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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invite DGM to the wedding? Wwyd?

98 replies

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 09:44

My DM doesn't have a good relationship with her Mum. I get on well with both. My DM doesn't want me to invite my DGM to my wedding, because my DGM has a tendency to get tipsy at parties (often falling over, because she's not steady on her feet at the best of times!) My DM is afraid that she won't be able to relax and enjoy the day if my DGM is there (quite possibly true), because her role will become looking after her Mum, who also won't really know anyone else there.

I'm really torn about what is best. If I don't invite my DGM, then I can't see how I could invite my other Nan, or my aunt, who I would also really like to be there. They all live quite far away. My DP's view is that we should invite who we want, and that we're not responsible for other's behaviour from that point. We'd pay for a taxi for all 3 of the long distance family members (one of my DM's objections to the invite was having to arrange my DGM's travel), but otherwise it's up to both my DM and DGM how they behave.

Yabu - if it will spoil your DM's day, there's no way you should invite her.
Yanbu - invite whoever you want to your wedding.

Any advice much appreciated!

OP posts:

fabulousathome · 12/06/2021 11:51

Ask a very kind friend who would normally give you a wedding present or that you could babysit for in return (a few times).

Tell her/him that looking after your DGM on the wedding day is the very best present she/he could give you.

AmaryllisBloom · 12/06/2021 11:52

Honestly, this woman is an adult why is everyone pandering to her.

I also don’t understand why the DGM is being discussed as if she has no agency whatsoever. Why get lots of other people to run around after her? Why not ask her to help make your wedding a lovely day for everyone?

If she doesn’t want to help make sure everyone has a good day, then perhaps you have your answer.

reluctantbrit · 12/06/2021 11:53

I had this scenario woth my MIL and her mum. It was always a votile relationship and our wedding fell into a period of not speaking togehter.

But, MIL never tried to dictate how we interact with her unlike your DM.

We invited DGM. All went well, the ladies didn't speak to each other and we had a couple of curious questions from my side of the family afterwards. She left after the meal so no issues there.

FangsForTheMemory · 12/06/2021 11:56

Can you put these three ladies together at the same table? Would inviting them to lunch but not to the evening do be an option?

Inertia · 12/06/2021 11:56

I do think you need to invite the grandparents and aunt, but it isn’t fair to expect your mum to do the looking after, and a split-shift arrangement might become too complicated.

Does your GM have a responsible friend or relative who could come as a plus one?

If your GM won’t accept a formal carer, another option could be to pay the venue to employ one of their regular waiting staff to ‘host’ the elderly relatives throughout the day. They would then be able to ensure that drinks are very carefully managed.

Would your GM be staying in a hotel that’s part of the same venue? If so it would be fairly easy to arrange for a couple of members of staff to escort DGM to her room. If not you would need to prebook travel and ask a trusted friend or relative to accompany her, then come back.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/06/2021 12:04

@fabulousathome

Ask a very kind friend who would normally give you a wedding present or that you could babysit for in return (a few times).

Tell her/him that looking after your DGM on the wedding day is the very best present she/he could give you.

What if they find it very hard to say no if they don't want to? Take advantage of a 'very kind' friend. Nice

Also this, 'If your GM won’t accept a formal carer, another option could be to pay the venue to employ one of their regular waiting staff to ‘host’ the elderly relatives throughout the day. They would then be able to ensure that drinks are very carefully managed.'

These are all very inappropriate suggestions people!

Looubylou · 12/06/2021 12:07

If you want her there, invite her. Your mother is being unfair - it is your day not her's. Your mum should be focused on you and your STBDH being happy on the day -, and if that means GM being there, and kept under control, that is what I would be prepared to suffer, in her shoes. Unless of course your GM is consistently abusive and unpleasant, and has a history of spoiling all events. Then, she wouldn't be coming, for everyone's sake.

BarbarianMum · 12/06/2021 12:13

@AmaryllisBloom it's not about agency. The thing about people who drink/take drugs etc is that they promise all sorts of crap, tell you exactly what you want to hear and then, when it comes to it, they go ahead and do it anyway. So grandma can make all sorts of promises to the OP before hand and it will count for nothing.

autumnboys · 12/06/2021 12:20

I would absolutely hire a carer for the day, establish a back story and put them on duty. That way everyone can enjoy the day, including DGM. Have a lovely day

TellingBone · 12/06/2021 12:40

What are people who are suggesting carers for the day expecting said carer to do?

Physically prevent Granny going to the bar? Take her purse off her? Dash the glass of wine from her lips? Block all access to the dance floor? Or just whisper, 'I think you've had enough dear' every so often? If I were Granny I'd tell them to feck off.

I mean, think about it.

flippertygibbit · 12/06/2021 12:54

I'm with your DM - why should she be responsible for an adult she doesn't have much of a relationship with - she'd be as well not bothering to go. All well and good it's your day and you can invite who you want but you know what the outcome is going to be. Sorry, if your DGM can't respect her GD wedding and not get drunk and fall over then I wouldn't be bothered with her either. Stop enabling her !

Nohomemadecandles · 12/06/2021 13:01

There's absolutely no way my 90 year old gran would be ok with a carer at her grand daughter's wedding.

Nothing screams "we can't be bothered looking after you" more than hiring company for someone!

If your family really don't like her and you don't want to look after her and neither does your mum...

I know family dynamics can be odd but surely you can all put up with your own grandma for a day? A day that's supposed to be about love & family.

Roystonv · 12/06/2021 13:11

Can't believe some are saying your Mum should have to not only put her with her mum but potentially also devote the day to supervising her. Ffs it is a very special day to be mother of the bride and not a day to be spent worrying about someone you don't get on with demanding your time. Please do as other nicer posters have suggested and take that responsibility off your mum's shoulders and make sure your gran knows who is befriending her on the day. (Heavens mn now the mil hate is extending to mum's, do you have any concept how much in most cases your mum's love you, have some respect)

MichelleScarn · 12/06/2021 13:14

know family dynamics can be odd but surely you can all put up with your own grandma for a day? A day that's supposed to be about love & family.

Why can't this be on the DGM? Surely she should have enough love for her family not to get pissed and fall over?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 12/06/2021 13:28

I'm with your mum tbh. It's all very well your fiance saying to invite who you want, but what realistically is going to happen if your gran gets drunk and causes problems? Are you and your husband going to happily accept it if your mum says that you invited her, you deal with it? Are you going to interrupt your first dance or the best man's speech to sort gran out? More likely your mum won't let you do that because she loves you and wants you to have a nice wedding. So she'll end up getting lumbered with managing her, which is the very thing she wanted to avoid!

There's no way you can fairly ask other guests to manage her. It's not their responsibility and you can't trust that they will do it properly once they've had a few drinks. If I was spending money attending a wedding I wouldn't want to be looking after an adult who cannot be trusted to behave themselves. And you definitely can't not invite guests on your fiancé's side because of your problematic gran. That would be very unfair and would cause offence that your relationships won't recover from.
I think you should put your mum first.

CaraherEIL · 12/06/2021 13:30

I think your mum sounds lovely and has a right to celebrate her daughters day without looking after anyone else. She is the Mother of the Bride that is a really big moment for her. Organise other family members to take care of DGM or a plus one for your Gran with a friend who is more steady on their and won’t get plastered!
I think your DP is being abit insensitive to how important it is to have your mum able to share special moments with you on the day.
This is an important time in your life to share with your mum and she will want to be able to focus on you.

Quartz2208 · 12/06/2021 13:38

You can invite who you want that is correct and inviting this GM should not actually relate to whether you ask the others.

Reading between the lines your GM is a difficult woman who has made the life of her daughter tough - is that right?

So be honest to yourself what are the chances of your DGM being trouble at your wedding, at needing someone to make sure she is ok and potentially causing issues? Because if the answer to this is over 50/50 it isnt fair to expect your mum to sacrifice her experience of her daughters wedding.

This isnt though is it just an older lady who needs attention is it? Because that is different and of course not a reason to be invited.

Can I ask a question - how many things has her behaviour (separate to her age) spoilt things for your Mum

WallaceinAnderland · 12/06/2021 14:05

I know family dynamics can be odd but surely you can all put up with your own grandma getting drunk and falling over at your wedding, causing your mum to have to sacrifice her happiness to medically assist her on your wedding day? A day that's supposed to be about love & family

BarbarianMum · 12/06/2021 14:14

surely you can put up with your own grandma for a day

It's not just any day though is it? It's her dd's wedding day. And it sounds like mum has been putting up w granny and her problems for very many years.

sunflowerdaisies · 12/06/2021 14:20

I'd probably also hire someone to keep an eye on her, help her and the other older guests get drinks so that her's can be slowed and be there to help if she does drink too much.

I would not want to be responsible for anyone at a friend's wedding (bar maybe the ceremony and getting them to the reception venue) but would find it very hard to say no if asked.

00feckingbollocks · 12/06/2021 14:44

Does your grandmother have any self awareness about her behaviour? How old is she? Is she an alcoholic or just someone who gets carried away at big events? How would she respond if you asked her to tone it down a bit ( not well I imagine!)

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/06/2021 20:54

Unless someone's had a relative like this, its really impossible to imagine what it can be like. People who don't know them will buy them drinks if asked, or waiters will bring them what ever they want as they feel its rude to refuse and that will only make things more difficult. I was very lucky that a cousin was kind enough to deal with this person before it became a real issue and took them home, and I only found out the next day.

I understand your dilemma, but Your mum is telling you what the situation will be and although of course its your wedding, she's flagging up a problem to you well in advance. She knows your GDM best and the worry of this is already colouring the Big Day for her. Also, it would be sad if you had to sort it out yourself on the day and she's trying to avert that.
You cannot always trust other relatives to watch her that carefully and step in and deal with GDM, you might need someone who can be very firm about drinking or taking her back to her room if she's over done it. The good thing is that you have time to find a good solution and perhaps find someone who will tactfully act as her carer for the day and tactfully warn waiters in advance, that she cannot have unlimited alcohol. It will also save your GDM from being sad and embarrassed after the event.
If she does decide the journey is too much you could take her out with your DM for a special lunch to see the photos etc.?

VeganCheesePlease · 12/06/2021 21:10

Your Dm is being very unfair here. We all have that one family member who's a bit of a liability where drink is involved (mine is my very loved but silly BiL) and this is your wedding and your choice. Will it always be something you will regret if you don't invite your GM?

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