To be really petty....

[Yellowbowlbanana]

I know that I am but fuck me I'm frustrated and need to rant somewhere. Dh and I have regular conversations about his inability to contribute to the logistics of our life (for want of a better description). We talked about this at the beginning of the week and how he needs to put some kind of system in place but it doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference.

We both work FT and have 4 DC of an age where they do lots of sport/hobbies and require lots of ferrying about. I am very organised - all activities and meals go on a family whiteboard and I am constantly thinking about who needs to be where, how they're going to get there, what they need and when they're going to eat. Dh thinks of nothing until half an hour before and then gets really stressed. We have discussed cutting back on activities but ultimately it's the collective issue of us all doing one thing.

This morning 2 of the DC have to be in different places at around the same time. We are down to one car at the moment and have managed to borrow a 2 seater from a family member. This is all at my instigation otherwise we'd have got to today and he'd be flapping about because it wasn't sorted.

This morning, 30 minutes before one DC needs to leave he asks me what the plan is. I have been up since 5 (not his fault, I couldn't sleep), I've walked the dogs and done loads of jobs. I have mentally planned how everything is going to work. He has now walked out of the house with no consideration at all about what we're going to do for lunch (we're out for the day and it's too expensive to buy lunch out) or any of the other plans except for the immediate one of transporting Dd.

Would it be really petty of me to make us all lunch and just not bother with his? I'm so fucking bored of thinking of everything.

YANBU. Asking you what the plan is would infuriate me. Sounds like you’re at the end of your tether.

Let him sort his own bloody lunch.

You will get handmaidens telling you you’re being mean though.

What’s the split of housework / cooking / school and activity pick up and drop offs?

A little petty yes, it all sounds a bit hectic, why would you book 2 kids activities at the same time in different places for example

I think that is petty. My DP is the same. He just focuses on a problem when it's shoved at him.

He relies on me to do the organising. Which doesn't bother me because I am that sort of person who has to be organised and plan when to be somewhere etc. It's just not him. He'll just rock up somewhere.

Do you have a family organiser pinned up on the kitchen wall. Make it clear it is his responsibility to look at it and clearly mark on it what he is doing. Why can’t he make everyone lunch?

@Macncheeseballs

A little petty yes, it all sounds a bit hectic, why would you book 2 kids activities at the same time in different places for example

Because activities are an arseache to book at the moment, so timings aren’t ideal?

Because two kids want to do something and this way you don’t have to deal with the fallout of one not doing what they want?

Because there are two adults who can drive?

@stackemhigh

YANBU. Asking you what the plan is would infuriate me. Sounds like you’re at the end of your tether.

Let him sort his own bloody lunch.

You will get handmaidens telling you you’re being mean though.

What’s the split of housework / cooking / school and activity pick up and drop offs?

I'm sure we can all guess.

stackemhigh DH does some of the school runs, I organise it (we're in a rota). He does some of the cooking, when he is told. He does some of the housework, when he is asked. It would never occur to him to do these things off the top of his head. It causes many arguments and he recognises it but just seems incapable of doing anything about it. In his defence though I was a SAHP until three years ago so did everything. I am also a bit of a control freak as it does piss me when things aren't done properly i.e. he regularly forgets PE kits, water bottles, sun cream etc when it's his mornings for drop offs.

Macncheeseballs one has a cricket match, the other a football tournament. It's just how it has worked out. With two normal vehicles it's not a problem but with the current car situation it adds a layer of stress.

mdh2020 he absolutely can and would but I would have to tell him. He wouldn't think just to do it.

I think you would be being unreasonable, but only on the grounds that you’ve enabled his laziness and lack of engagement up until now.

You also need to think about outcomes. The outcome you want is not to spend money on lunch, and to have a nice family day presumably. Will either of these outcomes be achieved by not making his lunch?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you should be running around after your lazy Twatt of a husband, I just think this may not be the best way to deal with it.

I couldn't be doing with spending my weekends this way. It all sounds incredibly joyless and stressful.
I do understand your frustration though

Tell him the plan is that he needs to make a picnic lunch for everyone?

It's frustrating when they can't think for themselves, but I suppose at least he'll do it if asked, which is better than him always assuming it's your job.

Is he like this at work too?

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

The mental load, show this to him so he gets some perspective.

But also as you say yourself, you have a need to be in control of everything because he might not do it right, you do t trust him to do things to your standard. And as you say this is a deeply ingrained pattern in your relationship since you were a sahm.

If you want it to be different you have to change too, and you need to speak to each other at a time that is not a flashpoint- a proper conversation and both open to making adjustments.

I get the urge to not make his lunch, but it won't solve anything.

He's perfectly capable I expect. But he's internalised, over the years, the idea that organising family life is your job and all he has to do is show up.
Would he get away with this level of uselessness at work?
Doubt it.
Unfortunately, as long as you continue to make up his deficit he will continue to let you.
But it will be a difficult dynamic to overturn I think.
Merely telling him what needs doing isn't the answer. He will need to learn to think for himself.
Today's example: You dont make any lunch for anyone and when he queries it, you say "why didn't YOU think to do it then?" Or similar. It's pretty basic. He shouldn't need telling.

He's not lazy, he just think. He will do everything that's need without complaint just not without being directed.
He's not like this at work and we had this conversation last week. He can manage it for that but not for us. He was deeply offended when I said it showed where his priorities are.
He does have a stressful job and earns the lions share of our income. I also get that he needs downtime and much more than me. I just begrudge that I'm never cut any slack. When I can see he is super stressed out I pick up the slack. He doesn't appear to notice it the other way round.

bumpertobumper wise words and everything you have said is correct!

@bumpertobumper

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

The mental load, show this to him so he gets some perspective.

But also as you say yourself, you have a need to be in control of everything because he might not do it right, you do t trust him to do things to your standard. And as you say this is a deeply ingrained pattern in your relationship since you were a sahm.

If you want it to be different you have to change too, and you need to speak to each other at a time that is not a flashpoint- a proper conversation and both open to making adjustments.

I get the urge to not make his lunch, but it won't solve anything.

Yes but she’s only like that because he has a track record of being a fuckwit! If he was capable of sorting things out properly then she wouldn’t feel the need to have such a tight grip.

This sort of behaviour (although not as extreme) almost broke me and DH. I showed him an article about the mental load and told him I cannot continue to be the captain and the crew of this ship, he needs to take responsibility. I was very upset, it was exhausting.

How you haven’t just blown up at him and told him he’s not a child, he’s capable of organising stuff and he needs to take responsibility I don’t know.

I sympathise. I think, IMO, that things work better when tasks are divvied up completely rather than by rota. So person X does EVERYTHING relating to task Y, booking the thing, paying for it, organising how to get there with the right kit etc. Then there is no "oh but I thought YOU were sorting..."

Also, tbh, you might need to review whether your perfectionist standards are appropriate in all things. E.g. my DH does the hoovering. He doesn't do it as often as I would, but I accept that the house is never filthy, he does it often enough for a realistic standard of living, and I never do it myself/nag him about it. It's just his job (and emptying the Hoover etc that goes along with it).

You need to let him fail. This is the problem with people who moan about this kind of stuff. 'Yes but if I don't do it, X,Y and Z will happen'. Let it happen. Let the shit hit the fan. Let him deal with the consequences and fall out.

You either have to accept that it gets done your way which means you do it all. Or he does it your way, which you don't necessarily like.

This was honestly the best piece of marriage advice I was ever given and it is true. Yes, I do silently and slowly want to plot his murder when the kids go out dressed in hideous mismatched clothes, his school run mornings are chaos and the kids get fed pizza and chips every Saturday. But no one died and shit gets done without me having to do it.

I also don't mean to sound quite so glib and breezy when I post. My marriage almost imploded because of my resentment of my DH while I was working part time and doing everything a few years ago. I had to make the choice of doing everything on my own and my marriage ending or accepting his much lower tnan mine standards but saving an otherwise happy marriage and stabke home for my kids.

I know exactly where you’re coming from. I do 100% of the mental parenting and household planning. I sometimes feel like dumping my partner in it and tell him to get on with it. However, I do have to remind myself that I’ve enabled this imbalance, and so if I want to force a change, I’m going to have to tell him in advance that from that point on, he is to take more responsibility.

I think you would be being unreasonable, but only on the grounds that you’ve enabled his laziness and lack of engagement up until now.

I often see this on this kind of thread, but I don't really understand how the OP has enabled it? She has asked him to do more, put systems in place to make it easier and repeatedly discussed his contribution. What else would you expect?

You need to hand over the reins for a week OP. Sit him down this evening and tell him you’re taking next week “off” from family logistics and he is stepping up, or not, whichever he prefers, but you aren’t doing it. Tell him where the pens and whiteboard are, tell him how many children you have and their names and point him to their bedrooms so he can discuss with them what their plans are for next week. Suggest he starts now so he isn’t flapping at 8.00am on Monday.

If you don’t make him lunch he’ll buy something and that will piss you off even more.

I’d make sandwiches that I know he hates, but enough for everyone.

Dh is generally very good from everything from housework through cooking/shopping to kids activities.
What I really don't get was he seemed incapable of realising that "activity starts/ends at x time" meant you had to leave before that time. For some reason he never allowed for travel time.
So I started telling him that it started/finished earlier. It worked, although occasionally he'd be on time and be put out to find he had to wait around. It took some time for the message to get through, but it did eventually.