thats another option as I outlined above, doesn't really solve the conundrum - are you usually so easily irritated by posts on here? Or is that part of the fun?
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Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 21:45

@miltonj

Definitely go! You could make it such a brilliant birthday adventure for your daughter. Life's short... if you can afford it go, on the holiday, celebrate with your friend! Especially as there's been no opportunity for that for a long time.
Well that's true - there's been enough staying at home lately!!
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Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 21:47

@BrimfulOfBaba

I know I'm going against the grain here a bit but if she is a friend who means a lot to you surely a bit of faff to support her is just part of being a friend? There are solutions as you and others have mentioned. How much faff is enough to honour the friendship?

Also if you were in her shoes and she were in yours, would you be hurt if she didn't come?

I wouldn't be hurt at all, I got married locally and still honestly didn't mind if people declined, several did. But you make a good point, she is a good friend to me and definitely worth a faff.
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ElderMillennial · 12/06/2021 21:48

@Playdoughcaterpillar

If you want to go either make a little holiday out of it and do something nice on DD birthday or travel early on the day just you and DH. If you don't want to go, don't. It's an invite not a summons as they say!
This is what I was going to say. You could make a trip of it. The children can deal with being at a wedding just as they would if it were in the UK. It doesn't have to be a problem that it's your child's birthday. You can celebrate as part of the trip.

But if you don't want to go then don't go. It's abroad and will be costly so you have enough reasons to legitimately say no.

Original poster
Cinni23 · 12/06/2021 21:53

@Unsubscribed

If you want to go and can find a way to afford it I would go. DD's birthday you can work around, that wouldn't stop me . I agree with PP its refreshing to see a wedding thread where DC are invited, worth making the effort
I hadn't actually thought about it like that before posting, it's so true - most weddings do seem to be kid free now. It was so lovely of them to invite dc. My first instinct when they first set the date was to go either alone or just with dh but they might not get invited to another wedding for years. There will be plenty of other kids there too by the sounds of it.
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FinallyHere · 12/06/2021 22:00

It's important to her.

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your family. It's only fair to point out, though, that anyone who chooses a wedding abroad is not prioritising having their nearest and dearest there with them.

Sssloou · 12/06/2021 22:10

3 out of 4 of my DCs Bdays are in July or August - we are always away for one of their birthdays ...... it’s always exciting and unique and importantly memorable.

I would def build a holiday around it, add in the Bday, then the wedding .... triple the fun.

If it’s a wedding from where she or her family are from then I always prioritise attending such events as you have a wonderful opportunity to participate and be immersed in an authentic cultural experience.

Lucky you. I have never regretted travelling to a wedding.

buckeejit · 12/06/2021 22:49

I'd be upset if one of my very good friends found it too much effort to come to my wedding even though they could afford the time/money/stress of it.

Weddings can be a royal pita or one of the utter joys of life. Sounds like you can pick however you choose to view this one.

Ask your children if they want to go & would dd like to spend her birthday on an airplane to a faraway land & get to wear a posh dress to a wedding?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/06/2021 23:02

I could go alone, thats another option as I outlined above, doesn't really solve the conundrum - are you usually so easily irritated by posts on here? Or is that part of the fun?

Bloody hell, talk about OTT.

EnfieldRes · 13/06/2021 10:57

anyone who chooses a wedding abroad is not prioritising having their nearest and dearest there with them.

Exactly

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/06/2021 11:04

I’d go. She’s a good friend. She’s invited you all. I’d go with dh and dcs and make an enjoyable holiday out of it.

I expect she knows she has no right to be upset if you don’t go, and she wouldn’t blame you for it. I’d make the effort though.

wildseas · 13/06/2021 11:23

My gut feeling would be to go on my own.

For dd’s birthday I would plan a fun day trip /theme park etc with dinner afterwards and then have them drop you at the airport on the way home for a late flight.

Have a lovely day on your own at the wedding, a chilled day and then fly back afterwards.....

Greytminds · 13/06/2021 11:28

I’d definitely go but then I like traveling, enjoy weddings and would put myself out for good friends in a heartbeat. Not that I’d find it a hardship to go abroad to to a wedding if it was not too far and within my budget. As PP said, it’s great that kids are invited. If she’d said no children then I’d likely decline in the same situation as we’d struggle for childcare for that length of time.

Hagqueen · 13/06/2021 11:32

I agree with combining it with a holiday - I remember my sister having a birthday abroad and loving it and the fuss! As for the wedding, if there are other kids, surely yours won’t be bored for tbe whole day? Every kid friendly wedding I’ve been to has been total stranger kids becoming best friends for the day and causing mayhem (and I love it personally!)

Original poster
Cinni23 · 13/06/2021 19:23

@Hagqueen

I agree with combining it with a holiday - I remember my sister having a birthday abroad and loving it and the fuss! As for the wedding, if there are other kids, surely yours won’t be bored for tbe whole day? Every kid friendly wedding I’ve been to has been total stranger kids becoming best friends for the day and causing mayhem (and I love it personally!)
Good point, that was one of my favourite parts of my wedding, all the kids who had never met before becoming friends and running round together.
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Original poster
Cinni23 · 13/06/2021 19:30

Just looked at the info that comes with the invitation and there is a lovely looking family - friendly hotel that is 15 min drive to the wedding venue and they are laying on coaches to and from there on the day. Just need to figure out costs now!

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