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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to think there are significant/major things about you that DH/DP does not know

72 replies

whenthephonerings · 11/06/2021 08:36

I'm not looking for any details from posters, it's more of a vote percentages thing.

I've NCed and need to give some high level detail to clarify the post. In the past, for a short period of time, I took Class A drugs and had an inappropriate relationship with a work colleague (both are very much related). It's something I never discussed during the evolution of relationship with DH. It was all the past, until I recently found out that ex-colleague now works in the same (very large) organization as DH. It possible they'll never meet or know each other.

I'm posting this because we have a very close relationship, he knows so much about me, we're on the same page on so much, yet this seems like I'm keeping a secret. I don't plan to mention it.

AIBU ... to think there are significant/major things about you that DH/DP does not know (no details needed, just a vote or general discussion is helpful for me!)

OP posts:

FizzyPink · 11/06/2021 11:28

Hmmm I don’t think there’s anything major about me that he doesn’t know.

However, he does wonder why I’m so low contact with my dad apart from the fact he’s a bit of an arsehole. The truth is that my dad is extremely racist and DP is mixed race. It would break his heart to know some of the awful things my dad has said to me about our potential future children so I choose to keep that from him.

Whyhello · 11/06/2021 11:33

I haven’t really told him about most of my previous relationships because I don’t think it’s relevant. He doesn’t know about a lot of my past antics in that sense because I don’t think he needs to know and I don’t really care for his romantic past either.

To me, the past is the past and it isn’t always worth raking it up. The future is more important to me.

FlumpetCrumpet · 11/06/2021 11:40

@EveningOverRooftops

That I was sexually assaulted at the age of 7/8 by a GP.

I don’t tell anyone because people are really freaked out by it. And I don’t want to be looked at like damaged goods. I’m not.

The situation around it was that my mother was in the room (not the reason we are NC but one of many many times she failed to protect me from abusive men and actually left me to it but not my siblings)

And after that nothing was done. I know she knew something had happened that wasn’t supposed to. I told her but no police, not intervention and it wasn’t talked about again.

So yeah… I don’t tell partners that because FUCK how do you explain that? That your mother allowed abuse and they’ll be looking at you thinking how much exactly like her you are.

I’m sorry this happened to you

My story is near identical to this, I sort of buried it but when I had DS I couldn’t reconcile how my parents were able to react in the way that they did to what happened to me with how I felt towards my own child. It was so overwhelming that I couldn’t not tell DH in the end as it was really consuming me the first few months of his life when my attention needed to be on other things. It was really good to get it off my chest, DHs only concern was helping my try and make some sense of it all and making sure I was ok. No decent person would ever judge you for something you were the victim of but it’s your story and who you tell or don’t tell is entirely your decision to make.

User52739 · 11/06/2021 12:30

I don’t think there’s really anything about me my husband doesn’t know. However we met very young, and I have lived a very uncontroversial life.

TheFutureIsUncertain · 11/06/2021 12:51

That's a good point about age. If you meet in your teens you'll have grown into a relationship experiencing many of the same things, places, experiences, etc. If you meet in your 40s you have lots of history that so you can't effectively share all the experiences even if you wanted too.

While my DH knows a lot about me, there is a private me too ... I just don't share some of my work (could be very upsetting), what I really think of my SIL, what I've thinking of when I'm having a wank ... there are limits!

lookoutmama · 11/06/2021 13:00

@TheFutureIsUncertain, nice to know you have some secrets. I'm not sure I'd have the conversation with DH

My DH things I'm academically brilliant. I am really well qualified, but I work so so hard. It's not natural, it really is/was hard work for me, far from easy.

MasterBeth · 11/06/2021 13:01

It took me 25 years or so to share with my partner that my parents were/are naturists! It didn’t seem like my secret to share, even though it was a big part of my childhood.

RadioWASP · 11/06/2021 13:52

When you meet someone first that you are interested in, then I'd assume most people show their best aspects to the potential partner. As the relationships evolve you learn more about the other person, but I'd imagine you might hold back some things that could be problematic until you know the person more. That after a time it just might be easier to not bother with some significant things, because they don't matter in the present.

I've shared very intimate private personal things that happened to me with DH (I felt I needed to). But on the other hand there are things not shared, because I don't think they matter to the relationship.

Ragwort · 11/06/2021 14:02

Plenty ... not necessarily 'big secrets' but more because they are just things that aren't relevant anymore (we've been married over 30 years) or just dull and boring, I'm sure he's the same. I think when you first get together it can be so exciting to talk and share things endlessly but it all seems a bit intense and navel grazing to me these days!

EveningOverRooftops · 11/06/2021 14:46

@FlumpetCrumpet

I have wrangled with that since DC was born.

I’ve thrown men out if my house after only a few weeks of dating because something felt off.

Perhaps I’ve missed some good men because of it but no way am I prepared to risk it as it’s the small things that are very telling I find.

The date who pushed a single carton of toddler food aside for me to pay for yet happily said he’d pay for the shopping basket of food for the evening - fwiw, 2 pizzas, soda and some crisps plus a carton of toddler food for dinner that night as we’d been out all day. We’d been dating a few months and that was a bit of a kick. Ditched him he couldn’t spend less than £1 on a child.

EveningOverRooftops · 11/06/2021 14:48

There’s other bigger red flags from other men but those small ones… they stick in harder I’ve found. My reasons why I broke up with someone would look petty and trivial but when you’ve experienced a minor thing like the above turn into full blown exclusion and neglect. Not taking my chances

SquirrelFan · 11/06/2021 14:55

Of course there are.

HeartOfClass · 11/06/2021 15:06

@EveningOverRooftops, that's a very interesting post regarding the toddler food. You are very aware, and totally correct based on your experience. There is a great book called the "Gift of Fear" I read many years ago, and that reminds me of your reaction. Trust your intuition!

TheChosenTwo · 11/06/2021 15:08

There are a couple of things about my past I would never share with dh. I’ve been open enough with him about what I want to share and vice versa.

queenMab99 · 11/06/2021 15:25

I was totally devoted to my first husband, who I met aged 17, and he knew eerything about me. After he left me for someone else, I was devastated. My older sister, who has now been married for over 50 years, told me she had always worried about my relationship with him, as 1) I seemed to be totally consumed by him and 2)He was a dick!
I had a much more equal and happier relationship with my second husband, who did not know everything about me.

Original poster

whenthephonerings · 12/06/2021 10:21

Thanks for the voting, I was genuinely curious. Thanks also for the details for those who did post them, because that really helped with context. There is a close friend and DSis I could speak with, but it's not possible to meet the face-to-face and it would be a strange phone call.

I found the ex-colleague on LinkedIn reviewing CVs, and doing a bit more searching he'll almost certainly be interacting with DH from time to time on cross disciplinary teams. I no longer work there.

From poll 75% of the people are in the "partner does not know significant things about them" .... given that it is so "normal" I still struggling about why I feel so unsettled about this.

Thanks all for the help :)

OP posts:

MyMessageToYou · 12/06/2021 13:24

@whenthephonerings, you seem fairly concerned about this? Is it the relationship aspect that bothers you? Or the drugs aspect?

Are you in contact with the ex-colleague?

If my DH was working closely with someone I'd previously been in a relationship with, I'd certainly feel strange not telling him!

Then again, my DH knows about the few more serious relationships in the past. He's moved to the area I live and grew up in. So it's all very local.

CantEnjoySummer · 12/06/2021 13:29

No. DH and I have nothing we don't know about our pasts.

And I'd be very upset if he'd kept something as big as class A drug use from me. I'd feel like I didn't know him.

But we're all different.

DH and I have been best friends since 18 so that helps a lot as as teens we spoke about our childhoods and then everything else we've done together really.

userchange7643 · 12/06/2021 13:42

Well I obviously can't speak for my DH, but I can't think of anything he doesn't know about me. I've been with him more than half my life so he's been there first hand for most things considering the first half was largely childhood!

EmeraldShamrock · 12/06/2021 13:52

There are things I haven't shared.
Don't worry most adults won't even think of saying anything to your partner.

HelloILoveYou · 12/06/2021 13:56

@CantEnjoySummer @userchange7643 That's really lovely that you met you, and grew and evolved and experienced so much together. That's very special!!

If you meet someone later in life (even a few years) a lot of stuff can have happened in between. Over time I did share that stuff with DH as the relationship evolved. I didn't need to, but I wanted him to know and understand the difficult parts as well as the good to get a good picture (exam stress/repeats, stranger rape, failed business and some debt, etc). When he met me everything was so good, but it was not always the case for me.

Bagamoyo1 · 12/06/2021 14:05

@romdowa

Yes there are things about my past that are no longer relevant and nobody in my life really needs to know about them.

Same here. There are a few things from my past the DP doesn’t know about, but none of them have any relevance on the present or future, and they will never have any impact on him.

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