To be really petty....

[Yellowbowlbanana]

I know that I am but fuck me I'm frustrated and need to rant somewhere. Dh and I have regular conversations about his inability to contribute to the logistics of our life (for want of a better description). We talked about this at the beginning of the week and how he needs to put some kind of system in place but it doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference.

We both work FT and have 4 DC of an age where they do lots of sport/hobbies and require lots of ferrying about. I am very organised - all activities and meals go on a family whiteboard and I am constantly thinking about who needs to be where, how they're going to get there, what they need and when they're going to eat. Dh thinks of nothing until half an hour before and then gets really stressed. We have discussed cutting back on activities but ultimately it's the collective issue of us all doing one thing.

This morning 2 of the DC have to be in different places at around the same time. We are down to one car at the moment and have managed to borrow a 2 seater from a family member. This is all at my instigation otherwise we'd have got to today and he'd be flapping about because it wasn't sorted.

This morning, 30 minutes before one DC needs to leave he asks me what the plan is. I have been up since 5 (not his fault, I couldn't sleep), I've walked the dogs and done loads of jobs. I have mentally planned how everything is going to work. He has now walked out of the house with no consideration at all about what we're going to do for lunch (we're out for the day and it's too expensive to buy lunch out) or any of the other plans except for the immediate one of transporting Dd.

Would it be really petty of me to make us all lunch and just not bother with his? I'm so fucking bored of thinking of everything.

'Tell me what to do or how to do it but not both' is the mantra we go by in our house. As pp have said, my standards are different but there's not just one right way although mine is obviously far superior

Once went away for the week end.. Dh didn't pack his stuff.
Neither did I He had no towel or toiletries..
He hasn't done it since.
You have 4 dc already op....

I think you need to be clear about what you want. I understand completely where your coming from but the alternatives are either you divvy up what you are both responsible for or you both organise as you go and communicate all the time to see whos done what. I personally think that as your dh is willing to do whats asked of him youll find it better if you plan things the way you want and include him in that plan. Sounds like you are overwhelmed more than anything and may need to reduce the activities or get better organised with lunches. Make up freezer sandwiches or something so you can grab and go when you need them.

I don’t think it is fair to think about this in isolation, need to consider his contribution in other ways. I sometimes find myself getting annoyed that DH doesn’t do this or that and in particular doesn’t seem to see that things need doing, but before I get all annoyed at him, I remind myself of the things he does do and how I am not perfect either.

Sounds like he does need more responsibility but maybe more input too. What if he doesn't think the kids should do too many activities? A lot of people just don't organise things because they prefer it to be easier.

A lot has been set up here and everything done in a certain way (taking lunches instead of buying it). It's a little unfair to set everything up how you like it, then expect someone else to work to your schedule and how you do things.

All I can say is I feel your pain. Holiday with DH and 2 grown up DC’s last week . Everyday everyone looked at me “for the plan”.
I was asked every day by everyone the following
What are we doing?
Where are we going?
Do I need a jumper?
Do I need a coat?
Will I be cold?
Will I get hot?
What’s for dinner?
I put a ruck sack in the hall way everyday and said, if we need something or you want it with you, put it in here. Everyday, something was missing and it was always my fault. No parking money, sun screen, water bottle for dog….
We went to the beach without the body boards as despite me packing everything else , no one went to the garage to get them out and yes I did forget too but it was my fault not everyone’s fault.
As well as being asked even after the first 3 or 4 days ..where are the towels/ cutlery/ mats/ cups/ glasses/ scissors without making any effort to look in the logical places.
No one thought for themselves for a single minute. I had the rage by the end of the week. Came home exhausted.

@LonstantonSpiceMuseum

Sounds like he does need more responsibility but maybe more input too. What if he doesn't think the kids should do too many activities? A lot of people just don't organise things because they prefer it to be easier.

A lot has been set up here and everything done in a certain way (taking lunches instead of buying it). It's a little unfair to set everything up how you like it, then expect someone else to work to your schedule and how you do things.

Yes, I think this is fair. I certainly wouldn’t set up a situation in which the schedule for the children’s activities is so relentless, or there is this much need for whiteboards, and military-level planning about lifts, lunches out etc. It sounds utterly fun-free and exhausting. Why not calm the whole situation down by cutting back on children’s activities and making life in your household more manageable?

I have a DH (and adult DS) like this. I have also been the SAHM so everything fell to me and stayed there. DH is a CEO of a charity but goodness knows how it functions - I can only assume he is either very different at work or that he has another woman to do the thinking for him. It's not just DH though - a few of his friends joke frequently that everyone should have a bigbluebus when going on a trip. We went on a touring holiday in a camper van 2 years ago with another couple. We organised a planning weekend in advance. Whilst we all input into the routes, I seemed to be the only one who had thought about what we needed to take. I had written a list - DHs friend photographed it and asked me to let him know if I added anything to it! DH & DS both seem incapable of thinking about anything other than the here and now. Fine if you tell them to do something specific, perfectly capable of booking in a meetup/event but not capable of thinking about the impact of that booking on everything else ie meals, equipment/supplies. In fairness to DS he has an ASD diagnosis but not sure what DHs excuse is.

Now there's just the 2 of us at home I have started to pull back on sorting stuff unless it's likely to have a negative impact on me. If DH organises something I usually say 'and what's happening about XY &Z as a result of that, instead of just sorting it all out.

Sorry but if you’re going to be over the top, a bit of a control freak and perfectionist about everything you can’t be surprised that he leaves it up to you.

Likewise if you’re going to treat every small thing like a military manoeuvre!

@Macncheeseballs

A little petty yes, it all sounds a bit hectic, why would you book 2 kids activities at the same time in different places for example

Because 2 children want to do different things and that's when those things are available??

The thing that stands out is this.
“We can’t afford to eat out” yes you can. Stop running your dc lives like a military camp.

Go on!! Be petty!! he sounds so disorganised he might not even notice!!

I understand OP, similar situation here although with fewer people in the household. I worked out that mine was almost paralysed with fear because I had it organised so specifically that he knew he just couldn’t work it out and therefore he opted out. So I would advise firstly trying to cut down on activities but also accept that he won’t do it all so get him to do one or two things and as a previous P said let him fail and deal with the consequences eg child is late for tournament and can’t play. Sounds harsh on the child but you need to make DH realise what needs to be done.
Mine let DS2 get in the car one Christmas morning without a coat despite me saying make sure he has it. Realised when we got there (90 miles away) that he had no coat and we were walking on Boxing Day pm. MIL looked at me and said that the shopping centre was open Boxing Day so I could get him a coat. I said DH would be going which surprised her - his mistake, he had to sort it out. So off he went on Boxing Day morning and bought him a coat. Sorted. I had a lie in.

@Cheeseismymiddlename

All I can say is I feel your pain. Holiday with DH and 2 grown up DC’s last week . Everyday everyone looked at me “for the plan”. I was asked every day by everyone the following What are we doing? Where are we going? Do I need a jumper? Do I need a coat? Will I be cold? Will I get hot? What’s for dinner? I put a ruck sack in the hall way everyday and said, if we need something or you want it with you, put it in here. Everyday, something was missing and it was always my fault. No parking money, sun screen, water bottle for dog…. We went to the beach without the body boards as despite me packing everything else , no one went to the garage to get them out and yes I did forget too but it was my fault not everyone’s fault. As well as being asked even after the first 3 or 4 days ..where are the towels/ cutlery/ mats/ cups/ glasses/ scissors without making any effort to look in the logical places. No one thought for themselves for a single minute. I had the rage by the end of the week. Came home exhausted.

Aaargghhhh! This is why I'm divorced.

It sounds like you've been organising everything over the years. I understand because I was the same. I was home more so I had more time to arrange things, with 5 kids here everything needs to be put on the planner.

There's no point being petty, it'll only anger you. What you need to do is sit down with him, have the planner to hand, tell him he's taking it over for 2 weeks, not one day, 2 weeks. He fills it in and he organises what needs to be done. That way he'll see what has to be done. Then after the 2 weeks you both agree on what you are in charge of on the planner.

Each person has their strengths and their feel divide tasks on those strengths.

I’m the organiser. Have been since a kid. I need to plan to feel in control. DH is more laissez-faire. I organise but DH takes kids to their clubs. I drop kids at breakfast club. He picks them up from after school club. All our meetings/parents evenings (we’re teachers) go on the calendar and if they hit an extra curricular it’s tough luck to the kids.

You shouldn’t do it all yourself. I don’t think a ‘punishment’ will work. It’ll make you seem like the bad guy.

@violetbunny

Is he like this at work too?

Exactly.

It's like people who are late for everything.

Do they do it everyday, at work, or if they're flying somewhere?
I bet they get to the airport in time.

An interesting comparison to a captain and a crew. And with regards to being at work. Why can't OP be the captain and delegate to DH. As she says he is not lazy he is happy and capable and willing to do the jobs. So she gives him a list and he does it. Thats a split of the work.

You can have a captain and a crew @sweeneytoddsrazor - in my experience it was DH’s responsibility to sort dinner, for example. But he’d call me from the supermarket while I was at work to say they didn’t have the sausages we’d planned for today was chicken ok? Or he’d do the shopping order online but I always had to check it and check it out he wouldn’t do it alone in case he ‘got it wrong’. It’s the not taking any responsibility for it - that yes they’ll do it but only if every single point is micro-managed.

This was quite a few years now and he is much better!

Thanks for the responses. For those saying our life sounds joyless, well each to their own. My DC each do a sport as do Dh and I. We all enjoy them and they make us happy. Individually it wouldn't be such a challenge but as a collective it is hard and required me to be organised.
I am also not a perfectionist. I've let many things go. However, the more I let go the more gets let go of that makes sense and that just leads to a greater sense of frustration.
It's all been eclipsed today by the fact that the car we borrowed broke down and we've had to have that towed too. Four breakdowns, three vehicles in one month. Absolute ball ache.

Going against the grain here. I just wonder how much your DH buys into the number of activities going on. If you need a whiteboard to mastermind it all IMO it’s all too much . Where is the downtime?
I bet it’s actually the op who has instigated so much of this with more and more activities.
Why for example knowing you only had one car did not call off both cricket and football this weekend as you clearly had other things going on with the need to have lunch away from home.

And your life being responsible for organising so much is joyless op and I suspect it all is for the DH too.

Is this one of those situations where you took over, because you are a control freak, or thought you did it best, or maybe you thought you should because you were SAHM. But now that it's getting a bit much for you, you are blaming them for not being up to speed with things, despite you never previously expecting them to, or even allowing them to? If so you are being very unfair. You need to sit down and explain you need more input, and agree between you, what that needs to look like.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

Going against the grain here. I just wonder how much your DH buys into the number of activities going on. If you need a whiteboard to mastermind it all IMO it’s all too much . Where is the downtime? I bet it’s actually the op who has instigated so much of this with more and more activities. Why for example knowing you only had one car did not call off both cricket and football this weekend as you clearly had other things going on with the need to have lunch away from home.

So it’s OP’s fault that the kids and DH all enjoy a sport each?