To feel resentful about this?

[Turquoiseraindrops]

I have namechanged as this is potentially outing and I know people in RL who use MN and will recognize what I’m about to say.

I care for an elderly family member who needs a lot of practical support. I do this daily without question as it needs to be done and I am the only one able or willing to step up.

I don’t expect praise or thanks, it’s just one of those things that has to be done.

Family member has been injured and needs significantly more care for the next two weeks.
Another family member ‘X’ (who does very, very little) has had to take on this role today while I was unable to.

I have now taken over and I’ve had a full 10 minutes of elderly family member telling me how AMAZING X has been and how wonderful X is.

I started off by saying how great that was that X had done so much, but when the praise just kept coming, it started to leave a bitter taste.

All the things X has done today is what I do daily, but suddenly when X does it it’s like they’re the golden child.

I ended up telling elderly family member how I felt and they’ve now cried and told me I’ve taken away their little bit of happiness for the day and refused to eat. I am now being given the silent treatment.

AIBU to feel resentful that X has been showered with praise for doing what I do every single day without question and X has never done before today?

I know I am emotional and tired so probably overreacting. I’ve now been made to feel incredibly guilty for saying anything and made to feel like I’m a horrible person.

Any suggestions in moving forwards positively? I have nobody I can talk to about this in real life and don’t have the emotional resources left to think of anything.

@VodkaSlimline

This has happened to me. I figured than in our case, the elderly person singing X's praises was her way of reassuring herself that X cared about her, after a long period of X not visiting/helping at all. So I didn't take it personally and I don't think you should either x

This is a really good way of looking at the situation and may help take the sting out of what is very hurtful behaviour.

@Chloemol

I am afraid I would be saying to the elderly relative they need to speak to X and ask him to come on a more regular basis as you are no longer able to, or they pay for carers and walk away

I can’t be doing with ungrateful people

Please listen to and follow this advice. You have one life. You don't have to live like this or put up with this.

My MIL lived with me and DH for the last 12 years of her life. She needed lots of help with personal care, which I was happy to help with but when I was at work we had carers come in to do it. My DH didn't do her personal care but more than pulled his weight doing other things.
Her daughter who lived nearby would swan in every couple of months to see her mum but would not lift a finger to help and expected to be served lunch and plenty of cups of tea. If MIL needed any help with rocketing she would shout for me to come and do it. I let it go at first, but wasn't about to let it become a habit. On about the 4th visit, SIL arrived at around 10am. By 10.15am me and husband were out of the door, in the car and away for a day out. I rarely saw her again after that. She would always make sure I was at work and the carers were in before she visited. The bitch didnt visit at all during the last year of her mother's life because her dementia was so advanced that according to SIL, she wouldn't know anyway.
My advice is to take your life back whilst you can. Make sure care is shared between you and get outside help in whenever possible otherwise is will get too much and your own health will suffef

@VodkaSlimline

This has happened to me. I figured than in our case, the elderly person singing X's praises was her way of reassuring herself that X cared about her, after a long period of X not visiting/helping at all. So I didn't take it personally and I don't think you should either x

Yes this is very insightful. A bit like how kids can behave worse for their mums because they're a safe space and they know they're always going to be there and care for them. Then spend one afternoon with their dad and he's the greatest on the planet. It's to reassure themselves that he actually cares about them.

@PixieDust28

They're refusing to eat and said you ruined their day because you told them you were upset with what they were saying?

Time to get carers.

Absolutely this. I would be done.

So what are you going to do about it?

The person you care for had a little bit of hope restored. Their family member stepped in and therefore 'in their eyes' does love them. Of course its fake and they probably don't in the way the elderly person deserve. That person does very little but enough to show the elderly person that they are still loved (yes its fake, but the elderly are like children arent they). The world is lonely for the elderly. And they grasp every hope. X