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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be frustrated he's busy with friends during the week of my birthday?

87 replies

101521a · 12/06/2021 16:09

For context - we're in our early 30s living in a pretty remote and rural area, maybe 2 hours away from each other. We've been together nearly a year now.

He really wanted to book a week long camping trip but I'm super busy with work just now and can't take time off with such short notice for this month. I suggested we book next month, or do a long weekend instead, and asked what if we go away the week of my birthday?

He said 'oh, well I'm busy most of that week'. Erm... OK. I asked what he'd be busy doing and he said he and his friends will be planning a BBQ and it will probably be that week. 'We've been talking about it for the last month or so but I just didn't want to invite you until it was a concrete thing'.

I'm feeling a bit put out by this to be honest. We had issues early in the relationship because he'd invite me to come spend the weekend at his - and then he'd go out with the female friends and leave me in his house. If I asked if I could come there was always some excuse - 'Oh, I've booked a table and there won't be space for you', 'Oh, so and so is leaving town so it would be awkward to bring you to the drinks'.

We had a huge talk about this and nearly broke up over it at the time. He promised to invite me and shared messages between him and a certain female friend where she's going 'show her these messages, we're all looking forward to meeting your new girlfriend!'. We then went into lockdown again and now, a full year into dating, I've met two of his friends once for one hour... we have both met each others whole families, so I don't really know what is going on with his friends?

He told me his ex had a major issue with the 'certain female friend' and was super jealous, and they'd had arguments about the female friend calling him late at night. That doesn't happen in our relationship, but he does seem to get quite frustrated with this female friend (for example, not answering his texts immediately, not going out on walks with him, etc).

I just find the whole thing pretty suss. I cancelled an event so I could spend a weekend away with my boyfriend 3 months into us dating, and he's not willing to spend time with me in favour of an event not even planned yet.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 12/06/2021 21:47

@101521a

Ooft some pretty intense responses... but I guess justifiably. Yeah I do ask myself the same, why would I do it? I think probably low self esteem and just the massive amounts of guilt I'd frequently feel (I'd walk into my bedroom to find him sobbing because we hadn't had sex in a week and he felt unattractive and unloved for example).

I have broken things off and think it was the right decision. Like I say I tried to break things off back in January but somehow got convinced into staying. I ended things maybe callously over text so I don't get drawn in again :/ He's already denying tons of stuff that was said and saying he could have shifted the BBQ if only I'd asked, and he's pretty sure he offered so I must not have been listening...

He's a pathetic manipulative dickhead to be crying over a lack of sex. You are now well rid of him. Block his number so he cannot manipulate you any more.

cadburyegg · 12/06/2021 21:48

Get rid

cadburyegg · 12/06/2021 21:49

Sorry, just seen your latest update.

You’re well shot of him. You deserve better. What a fuckwit

denverRegina · 12/06/2021 22:15

You walked in to find him sobbing because he hadn't had sex that week.

Fucks sake 😂.

Block and delete. You don't owe him any more

IAmAWomanNotACis · 12/06/2021 22:16

Gosh I am glad you have dumped him, the only prize he'd win is as a prize prick.

Please block him so that he can't continue to repaint reality at you. You owe him NOTHING in terms of explanations or apologies, secodn chances or whatever. I fear that you will get taken in by his bullshit and get drawn back in, and it won't end well.

Gently ... I encourage you to reflect on why you put up with his bullshit for as long as you did. There were several points in what you have told us that were HUGE red flags that a woman with a healthy sense of self respect and boundaries would have dumped and blocked him for. Please heal up well and don't put up with shit like this from the next man

Cockenspiel · 12/06/2021 22:16

Ask yourself: would you start sobbing when a partner walked into the room to guilt him into sex? Nope, because you’re not a giant manipulative man-baby.

You are so well rid of this absolute cockface.

Ourlady · 12/06/2021 22:17

Well done, don't be drawn back in. You deserve better.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 12/06/2021 22:19

he sounds like a manipulative, narcissistic, gaslighting utter bastard.

glad you dumped him.
I'd block him too.

Taliskerskye · 12/06/2021 22:23

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN
NOW
Jesus woman. WTAF are you thinking. If you continue you’re going to be fully fucked over by this cunt

Taliskerskye · 12/06/2021 22:25

Sorry I did actually read your messages. I didn’t read the last para I was so incensed !!

Congrats on getting him out of your life.
don’t let him back in

SunscreenCentral · 12/06/2021 22:43

Congratulations on getting your freedom back, you now can go on to meet someone lovely (after you've figured out why you tolerated this poor behaviour).
Block, then delete his number

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/06/2021 22:44

"We had issues early in the relationship because he'd invite me to come spend the weekend at his - and then he'd go out with the female friends and leave me in his house. If I asked if I could come there was always some excuse - 'Oh, I've booked a table and there won't be space for you', 'Oh, so and so is leaving town so it would be awkward to bring you to the drinks'."

I was already asking myself 'why has she not binned him?' when I read that. When I got to "I'd walk into my bedroom to find him sobbing because we hadn't had sex in a week" I was thinking 'thank fuck he's two hours away!'

Block him on every possible channel. And then - your priority has to be to work on your self-esteem. Think through what has led you to having so little, and work on loving yourself a bit more.

unwuthering · 12/06/2021 23:19

@Taliskerskye

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN NOW Jesus woman. WTAF are you thinking. If you continue you’re going to be fully fucked over by this cunt

Truer words were never spoken.

Fuckers like this will make mincemeat of your self-esteem.

Claphands · 13/06/2021 06:28

You won’t regret dumping this user, he was using you for sex whilst he waited around for his female friend who wasn’t interested but likes the attention IMO.

Go and arrange a great birthday now you’re shot of him

HumansAreShocking · 13/06/2021 07:17

He’s not that into you. Have some self respect and find someone better

MRex · 13/06/2021 07:32

It must be an amazing BBQ to go on all week long!

Good job binning him OP. He's now lying to you like crazy to get you back in the nasty box he put you in. Don't let him! Next time someone starts treating you like dirt, you start walking at that moment.

RugratMum · 13/06/2021 07:34

So glad you've dumped him, well done. Now, do not return. Block him so he can't gaslight you further.

TuMeke · 13/06/2021 07:34

Thank god you’ve dumped him OP. He sounds like a terrible person and basically a walking red flag - awful. But to echo PPs, it would be worth you now doing some serious work on improving your sense of what is normal and what you deserve from a relationship, so you don’t end up with another hideous manipulative bullshitting twat.

SmokeyDevil · 13/06/2021 07:37

Thank god you dumped him.

If a guy has a crazy ex that didn't like one of his female friends, there's probably a reason for that. The fact that he gets moody when she bails on him suggests he might like her as more than a friend.

But least you're free now.

SummerWhisper · 13/06/2021 08:05

You have done really well to finish with him and by text is all he deserves. Please do not have any further communication with him.

Now onto you: you have acknowledged that your self esteem is low. Most workplaces will provide access to free counselling. Please explore this tomorrow. You deserve to be the best version of yourself. You come across as so lovely. You are still young and you have a future. Invest in yourself for a while. Get to a better place so that you understand your worth. I am rooting for you

RoseGoldEagle · 13/06/2021 08:05

So glad to see your update. He sounds awful. You deserve a million times better OP.

7yo7yo · 13/06/2021 09:03

You should learn to value yourself. Dump him.

7yo7yo · 13/06/2021 09:04

Sorry op I missed some of your posts. Good for you. Onwards and upwards.

Whyhello · 13/06/2021 09:41

You shouldn’t be begging to spend time with him, if he was truly into you he’d want to spend a lot of his time with you particularly at this stage in the relationship. I don’t think he’s that into you I’m afraid and I’d be getting rid.

Whyhello · 13/06/2021 09:41

Oops, just seen the update too. Glad you’ve got rid!

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