…to ask when Mother’s / Father’s Day becomes less about your parents and more about you (as parents)?

[TellMeStraightpls]

Just that really. Does it transfer when you become a parent, does it take a bit longer? If you are the older, retired parent, would you expect your children with children to prioritise you over their ‘day’ with their family? Thank you.

I am a child with a child and hope my parents appreciate that I need to think about my DH and make his day special and not just my father. I have said it several times. Think it's taking a while to sink in though...

My mother doesn’t recognise that I’d like to spend Mother’s Day with my children being the mother. It’s all about her and probably always will be.

Thank you. It is not just here then!

@CarrieBlue

My mother doesn’t recognise that I’d like to spend Mother’s Day with my children being the mother. It’s all about her and probably always will be.

Same here. My mother criticised my plans to spend Mother’s Day this year with DH and DS when I had “two mothers to consider” - by which she meant herself and MIL. I don’t count as a mother apparently.

I find it perplexing and very sad that our parents can’t see that they had their Mother’s and Father’s Days for many years when their children were younger and now their children (especially in their 30s and 40s) are parents themselves and may wish to spend that one day with their, now, immediate family.

Bearing in mind I’ve only had two mothers days as a mother and both of them have been in lockdown, and now I’m pregnant with DC2 due in December. So you can be damn sure I/we won’t be prioritising her next year either which I’m sure will go down like a lead fucking balloon...

This!

I’m really sorry, I messed up my last post! I was agreeing with @AngeloMysterioso

Most mothers days involve me (a mother) driving around ferrying people/food while my mum gets the royal treatment. I remember one year when I got stuck in a traffic jam, rang ahead to say someone else would need to collect brother who was 5 minute drive from them, the response was "oh for fucks sake just how I wanted to spend my sunday". On reflection I should have just gone home with DC and chilled.

So much about Mother’s Day! I too, try to make everyone else happy and end up exhausted (and still in the wrong!) WRT Father’s Day, do you think it’s the DF /DFILs themselves that may be upset with their relegation or do you think it’s projection from the DM /DMILs?

@PrincessTuna

Most mothers days involve me (a mother) driving around ferrying people/food while my mum gets the royal treatment. I remember one year when I got stuck in a traffic jam, rang ahead to say someone else would need to collect brother who was 5 minute drive from them, the response was "oh for fucks sake just how I wanted to spend my sunday". On reflection I should have just gone home with DC and chilled.

This sounds sooo familiar!

I think it’s tough and I feel the same but then I think when the time comes I cant see my mum on Mother’s Day that will be really shit. My mums quite low key to be fair but it’s the rushing around to both sets of parents that’s a bit stressful.

@PrincessTuna I do hope you don’t pander to any of that nonsense now?

We’ve never made much of a fuss about it. I guess the children are more likely to buy me flowers now they are earning, we never did my husband buying me presents thing.

I’d give my mother a present, but no big fuss either. It never really changed because there wasn’t much to change.

My own DF died 5 years before we became parents so that’s not an issue for us. I think DH would be happy to share Father’s Day with FIL if I didn’t plan something for the 3 of us as a family, but he’s not desperate to spend it with PILs/FIL either.

Thank you for your replies.

I live too far from my mum to see her on mother's day unless I take annual leave. It was more of an issue with my dh tbh because he would always want to have dinner with his mum. I pointed out that whilst I am happy to visit or offer to take her out I want to spend time predominantly with my own children and he does respect that.

Same for Father's day, as I have not spent one with my dad since I got married. I would visit fil (sadly no longer with us) but the day is predominantly about my dh. I think it's nice to visit family if you can but not centre the day around them, at some point they have to realise new parents want to build those special memories with their own children.

I don't have kids but I still very rarely see my parents on the day. I'm sometimes working and as it's a Sunday the buses run far less than they do during the week. I'll usually see them at some point in the week before or after when my work allows.

Mothers Day for us is all the women /Mothers and children together, Grandmas, MIL and all when possible, it involves some flowers, a nice lunch together and maybe a glass of fizz. Although DM was a single Mum with 2 DD for many years so maybe that's why.

Fathers day - we haven't ever made a 'thing' of it either really, card, small gift and maybe dinner for my DD's DD.

Haven’t really managed the shift here. I completely get what you mean. It’s a day when I don’t want to be the one doing emotional labour but I end up doing it. The thing that annoys me is that I have 2 siblings but end up default Mother’s Day organiser because our mum lives nearest to me. The last one pre-lockdown my siblings made plans that couldn’t involve my mum which meant it all fell to me again. Obviously I love my mum but as you’ve said she’s HAD tons of Mother’s Days within our household growing up, including one notable one where pre-mobiles I made a journey from Oxford to London and waited for hours at the agreed meeting place and none of the others turned up because my other siblings were ill and my mum decided for some reason not to make the journey just for me…. I do get her a card and gifts and I’m not saying I don’t want to see her on that day but I would love for that day to be about my small children’s relationship with me.

My parents are in a high control religious group that bans Mothers and Fathers days so I have never done anything with my parents. However my children are 15 and 12 and I have always felt that Mother’s Day revolved around what my MIL wanted. It’s never felt like a special day for me.

If my children have children I am determined to tell them to spend Mother’s and Father’s Days with their own partner and children.

For me well my parents are getting older. We are very close so we do things like a
Meal together all of us.

But I make flowers for my mum, get whisky for my dad from me. Plus moon pig cards from my dd and my step children for all of the parents.

I do bits for my step children to give to their mums is they are with us that weekend to take home . Not their dads as collectively they are all a bit shit.

I'm very lucky because we all run along fine.

We just don't make a huge deal of it tbh. Father's Day we used to go out for a family meal so DH would see his Dad, I'd see mine and our kids would be there. Things are different now as FIL does a few years ago and things are tense with my Dad is we do lunch just me, DH, kids and Mil.

Mother's Day I'll get my card and presents in the morning, I'll walk card and flowers to my Mom on either the Sat or the Sun and MIL will come out for lunch with us (when we next get a mother's Day that isn't in a lockdown).

My MIL and FIL have absolutely zero concept that I may want a Mother’s Day for myself, I think they genuinely forget I’m a mother and it should all revolve around MIL. Actually they believe that everything should revolve around MIL not just Mother’s Day but that’s another story 🙂

I know im in the minority for this bit very lucky.

My SS is my husbands SS. By default he is my SS.

She sends gifts for my DD which she has no obligation to at all which I appreciate.

It's very complicated.
I have a good relationship with her son my SS through marriage. It works out well.

I know I have probably confused everyone.