…to ask when Mother’s / Father’s Day becomes less about your parents and more about you (as parents)?

[TellMeStraightpls]

Just that really. Does it transfer when you become a parent, does it take a bit longer? If you are the older, retired parent, would you expect your children with children to prioritise you over their ‘day’ with their family? Thank you.

@BusyLizzie61 I suppose it's not always that easy for everyone. If you don't live locally then you can't really spend an hour popping to see them.

Who's family do you see for a day out together? Your own mum or your MiL? In my family we still have our own grandparents so there's three generations of mums (my nan and grandma in law, my mum and MIL, me and SIL. As well as aunties on all sides) so a simple day out together can start to exclude people and then it gets more complicated to arrange and nobody is happy.

[quote Warrickdaviesasplates]@BusyLizzie61 I suppose it's not always that easy for everyone. If you don't live locally then you can't really spend an hour popping to see them.

Who's family do you see for a day out together? Your own mum or your MiL? In my family we still have our own grandparents so there's three generations of mums (my nan and grandma in law, my mum and MIL, me and SIL. As well as aunties on all sides) so a simple day out together can start to exclude people and then it gets more complicated to arrange and nobody is happy. [/quote]
Exactly, it can be so difficult.

DH's mum died before we met, so Mother's Day was never really an issue with us seeing Mum, but FIL has only recently died and it's difficult to split yourself in two seeing people who live in opposite directions from your area! My parents have always felt they should take priority.

Interestingly my brothers partner is expecting their first baby early next year and I'm fascinated to see the dynamic between them and my parents. His partner is very close to her parents, but they live a long way a away, and there's absolutely no way my parents will be top dogs in that relationship. I think they'll stand back, which will frustrate me as they've always been very pushy with me (maybe I should take it as a compliment!)

Sadly, looking back, I should have made more of a deal for mothers/fathers day for my wonderful amazing parents. They certainly never expected or wanted anything from me, but I know they would have appreciated it.

Never found it a conflict tbh. Mother's 6is a single day but it's always possible to so something the day before if you want to do things separately.

Mother's Day in my family (both the bit where I'm a mother and the bit where I'm the daughter) and dh's family involves a card, a bunch of flowers (and a phonecall from me/dh to our DMs). Same with Father's Day minus the flowers. Everyone has always been perfectly happy with that and I don't think it's ever occurred to any of us to make a big deal out of it tbh!

@CarrieBlue

My mother doesn’t recognise that I’d like to spend Mother’s Day with my children being the mother. It’s all about her and probably always will be.

Same here.

I'm divorced now but XH always used to play cricket on Sunday...nothing would drag him away so he'd have his fuss on the Saturday and/or a nice cooked breakfast and then we'd head round to see my dad. His parents have never been inclined to celebrate that kind of thing beyond a card and cursory phone call.

My Dad's funeral is next Friday...unfortunately I imagine Father's Day will end up revolving around my mum as well, when tbh I'd quite like to just have some time and space to remember him and grieve on my own terms.

Ha. Mother’s Day here is me taking the DC to see my mum. DH gets most of the day off. My mum would be sad to not be acknowledged on the day.

@TellMeStraightpls

Just that really. Does it transfer when you become a parent, does it take a bit longer? If you are the older, retired parent, would you expect your children with children to prioritise you over their ‘day’ with their family? Thank you.

I wouldn't expect anything, I would hope that when my children have children, they won't exclude me, like I never excluded either of their grandparents, and they will continue the tradition of a three-generational celebration.

It really only seems to be in the UK where extended family is so reviled and seen as a competition for attention. I wonder if its because of smaller families and people are used to being the centre of attention, not having to compete with many other siblings

So sorry @MintyCedric

I think my mum would appreciate that I am a mum, but that won’t mean I can spend the day with my daughter only. She will have to be included. I don’t know how I feel about that.

The next mother’s day will be my first one

My DM is very good in this respect, as soon as I had my own DC she's always insisted that I have a day of being spoilt as she's had 'her turn'.

I still get her a nice gift, pop over to see her etc, but only for a coffee and then go back home to have 'my' Mother's Day. Works for us.

I think if you're actively parenting children - you are the people these days are meant for.

It's nice to acknowledge the older generation, but they shouldn't be the primary focus, imo.

@Umbra

I think if you're actively parenting children - you are the people these days are meant for.

It's nice to acknowledge the older generation, but they shouldn't be the primary focus, imo.

You mean like the grandparents who do all the free child care, fetching and carrying to enable their children to work without prohibitive childcare costs? I'd call that 'actively parenting' - because parenting doesn't stop at 18.

@TwoAndAnOnion , in that instance absolutely should they be made a fuss of. If they aren't that involved, and don't see their children/grandchildren on a regular basis then I don't think it's unreasonable for the "active" parent to be the main focus

We have always been low key for both. DM and late DMIL - cards, maybe some flowers delivered but we don't normally see them (not local). For me, flowers, cup of tea in bed, card, then we carry on with our normal Sunday which is usually sports for both DCs. We never, ever go to a pub or eat out, too busy, too expensive.

It's just a normal Sunday here. DH will send his mum flowers on Mother's Day, his dad a card on Father's Day. DD will do cards for us; bunch of flowers for me, beer for DH. But there's none of this special day nonsense.

God if I needed one day a year as My Day to Feel Special I'd wonder what was going wrong the rest of the year.

In our house it’s really more about giving the dc a chance to show appreciation and make a fuss of their parent. Pre-covid they might have taken me out for lunch and we alternate taking dm/dmil with us.
I send my dm a card, and we meet up for a coffee to celebrate Mother’s Day together the week before or after if she’s not included on the day.
Though behind the scenes my siblings and I would ensure that at least one of us visit.

@BarbarianMum

Never found it a conflict tbh. Mother's 6is a single day but it's always possible to so something the day before if you want to do things separately.

I agree and don't see the issue if one lives in opposite direction. Ideally all together, but if not then use both days of the weekend.

I don't see it as a competition.

it stops being about grandparents when they are dead. until then it's about everyone.
kids make cards for me and for MIL. we spend Mother's day with her - unless she spends it with one of her other sons & fam.
same with DH &PIL

I'm Hungarian. we didn't have Father's day in Hungary and my dad is dead.
Mother's day in Hungary is a different day to UK so my mum calls me to wish Happy M's day (or I call her) and kids shout "I love you" to her.

no biggie

When you loose your parents I think. I'm 52 with an adult daughter and mothers' day is still about my mum imo.

@blahblahblah321
Interestingly my brothers partner is expecting their first baby early next year and I'm fascinated to see the dynamic between them and my parents. His partner is very close to her parents, but they live a long way a away, and there's absolutely no way my parents will be top dogs in that relationship. I think they'll stand back, which will frustrate me as they've always been very pushy with me (maybe I should take it as a compliment!)

That's fairly standard though for mothers and daughters being closer isn't it. I don't see it as strange at all.
However, if sil lives so far from her family, then that would mean travelling to them or them to hers. And of course that assumes she doesn't convince your brother to move closer to her parents.

Our Mother's Day / Fathers days are about us all. We work a day that means every one gets something special. This year won't be the same as my Dad passed away. So Father's Day will be low key, DH and DD will be together and will spend the day with his Dad. Then we will go for a quiet meal as a family in the evening.

Usually on Mother's Day, I get spoilt first thing, then DH takes DD to his mums for a bit and I get some free time. Then we meet my Mum for lunch or dinner. My mum is alone, so I wouldn't not include her on Mother's Day. I might be a mum, but so is she.

My MIL is fairly low fuss about these things.

My mum wants the royal treatment. My first mother's Day, my mum insisted we all went out for a meal as it was her first one as a grandmother for context, DS was only 3 weeks old, he spent the first week in SCBU, I was trying to BF, bleeding, leaking, an emotional mess. All of that disregarded. I spent the morning sobbing because I didn't want to go.

I finally confessed to my dad in tears, and he put his foot down that my next one, I could go as I liked. As it is, DS has autism so wouldn't cope in a restaurant now. My life is stressful so I'd rather something low key, just a chilled day and a takeaway. My mum has settled a bit now.

Father's Day, we might go for a BBQ over my parents garden (DH doesn't mind) but it's entirely up to him.

My parents have had their fair share of the focus on them, it's time to concentrate on us. If my children have their own families, I'll ensure they do what THEY want

@TwoAndAnOnion

You mean like the grandparents who do all the free child care, fetching and carrying to enable their children to work without prohibitive childcare costs? I'd call that 'actively parenting' - because parenting doesn't stop at 18.

This was not my relationship with my parents or inlaws. We were the active parents, grandparents saw them occasionally.

My kids are adults now. If they have children, then they will be the active parents. Regardless of anything I might do for them, they're going to be the ones up at 3 am with a child that's just been sick for the third time, etc. Therefore they would deserve the fuss on Mother's Day and Father's Day, as they're in the thick of it and that recognition is rightfully theirs.

Grandparents need to step back gracefully, imo, not hog the day for as long as they live.