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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel resentful about this?

57 replies

Turquoiseraindrops · 11/06/2021 19:01

I have namechanged as this is potentially outing and I know people in RL who use MN and will recognize what I’m about to say.

I care for an elderly family member who needs a lot of practical support. I do this daily without question as it needs to be done and I am the only one able or willing to step up.

I don’t expect praise or thanks, it’s just one of those things that has to be done.

Family member has been injured and needs significantly more care for the next two weeks.
Another family member ‘X’ (who does very, very little) has had to take on this role today while I was unable to.

I have now taken over and I’ve had a full 10 minutes of elderly family member telling me how AMAZING X has been and how wonderful X is.

I started off by saying how great that was that X had done so much, but when the praise just kept coming, it started to leave a bitter taste.

All the things X has done today is what I do daily, but suddenly when X does it it’s like they’re the golden child.

I ended up telling elderly family member how I felt and they’ve now cried and told me I’ve taken away their little bit of happiness for the day and refused to eat. I am now being given the silent treatment.

AIBU to feel resentful that X has been showered with praise for doing what I do every single day without question and X has never done before today?

I know I am emotional and tired so probably overreacting. I’ve now been made to feel incredibly guilty for saying anything and made to feel like I’m a horrible person.

Any suggestions in moving forwards positively? I have nobody I can talk to about this in real life and don’t have the emotional resources left to think of anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turquoiseraindrops · 11/06/2021 20:35

Yes X is a man.

OP posts:

MargosKaftan · 11/06/2021 20:41

Time for you to take a step back.

Your elderly relative doesn't value what you do for them. Why are you doing it? Could it be provided by someone paid (by elderly relative). Could other family members take turns in a rota rather than once in a blue moon? Could adult social services be called in to look at elderly relatives needs?

They don't value you. Do you value you?

applesandpears33 · 11/06/2021 20:42

Could you use this as an opportunity to get X more involved in the relative's care? That would have the benefit of pleasing your elderly relative and taking some of the burden off you.

MargosKaftan · 11/06/2021 20:43

And yes, obviously X is a man. This sort of caring work is "woman's work" in elderly relatives mind, so it has no value when you do it. Only when a man is prepared to do the shit work that rightfully should be done by a woman (for free, for woman's labour has no value), does it become noteworthy.

Twelveisthebestnumber · 11/06/2021 20:51

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. If it's any consolation at all I think this is a fairly common occurrence amongst primary care givers who might have 1 day of rest only to come back and find the older person positively swooning with gratitude about the person who helped them for 1lousy blimmin day. This happened to me constantly when I was caring for my Dad before he died. My brother would visit once a month for the afternoon and do something small like clean the windows and he was golden bollocks for weeks after. I did have a conversation with my Mum over it as like you it really got me down, but she got quite nasty so I left her to cool down and just did the Dad stuff. She never apologised but did seem to appreciate me much more. After Dad died we again picked up the lions share of sorting out everything. LITERALLY everything. Funeral, eulogies, sorting out banks, taxes etc. It was never-ending. And again golden bollocks brother would visit and it started all over again. So we moved abroad . Now I get to be the golden child when I visit and my brother does the rest! Might not be an option for you though!!! All that said I will move home when my mum needs my help and I will do it in a heartbeat. Caring for my Dad was one of the best things I have done and I am forever grateful I was able to do so. I have promised my mum the same.

Chloemol · 11/06/2021 21:16

I am afraid I would be saying to the elderly relative they need to speak to X and ask him to come on a more regular basis as you are no longer able to, or they pay for carers and walk away

I can’t be doing with ungrateful people

MadameQuaver · 11/06/2021 21:17

@Chloemol

I am afraid I would be saying to the elderly relative they need to speak to X and ask him to come on a more regular basis as you are no longer able to, or they pay for carers and walk away

I can’t be doing with ungrateful people

Totally this!

There's no way I'd be a carer for someone who didn't appreciate me. If X is so brilliant then I'd let him take responsibility for her care in future.

My sister has always been the golden child. My parents have been awful to me. I will not be providing them with any future care and will tell them in no uncertain terms to get their wonderful golden child to do it.

WildfirePonie · 11/06/2021 21:32

Time to set yourself free.
Time for X to take over.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/06/2021 21:52

I’ve heard of this so often - the ‘invisible’ one who shows up once in a blue moon has the sun shining out of their orifice. While good old muggins, who does 99.9% of it, comes nowhere.

The ‘invisible’ is so often a son, but I’ve heard of invisible daughters, too.

You’re absolutely entitled to be pissed off, OP. If I were you I’d ignore (or pretend to) the crying/refusing to eat - it’s classic childish behaviour designed to make you feel bad for upsetting them, when they’re the one who’s in the wrong. (How can you tell I’ve encountered something of the sort?). A breezy, unconcerned manner is the way to go manner, put the food in the bin and don’t offer to make any more! ‘Well, you didn’t want it, so I’ve thrown it out.’

notacooldad · 11/06/2021 22:03

And yes, obviously X is a man.
Maybe but not obviously. Oo posted earlier about me being the golden grandchild despite my sistervdoingball the donkey work. I'd only have to show up and my praises would be sungvfrom the top of the town hall if she could!

My friend is having the same issue with her sisters and her mum.

DoNotEat · 11/06/2021 23:58

@Turquoiseraindrops

Yes X is a man.

Old ladies love a helpful man. It's a novelty unfortunately.

You should have not said anything about it to them but vented to a friend.
People can be very ungrateful.
Did X say anything to you like 'you do a great job...I only did it for a week and was exhausted'. Or are they just delighting in being the golden one?

Maybe elderly relative just enjoyed a new face to spend time with?

I'd be encouraging X to do more.
Say they had such a great time, you're so amazing etc.

You sound like you might be getting burnt out from care. Make sure you're taking time for yourself.

BonnieDundee · 12/06/2021 00:00

YANBU OP and I would think about taking this chance to step back a bit.

Don't see how that is your problem, and as the sun shines out of his(?) arse, he should be able to fly there on sunbeams

billy1966 · 12/06/2021 00:04

@Chloemol

I am afraid I would be saying to the elderly relative they need to speak to X and ask him to come on a more regular basis as you are no longer able to, or they pay for carers and walk away

I can’t be doing with ungrateful people

This.

I place way too much value on MY one life to get caught for such an obviously thankless job for someone so ungrateful.

FlippertyFlip80 · 12/06/2021 03:24

I would be saying that you're really pleased that X did a much better job than you ever could as you've done your duty and you're pleased that X will now be taking over their care.

timeisnotaline · 12/06/2021 03:44

Step back time. Don’t feel guilty, especially about their disgracefully manipulative sulking. . Take a carers info pamphlet.

Original poster

Turquoiseraindrops · 12/06/2021 04:08

Thank you for listening everyone. Can’t talk to anyone in RL about it but really appreciate you all taking the time to comment, it makes me feel like I’m not alone.

OP posts:

applesandpears33 · 12/06/2021 08:18

Sadly, I think you are far from alone. As this thread has shown it is a common dynamic that the people who are there all the time are often the folk who are taken for granted. Could you chat with X and get him more involved on a regular basis?

purplecorkheart · 12/06/2021 08:25

Been there and got then t-shirt. It hurts so much. Sorry I cannot offer any words of comfort. Fair dues for you for telling x how you feel. I let it eat me up internally.

M4J4 · 12/06/2021 08:29

I have this, OP. Most of the care for our mum is provided by me and my sisters and yet when my brother does a basic thing for her he gets lauded.

I think it’s hard for her to accept what a shit he is so she’s in denial.

Alleycat1 · 12/06/2021 08:31

Iron Teeth 😂😂😂

This is the Prodigal Son syndrome. I have always hated the unfairness, as I see it, of that Biblical story. You are being taken for granted OP. Perhaps time to suggest that the extra work involved is taking its toll and others need to step up for a couple of days a week ( at least) or that they need to contribute towards a carer for some days. What happens when you take a holiday? Book one even if you just chill at home and let others take up the slack for a change.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/06/2021 08:37

op. You are definitely not alone.

I hope you take this opportunity to give yourself both a huge pat on the back for the care and time you have given your relative plus reflect on perhaps how things need to change moving forward.

You need more of a break, either by X stepping up more, by using carers or respite.

If X is unable to do more themselves due to driving issues perhaps they can contribute financially.

VodkaSlimline · 12/06/2021 08:40

This has happened to me. I figured than in our case, the elderly person singing X's praises was her way of reassuring herself that X cared about her, after a long period of X not visiting/helping at all. So I didn't take it personally and I don't think you should either x

queenMab99 · 12/06/2021 08:45

My older sister did the bulk of the care for my Mum, until I retired, I lived an hour away, while she lived 5 minutes away from Mum, but when I retired I did equal with sister physically, although she bore the brunt of responsibility for emergency visits as she lived nearer. Mum just took her help for granted, as she had always been there. Sister and I found it amusing, as mum would say things like, 'leave that, sister will do it' Our younger brother and sister who were still working, would call in once a week, and if brother did anything useful he would be praised to high heaven, for the rest of the week. I did regularly point out to mum that older sister had been her mainstay for years, and sometimes I could see by her eyes that she did understand and was grateful.

I just think if some one is there, caring most of the time, it is too easy to take them for granted.

Faranth · 12/06/2021 08:53

DM had this with DGM. DM would travel an hr on the bus to DGM once a week, sort everything, make phonecalls, do shopping, banking, everything, all in a mad rush to be able to catch the bus back, with bags of laundry in tow. DGM would just himpf and moan about the brand of this or the timing of that.

DMs DSis would turn up once in a blue moon, do none of the routine stuff so DM would have twice as much to do the next week, cause chaos by cooking some elaborate meal and not putting away the 'best china' or whatever or deciding to 'tidy a cupboard' which would actually mean dragging out the contents, deciding she was going to take x and y home, and leaving the rest scattered about the house. The aftermath was left for DM to clear up next visit, while she had her DM wittering about how wonderful DS was and what lovely x she'd cooked or how long she'd spent 'tidying'.

MIL is similar and is doing the 'I shan't eat because you....' thing at the moment. I've no tolerance for it. I usually look her straight in the eye and say 'that's up to you, it makes no difference to me. If you want to be hungry that's your choice.'

Wheras SIL gets in a tizz either trying to think of something to 'tempt' her or gets cross and frustrated. Which just gives the reaction MIL was looking for.

Oldraver · 12/06/2021 09:01

Regrdless of the sulking and refusal to eat, you need to not back down. I would actually reiterate how you feel to the ER and also pull them up on their manipulative sulking.

I think I would be inclined to say that as the 'man' is so bloody brilliant he can do all caring from now on

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