AIBU to not think I can work?

[foibles2011]

I know this is going to get some mixed responses! Trust me I'm extremely mixed up about it which is what has led to the post.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition which has now been classified as lupus which makes daily living in general with 2 young children hard. When I was diagnosed I was not working as we had just moved area and due to how ill I've been and constantly changing medications, covid etc I haven't worked since.

Now though my husband is pressuring me to go back to work (I was an early years teacher). I honestly don't feel that I can, I struggle just looking after the house and kids. I've looked into part time work etc but feel that it would just be too much. Even going on an extra walk one day can throw me into an illness flare as it is.

But my husband keeps reminding me how unfair it is that all the financial responsibility is on him and how much easier our lives would be if I was bringing money in - the guilt is awful.

I've been looking at career changes, studying something new, minimal hours, anything but my honest feeling is that adding more to what I'm already doing will make me more ill BUT by not working I'm unfairly pressuring my husband financially and not contributing, there's so much more we could do if I bought in money. The stress is really getting to me.

I keep making excuses to avoid an all out no so AIBU?? Should I try harder?

Xxxx

Your dh shouldn't be putting this pressure on you. You are ill and contributing in childcare and housework, both of which make it easier for him to work.

I became a carer for two of my kids, one with two serious autoimmune conditions and another with significant neuro disability. Like you, I was a professional who had trained hard for my career, loved it and had lots of experience.

We struggle financially but reduced our mortgage by moving and pull together as a team.

Tell your dh that you need him to earn more money given that you do all the childcare/housework. See how he likes the pressure, wanker.

@MrsBobDylan

Your dh shouldn't be putting this pressure on you. You are ill and contributing in childcare and housework, both of which make it easier for him to work.

I became a carer for two of my kids, one with two serious autoimmune conditions and another with significant neuro disability. Like you, I was a professional who had trained hard for my career, loved it and had lots of experience.

We struggle financially but reduced our mortgage by moving and pull together as a team.

Tell your dh that you need him to earn more money given that you do all the childcare/housework. See how he likes the pressure, wanker.

Don't you think he already has pressure? He has a sick wife, two children, a job. He can't risk getting ill or the house of cards comes tumbling down.

Carers get little care, they are taken for granted by authorities, societies and sometimes by the people they care for.

If you pull together as a team that is great but that isn't how it always is and remember you and your husband are presumably both well, would he feel more pressure if you were ill and the "pulling together" was less balanced.

I say this after many years of caring, 30 in fact. I'd say to people when you speak to carers sometimes ask how they are, it is nice that you ask about the sick partner, parent, child but just occasionally having someone recognise you are also a human being with feelings and needs is nice.

The feeling from some of the replies is that the op is ‘too ill’ to work so no pressure should be put on her to do so and her DH should do even more around the house. The pressure that must put on him will be huge. What if it leads to unhappiness or mental health problems which mean he is ‘too ill’ to work?

Have you tried to work part time-supply teaching once a week perhaps-see what it’s like? It might bring in some money and take some of the pressure off.

Very difficult we are undergoing something similar except I'm now the only earner. DH was also to unwell to do much round the house. He now can and has started to do more. As the main earner and carer it's very Very hard and perhaps he's just struggling to cope have you asked him how he's feeling? I was.signed off by my GP with stress que a long chat with dh and counselling. It.made me realise I couldn't do it all. Dh had to do a bit. Perhaps a conversation with your dh about how he's feeling may help you both. Also pip and dsa but depending on how long you've taught is ill health retiment from teacher pension and option for some income. You only have to be unable/ unfit to teach not work.for one of them. It's not much but every penny ..

TBH I think he is probably stressed, and it is difficult being the sole earner in a case like this .However he needs to realise that piling pressure on you wont help you very much with your health! If you did manage to work outside the home ,will he step up for the house chores for example? I would say as much to him .Obv in usual circumstances many (not all) both parents would be at work .These are not usual circumstances though and I think he is being unreasonable .If you are struggling for money can you get some sort of a disability allowance ?

There's no right or wrong answer. My aunt was diagnosed with lupus 30 years ago. She still works full time but now that's she's older, it's harder. She's ended up in hospital and had to take several months off three times in the last ten years. She also has a long 2 or 3 weeks off during a good year when she has a bad flare up. She has a very supportive employer and amazing colleagues who are always sympathetic but I imagine as a teacher it would be harder to find an employer who can cope with that sort of absence. Her husband is a builder so his workload can vary depending on the economic climate and she doesn't feel able to leave him dealing with the stress of being a sole earner. If he was in a salaried profession she'd probably be part-time.

I'm quite sad that your DH doesn't seem to appreciate that you are currently still rather unwell and struggling as you are!

Does he truly understand if you start working he will have to do far more at home?

Until there’s a decision made on your pip, I would say you should keep job hunting

I’m not saying you have to be a teacher - maybe a career change is necessary after becoming ill. Plenty of jobs are home working based now, these range from basic admin roles to more specialised/highly paid roles in finance, IT etc. I’m sure you can find something that could work for you to minimise the risk to your health. Home working means that you won’t have to travel or walk any extra and you’re in a comfortable, safe environment.

You could even consider setting up your own business eg teaching English as a second language, tutoring, or something with regard to any hobbies that you’re passionate about

@RandomMess

I'm quite sad that your DH doesn't seem to appreciate that you are currently still rather unwell and struggling as you are!

Does he truly understand if you start working he will have to do far more at home?

Maybe he is struggling and needs a bit of support It doesn't have to be one or the other, sometimes both parties need support.