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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think there are significant/major things about you that DH/DP does not know

72 replies

whenthephonerings · 11/06/2021 08:36

I'm not looking for any details from posters, it's more of a vote percentages thing.

I've NCed and need to give some high level detail to clarify the post. In the past, for a short period of time, I took Class A drugs and had an inappropriate relationship with a work colleague (both are very much related). It's something I never discussed during the evolution of relationship with DH. It was all the past, until I recently found out that ex-colleague now works in the same (very large) organization as DH. It possible they'll never meet or know each other.

I'm posting this because we have a very close relationship, he knows so much about me, we're on the same page on so much, yet this seems like I'm keeping a secret. I don't plan to mention it.

AIBU ... to think there are significant/major things about you that DH/DP does not know (no details needed, just a vote or general discussion is helpful for me!)

OP posts:
Aprilx · 11/06/2021 08:38

No there are no significant / major things that DH does not know about me. I am sure there are many things he does not know, but that is only because they are too insignificant to mention.

DelurkingAJ · 11/06/2021 08:41

Depends what you mean…I would class taking drugs as very different to having a consensual one night stand, for example. Former I would have told DH, latter he knows there were people (we met in our mid 20s) but not details.

romdowa · 11/06/2021 08:42

Yes there are things about my past that are no longer relevant and nobody in my life really needs to know about them.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 11/06/2021 08:45

Nothing major that I can think of that DH doesn’t know about. I had a very sheltered childhood, met DH at 18 at university. The most scandalous thing that’s happened to me was having a baby at 19 and she was his baby too so…

KnightKnurse · 11/06/2021 08:49

This is somewhat of a silly example, but it shows how hard it can be to get to really know me.

  1. I drive 50-70 min each way for commute. Traffic is often busy and I get bored with radio, and too engaged with podcasts. As a result I kind of daydream for 2 hours a day. I almost enjoy it! And it's a large part of my life 5 days a week.
  1. It's seems like I'm fit, healthy, slim and exercise...and I do, but I really struggle to stop eating rubbish. I have an unhealthy diet that I struggle to do something about

I'd consider them some significant things about me that DH no visibility on (except DH does wonder why I never ever buy treats for the kids...because I'd eat them!)

DirectionsForUse · 11/06/2021 08:50

I think infidelity is way more common than anyone is prepared to consider.

Everyone I know would be shocked if they knew my complete history. Nothing I'm proud of and all in the past, but something that genuinely "just happened", went on for a long time and has never been repeated. No one would believe it if they heard it of me.

SmellThis · 11/06/2021 08:55

No, absolutely nothing, he knows everything about me, warts n all

JellyTumble · 11/06/2021 08:56

No, DH knows pretty much everything about me. We were childhood sweethearts so we’ve never had any secrets or separate lives Smile

MyMessageToYou · 11/06/2021 08:57

Growing up our family really struggled with finances. Even though we had a nice house and location, his business meant we really really struggled at times. I was the oldest so had more visibility on that my siblings. It wasn't Dickensian, but not far off it at times.

Things improved hugely in my late teens, first time DH went to stay in our house was in my mid-20s, he thought it was amazing place for kids to grow up. It really wasn't. It was very difficult.

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/06/2021 09:03

Probably, I didn’t sit him down at any point and give him a long list of All The Things About Me, so there’s bound to be stuff that hasn’t come up yet and possibly never will.

I don’t believe that anyone is entitled to know the details of their partner’s sexual or relationship history, so I wouldn’t consider that a secret; and can’t think of any reason why you’d need a “big reveal” about having taken drugs unless you had an addiction and need DP to know never to offer you any because you know you aren’t able to use them recreationally.

wwgg · 11/06/2021 09:18

I think it will depend a lot on the relationship. Myself and DH are not close anymore to be honest. We have business/work/farm ties, kids, hobbies, and we'd both not super happy with things, but I have decided to continue.

There is just so much about he doesn't know or understand, and I can't be bothered to try explain. I love the kids but they are hard work, I have health concerns he doesn't take seriously, I wish I'd stayed in a different career, I fantasize about my older kind BIL that I've always liked, I have some money as a backup in case Smile I could go on and on Grin

joystir59 · 11/06/2021 09:20

Deepening trust in a relationship comes from sharing the difficult, perhaps shameful and perhaps painful stuff that has formed us. From that place of love and trust we grow increased self awareness and understanding. Imo that's why we have intimate relationships.

WoolieLiberal · 11/06/2021 09:22

I love DH to bits and have no relationship issues or concerns, but I do have a savings account that he doesn’t know about, just to ensure that I have some financial independence/escape/emergency money if something catastrophic happened in my life. Everything else is “warts and all” between us.

In a sense, it’s not even secret as I have joked about my “secret escape fund” once or twice but I think he’s always assumed I’m joking and has never questioned me further about it.

Is that unreasonable?

fantasmasgoria1 · 11/06/2021 09:25

He knows most things about me but some of the intricate details abuse the abuse I suffered from my ex I haven't told him especially the sexual abuse. He knows a lot but it can be really upsetting to recall. I will tell him if and when I am ready.

OrangeSharked · 11/06/2021 09:29

I don't think so

There's stuff he doesn't know sure, he doesn't know the names of everyone I've slept with. But I wouldn't call that significant, he knows there have been people.

But significant events I've told him about over the years. Why wouldn't I? Its mostly been for support tbh

JellyTumble · 11/06/2021 09:30

@WoolieLiberal

I love DH to bits and have no relationship issues or concerns, but I do have a savings account that he doesn’t know about, just to ensure that I have some financial independence/escape/emergency money if something catastrophic happened in my life. Everything else is “warts and all” between us.

In a sense, it’s not even secret as I have joked about my “secret escape fund” once or twice but I think he’s always assumed I’m joking and has never questioned me further about it.

Is that unreasonable?

I think so, that wouldn’t work for us. I would be devastated if DH was secretive with his finances and had a Plan B for if we didn’t work out.

In that sense, I don’t think your relationship is very good as you clearly don’t wholly trust him or have confidence in the relationship. You’re not a team.

riotlady · 11/06/2021 09:35

No, I don’t think there’s anything big that my partner doesn’t know about me or vice versa. He’s the person I’m closest to in the whole world and we talk a lot, it would feel weird to hold something back

M4J4 · 11/06/2021 09:36

@WoolieLiberal

I love DH to bits and have no relationship issues or concerns, but I do have a savings account that he doesn’t know about, just to ensure that I have some financial independence/escape/emergency money if something catastrophic happened in my life. Everything else is “warts and all” between us.

In a sense, it’s not even secret as I have joked about my “secret escape fund” once or twice but I think he’s always assumed I’m joking and has never questioned me further about it.

Is that unreasonable?

Not at all, I have the same. DH earns more than me but haemorrhages money whereas I've always been a saver. We have a joint current account but separate savings accounts and just club together to buy big purchases as and when needed.
M4J4 · 11/06/2021 09:38

@JellyTumble

I think so, that wouldn’t work for us. I would be devastated if DH was secretive with his finances and had a Plan B for if we didn’t work out.

In that sense, I don’t think your relationship is very good as you clearly don’t wholly trust him or have confidence in the relationship. You’re not a team.

What judgemental twaddle. People doing things differently to you is not unreasonable. You sound very insecure if this would devastate you.

MrsBongiovi · 11/06/2021 09:39

There’s not anything, certainly not anything major that my partner doesn’t know about me.

We met when we were late teens though so that probably makes a difference. I didn’t have a great childhood and there are still things I’ll say now about things in my childhood and he’ll be like ‘I didn’t know that’ but that’s just because a lot happened, not because I’ve made a conscious decision to not tell him. There’s nothing I wouldn’t tell him, he’s my best friend.

I do have friends who have a very different relationship with their partners. Some of them keep things quite separate and don’t discuss even big things, they lean on friends for that. I wouldn’t like that but it works for them.

JellyTumble · 11/06/2021 09:46

What judgemental twaddle. People doing things differently to you is not unreasonable. You sound very insecure if this would devastate you.

@M4J4 There’s nothing insecure about expecting your partner not to have secretive financials.

An0n0n0n · 11/06/2021 09:48

I think its common.

Theres nothing my husband doesnt know about me that would lead hom to make different decisions about being together but that doesnt mean I've told him everything. I have the roght to choose what to disclose about my life.

Like i wouldnt tell him that i had a sexting thing with someone after we had planned our first date. Which doesnt seem like a big deal as we werent together but they knew eachother and worked together so id prefer not to tell him. He wouldn't care, but id still count it as something he doesnt need to know and would probably wonder why id told him.

JustLikeSugar · 11/06/2021 09:51

I'd think my DH knows most everything about me. After we met we had a really really difficult time and helped each other through a lot (he had a very serious accident with 2 year rehab, I was raped, we had to relocate 3 times for work reasons). As a result I feel we know much more about each other than normal couples.

Part of the reason for the openness is we've both been through therapy (separate sessions, and together) to help us through. As a result we're inclined share a lot more normally intimate private details than most maybe?

Reading all that above, it seems awfully serious!! Having said that, he has no idea I'm changing my car to something really nice next month, that we'll be having painters/decoration all over the place the 1st week in July, and the amazing sex dream I had last weekend ... without DH Blush

DirectionsForUse · 11/06/2021 09:53

Surely if the person who your entire financial situation is tied up with is messing around with secret separate finances that does make you insecure. You're not just feeling insecure, you are actually in a very insecure position.

Different of course if you knowingly have completely separate finances.

lynsey91 · 11/06/2021 09:58

No there is nothing DH doesn't know about me. We are best friends as well as husband and wife and have chatted about anything and everything.

To us it is normal to know everything about each other