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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful about this?

57 replies

Turquoiseraindrops · 11/06/2021 19:01

I have namechanged as this is potentially outing and I know people in RL who use MN and will recognize what I’m about to say.

I care for an elderly family member who needs a lot of practical support. I do this daily without question as it needs to be done and I am the only one able or willing to step up.

I don’t expect praise or thanks, it’s just one of those things that has to be done.

Family member has been injured and needs significantly more care for the next two weeks.
Another family member ‘X’ (who does very, very little) has had to take on this role today while I was unable to.

I have now taken over and I’ve had a full 10 minutes of elderly family member telling me how AMAZING X has been and how wonderful X is.

I started off by saying how great that was that X had done so much, but when the praise just kept coming, it started to leave a bitter taste.

All the things X has done today is what I do daily, but suddenly when X does it it’s like they’re the golden child.

I ended up telling elderly family member how I felt and they’ve now cried and told me I’ve taken away their little bit of happiness for the day and refused to eat. I am now being given the silent treatment.

AIBU to feel resentful that X has been showered with praise for doing what I do every single day without question and X has never done before today?

I know I am emotional and tired so probably overreacting. I’ve now been made to feel incredibly guilty for saying anything and made to feel like I’m a horrible person.

Any suggestions in moving forwards positively? I have nobody I can talk to about this in real life and don’t have the emotional resources left to think of anything.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 11/06/2021 19:09

That's really ungrateful of elderly family member. I would have called them on it too. I would also ignore any manipulative sulking from them.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/06/2021 19:11

Tell X that they are so fortunate because now they can do all this shit because you are not.

ThursdayWeld · 11/06/2021 19:11

X is a man, aren't they?

SnoopyLights · 11/06/2021 19:13

Has this always been the dynamic between you, X, and the elderly relative?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset that X has received all this praise for something you do on a daily basis.

Is it possible that the relative spent the day praising you to X?

I am a bit concerned that the relative cried and refused to eat and said you had taken away their happiness. That sounds quite manipulative to me. Are they usually like this?

mrsplum101 · 11/06/2021 19:15

I agree, really ungrateful if they never thank you and refusing to eat because you've called them out is manipulative.

I've found people like that often tend to think they're the only ones capable of being upset and never seem to think they can be responsible for hurting someone else's feelings. If their way of dealing with being called out for hurtful behaviour is to cry and guilt trip you rather than reflect on how their actions and words may have hurt you and apologise, that's really shitty of them.

altiara · 11/06/2021 19:16

I’d say I can’t tell if you want me to come back tomorrow as you’re not speaking to me. Let me know as I have other plans.

Cleverpolly3 · 11/06/2021 19:17

@Aquamarine1029

Tell X that they are so fortunate because now they can do all this shit because you are not.
This is what I would be tempted to do too

I don’t blame you for feeling this way at all OP.

notacooldad · 11/06/2021 19:21

This happened to my sister.
She lived near my nan and did most of the care as I live90 mikes away and she lived 0.5 miles away.
I visited and changed the sheets.

My nan went on and on about how wonderful I was. However both me and my sister both know and acknowledge that I have always been the favourite ( for many reasons, my sister is a force of nature while I'm more for an easier life)
I'm glad you called the relative out over it. I told my sister to do the same but she wouldn't. I told nan to stop playing us off as well but she just squeezed my hand. Nan knew exactly what she was doing. She was just stirring the pot as usual!

Original poster
Turquoiseraindrops · 11/06/2021 19:22

No, relative will not have spend the day praising me to X.

I feel like it’s disrespectful to say but yes, this is not unusual behaviour from elderly relative. I am just not feeling as emotionally strong as usual tonight.

OP posts:
Jellifer · 11/06/2021 19:22

I get this too! If someone who normally does nothing steps up and does something, however small, it’s as if they have given them the moon! Whereas I’m there all the time and it’s almost assumed. It is annoying but I don’t think they do it on purpose and I’d certainly be narked to get the silent treatment for calling them up on it.

lakesummer · 11/06/2021 19:22

Family member sounds completely unreasonable and emotionally manipulative.
But I'm guessing this isn't a recent thing?

Personally I'd look to scale back the support I'd give.
If that doesn't work for you than all you can do is ignore their poor behavior.

spotcheck · 11/06/2021 19:25

Lemme guess- mother or grandmother is elderly relative, X is male- brother or cousin?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 11/06/2021 19:26

I would bet anything that X is a man.

It sucks OP

PixieDust28 · 11/06/2021 19:28

They're refusing to eat and said you ruined their day because you told them you were upset with what they were saying?

Time to get carers.

billy1966 · 11/06/2021 19:29

OP,

Learn from this.

You are being used and manipulated and your peace taken.

Don't upset yourself, take action.

Just because you are old does NOT make you a nice person.

You are being used.
This is NOW your choice.

Why are you being used is the question.

I certainly would massively pull back, without apology or explanation.

You have a choice here.
You can be used thanklessly for years or you can stand up for yourself.

You do NOT have to be used like this.

Flowers
Brefugee · 11/06/2021 19:31

Can you just tell X that you can't do it any more and they have to take over? Can you get carers in for the family member?

Frankly? i woldn't put up with this

Henio · 11/06/2021 19:31

I'd be telling elderly relative to arrange outside care from now on, get ss involved if they can't do it themselves

ThursdayWeld · 11/06/2021 19:33

Well if X is so marvellous, they can do more for your relative from now on then!

Tisgrand · 11/06/2021 19:40

Well done on calling out elderly family member.

I looked after my DM after my father died. I had the same experience, many times as I have three useless brothers who left it all to me. If I had something going on in work and absolutely couldn't take a half-day off to bring her to an appointment I'd have to beg for one of them to do it instead. I'd then be treated to a long description of what exactly they'd done ("and he walked me all the way to the clinic and he sat with me while I waited!") And then "he's a very busy man you know!" Meanwhile I was raising my kids, working full time and looking after her.

She never saw what I did as anything other than a daughter's duty, and as a kid we didn't have a great relationship. My brothers however were golden. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I did it, but man was it thankless!

I never found the courage to call her out on her attitude, and as she developed dementia there would have been no point. But how I would have loved to!

But you were completely correct in calling EFM on this, and they are now as a PP said sulking because they know you were right; maybe it'll be food for thought for them.

Its tough and tiring and thankless work. There are so many people out there going through the same experience I found. Try to take care of yourself and make use of any assistance in the community - a social worker in the hospital pointed me in the direction of some and it was good advice as I found even just talking to service providers helpful, as they could relate to my situation. Also could you try to prevail on other family member to do something regularly, if not once a week then once a month?

Best of luck Flowers

Original poster
Turquoiseraindrops · 11/06/2021 19:52

Thank you. X doesn’t drive so it makes things more difficult!

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 11/06/2021 19:57

I ended up telling elderly family member how I felt and they’ve now cried and told me I’ve taken away their little bit of happiness for the day and refused to eat. I am now being given the silent treatment.

Well fuck that! Leave the selfish knob to rot.

AmberIsACertainty · 11/06/2021 19:57

@Turquoiseraindrops

Thank you. X doesn’t drive so it makes things more difficult!
X's transport issues are not your problem.
IronTeeth · 11/06/2021 20:10

@Turquoiseraindrops

Thank you. X doesn’t drive so it makes things more difficult!
Don't see how that is your problem, and as the sun shines out of his(?) arse, he should be able to fly there on sunbeams
Mumsgirls · 11/06/2021 20:19

You get this, In my family a man who has a full time job and raises two children is a super hero, nothing said when a women does the same thing and on lower pay as well.
Why have we not yet developed equal expectations so long after women were supposed to be liberated?

Holly60 · 11/06/2021 20:20

@ThursdayWeld

X is a man, aren't they?
This. 100%