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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be frustrated he's busy with friends during the week of my birthday?

87 replies

101521a · 12/06/2021 16:09

For context - we're in our early 30s living in a pretty remote and rural area, maybe 2 hours away from each other. We've been together nearly a year now.

He really wanted to book a week long camping trip but I'm super busy with work just now and can't take time off with such short notice for this month. I suggested we book next month, or do a long weekend instead, and asked what if we go away the week of my birthday?

He said 'oh, well I'm busy most of that week'. Erm... OK. I asked what he'd be busy doing and he said he and his friends will be planning a BBQ and it will probably be that week. 'We've been talking about it for the last month or so but I just didn't want to invite you until it was a concrete thing'.

I'm feeling a bit put out by this to be honest. We had issues early in the relationship because he'd invite me to come spend the weekend at his - and then he'd go out with the female friends and leave me in his house. If I asked if I could come there was always some excuse - 'Oh, I've booked a table and there won't be space for you', 'Oh, so and so is leaving town so it would be awkward to bring you to the drinks'.

We had a huge talk about this and nearly broke up over it at the time. He promised to invite me and shared messages between him and a certain female friend where she's going 'show her these messages, we're all looking forward to meeting your new girlfriend!'. We then went into lockdown again and now, a full year into dating, I've met two of his friends once for one hour... we have both met each others whole families, so I don't really know what is going on with his friends?

He told me his ex had a major issue with the 'certain female friend' and was super jealous, and they'd had arguments about the female friend calling him late at night. That doesn't happen in our relationship, but he does seem to get quite frustrated with this female friend (for example, not answering his texts immediately, not going out on walks with him, etc).

I just find the whole thing pretty suss. I cancelled an event so I could spend a weekend away with my boyfriend 3 months into us dating, and he's not willing to spend time with me in favour of an event not even planned yet.

OP posts:
Nonmaquillee · 12/06/2021 17:03

I stopped when you said that you drove to his place (two hours away?) and he’d go out with other friends and leave you in his house. What the hell?!?!?! The first time that happened, I would have driven straight home and never seen him again. Unbelievable.

HowManyToes · 12/06/2021 17:05

I've ended up sleeping with him with a UTI just to feel less guilty and then ended up on antibiotics with a kidney infection LOL

Yeah, LOL. Hysterical 🙄 for fucks sake.

Bin him and raise your standards.

Viviennemary · 12/06/2021 17:06

You turned down going on the camping trip. So he made other plans. Can't see whst he's done wrong.

VeganCheesePlease · 12/06/2021 17:06

@101521a

Just to reply - yes I believe he plans to spend the actual birthday day with me. But we haven't actually planned anything for said day, so...

I guess I was just looking for some second opinions. Unfortunately there's some other things a bit awry (pressurising me for sex, moping when I'm not in the mood, I've ended up sleeping with him with a UTI just to feel less guilty and then ended up on antibiotics with a kidney infection LOL. He does not seem to understand that the pressure and making me have sex I'm not enjoying isn't really conducive to feelings of sexual desire from me?)

Get rid of him!! Why are you putting up with all this shite?
JustDanceAddict · 12/06/2021 17:09

@101521a

Just to reply - yes I believe he plans to spend the actual birthday day with me. But we haven't actually planned anything for said day, so...

I guess I was just looking for some second opinions. Unfortunately there's some other things a bit awry (pressurising me for sex, moping when I'm not in the mood, I've ended up sleeping with him with a UTI just to feel less guilty and then ended up on antibiotics with a kidney infection LOL. He does not seem to understand that the pressure and making me have sex I'm not enjoying isn't really conducive to feelings of sexual desire from me?)

He sounds vile.
Viviennemary · 12/06/2021 17:10

I completely misread your post and didnt read it properly. Sorry. Blush He is a complete and utter waste of space and selfish inconsiderate and very cheeky. You need to end it.

Notaroadrunner · 12/06/2021 17:12

I'm feeling a bit put out by this to be honest. We had issues early in the relationship because he'd invite me to come spend the weekend at his - and then he'd go out with the female friends and leave me in his house. If I asked if I could come there was always some excuse - 'Oh, I've booked a table and there won't be space for you', 'Oh, so and so is leaving town so it would be awkward to bring you to the drinks

That is the point where you should have binned him off. All is not lost - dump him now and find someone who actually respects you.

Nicolastuffedone · 12/06/2021 17:12

‘A kidney infection LOL’ what was funny about it? He’s awful! Dump him…

LittleBirdBlu · 12/06/2021 17:16

Oh goodness, you are worth so much more than this! Please dump this piece of shit, he does not value or respect you AT ALL!!

AlternativePerspective · 12/06/2021 17:18

I can sort of understand how someone could end up in this kind of relationship with someone they live with. After all these things often build gradually.

But a relationship with someone where A, you don’t live together, B, is long distance, and C, the red flags are waving from the outset? Do you have that little self respect that you’re prepared to put up with this?

As he lives two hours away it’s pretty easy to just tell him he’s dumped. It’s not even as if you’re likely to run into him again.

Raise your standards.

WildfirePonie · 12/06/2021 17:44

LOL @ kidney infection... really?

You can't be that desperate surely?

You went to his house and then he went out with a female friend and you decided to stay anyway?!

IdblowJonSnow · 12/06/2021 17:48

Dodgy as hell. Bin him.

Even if nothing is going on he's just not that bothered OP.

If it were me I wouldn't let me talk him around this time.

My DH always wanted to hang out with his female mates which I found tedious (as a few of them weren't very nice) but I was invited at least.

Teacupsandtoast · 12/06/2021 17:50

You've text him and told him he's dumped now, yes?

Chikapu · 12/06/2021 17:51

(pressurising me for sex, moping when I'm not in the mood, I've ended up sleeping with him with a UTI just to feel less guilty and then ended up on antibiotics with a kidney infection LOL

Ah yes, it's hysterical to have painful sex with a moping fuckwit and end up on antibiotics. Comedy gold.

Nanny0gg · 12/06/2021 17:57

@101521a

Just to reply - yes I believe he plans to spend the actual birthday day with me. But we haven't actually planned anything for said day, so...

I guess I was just looking for some second opinions. Unfortunately there's some other things a bit awry (pressurising me for sex, moping when I'm not in the mood, I've ended up sleeping with him with a UTI just to feel less guilty and then ended up on antibiotics with a kidney infection LOL. He does not seem to understand that the pressure and making me have sex I'm not enjoying isn't really conducive to feelings of sexual desire from me?)

Why are you with him?
Tina221 · 12/06/2021 18:01

"I've ended up sleeping with him with a UTI just to feel less guilty and then ended up on antibiotics with a kidney infection LOL"

He is vile. Please dump him.

MerryDecembermas · 12/06/2021 18:03

Please get some help with your self esteem. The more you post the more this just sounds awful! Bin him off without a second thought! But more importantly get yourself some help.

miltonj · 12/06/2021 18:04

Oh get rid of him he sounds rude and cruel.

AnotherEmma · 12/06/2021 18:07

FFS woman raise your standards and work on your self esteem. You should have ended it a long time ago.

Nextchapterofmybook · 12/06/2021 18:07

He’s not that into you. You deserve better. Move on

Reloxa · 12/06/2021 20:02

I've been in relationships like this OP. Looking back I feel very sad that that was all I felt I deserved. Please leave him, he is treating you like shit.

Wegobshite · 12/06/2021 20:43

I just have one question
Why would you sleep with someone when you have a UTI and make yourself seriously ill because he was sulking because he wasn’t getting sex .

Just ask yourself that ....

My thoughts Your either a total idiot, a complete mug or your self esteem is so low it’s underneath the dog shit on the ground

Why are you so desperate for this vile piece of shit .
Raise your standards
Though to be honest you won’t have to raise them that high to get a bloke better than him

Original poster
101521a · 12/06/2021 20:50

Ooft some pretty intense responses... but I guess justifiably. Yeah I do ask myself the same, why would I do it? I think probably low self esteem and just the massive amounts of guilt I'd frequently feel (I'd walk into my bedroom to find him sobbing because we hadn't had sex in a week and he felt unattractive and unloved for example).

I have broken things off and think it was the right decision. Like I say I tried to break things off back in January but somehow got convinced into staying. I ended things maybe callously over text so I don't get drawn in again :/ He's already denying tons of stuff that was said and saying he could have shifted the BBQ if only I'd asked, and he's pretty sure he offered so I must not have been listening...

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 12/06/2021 21:00

(I'd walk into my bedroom to find him sobbing because we hadn't had sex in a week and he felt unattractive and unloved for example).

Dear god, classic manipulation!

I have broken things off

Thank god, he sounds like an idiot and you should never have accepted him going out and leaving you home alone, that was batshit!

Sssloou · 12/06/2021 21:46

Block then delete is number is the next step - can you do that?