... to think there are significant/major things about you that DH/DP does not know

[whenthephonerings]

I'm not looking for any details from posters, it's more of a vote percentages thing.

I've NCed and need to give some high level detail to clarify the post. In the past, for a short period of time, I took Class A drugs and had an inappropriate relationship with a work colleague (both are very much related). It's something I never discussed during the evolution of relationship with DH. It was all the past, until I recently found out that ex-colleague now works in the same (very large) organization as DH. It possible they'll never meet or know each other.

I'm posting this because we have a very close relationship, he knows so much about me, we're on the same page on so much, yet this seems like I'm keeping a secret. I don't plan to mention it.

AIBU ... to think there are significant/major things about you that DH/DP does not know (no details needed, just a vote or general discussion is helpful for me!)

He doesn't know I MN, does that count?

But yes, there are things DH doesn't know about me. Whether I've actively kept them from him or its because they just haven't come up I'm not sure. There are certainly things I'd rather him not know about my past but I'm not sure I'd lie if he asked (I just don't know why he would and I'm happy not to mention them!).

@JellyTumble it’s actually a good idea for women to have an escape fund. There’s no need to make it all about trust issues or other negative associations. It’s just sensible. I agree with pp that you sound insecure. And it’s also quite a different thing altogether if a man hides money from his wife (barring abusive situations where he needs to be able to get away from her). Not comparable at all.

There are undoubtedly things DH doesn't know about me now but only because they've not come up in conversation so I guess they must be things that I dont really deem noteworthy or that bother me about myself.

I think it's different if there's something from your past that niggles away at you that you haven't told your partner about. There was an incident in my past that I'd never told anyone about that I'd sort of buried but it really affected me after I'd had my first baby and I felt I had to tell him, it was always there under the surface and eating at me slightly but there was never a good context in which to bring it up. When I did tell him it felt better and helped me deal with it a bit. As Bob Hoskins used to say- it's good to talk

@JellyTumble

What judgemental twaddle. People doing things differently to you is not unreasonable. You sound very insecure if this would devastate you.

@M4J4 There’s nothing insecure about expecting your partner not to have secretive financials.

Women are often more vulnerable after a break up, having a secret fund is a good idea. Telling women not to have one is bad advice.

I guess it depends on what one considers to be significant. That can vary a lot by person. In my case my first sexual relationship was with with a close girl friend. It lasted all of one week, but we stopped and continued as close friends and never mentioned it again. It was very significant for me in that it was the first and only being with another woman, never wanted to again.

In summary, very significant for me, but I just haven't told him. We both meet my friend once or twice a year when she comes back to our area, and we've remained close.

He knows everything about me since we got together, but I've done things in the past I'm not proud of (during and after an abusive relationship) and although he knows the bare bones I've never given him details.

It's in my past and I don't want him to define me by my past. I know it sounds stupid to say, but I am a completely different person now.

Ninkanink

@JellyTumble it’s actually a good idea for women to have an escape fund. There’s no need to make it all about trust issues or other negative associations. It’s just sensible. I agree with pp that you sound insecure. And it’s also quite a different thing altogether if a man hides money from his wife (barring abusive situations where he needs to be able to get away from her). Not comparable at all.

100% agree.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Probably, I didn’t sit him down at any point and give him a long list of All The Things About Me, so there’s bound to be stuff that hasn’t come up yet and possibly never will.

I don’t believe that anyone is entitled to know the details of their partner’s sexual or relationship history, so I wouldn’t consider that a secret; and can’t think of any reason why you’d need a “big reveal” about having taken drugs unless you had an addiction and need DP to know never to offer you any because you know you aren’t able to use them recreationally.

^ This

Loads of stuff he doesn't know about me! And vice versa I'm sure although he is more of an open book. I don't want to know everything about everything. I quite like that we can still surprise each other after all these years. I want us to be separate people with separate histories and identities. I don't like the 'be a team, two halves of a whole' idea.

That I was sexually assaulted at the age of 7/8 by a GP.

I don’t tell anyone because people are really freaked out by it. And I don’t want to be looked at like damaged goods. I’m not.

The situation around it was that my mother was in the room (not the reason we are NC but one of many many times she failed to protect me from abusive men and actually left me to it but not my siblings)

And after that nothing was done. I know she knew something had happened that wasn’t supposed to. I told her but no police, not intervention and it wasn’t talked about again.

So yeah… I don’t tell partners that because FUCK how do you explain that? That your mother allowed abuse and they’ll be looking at you thinking how much exactly like her you are.

@M4J4

Ninkanink

@JellyTumble it’s actually a good idea for women to have an escape fund. There’s no need to make it all about trust issues or other negative associations. It’s just sensible. I agree with pp that you sound insecure. And it’s also quite a different thing altogether if a man hides money from his wife (barring abusive situations where he needs to be able to get away from her). Not comparable at all.

100% agree.

Ridiculous, why not just have your own savings account with money in it, why does it have to a 'secret' escape fund unless you're in an abusive relationship. I would hate my OH to have a secret escape fund, he has his own savings account and so do I. If I found out he had a secret escape fund I'd be tempted to leave him before he got the chance to use it! I'm not interested in being with someone who couldn't be upfront and honest about any financial concerns if we did split up, who had such little faith in our relationship or who didn't believe I'd behave fairly if we split - he knows I'm a decent person.

My OH knows everything - that was very important to me before we married so that he could decide if he wanted me warts and all. I couldn't be assed with worrying about skeletons in the closet.

@EveningOverRooftops I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you never have to see that grandparent again?

And do you mean that your mum protected your siblings from abuse not you? That's heartbreaking.

Is she still a part of your life?

That’s fine - you’re free, of course, to approach your own relationship any way you like.

Don’t see why that makes you qualified to pronounce on how everyone else should approach theirs...

@Tal45

Ridiculous, why not just have your own savings account with money in it, why does it have to a 'secret' escape fund unless you're in an abusive relationship.

Ridiculous to you maybe, why so judgemental about other women FFS?

@JewelGarden

Loads of stuff he doesn't know about me! And vice versa I'm sure although he is more of an open book. I don't want to know everything about everything. I quite like that we can still surprise each other after all these years. I want us to be separate people with separate histories and identities. I don't like the 'be a team, two halves of a whole' idea.

I'm the opposite I want to know everything and want to be a great team - I'm much more of an open book than him though.

We've never gone into great detail about past partners so there's definitely stuff there he doesn't know about and I think that's fine.

Don't think there's anything else big he's not aware of.

Again...men really don’t need an escape fund, for the most part. It’s a concept that is vastly more relevant to women.

[quote M4J4]@Tal45

Ridiculous, why not just have your own savings account with money in it, why does it have to a 'secret' escape fund unless you're in an abusive relationship.

Ridiculous to you maybe, why so judgemental about other women FFS?[/quote]
Because I don't get it. If you can't tell your husband that you're concerned about the financial impact if at some point in the future you split or he doesn't care about that or you can't have your own savings account then to me that's not a relationship worth being in.

I can't say I find a situation ridiculous but you can swear at me in reply because you don't like what I say?

@Ninkanink

Again...men really don’t need an escape fund, for the most part. It’s a concept that is vastly more relevant to women.

Totally agree and the posters keep saying 'you're not a team' if you have a separate fund. I wonder how much of a team they actually are when it comes to housework and childcare?

I'm laughing at the implication that because we have separate savings that we are less of a team, when it's not the case at all.

My husband knows everything about me. Even the awful crap bits of my childhood and some really stupid decisions I made as a teen and young adult (including being paid for sex).

I wouldn't class taking drugs and messing around with a colleague as a big deal to be honest...

Because I don't get it. If you can't tell your husband that you're concerned about the financial impact if at some point in the future you split or he doesn't care about that or you can't have your own savings account then to me that's not a relationship worth being in.

I've been around long enough to know that people can change. How many women post on MN every day who thought they could rely on their husband totally and then were screwed over? I'm more cautious than you, that's not ridiculous.

I can't say I find a situation ridiculous but you can swear at me in reply because you don't like what I say?

You can say ridiculous and I can say I think you're judgemental to say it.

My husband knows pretty much everything about me as we were close friends before we became a couple. If there is anything he doesn't know it's only because I've forgotten.

There was one occasion where I didn't mention something for a while. His older brother had tried it on with me a few times before we got together. At the time I was seeing someone else and so was his brother. His brother knew my DH liked me though. I didn't mention it at the time as didn't want to cause trouble (I was a lot younger and a bit silly) and as time went on there just never seemed a good time to bring it up.

One day (we were living together and had a child by this point) I'd had a few drinks and I just said "Look, there's something I want to tell you. I never intended to lie to you, there just never seemed to be a good time to bring it up". Luckily he was fine with it. He understood why I didn't say anything and he think BIL is a piece of shit anyway.

[quote stackemhigh]@EveningOverRooftops I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you never have to see that grandparent again?

And do you mean that your mum protected your siblings from abuse not you? That's heartbreaking.

Is she still a part of your life?[/quote]
It was a medical doctor - a GP. No never saw them again. But nothing was reported or dealt with so I know my mothers inactivity allowed him to abuse further children I’m certain of that.

Yes. I have a different father to my siblings so I got it all. I was the black sheep.

NC with mother now. It’s been a long winding progress to come to accept my mother resents my existence because she believes if she didn’t have me she would still be with my step father as he hated that I wasn’t his.

My siblings and mother still perpetuate the same abusive cycles but via different methods to how it was growing up.

I had extracted myself but reconnected and have since extracted myself and DC again

It’s not about one’s partner/husband being kind enough to ‘permit’ you having your own money/savings. It’s much more about levelling the power balance somewhat psychologically, especially for young women, more vulnerable women, or those in newly established relationships. But it really is a good idea to always have a bit of an escape fund, no matter how established the relationship is. For some women that will be completely transparent (and is the ideal, of course), but for others it’s actually quite important that only they know about it, for various reasons.

Anyway. This is a bit of a tangent, and I’m sure OP would appreciate more of an on-topic discussion. To answer the original question, my DH knows all the important/significant things about me, but he doesn’t know absolutely everything.

@EveningOverRooftops

That I was sexually assaulted at the age of 7/8 by a GP.

I don’t tell anyone because people are really freaked out by it. And I don’t want to be looked at like damaged goods. I’m not.

The situation around it was that my mother was in the room (not the reason we are NC but one of many many times she failed to protect me from abusive men and actually left me to it but not my siblings)

And after that nothing was done. I know she knew something had happened that wasn’t supposed to. I told her but no police, not intervention and it wasn’t talked about again.

So yeah… I don’t tell partners that because FUCK how do you explain that? That your mother allowed abuse and they’ll be looking at you thinking how much exactly like her you are.

I am so sorry you went through this.

I can relate to some extent because I had an abusive childhood with a schizophrenic and alcoholic mother and there are some things I just don’t share with anyone because people do react to you differently. Even if they mean it nicely.

I was taken into foster care for about 6 months (for the first time) when I was 4 because my mother tried to kill me by wrapping me in a duvet and throwing me down the stairs. I remember it very clearly. I have never told anyone that.

There’s other aspects of my life that my dh knows about but I don’t go into detail about so perhaps he doesn’t know as much as he could / should. I gave up drinking when I met him 15 years ago because he was and always has been tee total so I just went along with it and haven’t drank since. Until then I would consider myself an alcoholic. I don’t ever talk about the things I did when I drank, too ashamed and embarrassed and I consider myself in a new era of myself now.