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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invite DGM to the wedding? Wwyd?

98 replies

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 09:44

My DM doesn't have a good relationship with her Mum. I get on well with both. My DM doesn't want me to invite my DGM to my wedding, because my DGM has a tendency to get tipsy at parties (often falling over, because she's not steady on her feet at the best of times!) My DM is afraid that she won't be able to relax and enjoy the day if my DGM is there (quite possibly true), because her role will become looking after her Mum, who also won't really know anyone else there.

I'm really torn about what is best. If I don't invite my DGM, then I can't see how I could invite my other Nan, or my aunt, who I would also really like to be there. They all live quite far away. My DP's view is that we should invite who we want, and that we're not responsible for other's behaviour from that point. We'd pay for a taxi for all 3 of the long distance family members (one of my DM's objections to the invite was having to arrange my DGM's travel), but otherwise it's up to both my DM and DGM how they behave.

Yabu - if it will spoil your DM's day, there's no way you should invite her.
Yanbu - invite whoever you want to your wedding.

Any advice much appreciated!

OP posts:

Evenstar · 12/06/2021 10:27

I think a plus one for your DGM would be a great idea, if she has an old friend they would probably really enjoy the day together. Then you could get someone to just keep an eye and as PP said order the taxi if things were getting out of hand.

MRex · 12/06/2021 10:27

Does DGM have a more stable friend or other relative who could look after her? Otherwise I'd ask bridesmaids, DH family etc to make sure she doesn't get lonely with shifts; if you split it then it isn't a big ask as they all have time to mingle with others too. Usher for the church and off to reception, DH family from arrival through the wedding breakfast (on a table with DH family not DM), Bridesmaid for the first part of the evening and another DH family member taking over later until dropping off in hotel room / taxi.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/06/2021 10:28

@StCharlotte what exactly does “Mother of the Bride” entail that would make it her day or busy with duties?

Original poster

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 10:30

@Howshouldibehave

because her role will become looking after her Mum

Is she correct in thinking this?

I think that she's correct that there's a risk DGM will need looking after to some extent. And my DM will then feel obligated to do that, because there's nobody else obvious to step in. Of course I would keep an eye out, but would also have a lot of other things on I guess! My DGM wouldn't accept having a formal carer, and her friends are all elderly too, and I don't think would be up for travelling (around 3 hour car drive).

My DP's view is that my DM's feeling of obligation is something she's putting on herself. Which I feel is a bit harsh- she's hardly going to just stand by while my DGM falls down stairs or something!

OP posts:

BillyIsMyBunny · 12/06/2021 10:32

You absolutely should be able to invite whoever you want to your wedding. That said, is there anybody your DGM could bring as a +1 so that there was somebody else there who she knew and who could take the pressure off your DM in terms of needing to look after her?

Original poster

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 10:33

@MRex

Thank you! Yes, I think this is going to be the answer - split it up between various people through the day.

OP posts:

RealhousewifeofStoke · 12/06/2021 10:35

Everybody needs a tipsy grandma at their wedding!

happinessischocolate · 12/06/2021 10:36

Make it someone's job to make sure DGM has drinks all day, and they can make sure they're low or no alcohol 😁

Confusedandshaken · 12/06/2021 10:38

All weddings /big family events need eccentric and/or tipsy relatives to provide stories to laugh over in later years.

This is your wedding. If you want your grandmother there then invite her. Tell your mum you have arranged for other people to keep an eye on your granny and don't seat them at the same table..or even the same side of the room!

Original poster

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 10:40

@RealhousewifeofStoke

Everybody needs a tipsy grandma at their wedding!

Haha well Stoke isn't a million miles away from the venue, so if you'd like to be DGM's +1 carer, feel free 😂.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 12/06/2021 10:40

If you invite dgm, maybe dm will decide not to come. (In which case you would have to get a carer in for dgm). Not your problem though. Invite who you want.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 12/06/2021 10:41

How much do you want your mum to enjoy herself? Are you close to her, is she a good mum?
Whilst I totally agree its not her day to dictate, seeing her enjoyment of her child's wedding will be greatly impacted by having someone to care for her, if you do love your mum I would be kind and respect her wishes.

If my dm has said this I wouldn't think twice unless I could hire a special carer for the day? So dm have a break?

MichelleScarn · 12/06/2021 10:41

Does dgm have capacity? Does she acknowledge her getting 'tipsy' and falling could impact the day?

Howshouldibehave · 12/06/2021 10:43

I think that she's correct that there's a risk DGM will need looking after to some extent. And my DM will then feel obligated to do that, because there's nobody else obvious to step in

I totally see her point, especially if they have a difficult relationship to begin with.

If your mum decides not to come, will you just leave your gran to fend for herself?

Original poster

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 10:43

@ICanSmellSummerComing

How much do you want your mum to enjoy herself? Are you close to her, is she a good mum? Whilst I totally agree its not her day to dictate, seeing her enjoyment of her child's wedding will be greatly impacted by having someone to care for her, if you do love your mum I would be kind and respect her wishes.

If my dm has said this I wouldn't think twice unless I could hire a special carer for the day? So dm have a break?

She's a fantastic Mum. I wouldn't want to ruin her day and would be absolutely gutted if she decided not to come because DGM was.

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 12/06/2021 10:43

Invite who you want, but If you’re paying for taxi then perhaps order it a little earlier… then your dm will know she has time without dgm . As only child regardless of other people looking after her she will be keeping an eye on her. Maybe the pretend alcohol as well? Rubbing vodka round rim of a glass with tonic in works!!!

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 12/06/2021 10:45

To be blunt; it’s not your mums wedding, it’s yours and while I understand her wanting to be able to relax and enjoy herself it’s not fair to expect you to not invite someone to your day based on that

Francescaisstressed · 12/06/2021 10:46

Was a bridesmaid for a freing witha similar issue and she asked me to help out, I was more than happy too and regular checked in on her took her to toilet etc. It didn't ruin my night and was lovely to see the bride relaxed and not worrying about her.

partyatthepalace · 12/06/2021 10:52

You need to invite who you want - your mum is being unfair.

Is there a way you can mitigate your granny’s drinking? Eg by giving her non alcoholic drinks after the first couple? Worth a try. But either way you need to remind your mum it’s your day not hers - it’s pretty shocking she is suggesting not inviting your granny just because it doesn’t suit her

diddl · 12/06/2021 10:53

Of course you should invite who you want, but as you say, your mum wouldn't be just able to ignore her mum would she?

It's also not really fair on anyone to be asked to be the designated watcher of an adult who might choose to drink too much & endanger themselves!

Is it the evening reception that's the "problem"?

Any chance she could just go to the ceremony & meal?

WallaceinAnderland · 12/06/2021 10:54

I don't think you should ask any of the other guests to take turns being on duty. It sounds like your DGM has entitled behaviour, thinking she can ruin your day, get drunk, fall over and make others look after her. If she can't be trusted to behave for one day then I wouldn't invite her.

Quartz2208 · 12/06/2021 10:55

I think you need to say to your mum you are inviting your man but she is in no way responsible and you will handle it

Can you look into maybe hiring someone to care for her for the day as well

FairyDusting · 12/06/2021 11:00

Personally if that was me I’d tell my Mum I was inviting her and she was welcome not to come if she didn’t want to be around her. She’s being horrifically unfair. It’s your wedding not hers!

Pugdogmom · 12/06/2021 11:01

As an ex carer, I would have loved to have caring duties to look after a potential tipsy Grandma at a wedding. 😂.

Original poster

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 11:03

@WallaceinAnderland

Oh no! The first few replies reassured me this was a simple problem to solve. More split responses now. Yes, DGM is not the easiest. And I absolutely have sympathy with my DM's concerns. Because I'm a step removed, I understand that it's an easier thing for me to accept my DGM's behaviour than it is for my DM.

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