Page 3 | Not invite DGM to the wedding? Wwyd?

Movingstressangst · 2021-06-12T08:44:17+00:00

My DM doesn't have a good relationship with her Mum. I get on well with both. My DM doesn't want me to invite my DGM to my wedding, because my DGM has a tendency to get tipsy at parties (often falling over, because she's not steady on her feet at the best of times!) My DM is afraid that she won't be able to relax and enjoy the day if my DGM is there (quite possibly true), because her role will become looking after her Mum, who also won't really know anyone else there. I'm really torn about what is best. If I don't invite my DGM, then I can't see how I could invite my other Nan, or my aunt, who I would also really like to be there. They all live quite far away. My DP's view is that we should invite who we want, and that we're not responsible for other's behaviour from that point. We'd pay for a taxi for all 3 of the long distance family members (one of my DM's objections to the invite was having to arrange my DGM's travel), but otherwise it's up to both my DM and DGM how they behave. Yabu - if it will spoil your DM's day, there's no way you should invite her. Yanbu - invite whoever you want to your wedding. Any advice much appreciated!

BarbarianMum · 12/06/2021 11:03

I think it would be really sad if your mum couldn't enjoy your wedding day, being the mother of the bride is not nothing. If you think you can make alternative arrangements for people to care for your gran then by all means go ahead and invite her but the reality is that they will likely agree and then forget about it, or your gran will want to stay near your mum anyway if she's the only one she knows.

AmyDudley · 12/06/2021 11:07

Definitely invite who you want - it's your wedding and I imagine it would damage your relationship with your GM if she was left out.
My appalling XH was invited to our son's wedding- it never occurred to me to request he wasn't - my sister niece and DD kept an eye on him and made sure he didn't do anything stupid or be nasty to me (or worse try to wrap his arm round me and claim it was all happy families). Also my son gave him the 'important job' of taking lots of photos at the register office and at the party, so he was kept busy. It meant I could relax and enjoy the wedding.

Nothing kicked off, - only one small incident which my sister dealt with quickly and efficiently - and a good time was had by all. XH sat with his sister and his BIL, so he wasn't left out on a limb either.

Snaketime · 12/06/2021 11:08

OP it is your day not your mums. What scenario will ruin YOUR day more? Your DGM being at your wedding, getting a bit tipsy and your mum having to look after her, or your DGM not being there at all?

ProcrastinationStation3 · 12/06/2021 11:12

Removing the question of your other DGM and aunt, and your DM's feelings on the matter, do YOU want her there?

If you do, like others have said ask a few people to look after her on the day, if you're having bridesmaids/best man/ushers I think jobs like this are the key part of the role personally, if you aren't having any ask a few trusted friends.

If you don't want her there though (if you'd be worried about her) then just don't have her - it doesn't mean you can't still invite the other DGM and aunt anyway.

MustardRose · 12/06/2021 11:15

Put your aunt and other nan on DGM monitoring duty on the day, and invite her. You can't leave her out.

knittingaddict · 12/06/2021 11:16

Of course you can invite your other nan and aunt, but I can't see that getting tipsy and falling over is such a terrible thing. I've never been that tipsy in my life, but do you mean tipsy or very drunk? There is a difference.

For what it's worth we didn't invite my mil to our wedding 35 years ago (my husband's choice). Other family members could have looked after her, but she was a loose cannon and it would have been miserable and stressful for everyone. We still had my family there and the rest of my husband's family. There were very good reasons why she wasn't invited and I don't regret that decision at all.

What do you want to do? That's the only thing that matters.

PaleBlueMoonlight · 12/06/2021 11:17

Will DGM expect it to be DM who helps her? Will DGM expect to “hang out” with DM? Will DGM accept someone she doesn’t really know helping her?

cheeseismydownfall · 12/06/2021 11:18

I might be your DM in 10 years time. I have a difficult relationship with my mother following a pretty crappy childhood. She is very socially awkward and quite embarrassing when drunk (which thankfully is rare). We get on OK when it is just us or close family, but if I'm honest I absolutely hate socialising with her and would avoid it where possible.

However she is a very loving grandmother and my DC are extremely fond of her. I have never shared my personal feelings with them and will never ever reveal the extent of the difficulties between us or some of the shit I went through as a child even when they are adults.

So, I guess I feel for you DM. There may be more at play here than you know about. That being said, you are entitled to a relationship with your DGM on your own terms, and not inviting her feels pretty drastic. I think the best you can do is take the suggestions of PP to appoint a 'minder' for your DGM and be sensitive to your DM and keep them as distanced as possible without making it too obvious.

burnoutbabe · 12/06/2021 11:18

@ProcrastinationStation3

Removing the question of your other DGM and aunt, and your DM's feelings on the matter, do YOU want her there?

If you do, like others have said ask a few people to look after her on the day, if you're having bridesmaids/best man/ushers I think jobs like this are the key part of the role personally, if you aren't having any ask a few trusted friends.

If you don't want her there though (if you'd be worried about her) then just don't have her - it doesn't mean you can't still invite the other DGM and aunt anyway.

Really would anyone want to suddenly be given the task of looking after someone else's elderly relative at a wedding? Different if you invited a friend of dgm to look after her but you can't saddle other guests with this.

supersonicsue · 12/06/2021 11:19

At my daughter's wedding we "employed" a carer to take care of my very elderly and frail mum. My daughter was extremely close to my mum and could never have married without her there. The carer, who everyone else assumed was just another friend, made it a stress free day for all of us, even helping her get ready and settling her back at home afterwards. Most of all my mum could enjoy the day too without needing to worry about the help she needed with toileting etc. The carer actually enjoyed herself so much, coming back to the evening party after settling my mum back home, that she actually refused to let us pay her. Obviously we gave her a gift to say thank you, but she was an angel. My mum actually died less than a month after the wedding and my daughter (her only granddaughter) and I will be forever grateful she was able to attend and enjoy the wedding...and forever grateful to the carer who made it possible.

MsTSwift · 12/06/2021 11:20

We had similar though dh grandmother spoke no English. Forever grateful to my lovely school friend who spoke her language so mil was entirely responsible for her

TellingBone · 12/06/2021 11:21

Would she be travelling home alone, possibly drunk, for 3 hours in a taxi? Eeesh.

Leah2005 · 12/06/2021 11:22

How about employ a carer and tell gm she's a friend of dp's who needs someone to sit with?

Grimacingfrog · 12/06/2021 11:24

Really would anyone want to suddenly be given the task of looking after someone else's elderly relative at a wedding?
Different if you invited a friend of dgm to look after her but you can't saddle other guests with this.

I wouldn't mind at all. Especially if it was for only part of the day. So one person could do the ceremony, someone else the meal and a couple of people sharing the evening party. Job done.

Original poster

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 11:28

@knittingaddict

Of course you can invite your other nan and aunt, but I can't see that getting tipsy and falling over is such a terrible thing. I've never been that tipsy in my life, but do you mean tipsy or very drunk? There is a difference.

For what it's worth we didn't invite my mil to our wedding 35 years ago (my husband's choice). Other family members could have looked after her, but she was a loose cannon and it would have been miserable and stressful for everyone. We still had my family there and the rest of my husband's family. There were very good reasons why she wasn't invited and I don't regret that decision at all.

What do you want to do? That's the only thing that matters.

Because she's older though, the falling over can end up being quite serious.

What I want to do is have them both there. But in the condition where my DGM behaves appropriately. Which obviously isn't in my control. I think that what I'll do is have another conversation with my DM about whether there are things we could put in place that would enable her to relax and enjoy the day still with my DGM there.

OP posts:

MamaTutu2 · 12/06/2021 11:28

Maybe a slightly left field idea, could you employ a carer for the day but tell DGM she’s a friend from work who doesn’t know anyone so could she keep an eye on her for you? DGM will feel like she’s being useful, DM won’t need to look after her and there will be an allocated person to look after her

Original poster

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 11:29

@TellingBone

Would she be travelling home alone, possibly drunk, for 3 hours in a taxi? Eeesh.

No!! Definitely not. She'd stay in a hotel. The 3 family members would travel together before and after.

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Nohomemadecandles · 12/06/2021 11:30

What on earth would you tell her if you didn't invite her???
You're NFI'd because you'll get drunk and mum doesn't want to look after you?

Original poster

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 11:32

@MamaTutu2

Maybe a slightly left field idea, could you employ a carer for the day but tell DGM she’s a friend from work who doesn’t know anyone so could she keep an eye on her for you? DGM will feel like she’s being useful, DM won’t need to look after her and there will be an allocated person to look after her

Hah, love the espionage spirit of this. Can just picture the carer's back story becoming increasingly elaborate.

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AmaryllisBloom · 12/06/2021 11:33

If you get on well with DGM, why can’t you just ask her to behave at your wedding? Tell her you’d really like a happy day without the tedious drama of people falling over and could she please not drink?

Original poster

Movingstressangst · 12/06/2021 11:34

@Nohomemadecandles

What on earth would you tell her if you didn't invite her??? You're NFI'd because you'll get drunk and mum doesn't want to look after you?

... well, not that! Probably just that we thought it was too far for her to travel. Which she might end up deciding for herself anyway.

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WutheringTights · 12/06/2021 11:37

Empty a carer and let the carer attend as a guest. Doesn't need to be complicated, just a "here's so and so as company for you". No need to let DGM know that the person is being paid. DM can then relax knowing that DGM is being looked after by a professional.

Cottonheadedninymuggins · 12/06/2021 11:37

I can see both sides and the problems with each, you poor buggers.

We were in this position with my brothers wedding. He was adamant that our grandad came and so he did... Meant mum and I were on grandad duty because at that time he was an alcoholic ( brother moved away at 18 for uni and never spent more than a small handful of Christmas days with him afterwards, conviniently forgetting his childhood affected by him). We couldn't have more than a glass to toast his wedding as he would, and did, get blotto. We couldn't leave him and enjoy the reception so ended up sat at the top table for the entire time looking like we didn't want to be a part of the wedding when really we were trying to stop him ruining the entire thing.

Turns out he'd even smuggled a bottle of whiskey in to the hotel with him so after a skinful in the bar where our family and friends spent the night before (with us trying to contain him and others insisting that he needed a drink) he drank a good half bottle. He even fell at one point too as he insisted going the short way across the mud when mum and I couldnt do it in heels and had to take steps. The people he'd gone with just ran to tell us so we had to deal with that too. He really really made it an unpleasant time for us whilst we tried to stop him lurching around and offending people and embarrassing my brother and sister in law.

2bazookas · 12/06/2021 11:41

Invite who you like, your mother needs to sort out her own behaviour and stay away from her own mother. Seat them separately at the reception.

You could ask a burly friend (best man?) to keep an eye on DM and DGM and if they start any shenanigans at the reception, call a taxi and escort them to it.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/06/2021 11:42

@MustardRose

Put your aunt and other nan on DGM monitoring duty on the day, and invite her. You can't leave her out.

Why should they have to have their day ruined too. Honestly, this woman is an adult why is everyone pandering to her.