AIBU to not think I can work?

[foibles2011]

I know this is going to get some mixed responses! Trust me I'm extremely mixed up about it which is what has led to the post.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition which has now been classified as lupus which makes daily living in general with 2 young children hard. When I was diagnosed I was not working as we had just moved area and due to how ill I've been and constantly changing medications, covid etc I haven't worked since.

Now though my husband is pressuring me to go back to work (I was an early years teacher). I honestly don't feel that I can, I struggle just looking after the house and kids. I've looked into part time work etc but feel that it would just be too much. Even going on an extra walk one day can throw me into an illness flare as it is.

But my husband keeps reminding me how unfair it is that all the financial responsibility is on him and how much easier our lives would be if I was bringing money in - the guilt is awful.

I've been looking at career changes, studying something new, minimal hours, anything but my honest feeling is that adding more to what I'm already doing will make me more ill BUT by not working I'm unfairly pressuring my husband financially and not contributing, there's so much more we could do if I bought in money. The stress is really getting to me.

I keep making excuses to avoid an all out no so AIBU?? Should I try harder?

Xxxx

Can you do online tutoring? And flex how many hours you work depending on health? So many children have had basic education disrupted, wondered if you can provide additional support through an agency and manage maybe a couple of hours a week with one client and see how you go?

Can he take more of childcare and housework? You say you can’t imagine doing that as well as a job - but if you’re both working, those things should be shared.

If he’s not willing to share childcare and housework, it doesn’t sound like you’ll have the extra energy to work. And that is a contribution to the home.

To add to my comment above, just know work doesn’t define how successful you are.

Good suggestion above to tutoring too. One of my dc works with a tutor who has significant disabilities and couldn’t go back to full time teaching. She charges £25/hour and is brilliant.

I have lupus. And Addison’s, asthma, pituitary issues and other things. There is no way I can work. I haven’t worked for 10 years (I’m 40). Lupus can be life threatening in extreme cases, I don’t think people understand it generally. I am on the highest rates of PIP indefinitely and luckily dh works full time and is very supportive so we just muddle through. One of our dc also has complex needs.

If you can’t work then you can’t. Don’t make yourself even more unwell by making yourself do it. Your dh should be more understanding. Lupus is very serious.

I have a family member with lupus so I know how much this can impact your life. BUT I also think you have a responsibility in life to support yourself. You cannot expect to rely solely on your dh especially as he is saying he doesn't want to do this. Can't you look for something to do at home. A friend who has an AI condition, was also a teacher and went into tutoring online. You can find something around what you previously did? I agree with your dh here, he will resent you if you place the entire burden on him if he doesn't want this. You also need to think long term. Are you saying that you don't want to work ever ? What would you do if dh leaves or starts treating you badly if he becomes resentful?

Op I have an auto immune diesease not dissimilar and it's managed with medication but it takes so much more than that so I know where your coming from.

I have dc but they're both teens so it's not such physical parenting.

I do work full time however am about to condense my hours into three longer days so I have four days.

One of them will be to settle down and get my energy back again but the other three to excercise more and do things for myself.

I really struggle working five days a week as everything is rammed into two days and I go bak to work feeling exhausted.
We couldn't run our house on one earning alone and I also need my financial independence but getting a balance is important to kee my condition under control and keep me well.

I've made changes in other areas in my life health wise which I'm seeing the benefit from.
Some days I've dragged myself up but it's getting easier.

Unfortunately it will cause resentment on your dh side which is never a good thing.
Mean you not talk about the compromise of working part time in a more sedentary role to see how you go?

If he feels your saying your not even going to try it's probably frustrating him.

@5475878237NC

I don't think some posters understand how debilitating lupus is OP. You may be able to self manage your symptoms and do some part time work but at this point your husband needs to adjust his expectations as he would if you suddenly developed a neurological disability for instance. When someone is ill, they can't work.

This.

Nobody here knows how ill you are. I can’t believe anyone would respond telling you to try harder or that you need to work - they just don’t know what you’re capable of.

Don’t take any silly advice from anybody who doesn’t live with chronic fatigue; they haven’t got a fucking clue.
If you can, get your husband to read some articles about lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and chronic fatigue. Don’t hold your breath though.
I remember the child-rearing years as the hardest years of my life. I was not able to complete my degree because lupus made me so ill and worked part time in menial jobs to bring in extra money. It was very , very hard.
Lupus comes and goes, for me the energy never really came back. Plan your working life with your disability in mind. Working part time from home is probably your best bet.
Inform yourself and learn to not take any notice from the ‘you don’t look ill’ brigade.
Take your supplements.

My Aunty has lupus, she works two days a week in a bank, behind the scenes. She struggles a lot.

I know very few couples these days who can manage for long on one wage-living costs are now very expensive and its clearly really stressful for your DH.

I’m presuming you are a qualified teacher-can you aim to do supply at least once a week to bring in some money? That way you won’t have the planning/assessment responsibilities but it won’t leave DH to shoulder the financial responsibility alone?

It's not your fault if you are too ill to work. Hopefully PIP will come through - chase it.

Sometimes the issue is that your DH is not seeing this. He is seeing how you were before and focusing on the issues the change in circs has created rather than seeing you as a very unwell person.

Perhaps, ask him to go through finances and see what could be reduced - can you downsize to reduce mortgage/rent costs for example.

You need to cut your cloth accordingly as a family unit. But, sadly, this sort of thing can split families as one party does not accept the changes that have impacted them.

Perhaps you can reflect on whether there are other things you could do that would not cause a flare up?

I don't know anything about your condition so would not presume to tell you whether you are well enough to work or not.

But I suppose that your dh does have quite a good understanding of it, and how it impacts you, since he lives with you and has watched you go through diagnosis and so on. Why does he think you are well enough to work? Hand on heart, would you work if you didn't have dh to financially support you? If you would, then he's got a point and you could look to work even one day a week and build up gradually. If not, then you need to have an honest discussion and he needs to decide whether he can accept it or not I guess.

Op how old are the kids? How much does he do around the house and with the kids?

If you decide that you’re not working, even part time, and he wants to split up-what would you do then?

In sickness and health surely?
Your DP sounds selfish.
And by the way I have been the only person working when my DP has been very ill. Its what you do for someone you love.

Ohh I feel for you, this sounds really hard. Could you look into something part time and from home? I have CFS and am unable to do the career I’ve trained for at the moment so that’s what I’m trying to do.

Ignore some of these posters Op, unless you've had an autoimmune illness that makes it impossible to get through the day when just doing basic tasks, then you've no right to comment on how you should be contributing and your husband is being very reasonable in requesting you to work, just no.

Are you on an optimum treatment plan? Has your rheumy explored every avenue on getting you on to newer drugs? I ask this because when I was put on biologics my life changed and I was able to manage more. That said if you've still got crippling fatigue and pain then your dh can just pipe down and accept the in sickness and health bit of your marriage and bloody well support you, as mine did.

Good luck with your PIP claim.

OP please don't read this thread. You know yourself being chronically ill means you can't live life like someone without an illness. But you are going to get a lot of stupid people saying you should work. Who cares if it makes you very ill and drives you to an early death, just get out there and work while half killing yourself.
There was a thread on MN yesterday telling a woman who uses a wheelchair that she was BU for being unhappy at being treated badly by a receptionist because she was disabled. Apparently she should just get used to it.
The level of disablism on MN at the moment is shocking. You will not get any useful help here.
My DP has a chronic illness and had to learn what he could resaonably manage. Constant exacerbations or flare ups help no one. You need to manage your condition and that includes being realistic about what you can do.
Might be worth seeing of the NHS or Lupus society run any self management courses. I do not know if these run for Lupus, I know they do for other conditions.

You are not well enough to work, of course Dh should stop pressurising you! Does he do anything to help you?

I have 16 medical conditions, many are rare and require complex hospital care. I am looking at my third major surgery soon in a matter of a few months. I home educate two children, and I work from home. I am a single parent. I am aware that, even vaccinated, I am at risk of a poor sickness record working for an employer. I am self employed in an online role that I can pace around medical circumstances. You are entitled to access to work grants if you want to set up self employed.