AIBU to not think I can work?

[foibles2011]

I know this is going to get some mixed responses! Trust me I'm extremely mixed up about it which is what has led to the post.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition which has now been classified as lupus which makes daily living in general with 2 young children hard. When I was diagnosed I was not working as we had just moved area and due to how ill I've been and constantly changing medications, covid etc I haven't worked since.

Now though my husband is pressuring me to go back to work (I was an early years teacher). I honestly don't feel that I can, I struggle just looking after the house and kids. I've looked into part time work etc but feel that it would just be too much. Even going on an extra walk one day can throw me into an illness flare as it is.

But my husband keeps reminding me how unfair it is that all the financial responsibility is on him and how much easier our lives would be if I was bringing money in - the guilt is awful.

I've been looking at career changes, studying something new, minimal hours, anything but my honest feeling is that adding more to what I'm already doing will make me more ill BUT by not working I'm unfairly pressuring my husband financially and not contributing, there's so much more we could do if I bought in money. The stress is really getting to me.

I keep making excuses to avoid an all out no so AIBU?? Should I try harder?

Xxxx

Do you get any sickness or disability benefits?

Can you claim PIP?

I would say if you're that unwell disability/PIP etc should be enough for him.
It's a contribution end of.

@JewelGarden

Do you get any sickness or disability benefits?

I'm just in the process of applying for PIP - its been about 20 weeks since the application went in x

I don’t think SAH can work well unless both partners are OK with it.

Your H isn’t U not to want to be the sole earner long term.

It’s obviously hard to work with a chronic health condition, but not impossible. Paid work can have some health benefits, and obviously other benefits such as financial independence.

Returning to your previous occupation is one option, there will be others.

You could do everything possible to feel well, and your H actively support that. H should do a fair share of parenting and domestic work, now and when you return to paid work.

Could you find something that enables you to work from home ?

If by studying you mean higher education, for more than a short term, part time course, that doesn’t sound feasible: most couples can’t afford that - actual costs and opportunity cost of one person not working.

I do understand where your husband is coming from, but I’m in a similar situation, except I work 3 days per week. I’m in the early stages of investigation etc, and, at the moment, am not able to get disability benefits or anything.

What I will say is that I feel I sacrifice far too much to work those 3 days. I’m so exhausted on my days off that I can barely stand. My house is an absolute state. My child deserves to go on days out, or even to the park, but I’m barely fit to take him.

If you can get by financially without working, I would encourage you to seriously consider staying at home. Perhaps your GP could help explain to your husband how difficult it would be for you to work?

If you have lupus you shouldn't be teaching unless remotely in the current climate. You're vulnerable. I feel very strongly about this as my adult son is also vulnerable and hasn't been allowed by the hospital to leave his house or have visitors for over a year.

Are you in uk? I would advise looking at ESA and PIP for long term chronic illness and disability. It doesn’t seem that work is an option for you. You may be able to mentally do a job, but the physical practicalities seems that sustaining any job would be almost impossible as you couldn’t commit to it.

It needs to be a joint decision for you to opt out of earning anything where you need his financial support. It sounds like the children are of school age so no reason not to do something during the day to ease the pressures on him.

It’s also the long term picture, your children will benefit from the extra income in many ways, you will have the means of some financial independence in the future should things go wrong, a pension etc.

I think your DH is unreasonable. money over health? just no

Early years education is an unbelievably demanding job. I have no additional needs and I am exhausted from small children all day and their differing requirements
Is there any way you could use your experience in this area to earn money without direct contact with the children.

I have no knowledge of lupus so can’t comment on that but perhaps the way to test if you can manage a job is to try and increase your level of activity and see what happens - whether that be a temporary job, some volunteering, starting an online course etc. You may find you can manage more than you think or your DH might realise you’re doing as much as you can already. But you both sound entrenched in what you think you can cope with, so perhaps you need to see what would happen in practice before making a decision.

Are your children of school age?

I don't know anything about your condition but if you're too ill to work I'm not really sure what you can do, and I would expect your husband to understand that. Why does he think you can work? Does he not think you are as unwell as you feel?

This is a difficult one, if you’re ill then obviously working is a lot, but conversely I’d be super worried about putting all responsibilities on my husband.

What about looking at becoming a virtual assistant?

Have you looked at the ‘make £10 a day’ threads on here. They helped me when I was on unpaid maternity leave, it’s all work from home stuff.

I just want to wish you well and hope you get your claim. I am not familiar with the system and have chronic health issues. I was turned down despite gp and other specialist being supportive and sending letters, so if this happens appeal. Get help with your forms.
I eventually got something but it took time.
It is wrong that you are under pressure to do what you are not able.
Possibly your specialist or gp could speak to your husband. It may be worth joining an online support group who could give advice and support .

As some one who I chronically ill I don't think the aibu thread is a great place for this post. You will get people who have absolutely no idea how sick you are telling you that unless you died a week ago, then you should be out working. The best bet is to discuss any return to work with your specialist, maybe have a chat with an accupational ot and see what is available to make work easier.

I don't think some posters understand how debilitating lupus is OP. You may be able to self manage your symptoms and do some part time work but at this point your husband needs to adjust his expectations as he would if you suddenly developed a neurological disability for instance. When someone is ill, they can't work.

Lots of empathy for you @foibles2011 I have a very serious health issue, and my GP has often told me everyone else uses it as a reason not to work, even though by far I’m higher on the ‘spectrum’ of symptoms and complications. Mine involved both an auto-immune disorder, 2-3 surgeries a year and ongoing treatment. I’ve also had cancer surgeries in the past, and gone back to work.

My honest answer is this. It was very hard. As a single parent I didn’t want my dc raised on benefits, I didn’t want to leave the home I owned which we couldn’t maintain on disability benefits. It was bloody hard when I was in the thick of it. I never wish anyone into that position. I was too sick to work. We need a robust system of benefits and supports.

Having said that, my cousin has a much milder auto immune response currently (lupus also and yes certainly can get worse over time) and holidays in Australia and Canada, has nights out with friends, parents her two dc. She doesn’t work because of her lupus yet I honestly think she could. If you can holiday, if you can go out and do things like shop, socialize etc then I think you can work if you can move through what feels hard. That includes what worries you and what seems overwhelming. When I met with the cancer nurse years ago who provided emotional support, she said that often the barrier to return to work is mental health, but that often it does good for health overall. She mentioned disproportionately that they see this among their patients. Maybe not working 60 hours/week but part time, starting slowly and building up. Being successful at 8 hours a week helps give the message that your diagnosis doesn’t define you. You can lead a full life as you are doing @foibles2011 and I think that can be good. The practice nurse at my surgery has significant disabilities and I always think of the many choices she’s made to be where she is. Though I doubt it is always easy. In her case her disability makes it hard to clean, so one thing she does with a portion of her income is hire cleaners to do the deep cleaning like bathrooms, floors etc.

What about a part time role in a school? A TA as opposed to a teacher with full responsibilities. I have a couple teacher friends who went into part time TA roles, one at a fee paying school where she works only with 3 children x 3 am’s week. She has 9 hours direct work with dc and is paid for 3 hours prep/communication with parents so 12 hours/week. She says the financial benefit alone made her mental health better, and hopes in next year to go up to 18 hours/week.

Not everyone can work. I support the benefit system fully. I vote with those who are most vulnerable in mind. I also think that where possible, working through fears and accommodation needs, can create a really positive way forward with people to be able to work and not get stuck in a diagnosis defining them. People with disabilities can lead full lives (with and without work), and need the support to do so.

Lupus has flair ups, occasionally that may mean time off. But I worry about making a decision about 52 weeks a year x say 20 years until retirement, based on possibly 4 ish weeks that work wouldn’t be possible. You just don’t know until you try. You may be surprised.

Wishing you well.